Chapter 8:
"Iziz what?"
A/N Okay, so I still don't own SW or any of the other fandoms. I had to include a little tribute to Mass Effect since I have discovered it and it is so awesome! For those of you who don't know the actors who provided the voices of Bastila and Carth also are in ME. Don't own the original lyrics to the songs either. And not responsible if anybody chokes on their own laughter. Hope this provides you with some laughs at least. I do own the character Swagger Vasa, and for those of you who asked, he finally makes an appearance. Thanks for reading. Here's a shout out to my Cuz, who came up with some of the ideas; and this is dedicated to a special fan of SV's—you know who you are!
The fight inside Khoonda went like clockwork--whatever a clock was, Cal thought. Azkul and his minions were defeated and none of the security droids were damaged. Saunter had fought valiantly alongside Cal and his crew. Cal had kept the kid behind him so he could keep him safe. He didn't want a sixteen year old wannabe on his conscience.
Administrator Adare, true to her word, gave him the 4,000 credits. The one sad note was that all the soldiers he had offered to split it with had been killed. But that was war, especially in a game where the cut scenes had them cut down. Cal thought it particularly unfair the soldiers he had healed had been among the dearly departed.
Since he needed the credits, Cal did not opt for goodie-goodie points by turning down Adare's credits and donating them to the cause of rebuilding Khoonda. Rebuild what? Nothing had been damaged during the fight. He said his good-byes to Masters Vrook and Kaarde, gathered his crew and rushed back to the ship.
He called everyone into the main hold to discuss the next destination. "We want to go to Onderon, but we won't be able to because a blockade by a meanie called General Vacuum..."
"Uh, Cal, that's Vaklu," Atton corrected.
"What Atton said." Cal scratched his head as he tried to remember what he'd been saying. Saunter helpfully told him his last words and the synapses in his brain fired. "Oh, yeah! General Vaklu has the Onderonian Navy keeping everyone held up in the space lanes above the planet. So, I say we head directly to Dxun and land at the secret hidden Mandalorian base. I also say we skip the whole tedious getting influence with Mandalore part and take the Ebon Hawk to Onderon." He raised his lightsaber above his head. "How say you?"
"I say, how do we know there's a base if it's secret and hidden?" HM asked.
"It's right here in the Guide." Cal held up the Guide and tapped a page with his forefinger. "See? Secret hidden Mandalorian base."
"Oh, okay."
"So how say you?" Cal put down the Guide and lifted his lightsaber again.
"I say, why not skip Onderon altogether?" Atton asked. "I mean, Cal, all there is to do is that stupid murder case and running back and forth from the cantina about fifty times."
Cal nodded. "I thought about that, but there is one reason to go there."
"What's that?" Atton asked suspiciously. "Is there a droid you want to save?"
"Hey, I like droids, too!" Saunter piped up and he and Cal exchanged a high-five. "You've got a lot of them on board," he added as the main hold started to be over run with droids.
"No, Atton, there is a droid I would have liked to save, but, alas, it's already been destroyed." He hung his head sadly in a moment of mourning. "Anyway, we have to go because we have to choose a side, whether we back Queen Amidala..." He shook his head. "No, that's not right. Queen Latifa... Dairy Queen? No-ooo. Queen of England? Queen of the night? Queen for a day? Queen size mattress?"
Saunter whispered in Cal's ear and he nodded in relief. "Queen Talia! That's it! We have to choose whether we follow Queen Talia or General Vaklu..."
"Why do we have to follow anybody?" Mira asked. "Is this a parade?"
"We have to pick one because it sparks another part of the game where I have to choose who goes into the tomb of Freedon Nodd."
"Nadd," Mira corrected.
"Thanks, babe. Nadd—You ever notice Star Wars has the strangest names? Anyhow." He paused a minute to remember what he'd been talking about. "And then we have to return to Onderon."
"From where?" Saunter asked.
"From wherever we go when we leave Onderon."
"Why do we leave in the first place? If we're there already, why leave so they can call us back?" Saunter scratched his head, clearly puzzled.
Cal shrugged. "Makes the game longer? More playing hours? You got me!"
