A/N Thank you guys for all the love and for your understanding! It really pushed me to continue (this was one of the chapters I lost so sad) so here's an update for Valentine's Day. Enjoy!
CHAPTER 8
By the time Santana gets home, it's just after sundown. She had sat in her car after the argument with Brittany and just stared out the window for what felt like hours. She couldn't remember a time she felt this horrible. She kept replaying the way Brittany looked at her when she said goodbye; as if it was truly their last one.
She can't decide if that feeling in the pit of her stomach was guilt or regret, but as she continued to playback Brittany's words over and over in her mind she decides it's both. She just feels so terrible for how things went down and now, she has no idea how to fix things.
If she even can.
There's also that little part of her that begs to know what Brittany wanted to say, but she doubts she'll ever find out now.
When she gets inside, her body feels so sluggish. Everything hurts for some reason and Maribel notices immediately as Santana slumps onto the couch in the living room. Maribel eyes her curiously from the other end and puts down the book she had been reading.
"Rough day on the field?" Maribel asks.
"Something like that." Santana mutters and pulls the throw blanket that rests over the back of the couch to cover her legs.
Maribel gives her a concerned look as Santana swipes at her phone.
"The girls on the squad behaving?" Maribel tries again but Santana just shrugs.
"Besides the reason why I don't want kids aka Alex being her usual self, everyone was fine." Santana answers and she doesn't even have to look up from her phone to know Maribel's trying to figure her out, she can just feel it.
"This isn't about Brittany, is it?" Maribel asks and Santana kind of hates how intuitive her mother can be. She had learned early on that nothing gets past her.
"No, it's not about Brittany." Santana lies, "It was just a bad day. I'll be okay."
Maribel pats Santana's feet over the blanket comfortingly, "Well you can talk to me, mija. Whatever's the matter, I'm here."
Santana peeks up at Maribel and gives her a small smile, "Thanks, mami."
Maribel just hums her response as she gets up and heads to the kitchen, "I made rice and beans, Abuela's recipe. I'll make you a plate, rice and beans can cure everything."
Santana nods although her mother's already out of the room. She's been so caught up in thinking about Brittany and how the day panned out that she hadn't realized her stomach was rumbling. She's thankful for the plate Maribel offers and they spend the rest of the night watching whatever reality show is playing on TV.
It's almost enough to distract her from her thoughts, but she's grateful for the peace, even if it's only for a moment.
\\
The next day Santana awakes, she spends the morning contemplating returning to New York. She told Brittany she was considering it, but in reality what was she going to go back to? She didn't have a job or an apartment to return to and not much money saved up since she pretty much drained her account by moving back to Lima. Truth is, she was stuck here and the only way out was to continue coaching the Cheerios.
She knew she had to make nice with Brittany, or at least keep things civil because they're basically coworkers and they needed to be united when coaching the Cheerios. They couldn't stress working together and being a team to the squad if they weren't setting the example. Still, it was a hard pill to swallow for Santana because it meant she needed to apologize.
Unless Brittany didn't want anything to do with her and honestly, Santana wouldn't blame her if that was the case. She never really took Brittany's feelings into consideration when it came to what happened to them and their relationship. Not that she didn't care about her feelings but because she really didn't know. Santana figured that she was fine because she had Sam and she never really said otherwise. Then again, Brittany's always been really good at covering up her feelings.
If Santana was bad, Brittany was worse.
People knew when Santana was upset; hallways would part and everyone would keep their distance. But Brittany? She only let you in on how she was feeling when she wanted to and that wasn't very often. Brittany could be very straightforward and blunt when it came to how she felt, but she also kept a lot inside.
Regardless, they needed to reconcile for the sake of the squad.
\\
Santana arrives to WMHS earlier than usual and isn't surprised when she finds that Quinn and Brittany's cars aren't in the parking lot. She decides to take a walk with nowhere in particular in mind, she just needs the extra time to clear her head. She had been too nervous to message Brittany beforehand because what she needed to say couldn't be done over a text. However, she had no idea what to say. How could she apologize for the past five years? What could she possibly say that would make everything okay again? She was at a loss.
She finds herself inside the school; classes haven't quite ended yet so the halls are still eerily quiet. She's still getting used to the fact that she doesn't have to abide by the teacher's rules and she can wonder the halls without fear of getting a detention. In fact, she's the one giving the detentions out. Not that she has yet, but she's pretty sure she as the power to now considering she's sort of a teacher.
She's just past the science hall when she spots her head Cheerio, Maddy, exit a classroom just ahead of her holding a bathroom pass that Santana can't believe is still a thing. She thinks about saying hi but she doesn't want to be on Mr. Schue's level of being friendly with students, so instead she just keeps quiet and continues walking. Suddenly another familiar Cheerio exits a classroom on the opposite side of the hallway; it's her arch nemesis: Alex. She thinks about calling her out for ditching class but something intriguing happens: Alex catches up to Maddy, their fingers tangling, and then they disappear behind a door.
Santana walks a little faster because she doesn't remember there being a bathroom there and by the looks of it, she doubts the school has had any remodels since she was going. If her memory is correct, the door should actually lead to-
Santana stops at the door she remembers all too well and smirks as she reads the plaque with dusty gold letters: Janitor's Closet.
"Horny kids." Santana chastises, though she can't fight the smirk creeping up. She remembers how she and Brittany were back in the day; it was like they couldn't keep their hands off each other and the janitor's closet was one of the few places they could escape to.
She's so surprised by the pairing but at the same time she wonders how she could've missed it. Now when she looks back on the short time she's spent around the squad so far, she should've noticed how Maddy is the only one to keep Alex in check and their dynamic is way too familiar.
