Even though all of the drabbles in this series have so far been unconnected to each other and are their own little stories, this chapter directly follows the previous one because I wanted to make it into a longer storyline. Chapters 1 through 6 are standalone chapters, though.
And I just realized that I probably shouldn't be referring to these updates as "drabbles" anymore, since this one is over 4,000 words, lol. :)
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Episode: 20x09 ("Mea Culpa") Part 2
Genre: Friendship/romance
Rating: T
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The silence that follows Amanda's confession is so acute, it's as if every single occupant of the apartment has ceased to move or speak, like each one is waiting with bated breath for Olivia's answer. Amanda can no longer hear the kids chattering away at the kitchen table as their stack of drawings grow ever larger beside them; she can't hear Frannie shuffling along the floor around Noah and Jesse's chairs, no doubt looking for any morsel of food that may have been dropped from the snack she had set out for her daughter before their dinner guests had arrived.
She merely stares at Olivia in shock, disbelieving of the words that have just come flying out of her own mouth and fervently wishing she could take them all back, but there is nothing she can do about it now as they seem to hang in the air between them with the weight of a physical object. The older woman is gazing back at her with an unreadable expression on her face, dark eyes wide and penetrating, and Amanda is overcome with a wave of nausea as she realizes that there is absolutely no way of knowing what Olivia is thinking or what she is going to say in response to the utter insanity that has just been spouted.
When Olivia's lips finally part and the brunette draws in a deep breath as if she is about to speak, Amanda steels herself for the worst but hopes for the best, the dread and anticipation coiled so tightly inside of her that she can't differentiate one from the other. Visions of a happy future with Olivia and their children are dancing through her head; lazy weekend mornings and afternoons spent at the park, movies and picnics together, holidays that are no longer the depressing fare they once were but will now be filled with the joy of spending time with a family who loves her for who she truly is.
These delightful little moments that are playing out inside her mind are also interspersed with what will most likely be the reality of the situation; that Olivia will simply stride from the bedroom doorway and into the kitchen to grab Noah's hand, leading her son out of the apartment without a word, never to return to Amanda's home. Their existence together will revert back to what it used to be; only seeing each other at the precinct and for work-related events, every interaction between them awkward and contentious, and without the warmth and camaraderie that they share now.
Amanda swallows down an immense wave of sorrow for this particular version of the future, so bleak and dark and one that she couldn't possibly stand, her brow wrinkling with confusion when she is finally graced with the sound of Olivia's voice, the ensuing reply certainly not what she had been expecting.
"Amanda, I should get back out to the kitchen," Olivia answers softly, gesturing over to the pot of spaghetti sauce that is bubbling away on the stove. "I need to finish dinner and the kids shouldn't be left unattended right now. Why don't you just rest in here while I finish cooking and then I'll come get you when it's done? You need to make sure that fever doesn't get any higher."
Amanda nods slowly without verbally responding, whirling toward the bed in a state of numbness and figuring Olivia is just brushing off her ridiculous proclamation about living together and merely attributing this nonsense to her escalating temperature. She shivers with both pleasure and anguish when she feels a gentle hand running the length of her hair and down her back before she hears Olivia's footsteps retreating, not even bothering to turn around and watch her leave.
Amanda crawls into bed with stiff, pained movements, her heavy body bowing down toward the mattress with fatigue and rejection, cursing herself for not being able to control the absurdity that had spewed forth from her mouth before she could put a stop to it. She is joined by Frannie a moment later, as if the dog is again sensing her owner's distress and need for a cuddle, grateful tears springing to Amanda's eyes when she holds up a corner of the covers and the furry form of her pet instantly snuggles against her.
She lets her tired eyes flutter closed, listening to the noise in the kitchen as Olivia tells the kids to start packing up all of the paper and coloring books and get their hands washed for dinner, both Noah and Jesse disagreeing with this idea and loudly voicing their contempt. A small smile tugs at Amanda's lips as Olivia talks patiently with them, explaining that they can finish drawing when the meal is over, never raising her voice and maintaining her usual gentle composure, and she pushes her face into the pillow as a tear slips down her cheek.
She feels a warm, wet tongue running along her face as Frannie seeks to wipe away the moisture, and Amanda chuckles with disgust, turning away on the mattress and keeping her eyes firmly shut when she hears Olivia in the doorway once again, telling her that dinner is ready. There in a vast amount of shame overtaking her as she pretends to have fallen asleep, not moving a muscle when the older woman tiptoes over to the bed and leans over her prone form, Amanda letting out a soft snore for good measure.
A barely audible sigh sounds in response before Olivia returns to the kitchen, Amanda curling miserably into herself and wrapping both arms around her burgeoning belly, rubbing a hand over her blouse when she feels a light kick from the baby. The more she thinks about it, the less she can imagine packing up her entire life to move in with Dr. Al Pollack, a man who has cheated on her and was willing to pay for an abortion without even having a proper discussion about it first; someone who has made her feel like a worthless piece of trash more than once over the time they have spent together.