"Maybe the game needs to reset," Atton suggested.
"And then we go back and find out there's a war going on, and we have to fight whichever side we didn't choose." Cal's eyes were glazing over, a clear sign he was getting confused.
HM interjected in her soft voice, "The more battles, the better I like it. I volunteer for the Nadd mission—to lead it, I mean."
"Seems to me he needs someone who has some skills other than..." Mira grinned snarkily. "But you really don't have any, do you, dollcakes? Maybe a little treat injury, and Cal's already got major Force heal. I, on the other hand, have demolition and..."
"I have wicked skills!" HM shot back and shoved Mira in her busty chest.
"Like what?" Mira challenged.
"I have more computer than both of them put together," Visas told Cal in the voice that sometimes haunted his dreams.
"Take that back!" Mira screeched and pushed HM. Soon the two were on the deck, rolling and pulling each other's hair.
"STOP!" Cal thundered, putting a lot of Force Bondo into the command.
"No, keep going!" Atton urged as he wiped drool from his chin.
"We have enough fighting in this game," Cal pointed out. "We are not going to start fighting amongst ourselves."
"Only the girls," Atton pleaded. "Let the girls fight." He had an idea. "Hey, if there's all this rain and mud on Dxun, maybe we could..."
"Not on your life, fly boy." Mira stepped away from HM and glared at Atton.
"Mud's good for the complexion," he told her. "You'll be even more beautiful if you use the mud."
"We have to follow the rules," Kreia interrupted in her old and senile voice, shaking a claw-like finger at Cal. "If you don't follow the rules, I cannot keep Atton trapped on the ship and keep him unavailable to be in on any of your adventures. You will only be able to take one of us plus Mandalore because he only has a very small shuttle."
"We can leave Mandalore and I'll take two of you." Cal didn't like where this conversation was going.
"Or we'll take the Ebon Hawk and leave Mandalore and his shuttle—and maybe you—on Dxun," Atton said. "What say you all to that?"
"You cannot keep skipping parts of the game," Kreia croaked.
"Who died and made you boss?" Atton growled.
"It's Mandalore's shuttle," she said. "And where his shuttle goes, he goes."
"I'll tell you where his shuttle can go," Atton groused under his breath. "And you can go with it."
"Fool!" she shot at Atton.
"Hag!" he shot back.
"No more shooting!" Cal shouted. "Look, I'll do whatever I can if I think the outcome will work for my crew." Cal ignored her advice like he always did. Influence lost—Kreia. Influence gained—Atton and the rest of the crew.
"All in favor?" Atton called for a vote, but everyone looked puzzled.
"Of leaving Kreia here?" HM asked.
"Who's Kreia?" Mical asked. He was unaware of her since she played hide-and-seek behind his back.
"Of leaving Mandalore here?" Mira asked.
"Of going after the droids?" Saunter asked.
Cal made the final decision. "Of going to Dxun, repairing any droids, and then going to Onderon in the Ebon Hawk."
Everyone backed Cal except Kreia—big surprise there.
"Just remember," Atton pointed out. "There are no droids on Dxun. Mandalorians don't use droids."
"Statement: There are droids on Dxun, pilot meatbag." HK maneuvered through the mass of droids in the hold.
"There are?" Cal's eyes lit up. Atton covered his face with both hands and shook his head with a moan.
"Affirmation: Yes. They are remnants of the Mandalorian war."
"How many?" Saunter asked.
"Calculation: Approximately one dozen."
"A dozen droids that have to be rescued?" Cal and Saunter were nearly jumping up and down with joy. "Is that twelve or thirteen?" When he heard what sounded like a moan from HK, Cal explained, "Well, there's the regular dozen of twelve, and the baker's dozen of thirteen."
"Statement: there are no bakers on Dxun, meatbag."
Atton peeked out between his fingers. "We'll go on one condition."
"What's that?" Cal and Saunter asked in unison.
"Not one of those droids ends up on this ship." The rest of the crew was nodding in agreement. "If we take on any more droids..." Atton shoved one aside so he could see Cal on the other side of the hold. "...we'll have to leave people behind."
