Unexpected Detours, part 8
Han woke in the morning only to find Leia already gone. He had a vague recollection of her kissing his cheek, but he could have sworn that had been sometime in the middle of the night and that she had just been getting up to use the refresher. She hadn't left him in the middle of the night for ages and he briefly dismissed it as a dream. 'She must've had an early morning meeting.' Stumbling to the 'fresher, he began his morning routine and emerged fully awake after having showered and shaved. It was then that he noticed the time on the chrono: 0620. "She couldn't have had a meeting that early," he mumbled and left the cabin in search of some kaffe.
He strode angrily along a cold, white corridor. His uncertainty of the morning four days earlier had been replaced with resentment that same night as he went to sleep alone. His feelings had escalated from there. He cared deeply about the woman who had managed to inspire such hostility within him, but he refused to play her games any longer. When she had first tried to use his bed as a stopover in her nightly travels, he had humoured her and exercised a little patience. He had honestly believed that once he had shown her that they could spend time together before and after their bed play that she would want to spend that time with him. He hadn't minded asking her then. He refused to do so now.
'But I sure as hells am going to ask her who she thinks she is and why the flenchk she's avoiding me.'
Leia had come to his bed that second night, but had left again in the early morning hours. That morning he woke to bitterness and carried it with him throughout the day. The next night, he had waited for her until finally he had admitted defeat; she hadn't come to him at all. Last night, he hadn't bothered to wait and she hadn't bothered to show. This morning he had woken to anger and it boiled within him. He ignored the comlink at the side of the door before him and banged a fist heavily upon it.
"Han?" Leia's startled expression greeted him as the door slid open. "What are you doing here?" He strode past her and entered the room, leaving her question unanswered. "Come in, I guess."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Han replied mockingly. "Was I supposed to wait for an invitation? I guess I assumed that since you were sleeping on my ship that I was at least welcome in your quarters."
"Han, of course you're welcome. I just…"
"Don't use that condescending, diplomatic tone with me." He pointed an accusing finger at her, lowering it after a look of remorse passed across her features, satisfied that she recognized the truth in his charge.
He turned to take in his surroundings and began a casual stroll along the perimeter of the room. Finally, reaching the edge of her cot, he turned on her again. She had remained rooted at the door and he read the anxiety in her eyes. He knew that she didn't fear him, only the lack of control that she had over this situation. His stance relaxed slightly.
"So this," he waved an arm, indicating the stark, white room. "This is where you'd rather be. You'd rather eat here than with me. You'd rather sleep here than with me!" He punctuated his last statement by kicking the cot vehemently.
Leia jumped as the cot flipped and clattered noisily to the floor. She had been silent since he called her on her patronizing tone, choosing instead to allow him to vent the anger she had sensed within him upon arrival. She hadn't expected him to do anything more than yell and she felt indignation rise within her in response to his actions. She quelled it immediately as she met his eyes and glimpsed the pain in his hazel depths.
"Am I so terrible that this cold room is better?"
His voice cracked with emotion as he asked her the question; a question that she didn't dare answer. She couldn't tell him the feelings that were swirling like a maelstrom inside her. She couldn't tell him how truly cold this room was to her. He was leaving and no matter what she said, this room was where she would have to stay.
"I heard you talking to Chewie the other day." Her voice was soft when she finally spoke, but betrayed none of the emotion within her. "I know you're planning to leave. I guess I'm just preparing for the inevitable."
Han searched her eyes for a hint of emotion, for some indication of how she felt about him leaving. He hadn't fully made the decision to go, but if she was already closing him out of her life, he didn't have any reason to stay.
'Ask me to stay.'
In his mind, he spoke the phrase, but he refused to let his mouth do the same. He continued to search her face as the space between them seemed to grow until the four walls of the room threatened to burst with the effort of containing it. She continued to face him with an unreadable mask.
'If I asked you to stay, would you?'
The question came to her mind, unbidden as she waited for Han to refute her earlier declaration. She waited for him to tell her that she had heard incorrectly, that she had somehow missed some vital component to his conversation and that he wasn't leaving. The silence stretched between them until it seemed to take on a presence of its own.
