A/N: The events at the end of this chapter occur immediately after chapter 32 of Interesting Places, for those of you keeping score. Thank you!
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Guilt gnawed away at Fergus all through lunch. He kept replaying the meeting in his mind, particularly the parts where he had looked at his sister and had seen drunkenness. Now, however, his memory continually pointed out all the signs of his sister's deteriorating health and he berated himself anew each time he remembered a sign that all was not well.
"Talk to me," Aura said after lunch. "Something has you all in knots." Fergus looked at Aura and saw her concern. He wondered if it showed in his face, or if she had noticed that he hadn't eaten his lunch so much as rearranged it several times on his plate. He suspected it was both; Aura was nothing if not observant.
"Walk with me," he said, and Aura fell into step next to him. They walked in the gardens, and Fergus explained everything that had happened to him with his family, the Howes, and Elissa, ending with his behavior at that morning's meeting. He was surprised to find that the more he spoke, the better he felt. He realized only then that he had never fully explained his situation to anyone – he had certainly divulged bits here and there of his woes, but never had he laid the entirety out to one person from start to finish. Aura listened carefully to all that he said and waited until he was finished to speak.
She turned so him and put a hand on his arm. "We should go to Arl Teagan's estate, then, "she said. "You should visit with your sister and see if she is well enough to talk. If you do not at least try to clear the air with her, you will never heal." Fergus wondered why she sounded like she was speaking from experience, but decided not to ask. Instead, he posed a different question.
"Will you be all right to go with me? I understand that all the Ferelden Wardens are staying with Teagan." Fergus worried for his friend; after all, seeing her dead husband's comrades could prove to be quite difficult for her.
She smiled. "I will be fine, Fergus." She turned so that she was walking abreast of him again. "Just let me get my cloak and we will be off."
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"How is she?" Fergus dispensed with manners as he swept into the main hallway of the Redcliffe estate. "Has she regained consciousness yet?"
Teagan put both hands on Fergus' shoulders. "Calm yourself, Fergus. She is in good hands, and your upset will only make things worse." He kept his hands on Fergus' shoulders until Fergus took several deep breaths and forced himself to calm down, then nodded. Teagan stepped back and turned to Aura. Fergus was still watching Teagan's face, or he might have missed his friend's eyes widen slightly as he introduced himself to Aura. Now intrigued, he looked at Aura to see her blush slightly as Teagan, all charm and grace, lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a genteel kiss on its back. That was quick work, even by Teagan's standards. He knew Teagan had a reputation for charming the ladies, but if the man could fluster Aura, he must be good. Fergus didn't think it was possible for Aura to lose her placid demeanor when she was out in public.
Teagan turned back to Fergus as his expression returned to seriousness. "She's very ill, Fergus. It seems she contracted the chicken pox, and she's running an incredible fever. She awoke once for a few minutes, but fell back asleep."
"The chicken pox? Surely you can't be serious!" One look at Teagan's face confirmed that, indeed, Fergus had heard correctly. "Can't her healer – Anders, isn't it? - help?"
Teagan shook his head. "No. He fell ill also, and he said he is not able to deal with illnesses the way he can injuries. This has to run its course. In the meantime, the Wardens are taking care of the two of them."
"I'd like to see her." Teagan nodded, so Fergus started to move forward again. He passed Teagan and made his way to the guest wing of the estate, where he saw Oghren and Zevran standing guard outside one of the doors. "Is she in there?" Fergus asked, indicating the room they were guarding.
"She is, but she can't have visitors." Oghren peered up at Fergus through eyes that were surprisingly clear. Fergus surreptitiously scented the air; he was surprised to note that Oghren's ever-present smell of alcohol was there, but not at all as strong as he remembered from their time together in the army. "The kid's takin' care of her, and he said the fewer people in there, the better."
"I was hoping to speak with her." Fergus frowned. "Has she awakened again yet?"