All eyes turned to Kreia.
"Let's go!" The crew chorused.
Kreia went to her quarters and sat on the floor.
(Director says; "Cue music for Beatles song When I'm Sixty-Four and put spotlight on the old hag....er...on Kreia.")
When
I get older, losing the Force,
Just a few years from now.
Will
the whole damn crew still be picking on me?
Calling me an ugly old
cow?
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Will they lock the
door?
Will they still need me, will they still feed me,
When
I'm a hundred sixty-four?
Atton flew the Hawk in on the dark side of the moon and landed the ship in the battle circle in the secret hidden Mandalorian base—a space large enough to accommodate her.
Cal found himself plagued by memories of the time he had served under Revan during the Mandie Wars. Dxun was a moon filled with water: fog drifted over the paths; there were rushing waterfalls; and rain. Lots of rain. During the Mandalorian battles here all that water had conspired to conceal mines on the paths; the roar of several waterfalls covered the sound of Mandalorian durasteel boots; and the pelting rain made it impossible to see the wavy outlines their stealth units generated, allowing them to attack the Republic soldiers. The odds had been in the Mandalorians' favor until Revan sent Cal and the other Jedi, and then the death toll had mounted—on both sides.
As they stepped off the loading ramp, Cal looked around the compound. The ship was sitting in front of a hangar in a large grassy area, the waving grass coming almost to his hips. He realized the Mandalorians didn't know anything about lawn mowing. He knew the layout of the secret base from the map on the Guide and he wanted to explore, but that would mean putting stone walls between himself and the ship. The command center where they would find Mandalore was on the other side of all those walls.
Of course they had just landed without permission. In the Mandalorian battle circle. Just outside the secret hidden Mandalorian stronghold. As soon as they walked down the ramp they were surrounded by well armed and p-o'd Mandalorians, each in a different color armor.
"Wow," Cal said under his breath. "Looks like a rainbow threw up all over them." He held up his hand in a gesture of greeting. "Klaatu barada nikto."
The lead Mandalorian shouted "Let's get him!" and six Mandalorians started up the ramp. "For Mandalore!"
"What did I say?" Cal asked in panic.
"Use stasis!" Mira shrieked. "Freeze them!"
Cal hit the Mandies with Force stasis and froze them on the ramp, then turned back to his crew. "What did I say?"
Atton looked up from his battered copy of Universal Guide to Alien Languages and said, "Basically, 'I dare you guys to come up here and kick my butt.'"
"Not exactly the best greeting," HM scowled.
"I thought it meant 'Take me to your leader'." Cal frowned. "At least that's what Gort told me."
"What I can tell you, Cal?" Atton put an arm around Cal's shoulders. "Never, ever trust a droid." He stepped up to the nearest Mandie. "Think you could use Force persuade and get them to flap like chickens and quack like ducks?"
"Atton, why do you hate droids so much?" Mical asked.
"When I was a baby my nanny droid dropped me on my head."
"Figures." Cal looked at the Mandies. "So, do I un-stasis them so they can beat my butt?"
"Duh, no." Mira walked down the ramp past the Mandies. "Let's get on Mandalore's good side before they come out of it, and he'll convince them not to kill you."
"But that means leaving the ship here and going all the way around there." He pointed at the stone walls on the far side of the open space.
"Well, yeah." She put one hand on her hip and looked up at him. "You coming or are you gonna wait for the Mandies to snap out of it?"
Cal charged down the ramp and tore across the open field at warp speed.
The meeting with Mandalore went smooth, although gaining influence after Cal's getting off on the wrong foot, involved a nearly impossible list of quests. Cal solved that dilemma by splitting the crew into teams.
"Mira, go gather all the mines. We can break them down into things we can use. HK, go help Kelborn with the Onderonian military. Bao, you and T3 help Zuka with his broken wires, and anything else that needs to be repaired. Mical and Visas will get the Zak egg..." He shrugged. "I don't know, I guess they want one big omelet. Atton and HM will go find Kumas on top of the Mandalorian cash. Be sure you don't hit that button, and bring some of that cash back—we're getting low on credits. Saunter and I will go repair all the poor droids."