'I would stay if you asked me to.'
The thought chased behind his first and he knew it to be true. He wanted to stay; he hadn't really thought that he would leave until this moment. But he knew that he only wanted to stay because of her and he refused to stay if she didn't want him.
'Don't go.'
These two words repeated relentlessly in her mind, demanding to be spoken. She fought to keep her feelings from her face, searching his for some indication that he still wanted to be with her. All she found was cold indifference. Cold indifference and something more, but nothing to encourage her to make that leap. Nothing that made her believe that he would stay for her.
'If I tell him about the baby, he'll have no choice but to stay.'
This next thought was unwelcome and she dismissed it immediately, even if it might hold some measure of truth. She didn't want him to go, but she didn't want to make him stay. She wanted him to stay because he wanted to stay. She wanted him to stay because he wanted to stay with her. She didn't want him to stay for the wrong reasons. She would rather let him go.
'You don't have to ask, Leia, but I have to know that you want me to stay. Just show me that you want me here and that's enough for now.'
Han continued to search her eyes for the answer to his thoughts. He couldn't believe that his confrontation had brought them to this point. He had come here thinking that she had grown uncomfortable with some aspect of their relationship only to be faced with the demise of their relationship completely. He hadn't been prepared for this; he didn't want this. He stood frozen, unable to leave, knowing that when he did, he would be unable to return.
"Mistress Leia, Mistress Leia!" C-3PO's urgent calling preceded him as he barged through the small door, shattering the silence between them. Completely oblivious to the tension between the couple, he continued: "You told me to find you the minute General Rieekan was free. He is waiting for you in his office."
"I have to go," Leia stated after a brief hesitation. Her eyes apologized, showing the first hint of emotion he had seen since he had upended her bed.
"Yeah, well. You do what you gotta do. Don't worry about me. I'll see myself out." He brushed her shoulder on the way to the door. "Why not? I had to see myself in," he muttered as he left.
A week passed and Han, still at Echo Base, returned to his repairs after a bland lunch in the cafeteria. A week that would have put many parsecs between him and the rebellion - and its shrewish leader - had he any say in the matter. He didn't; outgoing flights had been strictly prohibited and Han respected the general too much to blatantly disregard his orders. So he stayed and passed the time struggling to repair the numerous injuries that had been sustained by his ship on their last run.
After a few hours and one rather vigorous battle with an external coolant hose, he decided to call an end to the day. Chewie had completed his repairs nearly an hour earlier and, choosing the raucous company of the rogue squadron over the temperamental company of his partner, had left to search out his evening's entertainment. Wiping his hands vainly with a filthy rag, Han already knew that he would be wasting much of his water supply on a hard-earned, freshwater shower. So focused was he on this luxury that he nearly dropped his dirty shirt on the sleeping occupant of his bed. He paused briefly, admiring her beauty in her sleep, before continuing to the refresher and leaving her undisturbed.
He emerged from his shower to find her still sleeping. Opting to allow her to continue her sleep, he headed to the galley to prepare them some dinner. He turned on some music to accompany his preparations and he hummed quietly with the tranquil sounds. Leia's presence on his ship had offered him the excuse he needed to stay. He knew that she was too proud to ask him to stay; they were the same in that regard. But she had been humble enough to take the first step and had come to him. It warmed his heart to think of what it had cost her to make that first move. He knew that after everything they had been through, he couldn't have done the same.
Dinner almost ready and surprised that she hadn't awoken sooner, Han returned to his cabin to wake its sleeping inhabitant. She looked so youthful in her sleep and he was reminded of how young she truly was. It was easy to forget the years that separated them and he berated himself for allowing that transgression to happen so frequently. Seating himself on the edge of the bed, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, waking her gently.
"Hey," he said simply when she stirred. "I wasn't going to wake you, but I thought you might have come here for more than a nap."