Oghren started to speak, but Zevran put a hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "She has not, to our knowledge, but perhaps you would learn more about her condition if you spoke to Nathaniel, no?" Zevran looked at Fergus, his eyes calculating, almost wary. Fergus didn't need Zevran's unspoken warning to understand that he was not to upset the seemingly tenuous balance of the situation.
He thought for a moment, then sighed. If this is what needs to happen in order to speak with her, then I will do it. He nodded to Zevran. "Please, may I?" It rankled him to have to ask permission to speak with Howe, but he tried to swallow his pride.
Zevran nodded at him and entered the room. He left the door open, so Fergus could see Zevran lean over and speak quietly to the dark-haired man sitting by the bed. The man turned his head; it was indeed Nathaniel. Nathaniel made eye contact with Fergus and inclined his head briefly, then turned back to Zevran. More quiet conversation passed between the two men, then Nathaniel stood and walked toward the door while Zevran settled in Nathaniel's old seat.
Once in the hall, Nathaniel walked a small distance from the doorway, then turned around. As Fergus walked to him, he couldn't help but notice the tiredness and worry on the other man's face. Nathaniel's mouth was set into a grim line and his tunic looked damp. He was barefoot.
Nathaniel didn't waste any time on pleasantries. "When she arrived back from the palace, her temperature was dangerously high." He kept his voice low and calm, but his brows furrowed as he spoke. "I was able to lower it somewhat by putting her in a cold bath, but it's rising again." His eyes left Fergus' briefly and looked toward the room as the worry lines in his face creased deeply. The expression on his face held when he looked back to Fergus. "She has not had the chicken pox before?"
Fergus shook his head. "No. I got them before she was born, and she was away when Or... when my son contracted them." This is not the time to think about what you have lost, Fergus. It was also surreal to him that he was standing there, conversing civilly with a man he had sworn as his enemy. "Do you know where she and Anders got them from?"
Nathaniel shook his head. "I don't know. Right now, I'm just glad it isn't poison. If it had been …" He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "I can't let you go in there. Her health is delicate at the moment, and I worry that if she does wake and becomes agitated ..." His voice dropped off, and he actually looked apologetic. His hand moved forward slightly, but he let it drop without touching Fergus. "Her fever needs to break before she can see visitors, for her own safety. I can arrange for word to be sent to you when she's well enough – where are you staying?"
"Nathaniel!" Zevran's voice hissed out into the hallway before Fergus could answer. "Her fever is up!"
"Excuse me." Nathaniel did not wait for an answer, and instead strode purposefully into the room. Fergus watched him make his way to Elissa's bedside. He felt Elissa's face with his hand then immediately swept her up into his arms and walked quickly to a tub.
She looks so frail, so helpless. Fergus stared at the sight of his sister, his own flesh and blood, curled almost into a ball and trembling violently. Nathaniel knelt with her still in his arms and removed the blanket that had been wrapped around her, and Fergus was shocked to see the sheer quantity of scars covering Elissa's back, let alone their age and size. He realized, at that moment, that he was as guilty as most of the country of Ferelden. Instead of seeing Elissa, he had come to think of his own sister as an invincible, unstoppable force of nature, as a super-hero who always made the right decisions and was somehow more than human. The sight of her looking fragile and damaged twisted his insides and caused reality to crash into him with the weight of a boulder, rendering him speechless and physically knocking him off-balance. He put a hand against the wall to steady himself as he inched closer to the doorway, his eyes transfixed on the scene before him.
Nathaniel murmured softly to Elissa as he lifted her again to place her in the tub. He supported her head with one arm as she suddenly thrashed about in the water and spoke to her in soft undertones as he smoothed her brow. Fergus couldn't hear the words that were spoken, but he caught the tone of Nathaniel's voice – calm, reassuring, patient – between Elissa's pained gasps and moans. After several minutes of splashing, she started to settle down and her groaning became less pained. Nathaniel kept speaking to her as he reached behind him and produced a small square of cloth, which he wet in the tub and used to clean Elissa's face.