"What about me?" A quavering voice asked and they all turned to find Kreia standing alone.
"Uh..." Cal had forgotten all about her. "Uh... Oh!" An idea came to him. "Go back by the ship. Back to the battle circle. Talk to the sergeant."
"Cal?" Atton was looking at the Guide as Kreia walked away. "Won't the sergeant make her fight?"
"Yeah, but she's a woman and she's old, so they should take it easy on her."
"Gee, I never knew Mandies took it easy on anybody." Atton shoved the Guide into his RPG rucksack. "Good place for her, though. The Old Bat-tle circle."
"Okay, everybody!" Cal said with great enthusiasm. "Meet back here in an hour!"
The teams leaving the secret hidden Mandalorian base quickly realized that Mandalore had neglected to tell them about the cannocks and maalras and bomas--Oh my!
Cal and Saunter battled their way through the jungle to the bunker that held the droids.
"Look up ahead!" Cal pointed up the pathway. "A droid!" They ran to the battered droid standing in the rain. "Oh, he looks so sad!" He and Saunter puttered around the droid, looking for its controls. "It's okay, little fella; we'll have you operational in a minute."
The droid made a strange strangled sound and Cal jumped back. "What did it say?"
Saunter imitated the strange strangled sound.
"Yo!" Mira and HK appeared from the jungle. "What's up?"
"A sick droid," Cal explained. "I thought you were going to collect mines."
"We're on our way, but we saw you."
The droid made the strange strangled sound again and Cal asked HK what it said.
"Immitation: (strange strangled sound)."
"Hmmm, that's what I thought it said."
"Translation: 'oil can'!"
"Oil can what?" Saunter queried.
Mira rolled her eyes. "Oil can thaw it out and make it work." She patted Saunter on the shoulder. "You've been hanging out with Cal too long. Come on, HK; let's get to those mines."
Cal pulled an oil can from his RPG rucksack and sprayed all of the droid's joints. Soon it was skittering up the trail, shooting cannocks. They encountered a second droid and oiled that as well, but the third seemed beyond repair.
"I guess oil can only do so much," Cal said with a shake of his head.
"I have an idea," Saunter exclaimed. "But it will take time. Maybe we should get the other droids first."
They made their way to the bunker and Saunter tried the door.
"What do we do? It's locked."
Cal looked around. "Permacrete!" He ran to the detonator and hit the button.
"Uh oh." Saunter froze at the growls emanating from the rainy forest. "What's that?"
"Beasts." Cal headed to the bunker. "Run!"
They went inside the bunker and found the droids—standing in a field of deadly mines.
Cal frowned. "I shoulda had Mira come with us. We can't disarm them, so we'll have to blow them."
They spent the next ten minutes throwing rocks at the mines to get them to blow up.
"Most of the droids survived," Saunter noted. "And we can activate them."
"Now all we have to do is get through those beasts outside and save our little buddy up the path..."
* * *
"Cal said to meet here in an hour." Mira tapped her foot impatiently. "Where is he?"
"He failed." Mandalore chuckled.
"Yes, well, I have a rather large bone to pick with him," Mical said in a stuffed-shirt tone. "He might have warned us a Zakkeg is a huge creature not a Zak's egg. All I got for all the bruises was an ear which I gave your captain of the guard. Yuck!" Major influence lost with Mical.
(Director: "Cue Miami Sound Machine Conga, and get those droids to line up!")
Cal waved to his team as he came into sight, his clear tenor ringing out over the jungle.
Come
on, shake your booty, droidies, do the conga.
I know you can't
control yourself any longer
Come on, shake your booty, droidies,
do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
You
droids gather 'round.
Let your sensors feel the heat.
Don't you
worry if you can't dance;
Let the music move your feet.
Cal was in the front, with Saunter behind him--he had his hands at Cal's waist and they were being followed by what looked like a battalion of droids. They would take about three steps then kick out the left foot, three steps then the right foot and on and on to the beat. Bringing up the rear was a droid hobbling on crutches.
Atton found something to bang his head against as Cal and his droid army arrived. He had seen that manic look in the Jedi's eyes before and he knew it boded no good.
