Ianto Wakes - Chapter 8

by Gracefultree

A/N: Last chapter of Ianto's journal. Next two will be his reactions. Enjoy!

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Every day it gets harder and harder to hide from him, especially now that we're sleeping together again.

I can't keep lying to him. I can't keep hurting him, even though he doesn't know I'm doing it yet.

I just can't take the heartache anymore.

Lisa wouldn't want me to be like this. She wouldn't want me to have done this. I promised her I'd do everything I could, and I can't keep that promise. I'm sorry, Lisa, but it's too hard. He doesn't deserve this pain I'm inflicting, and neither do I. You'd understand, wouldn't you, sweetheart? You wouldn't want me to be the monster I've become, would you?

I'm going to tell him. I'm going to come clean.

I told Jack I had some errands to run for work this morning. I went to the stationers and bought this book, and I'll post it to myself at my London flat before I go back to him, just in case. I don't know what will happen this afternoon, but if all that happens is Retcon, and he doesn't kill me, at least I'll have a written memory of him, even if I never see him again. (Or remember him.) I know better than to put in real details, like his full name or what he looks like, what his coat is like, or the intoxicating scent that drew me to him that first night in the park, so I won't. If he Retcons me, I can't risk the memories re-surfacing, because then I'd be a threat, and he wouldn't have a choice except to kill me. I can't make him kill me. That would hurt him even more than my betrayal will.

Last night he said he's falling in love with me, right before we made love. And that's what it was - making love. It wasn't just sex, that's for sure, whatever I might say later. It was so much more. And it broke my heart that he would give so much of himself to me when I was lying to him, when I was betraying him, when I was touching him just as gently as he was touching me. I had no idea it could be like that between two men. It gave me a taste of what we could be all the time... and knowing that, knowing what I was giving up... what I was getting when I didn't deserve it... I think that's what finally decided me. That's what convinced me to tell him what I've done, for if he can touch me like that now, imagine what it could be like if I was being true to him...

So, here I am, sitting in a coffee shop, writing. I'm writing just enough to know that I met Jack, that I fell in love with him as I was betraying him, that for a few brief weeks, I knew what life could have been like if I trusted him, if I didn't follow the path I felt compelled to choose. I knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally in a way Lisa never loved me.

If you find this, Jack – I didn't have to force you to hire me. I could have left well enough alone and mourned her and stayed with you, found a regular job, accepted that flat you offered. We could have been happy, I think. But I screwed everything up, and here we are, both miserable.

If I had the opportunity, I would make different choices. I would go to you first, talk to you, try to convince you to help me and Lisa, and if you wouldn't, or couldn't, I'd take whatever punishment you offered. I would do all this before we slept together, so the emotional waters between us weren't so muddy, so if we ended up in bed, it would be real, it would be without deception and betrayal and lies. Because I know what you're like when you're in love, Jack, and I wish we could have had that for real. It would have been bloody brilliant.

I hated what I did, Jack. You have to know that. But I felt like I had no choice, and you've seen desperate people act out of character before, haven't you? You've seen traumatized people, people in shock from the disaster that life can be, working for Torchwood. Only now am I waking up from my own shock. That's why I'm going to tell you what I did as soon as I post this diary and get back to you. Because I wouldn't have done it if I was thinking rationally, if I was still myself. We might never have met, but that would be better than what I did, right? Even though meeting you has been a rare shining moment in my overly dark life, even though meeting you had the potential to change my life for the better if I'd only trusted you sooner, if I'd only let her go.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for betraying you. I hope that means something. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that I'm falling in love with you, too.

I am, though.

I'm falling in love with you, Jack.

I'm sorry.