She sat up, her face blushing as the realization that she had been found sleeping penetrated her drowsy mind. Taking pity on her newly-awakened state, Han rescued her from having to initiate the conversation that must have brought her to him.
"Come on, I made us some dinner." He held out a hand and she took it gingerly. He squeezed her tiny hand with his reassuringly, helping her out of bed and leading her to the table.
They ate in silence - actually Han ate; Leia seemed to just move the food around on her plate. He began the meal smiling, happy that she had come to him and amused at her mussed state as she sat across from him. His smile faded as the meal progressed, leaving him waiting for her to speak, to eat, to do something other than what she was currently doing. He waited for her to give him some sign that she was happy to be back in his company - to give him some indication that she had missed him during their separation nearly as much as he had missed her. He waited for her to show him some of the regret that he felt over the argument that had threatened to end their relationship. When he finally spoke, his tone held none of the softness of his earlier words.
"You know, if you actually ate something, I might be fooled into thinking that the only reason you're here is because you missed my cooking. But since you're not, I can't say that I have any idea why you're here at all."
She met his gaze for the first time that evening and held it silently, seeming to digest his comment. He waited impatiently for her to speak and thought for a moment that she might not say anything at all as she returned her focus to the plate of food in front of her.
"I know you're going to be upset when I tell you that I wasn't going to tell you."
Han was confused by this statement, but remained silent, allowing her to continue. He hoped that when she did, he would be able to make some sense out of what she was trying to say.
"I wasn't going to tell you, but then I realized that I had to, because I might not ever see you again after you left and that this was my only chance. And I knew that if the situation were reversed - not that it could be - but if it were and I were in your place, I would want to know."
He recognized that she was stalling which was very uncharacteristic of her. She was usually a very direct person. The silence stretched and he watched her continue to play with her food, getting the distinct impression that he wasn't going to be happy with what she had to say next. He took a drink from his water and tried to brace himself for whatever it was that she might have in store for him.
"I'm…" she took a deep breath and he fought the urge to scream at her to get on with it. "You're going to be a father, Han. I'm pregnant."
The gears in his mind clicked slowly as he processed her revelation. She had stolen a quick glance at him after her pronouncement, but her eyes were now refocused on her plate. Had she waited a little longer, she would have seen the slow smile that spread across his features.
"Wow," came his ingenious reply. His mind was racing so fast that it didn't have time to formulate a more articulate answer. He was going to have a baby with Leia. He was going to be a father. The crushing responsibility should have terrified him, but he found he was excited instead. He wanted to jump up and hug her and spin her around in circles until they both grew too dizzy to stand.
His brain managed to catch up to the situation then. He looked at the woman seated across from him; she didn't seem to be experiencing any of the feelings that were flowing through him. Her shoulders were slumped. Her head hung low. She projected an aire of total unhappiness.
'She doesn't want this baby,' he concluded. 'She doesn't want my baby. Who can blame her? Princesses don't have babies with guys like me.'
"Are you planning to…" he couldn't make himself speak the words aloud. "you know?"
She raised her head then, quickly. "I could never do that," she answered vehemently. "I mean, I was raised to believe… why would you think that I would ever do something like that?"
"I don't know," he answered truthfully. "You don't seem very happy."
"Well, I… I'm just getting used to the idea myself. And there's so much to get used to. We are in the middle of a war, you know."
He reached across the table and clasped her hand in his. "I know. But we can't really change that, can we?"
She shook her head in answer. He was surprised that she continued to let him hold her hand and he stroked the back of it with his thumb.
"There are a few details that we need to sort out." She raised an eyebrow in response and he continued: "A good start would be telling me how pregnant you are."
"Ten standard weeks."
"Ten weeks?" 'Ten weeks!' he thought. 'How can she already be ten weeks and I'm just finding out now?' "Exactly how long have you known?" he asked her aloud.
"Not that long really. I didn't realize when I should have. That is, I've been preoccupied lately and it wasn't until the night you came home that I realized that I had missed my cycle. I confirmed it a few days later in the clinic."