"We have enough influence with Mandalore," Atton informed Cal, putting aside his bad mood at all the droids. "The Hawk's ready to fly. Mandalore's coming with us. He said it doesn't make sense to take his shuttle too." Atton shooed the droids toward the hangar. "They can stay in there where they'll be safe from the rain."
Cal smiled at Mandalore. The man's voice was deeper, enhanced by the vocoder in the helmet, but Cal knew it was Canderous Ordo. "He reminds me of someone," the Mandalorian said, tapping a gauntleted finger on his helmet. "Too young, though."
The flight to Onderon was very short. Atton put the ship down in the port. Cal told T3 and HK to stay with the ship to watch over all the other droids and then he and his party went down the ramp and were met by the Port Authority officer who told him not to lose the star port visa he gave Cal, even though Cal tried to tell him he already had a Visas.
Atton took it from Cal and tucked it into the pocket of his vest to keep it safe.
Once they were past the guards and stood in the Merchant Quarter, Cal called a meeting. "Okay, splitting up into groups worked on Dxun. We have relays I want to set up. Mira, you and Visas go to the doctor's place and get the quest going for the murder we need to solve. HM, you and Bao stand over near the big pool of icky blood in the Western Hemisphere."
"Uh, that's square, Cal." Atton waited for it and was unfortunately not disappointed.
"Round, square, what's the difference?"
"It's called the Western Square," Atton said with more patience than he thought possible.
"Oh! Thanks, buddy. We'll keep in touch with our comm-links and when one gets the quest he or she will contact the ones at the next destination."
HM and Bao loped off toward the Western Square to take their post. Cal returned to issuing orders to the others. "Kreia, you go stand near Captain Riiken and talk to him to further the quest. Atton, you come with me and Saunter to the cantina. You talk to the pazaak player and find out what he knows and win us some credits and special cards. Mical, you go into the beast rider den in the cantina and talk to Panar when I contact you." He rubbed his hands together. "Okay, everyone has their assignments. This should all go off without a hitch." He realized he had forgotten Mandalore because he had not yet joined up to become part of the crew, so he sealed his words with Force Bondo as he told the Mandalorian to accompany him.
Cal and his chosen three ran into some bounty hunters, but Cal was so strong in the Force, he persuaded all of them he wasn't the Jedi they were looking for and they continued on into the Western Square. Influence lost with Mandalore because you resolved it peacefully, you wimp!
"Mira reporting." Cal raised his comm-link to listen. "We got the Ghent quest going and I just told the hag,um, Kreia to get the quest from Captain Riiken." His comm-link beeped and he told Mira he'd put her on hold as he talked to Kreia. He was jubilant when he talked to Mira again. "This is going so well. Nothing is going wrong."
Saunter's eyes widened and he gulped loudly. "Uh, Cal."
Cal made a not-now gesture. "I love when a plan comes together," he continued.
Saunter cleared his throat and tried to speak, but his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. He tugged on Cal's arm and then Atton's and drummed on Mandalore's armor, until all three turned on him in irritation.
"What?" Cal asked finally.
"Swa---Swa-aaa---Va-aaaa---Swa-aaagger Vasa!"
Cal turned to where a man was framed in the doorway of the cantina. Everybody, but Mandalore reacted by taking several steps back.
Swagger Vasa—it had been ten years, but it had to be him. He was six feet, one inch tall and was wearing black pants and an open black flak vest, leaving lots of bare, tanned skin. He had leather bands on upper arms that were an incredible mix of bulging muscles and lean sinews. A double blaster rig rode low on his lean hips. The open vest revealed the hard ridges of the man's stomach and the flat planes of his chest. Straps crossed his back, holding a double scabbard containing vibroblades.
Cal swallowed as he met Vasa's eyes. They were dark and fathomless. They made Cal feel like he stood at the leading edge of a dark storm front. The air around the man seemed to tremble with turbulence. Cal could almost feel a shift in the air pressure as he stared at Vasa.