The groans turned to quiet whimpers, and finally to silence, as Nathaniel stroked Elissa's hair and watched her face. Fergus watched Nathaniel's expression smooth as he held her head above water and kept her safe; the look Nathaniel gave her was full of tenderness and concern. Finally, Nathaniel reached into the tub and lifted her out, wrapping her in a fresh blanket and carrying her over to the bed, where he dried her off with a towel before placing her between the sheets and tucking her in.
Once she was settled, Nathaniel collapsed in a chair that sat by the bed. Fergus didn't get the chance to see his face before he leaned forward with his head in his hands and his shoulders slumped. It was at this time that Zevran came through the door, blankets in hand, and shut it quietly.
"Give her a few days to recover," Zevran murmured. "We will bring word to the castle when her situation changes."
Fergus nodded and left the hall silently. He retraced his steps back to the main hall, where Teagan and Aura still stood. Their conversation broke off as Fergus entered and Aura's eyes widened when she looked at his face. She hurried to Fergus' side and linked her arm in his. He could feel her eyes on him but thankfully, she chose not to speak. He nodded to Teagan in thanks and made his way to the carriage, where he collapsed on one seat while Aura took the other. He maintained his silence the entire ride back to the palace as his thoughts swirled frantically in his head. He attempted to find a new balance in his world, the one that had suddenly and drastically shifted.
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Five days, three assassination attempts, an impromptu visit from Teagan and a chewing out from Oghren later, Fergus had finally gotten the chance to meet with his sister and talk.
For someone to say that things had not gone well would be a massive understatement.
After the initial awkward silence, their conversation seemed like it was going well. They started to relax a little bit, and they actually started to talk. Elissa was gracious, and patient, and understanding; she listened to Fergus and explained that she would never be able to have children, no matter what. She showed him the scar where a sword had run through her abdomen and nearly killed her, so that he would have proof of what she said and would find it easier to believe. She even tried to reassure him, tried to make him understand that out of everyone, she would understand if he never was able to remarry and try to have more children.
And then she said one little thing that came out the wrong way, and he just had to jump all over it and make it sound like she was saying he was unimportant, that family was unimportant. He knew when he was attacking what she said that she didn't mean it that way. He knew that. But he still couldn't stop himself – the angry, bitter words just poured out of him and he saw the deep hurt in her eyes, saw her draw back as if he had hit her, and he was actually glad that she shut him up before he said something that he'd regret even more.
And then he showed that he just wasn't letting go of old hurts, old anger, and she showed him that she had become wiser than he, even though he was several years her senior.
"Why him?" Fergus was tired and still too-angry and he just didn't understand. "Why did it have to be the son of the man who destroyed our lives? I don't know if I can ever get past that after learning what happened at the castle." Fergus sighed. "I can not and will not forget that it happened." He sighed again. "How can you see his face and not be reminded of that night every time?"
"It did, for a while." Elissa looked at Fergus, her eyes willing him to understand. "But then I realized that if I let Rendon's actions rule me, when he couldn't do anything to me any more, it was then that he would win. After that, I took the time to get to know Nathaniel better and learned that not only is he a good man, we understand each other." She paused for a moment and he struggled to accept what she said. "I love him, Fergus."
Even with all that, all her acceptance and patience and understanding and wisdom, with the light that shone in her eyes as she declared her feelings for Howe's son, he still had to go and try to force her to choose. He should have known better. He really, really should have, for he knew what the outcome would be. He was correct in this; of course with everything Elissa had been saying and with the ordeal that she had just gone through, during which Nathaniel had reportedly never left her side, she would choose to stay with her lover. After all, Nathaniel apparently had been nothing but supportive and caring, going so far as to personally take care of her when she was dangerously ill, while Fergus insisted on pushing her away.
Why was he punishing himself and his sister? Why would he force her to make a choice she didn't want to make? Was it habit or pride?
Why?
He left her bedside and Teagan's estate before he could do any more damage. He waited a full day to try to figure out what in the Black City his problem was, then came to visit Elissa again so that he could try to make amends. He wanted to stop the hurt and pain and try to begin to rebuild a life where his sister would feel that she wasn't being pushed away.
She was gone.