Amanda is not sure how much his kind gestures mean now, especially in light of everything that has happened over the last several months; the fancy dinners and the expensive gifts and his efforts to bond with Jesse paling in comparison to how he has treated her in the past. There is a persistent hint of guilt, however, when she thinks of the deep and abiding feelings she is having for Olivia while trying to make it work with her baby's father, much preferring to spend time with the other woman and her son instead of the man she has conceived a child with. Her mind is a whirlwind of confusion and angst, her head aching with fever and exhaustion and too many emotions to name, and this time she doesn't have to pretend to fall asleep as the culmination of recent events yank her swiftly beneath the black veil of consciousness.
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Amanda is startled when she abruptly awakens again, unsure of exactly where she is or what time it is, feeling too hot and extremely out of sorts, the remnants of strange dreams floating through her head and relieved to find herself in her own bed with Frannie still snuggled against her body, once her sticky eyelids become unglued and gradually open to take in her surroundings. Her heart leaps into her throat and she lets out a gasp when she notices a shadowy figure standing at the foot of her bed, blinking into the darkness and realizing that quite a lot of time must have passed since she had fallen asleep, no noise whatsoever emanating from the apartment beyond.
"Relax, honey, it's just me," Olivia whispers soothingly, Amanda watching as the older woman shuffles closer and a cool hand is laid upon her forehead. "You've been sleeping for quite awhile and I wanted to come in and check on you. You missed dinner. You must be pretty hungry by now."
"Where are the kids?" Amanda asks in a raspy voice, glancing around as if expecting to see them in the room too, but Olivia and Frannie are the only ones there with her, the dog shifting on the mattress and grunting slightly, as if they are disturbing her slumber.
"I put Jesse to bed and got Noah set up on the couch for the night," Olivia explains softly, Amanda wishing that the brunette would slide beneath the covers next to her instead of continuing to hover there, her tall figure creating a long shadow across the blankets. "They colored for awhile after dinner and then watched a movie before both of them started getting pretty cranky, so I thought it would be best to get them tucked in for the night. I think they were both overtired."
"I'm so sorry, Liv," Amanda replies in a gravelly tone, feeling the shame from earlier washing over her once more, and horror-stricken all over again at what she had confessed. "I swear I didn't invite you here so you would end up having to do everything; cooking dinner and taking care of the kids and putting them to bed. I should have just cancelled. If I had done that, none of this ever would have happened..."
A sudden sob bubbles up her throat and out of her mouth before she can try to push it back down, covering her eyes with her hands when it occurs to her that this might be the last night that Olivia spends in her home and unable to contemplate a future where they aren't at least close friends. Amanda feels the dip of the mattress as Olivia sits down beside her, unable to stop from turning her body toward the other woman and laying her head against the side of her thigh, wanting to soak in every ounce of the lieutenant's presence while she still can.
"Oh, sweetheart, you are burning up." The tender concern in Olivia's voice only makes Amanda cry harder for a moment, smooth fingertips brushing along her forehead once more and tucking unruly strands of long hair behind her ear. "Why don't I call Lucy to come stay with the kids and we'll go get you looked at by a doctor?"
"Let's wait until morning to do that, Liv," Amanda sniffles as she rubs her face against Olivia's leg, smearing her tears on the fabric of her pants. "I'm too tired to do that right now. I just want to stay in my own bed, okay? Not some gross hospital cot in the emergency ward. I might be feeling a lot better by the morning, anyway."
"Well, if that's not the case, we're definitely getting you some medical attention and I don't want to hear any more arguments about it," Olivia responds sternly, even as her movements remain tender, her hand running in sweeping circles over Amanda's shoulder blades. "For now, though, we need to get you into something lighter. You're still dressed in your work clothes, honey. How about I find some comfortable pajamas for you to wear?"
Amanda nods in return, instantly missing the compassionate physical connection when Olivia gets up from the bed and turns on a lamp before walking over to the dresser in search of something more appropriate for her to change into. She blinks in the sudden brightness and holds out her arms for assistance when Olivia comes back over to the bed with a pair of cotton pajamas in her hands, setting them aside and leaning down to help her into a sitting position, Amanda feeling bulky and unattractive with her giant belly protruding between them and professional attire rumpled beyond recognition.
After shrugging out of her blazer, she fumbles to undo the buttons on her blouse with swollen fingers that refuse to cooperate, finally allowing Olivia to take over a task that shouldn't be so difficult, despite her increasing embarrassment with the situation. It is rare for Amanda to let anyone witness her in such a vulnerable state, tears continuing to slip noiselessly down her cheeks while Olivia slowly unbuttons her shirt and lets the garment slip down her arms to pool on the covers after she gives the older woman another nod of consent.