His face was lean and hard like the rest of him, all thrusting cheekbones and a chin that was softened by a cleft, covered in what must've been several days' growth of whiskers. His brows were drawn fiercely together as the silence stretched between them, and his look was both contemptuous and speculative. He ran his hands over the dark stubble on his head—hands that were encased in black, fingerless leather gloves.
"Shucks, I need gloves like that," Saunter said from his hiding place behind Mandalore.
"You haven't changed much," Swagger said in a deceptively soft voice. "Captain Jaq's still with you I see."
"Atton Rand, but, uh, you can call me Captain Jaq." He added the last when Swagger gave him a look that dared him to correct him again.
"The deal is." Swagger pulled out a death stick and lit it. "There's a huge reward on your head, Cal and I aim to collect."
"O—over my dead body." Saunter came out from cover and took a stance in front of Cal.
"That can easily be arranged, kid." Swagger took a deep drag and tossed the death stick to the ground. His hands slid down his sides to the blasters and unsnapped the holding straps. "Never interfere with me when I'm collecting a bounty. That's rule #1."
"Last time I paid you more than my bounty and you let me go." Cal hoped the bounty hunter remembered.
Swagger arched a brow. "If you can pay me that much, sure. I haven't made it official yet since you just walked into my space."
"Wouldn't you prefer Face Book or Twitter?"
Swagger scowled and his fingers tightened into half fists.
Atton moved so that he was shoulder to shoulder with Saunter. "He's not making a joke at your expense." Atton circled his ear with a finger. "His brain is addled."
"Not my problem." Swagger looked even meaner a moment and then he sighed. "Actually, we might be able to make a deal. I need a fracking star port visa to get out of this star-forsaken place. You get one for me, Cal, and I'll rethink my decision." He folded his arms over his chest. "That's the best I can do for ya."
"We'll see what we can do," Atton promised quickly.
Swagger smirked as he studied Saunter who had worn his Wannabe shirt again since all the others were in the laundry. "At least you're honest about it, kid." He swaggered away and Saunter moaned.
"What?"
"I wish I could master his walk."
Cal was so rattled by the encounter with the infamous bounty hunter/assassin that he had forgotten where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.
"Where are we, Atton?"
"Iziz."
"Youze is what?" Cal could not think straight. All he was seeing were those cold, deadly eyes.
"Iziz." Atton pointed down. "Here."
"Youze is here, but where are we?"
"I---ziz."
"Okay," Cal said in frustration. "But where am I?"
"Iziz."
"I don't care what youze is; where am I?"
"I can tell you where you should be," Atton said under his breath. "If you'd get rid of all that rap crap, maybe you'd understand." He had a second thought. "Or maybe not."
"I can't get rid of the rap," Cal explained. "And it's not crap, by the way. When I leveled up, this is what I got."
"Did you even try to exchange it?"
"Well, no..."
"So give it a shot."
"Who am I shooting?"
Atton smacked the top of his head. "Try to exchange the Force rap for something else."
Cal looked around and was really surprised when he saw an elevator that had not been there before with a glowing green light that he accessed, causing the door to open. He and the others stepped inside and the door closed and the elevator moved slowly. Cal found himself humming to some music and found out it was coming from the elevator. There was such a thing as elevator music!
"I don't remember there being an elevator on Onderon in the Guide," he told Saunter since he did not want to upset Atton.
Finally the elevator door opened and they were faced with three people all dressed in snappy, form-fitting black uniforms. The leader was a woman and Cal found himself making heavy eye rap which made the handsome dark-haired male with her scowl at the Jedi, but, my Force! Her face looked so real.
"How do you do that?" he asked after he introduced himself and his cohorts and she told him her name was Commander Shepard. "You have different expressions on your faces and different movements instead of what we do which is limited movement and we look the same all the time." Cal could tell she thought he might be mentally unbalanced by yet another expression on her lovely, realistic looking face. "And your eyes! You have points of light in your eyes and they react to your environment. And..."
"This is our floor," she said in a voice that reminded him of someone, but she had no Talravin accent. For a moment he thought of his long lost love Bastila Shan.
