Chapter 8: Why I Can't Smile


Miyuki felt his insides churn sickeningly as he stared at the drawing.

"What is this? What in the world… How in the hell did this get there? The only culprit is… Eijun…"


The next day, Eijun made a blank face as he saw Miyuki frowning at him. "What's the matter? I didn't misplace anything when I cleaned, did I? I'll find it–"

"Why did you do that?"

"Eh? Do what?"

"Stop playing around. Look." The bespectacled teen pointed to the portrait on his desk.

The brunette gasped. "No wonder I couldn't find it! Sorry, I was drawing in art class and it suddenly came out like that! I guess I left it here by accident…"

Miyuki growled. He grabbed the first year by the arm and threw him against the wall. He cornered him with a wall slam. "Why the hell did you draw me? Why the hell am I smiling? I can't smile, for fuck's sake!"

Eijun could only listen. He was confused. "What are you talking about? What did I do wrong? You should be happy that at least someone cares about you–"

"NO ONE CARES! Everyone wants me dead! Every fucking person! I've been through so much, and God doesn't have mercy on me for shit! Everyone I loved slipped away from me in a flash! How do you expect me to smile with all this weight on my damn shoulders! Day and night, I go through this damn shit! No one can make me happy again! Until I kill everyone in the world, I'll never be able to truly smile again! This world is fucking rotten!

I once had this person I loved so much! They were the only human being that could make me laugh and smile without any regrets! Now they're gone… they'll never come back. Since that day, I vowed that I'll never love again. I don't wanna be hurt again. My suffering is way beyond repair! He's gone forever! I can't do this anymore! That's why I became who I am… I need revenge. I won't let this world have it so easy."

Eijun wiped a tear off Miyuki's cheek and pulled him in for a hug, rubbing his back soothingly. "Miyuki… no… Kazuya… I understand. I've been through the same. But it's nothing compared to the misery you've faced. I finally know the reasons why you kill people… for why you hate humanity. Let it all out. I'll be here for you, forever. I'll teach you how to love again. Plus, you're already starting to have feelings for me. Don't worry… I won't abandon you."

The bespectacled teen stared at him incredulously, then he broke apart, tears endlessly streaming down his cheeks. He knocked off his glasses and buried his face in the brunette's chest, releasing his pained screams and sobs from his soul until he fell asleep.


Miyuki was restless the following days. Every night, he would have a nightmare about his lost lover. They kept flowing in, one after another. It hurt him so much to remember him… yet it eased his heart to imagine his face.

'Youichi,' the murderer cried into his pillow. 'Why did you have to leave so early? I wasn't ready. You weren't either. So why? You knew better than to hang out with a fugitive like me, but you insisted for me to let you stay. I didn't understand you at first. But now I do. You loved me. You didn't care if I was a killer with no emotions. You made me feel warm and fuzzy for the first time in forever. I remembered what it felt like to love and to be loved. You woke up my senses. Why did it have to be me, though? There were more people out in the world who were ten times better than me, yet you said that being with me was all you could have ever wished for. I'm a horrible person. I'm worse than Hell. But from all those times we spent together… those pictures we took… those dark and depressing moments we shared… I took them for granted. I never believed in true happiness until you came along. You gave my life a new meaning. A new light. I warned you and you didn't listen. And now… you're dead. It's all my fault. If only you hadn't met me… if only I didn't exist in this damn world… if only I didn't accidentally put that knife to your heart… you would still be alive now. Living your life to the fullest. But no. A dumb, suicidal fuck like me just had to take it all away. I only hurt myself. I miss you so much. No matter how hard I wish, you'll never come back. Never. Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave me all alone in the cursed world? Why did I have to ruin it? Why always me? Youichi… please answer me, somehow. Let me hear your voice one last time. Anything. I know I'm being selfish… Please…'


Eijun smiled knowingly, looking at the wrinkled sheets and tear stains on Miyuki's bed the next morning. "He finally let it out, huh?"

Miyuki popped up next to him, a towel wrapped around his neck. "Hat are you doing here? Don't you have school today?"

The brunette nodded awkwardly. "Uh…Yeah… I'll be on my way! Bye!" He rushed down the stairs and ran out.

The bespectacled teen shrugged, shaking the water off his hair. "That was weird," he remarked. Sitting on his bed, he noticed Eijun's diary next to him, opened to a different page. One that he hadn't seen before.

'Did he just write this?'

Miyuki put on his glasses and read the new diary entry.

'Date: April 16

At last, I found him. It's been years, but I found him. A person that's as cruel as the guy who killed my family. I've made up my mind. If he kills, I kill with him. If he cries, I cry. If he gets hurt, count me in. I promise to make him smile someday. The biggest and most happiest smile he's ever done. I won't let him be alone anymore. I won't allow it. One day, he might get mad and hurt me unintentionally. I'll suppress that pain and chase after him. I won't give up until we finally gain the revenge we deserve. Even if it destroys us in the end.'

The hazel eyed teen sighed, laying down on his bed. "His words remind me of Youichi's… I don't understand. Why are they so similar… yet so far out of reach?"