She decides it's kind of creepy waiting outside the door while the girls do who knows what, so she continues on walking. She checks her phone for the time and sees classes should be letting out soon and she shouldn't be in the hall when it does unless she wants to get trampled.
She doesn't head to the choir room on purpose, but that's where she finds herself a little while later. She flicks the light switch and the room illuminates and a sudden familiarity washes over her. She drags the tips of her fingers along the dusty piano as her eyes dance around; who knew a room could hold so many memories. She thinks of all the lessons she learned, the songs she sung, and the dances she danced. Her eyes fall on the back row of chairs and her minds drifts further; the number of smiles she counted.
She takes a seat in the front row and sighs. Sue may have honed her work ethic and drive but in this room she learned how to dream.
It's also the place where she broke the heart of the only person she's ever loved.
"Oh my," A voice shakes Santana from her thoughts and she looks up to see walking in, sweater vest and all, "Santana Lopez! What an honor to have you back in my choir room."
Santana finds herself smiling as she stands and gives her old teacher a hug, "Hey . Sorry for crashing."
"No, don't be! I'm just here to grab these," Will says as he walks over to pick up a stack of sheet music on the shelf, "I must've missed you at Sue's funeral but I've heard you, Quinn, and Brittany have started coaching the Cheerios. That's great! It'll be nice having the three of you around, I was lucky with Brittany's occasional visit."
That intrigues Santana and she tilts her head in question.
Will notices and elaborates, "Brittany used to sit in on rehearsals during her breaks at MIT, help out around here sometimes. "
"Brittany went to MIT?" Santana asks, stunned, and that causes Will to look at her curiously.
"Yeah? Didn't she tell you?" He questions and Santana has to remind herself that no one really knows that she and Brittany haven't been speaking.
So she nods, "Yeah, she did, it's been such a long time. We've got a lot to catch up on. It's good working with Quinn and Brittany again though."
Will laughs as he puts the stack of papers in his bag, "You guys will do an amazing job."
"Thanks, ." Santana says, "Do you need the room? I can leave."
"No, you're fine." Will answers, "We don't have practice today so the room is all yours if you'd like. Do you still sing?"
Santana nods and says a little sheepishly, "I was a singing waitress at this diner back in New York. Turns out all those showtunes you taught us about come in handy."
Will chuckles, "Well, they are classics. I'm glad you still sing though, you have an amazing voice. It's good you still use it."
Santana briefly thinks about how she used her voice yesterday with Brittany and she can't fight a frown as she remembers she'll have to face her soon.
Will eyes Santana wearily, "Is everything okay?"
Santana's throat tightens because the answer is far from yes, but she just paints on a smile and nods, "Yeah, just preparing myself for Cheerio practice. I don't know how you do it. These kids are savages."
Will bursts out laughing again as he slips his sunglasses on, "They're not so bad. I've got to run, but come by more often! Maybe you guys can sit in for a Glee rehearsal or something?"
Santana smiles, "That sounds cool, ."
Will just gives a thumbs up before walking out of the room.
Santana goes back to staring at the rows of chairs set up behind her and thinks. She thinks about all the things she's missed out on in Brittany's life, all her big accomplishments she wasn't there for and anything in between. It's one thing to go through a break up, but Brittany wasn't just Santana's girlfriend. She was also her best friend. She knew everything about Brittany and Brittany knew everything about her, but now they're strangers and that thought alone is more heartbreaking than any break up.
Those thoughts stir something deep inside of Santana. It's an oddly familiar feeling, but one that she hasn't felt in ages. She remembers the feeling she got from performing, the adrenaline rush, it was the same feeling she got from singing showtunes at the Spotlight diner or pop songs in the shower. But this feeling is different, it's a feeling that builds from deep within her. It rattles her like a quiet vibration and it settles in her chest and makes her heart pound wildly. It's a combination of excitement and pain and anxiety and it's like the only way she can relieve it is by singing.
"Ready when you are."
"Jesus!" Santana whips around in the direction of the voice, her hand clutching her chest, "What the hell?"
It's Piano Brad emerging from the shadows and settling at the piano, "Sorry."
Santana just stares in disbelief, her chest heaving, "How long have you been standing there?"
Piano Brad just shrugs, "Awhile."
Santana slowly blinks her eyes and tries to steady her breathing, "That's really creepy."
Although, Piano Brad scared the shit out of her, she wonders about his offer. She thinks about how long it's been since she sang and how long it's been since she has been accompanied by a piano and how this is exactly what she needs to calm her nerves. This is exactly how she needs to express herself when she can't find the words.
But then the bell rings and she's shaken from her thoughts and she remembers what she has to do today.
A song got her into this mess with Brittany so it probably won't get her out of it.
"Maybe next time," Santana tells Piano Brad.
He nods and rises from the stool before exiting the room without another word.
Santana just stares at him once again in utter disbelief, "So weird."
She goes to take a seat as she checks the time and notes there are twenty-five minutes until she must face Brittany. She sits there, knees bouncing anxiously as she racks her brain for ways to apologize but she struggles. What could she possibly say that could make things okay again? Brittany made some good points and made Santana see things in a different light, but what really crushes her is the way Brittany looked at her before walking away. She looked like her whole world just got rocked and Santana can't believe it was by her doing. In the past, Santana has hurt Brittany before in more ways than one: from hiding who she was to rejection to dating other people, but she's never seen Brittany look at her the way she did. Because of that, Santana wouldn't be surprised if Brittany never wants to speak to her again but she has to at least try.
Santana just sits there and watches the minute hand slowly move.