The man called Kaidan Alenko stood aside so the beautiful commander could precede him out of the elevator. Ashley, another woman who was drop-dead gorgeous if he considered what features he got from K2, followed. The door was about to shut when Cal leaped out of the elevator. Saunter and Mandalore stepped out, but Atton remained inside the elevator and would not budge.
"I know what this is," the pilot declared. "You've found another glitch. We're in another game, one far beyond ours with mind-blowing RPG, and I am not going to get involved."
"They might need our help. I sense trouble." Cal pointed to an orange arrow suspended in mid-air that flashed Chora's Den when Shepard and her party passed it. "That's what Jedi do. We help people."
"I know I'm going to regret this," Atton muttered, pulling his blasters. "I have a bad feeling about this, Cal."
Quick! Everybody! Save your game!
Cal heard shooting and he rushed to the front entrance of Chora's Den. The door opened and he stopped as he saw several red triangles. "What are those things?"
Shepard and her people were pinned down by several bad guys. They had to be bad guys or they wouldn't be shooting at such a nubile beauty he reasoned. He drew his lightsaber and it would not light up.
Atton groaned as his blaster failed to fire. "I was afraid of this. Our weapons don't work in this Traverse."
Saunter sneaked up behind Kaidan who almost shot his head off and politely asked if he could borrow one of his weapons so he could help out. Kaidan nodded and handed the kid what he called a shotgun. "Aim at the red targets, kid," he said in a voice that reminded Cal very much of Carth Onasi.
Ashley and Shepard gave Mandalore and Atton one of their weapons and soon they had the red triangles targeted and taken down. Cal stood, reaching out with the Force. "All dead, and I see your enemies disappear like in K2."
"Thanks for your help." Shepard kept her demeanor completely professional.
"I guess we better be going. Do you know where we go to exchange something?"
Shepard consulted her map. "You're in the Wards. Find the markets. Thanks, again."
Cal sighed. Her voice reminded him so much of Bastila even though she sounded so sharp and to the point all the time.
It took them awhile, but they managed to find the markets and Cal went up to a window that had a sign that said Exchange, but you have to go to your own level up screen, moron, in your game not Mass Effect!
Cal clicked on the level up icon. "I'd like to make an exchange."
The clerk looked at him as if he had two heads. "Sorry, no exchanges." He looked past Cal to the next person in line. "Next!"
"Wait a minute." Cal refused to relinquish his place in line. "I just want to exchange the Force rap."
The clerk heaved a weary sigh. "Do you have your level up receipt?"
"Huh?" Cal asked, puzzled.
"Your level up receipt. Do you have it?"
"I didn't get one."
"Nonsense," the clerk said tersely. "Everybody gets a level up receipt."
Cal looked to the side. "Atton, do you have any level up receipts?"
"I don't do the leveling up, remember? Chuck does it-the guy playing the game, remember?"
Cal turned back to the clerk. "We didn't get receipts."
"Everybody gets a receipt, and you have to keep it for thirty days. After that there are absolutely no exchanges."
"Thirty days?" Cal asked in astonishment. "Why would I keep a receipt for thirty days? If I did that, I'd have more receipts in my RPG rucksack than gloves and gauntlets."
"Sorry, can't exchange those either. Once you wear them they're not exchangeable, even with a receipt."
"I don't wear them." Cal frowned. "They don't match my outfit, and they never work. Besides, you can't see them when I put them on anyway."
"No exchanges." The clerk called to the person behind Cal, "Next!"
"I'm not done yet." Cal put a hand out to keep the person from stepping forward. "I want to exchange my Force rap."
"He won't leave till you do something," Atton advised.
The exasperated clerk heaved another sigh. "I'll see what I can do." He tapped some information into his terminal and waited for a response. "Okay, I see here that someone on the other side of the galaxy wants to exchange Force karaoke for Force rap."
"Oh joy!" Cal clapped his hands. "Rapture!"
"What a happy random happenstance," Atton muttered. "Now we'll have words floating in front of us with a bouncing ball showing us what word to sing next."
"I'll take it!" Cal decided. He took the receipt and Atton took it from him and tucked it into his RPG rucksack. When the game unpaused they found themselves back on Iziz. Cal had to review what he was supposed to be doing. He was dressed back in his Jedi robes—the rapper clothes were gone. He pulled his hood up to hide his face. No telling how many other bounty hunters wanted to turn him in for the bounty.