Amanda glances down at her blue patterned maternity bra and bulging stomach, her breasts much larger than they used to be and seemingly growing at the same rate that her belly is, a hot blush crawling up her neck to heat her cheeks. While she appreciates Olivia's help, she can't help feeling exposed in front of her boss in more ways than one; her changing body being revealed bit by bit and her earlier confession still hanging in the air as if the words have taken on a solid form and she can actually reach out and touch them.
Olivia's hands are on her face now, thumbs stroking underneath her eyes to catching the tears that won't stop falling, and Amanda is at a loss on what to do or say next; whether to let the brunette continue helping her get ready for bed or to bring up the massive elephant in the room and talk about the subject that they both seem intent on avoiding.
Instead of choosing either of those options, Amanda gently grasps onto Olivia's wrists and stares up at the taller woman, their gazes locked intently on each other. "Where are you going to sleep tonight, Liv? Noah is on the couch and I don't want you sleeping on the floor..."
She trails off and lets her eyes drift suggestively to the vacant spot on the bed next to her, Frannie having shifted even further away on the sheets so that the animal is teetering on the very edge mattress, as if eager to escape the voices that have disrupted her slumber. Feverish and emotional, Amanda is desperate to feel Olivia's comforting arms around her, terrified that she has pushed the other woman away and needing to spend the night in the lieutenant's embrace, seeking some assurance that Olivia isn't going to vacate her life.
When the brunette doesn't answer right away, Amanda quickly scrambles to come up with something to cover the mortification that is enveloping her once again. "I mean, I understand if you would rather not stay in here and risk getting sick...you can always share the couch with Noah instead of sleeping on the floor..."
"You know, I think I would rather take the chance of getting sick than throwing my back out by spending the night on the hard floor or getting kicked in the face by my son on the couch. He's not the most peaceful sleeper," Olivia chuckles wryly, and Amanda feels a swell of hope rising inside her chest at the lighthearted response and the agreement to spend the night sharing a bed.
"Okay, Liv," she whispers with a lopsided smile, her heart beating faster when Olivia bends down again to continue assisting her with the removal of her clothing, guiding Amanda to her feet and reaching for the waistband of her dress pants before hesitating momentarily.
"It's alright," Amanda says softly, her palms coming up to cover Olivia's larger hands as they rest lightly on her hips, and her fingers trembling so badly with nerves and fatigue that she doesn't think she even has the strength to pull them down on her own, in spite of the lingering embarrassment. "You can keep helping me."
Olivia nods mutely, her gaze unreadable once more, and together they ease the pants down Amanda's legs, leaving her clad in blue patterned underwear that is a perfect match for the bra. Amanda is tempted to just pull her pajamas on over her undergarments to avoid the awkward nature of the next step in the process of getting ready for bed, but knows that she will be extremely uncomfortable if she has to sleep in the bra and panties set.
Olivia turns away with what looks to be a blush gracing her own cheeks, as if the territory they have just entered is too new and intimate for her, and is something that Amanda needs to take care of herself, murmuring that she is still there to help if Amanda really needs it. Her heart is pounding and there is sweat slicking her nearly naked body as Amanda removes her undergarments with shuddering hands, leaving herself entirely bare as Olivia stands just a few feet away from her, the older woman close enough to reach out and touch if she wants to.
Amanda has the sudden urge to step over to Olivia and whirl her around, planting a searing kiss on her lips and then burrowing herself into her chest, longing to be held by the older woman even as mortification and regret continue to thrum through her veins due to their present circumstances and what she had confessed earlier in the evening. Instead, she simply lowers her tired body down to perch there on the edge of the bed, her nudity on full display if Olivia decides to turn back around, lost in overwhelming thoughts as she absently rubs circles over her pale belly and feels a slight fluttering motion beneath her palms.
She smiles softly and looks down at her protruding stomach, the moonlight that is trickling in through the blinds illuminating her skin and giving it an ethereal glow, picturing the child within and wondering how her life will play out from this point forward. Amanda slowly becomes aware of a set of eyes resting upon her, large dark orbs seeming to peer straight into her soul as Olivia peeks over her shoulder, and Amanda raises her gaze so their eyes are locked on one another, the tension in the small space suddenly feeling like it is about to explode.
"God, Amanda, you are so breathtakingly gorgeous," Olivia breathes in awe, Amanda's eyebrows shooting upwards in shock as the other woman continues to speak in a tone that is now remorseful. "I didn't mean to violate your privacy but you were quiet for so long that I thought something was wrong. I should have asked before turning around, though. I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Liv, you don't need to apologize," Amanda whispers honestly, frozen into the sheets and making no move to cover herself, still in disbelief that Olivia can possibly think of her in this way; that she is actually an attractive and desirable woman in her current state.