"Wait a second." Han released her hand and stood. Pacing, he continued, his volume increasing concurrently with his anger: "You knew when I came home and you're just telling me now."
"I didn't know until that night. I couldn't sleep and while I was laying there, thinking about how much I had missed sleeping next to you, I realized that I had been sleeping next to you every night since the first night and that first night had been nearly three months ago. It just clicked at that moment."
"So you left in the middle of the night instead of telling me. You know, Leia, that's not how a relationship works."
"Oh really and you know this because you're such an expert at relationships." Leia rose, matching him in both posture and tone. "You were going to leave, probably for good and you're telling me that I don't know how to be in a relationship because I need a little time to work things out on my own before I talk to you about them."
"I hadn't fully decided that I was going to leave. I just know that I have to pay Jabba soon or…" he stopped midsentence, his mind catching up to his mouth. "You were going to let me leave and not tell me, weren't you?"
She crossed her arms in answer and the action seemed more defensive than angry.
"I can't believe this! You were going to let me go and you weren't going to tell me about the baby. I've known some cold people, Leia, but this is beyond most of them."
Tears shimmered in her eyes at his anger. "Han."
He continued relentlessly. "I'll admit, I'd have had my hands full with Jabba, but what if I made it away cleanly, only to come back here and find that that rebellion had packed up and moved to another base? What then?"
She didn't answer, tears continued to fall in answer to his onslaught. She hugged her crossed arms to her body more tightly.
"Oh well, I guess I just would've never known that I had a kid. And that would be okay with you. Hells, you probably would've preferred it that way. Probably better for the kid to not have a father than a father like me, right?"
"Han, please…"
He cut off her words, his anger so consuming that he couldn't stop his tirade. "I get the picture now, Leia. I see exactly how I fit in your life. You don't even care enough to give me the common decency of letting me know that I was going to be a father. You were more than happy to send me on my way - none the wiser."
"No. That's not how it would have happened."
"It's not? Well, please enlighten me because I could swear that we had a conversation about me leaving and you didn't say anything about a baby. You did know then, right?"
She nodded her head wordlessly.
"So you knew and you knew that I was leaving and you still didn't tell me. I was standing there waiting for you to tell me that you actually wanted to be with me. Hoping that it wasn't over between us because if it was, there was no reason for me to stay. I can't believe I was so wrong. You wanted me to go."
"That's not true," her voice wavered in her tears. "I wanted you to stay, but I wanted you to stay for me."
Her last statement finally ended his attack. He took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the demons within - it was rare for him to get so upset. Leia stood across from him, her arms hugged around her waist protectively. Tears streamed steadily down her blotchy cheeks and he immediately regretted his harsh words. She had hurt him and now he had hurt her equally in return. And just earlier that night he had been touting his maturity.
Finding some measure of calm, he tried to analyze her actions and her words. In that moment of clarity, her last words repeated in his mind: 'I wanted you to stay, but I wanted you to stay for me.' They were fighting because of the games they were playing and, he acknowledged, she wasn't the only one playing games. He had let her believe that he really was planning to leave and he knew that he had done so because he had wanted her to ask him to stay. And she hadn't asked him because she had wanted him to stay without her asking.
In two quick strides, he closed the space between them.
"I don't want to fight anymore."
He pulled her against him, wrapping her tiny form in his embrace. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and she buried her face in his chest. It was several moments before she finally moved her arms from their defensive position around her middle and returned his embrace. Soft music continued to play from the Falcon's sound system and the keening of a woman's voice seemed to flow around them, soothing them with her misery. They stood holding each other for the remainder of that song and the next song that followed. Finally, he turned her tear-stained face up to his. Their eyes met, speaking the words that they couldn't make their lips speak. He smiled slightly and, turning her so her back faced his chest, he placed his hands gently on her shoulders and led her to his cabin.
A/N: As mentioned before, I still have a few things planned for our favourite pair. It's a holiday weekend for us Canadians, so hopefully I will get some more writing done with the extra time. No promises though. It is playoff season as well:) Go Tigers!
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot… please review. Scarlet.