They continued the plan: solving the murder, getting Dr. Ghent out of jail, furthering the plot along. Cal led them into a small secluded room that had once belonged to the beast riders until they had their butts kicked. It had been turned into a karaoke bar with a stage and mike.
There was a large kidney-shaped instrument of shining black with what looked like lots of white teeth, some with cavities appearing black standing on tall spindly legs. A thin man with short dark hair and dark eyes and pale skin sat on a bench, his fingers racing over the teeth.
"Hello, folks, welcome to the cantina's first karaoke sing-off. My name is Piano Reeves and I will play the accompaniment for the singers."
One of the deposed beast riders got on stage, sang about five notes and there was the sound of a blaster bolt. He dropped to the floor. Swagger Vasa grabbed the man by the ankles and hauled him off the stage.
"That's one," he said, smirking. "It was a mercy killing." When nobody in the shocked room laughed, he scowled. "He has a bounty on his head, you idiots." He muttered under his breath as he took his seat. "Like I'd waste my time and ammo shooting a damn karaoke singer."
"And our last contestant will now take the stage. You know him! You love him! Swagger Vasa!"
There was thunderous applause as Swagger took the stage with his guitar. A spotlight centered on him as he played the opening chords.
(Director cues the music to The Steve Miller Band's Fly Like an Eagle)
I wanna fly in the Seeker
Off this *($&%& place.
I wanna fly in the Seeker.
Get the *($& outta my face!
For a moment nobody made a sound. They were all frozen from all the obscenities spewing from Vasa—half in Mandalorian, half Echani—choice curses, and then they erupted into applause, calling for an encore.
Swagger smirked and played and sang softly.
(Director cues music for Eric Clapton's I Shot the Sheriff.)
I shot the ($*&%& sheriff,
But I didn't shoot the *$^&% deputy.
* * *
Cal had been in the audience and came out of the cantina with his hands over his ears and a shocked look on his face.
"What's wrong?" Atton asked. He had been playing pazaak until poor Nikko called him the "pazaak shark" and had run out of credits. He had then called the others to come and meet them outside the cantina since all the side quests had been done—well, except for one, he amended.
How Cal could even think about giving the open star port visa to the woman with her kids when he had promised it to Swagger was staggering.
"Who knew Swagger Vasa had a karaoke fettish."
"Did he sing?"
Cal trembled. "Oh, yeah.
"Good voice?"
"Oh, yeah." Cal nodded vehemently.
"So what's wrong..."
"He kept changing the words."
"To what?"
"*$&%^&%^."
"What?" Atton was shocked.
"And )$(%&."
"Doesn't he know this is rated T for Teen?"
"I don't think he cares," Cal explained. "That's why I have to say $*%^%. If they heard what I heard, their ears would fall off."
"Cal, we have to give him the open star port visa." Atton urged.
"But that poor lady and her kids will be stranded when all the fighting starts." Cal took on a pleading expression. "Besides, we're waiting for Ghent to contact Master Kavar and then we get one from the leader of the beast riders, uh, what's her name, Su-Su-Sullio?"
"No, she was the captain who was killed. I believe the one you're thinking of is Bakkel."
"Bagel?"
Atton spelled the name for Cal. "So, we give this one to Swagger. Cal, you don't mess with Swagger Vasa, dammit!" Atton turned to confirm with Saunter. "Right, kid?" He frowned and looked around. "Kid?"
Saunter was not in the group. Cal was very concerned and told everyone to spread out and look for him. He and Atton rushed back toward the cantina.
Meanwhile, about thirty minutes earlier, Saunter had spotted his evil twin Skippy and someone who could double for Cal, so he had put on a stealth belt and followed them. Skippy and the Bad Cal parted company, but his brother continued and waited at the side entrance to the cantina. Skippy was up to no good. Had he found out the real Swagger Vasa was here? Was he actually going to try to kill the legend himself? Was he going to try his hand at karaoke?
Stay tuned and find out next chapter.
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