She watches as Olivia very slowly makes her way over to the bed, her boss' movements careful and deliberate as she removes one of the blankets from the mattress and tucks it around Amanda's shoulders before kneeling down on the floor in front of her and placing her palms on her knees. Amanda's skin immediately begins tingling beneath the brunette's warm touch, lifting her hand to graze her knuckles along Olivia's cheekbone as they gaze at each other in silence for a moment.
"Amanda...what you said before about wanting to live with me instead of Al..." Olivia appears to be stumbling over her words and Amanda nods encouragingly, at once elated and terrified at finally being able to have this discussion after Olivia has been avoiding it all evening. "I panicked and left the room without answering you because I couldn't admit that it's something I've thought about too."
Amanda swallows hard, her heart thumping so hard inside her chest that it feels as if the organ might actually burst right out of her rib cage with the force of the motion, and she makes an effort to stay calm and slow her rapid breathing down; to just sit there wrapped up snugly in the blanket and listen to what Olivia has to say.
"I shouldn't have acted the way I did and I'm sorry about that, but the things I feel for you, Amanda..." The older woman seems to be having trouble gathering her thoughts and choosing the appropriate words to say, and Amanda understands exactly what she is going through, feathering her fingers gently through Olivia's hair to soothe her. "Well, they are things that a boss shouldn't be feeling for her subordinate and a friend shouldn't be feeling for another friend. It's just not right."
"There is no right way to feel, Liv," Amanda points out softly, leaning forward to plant a tender kiss on the smooth olive skin of Olivia's forehead. "And titles don't matter. When we're spending time together outside of the precinct, we're not Lieutenant Benson and Detective Rollins, we're not boss and subordinate; we're just Olivia and Amanda. And relationships can change; sometimes friends fall in love with each other-"
Amanda cuts herself off with a choked gasp, her heart giving a sickening lurch inside her chest when she realizes that the term love has not been mentioned at all in this entire conversation and has never been brought up at any other point in time; that the sentiment has just been existing in her own private thoughts, occasionally floating through her head whenever she allows herself to think that deeply about her true feelings for Olivia. She pulls the blanket more tightly around her naked, trembling frame, her head hanging low, too afraid to glance up and look Olivia in the eye as the tears continue traveling in wet pathways down her cheeks, dripping one by one from her chin to land in her lap.
"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda whispers raggedly, feeling so out of control with her thoughts and emotions that she doesn't know how to reign herself back in again and wonders if she will just keeping spiraling. "I didn't mean to jump straight to the L-word; I didn't mean to assume that your feelings went that far-"
Her word are abruptly cut off once more, but this time the interruption is due to Olivia's actions and not her own, Amanda giving a surprised and ecstatic squeak as a pair of plump lips are pressed firmly into her own. She is burning with fever and her head is spinning dizzily, but all thoughts of Olivia possibly catching her cold fly right out of her brain as intense passion obliterates anything else and Amanda is kissing the other woman back with a fervent burst of energy that leaves her stunned and breathless.
When they eventually pull away from one another, limbs shaking and hair wild, Olivia appears just as feverish as she herself is, the older woman's dark eyes shimmering and dilated, her lips swollen and cheeks blooming a bright pink as she tries to catch her breath. The brunette looks like she has something to say but is having difficulty getting the words out again, and Amanda reaches over to massage Olivia's shoulders, digging her fingertips into the tight muscles and trying to get her to relax, her jaw dropping open in astonishment when Olivia is finally able to speak.
"Your assumption was correct, Amanda, and whether my feelings are right or not, I love you too. And I've loved you for a very long time now."
Amanda is utterly speechless for several seconds and all she can manage to do in response is slump forward into Olivia's chest, the other woman letting out a concerned gasp and enveloping her in a tight embrace, Amanda's arms winding around her neck as she presses her damp face into Olivia's hair. She inhales the sweet smell of Olivia's shampoo, trying to ground herself in the familiar scent and slow her racing heartbeat down, determined to find her control once again and have a proper conversation about everything that has transpired over the past few hours, knowing they have so much to discuss about the future.
"We're going to talk after you get some rest okay?" Olivia says softly, as if the older woman is able to read her mind, and Amanda melts even further into her taller frame when she feels a smooth hand slip beneath the blanket to rub her bare back. "You're exhausted and unwell, and I'm going to get into bed beside you and hold you all night while you sleep, and nothing more than that is going to happen. There's plenty of time to talk in the morning, after we decide if you need to see a doctor."
Amanda nods drowsily against Olivia's neck, the patterns that are being drawn on her warm skin already lulling her into slumber even as she remains sitting on the edge of the mattress, leaning heavily against the strong form of the woman she adores. She is aware that Olivia is trying to maneuver her body into the middle of the bed so that she is no longer dangling over the side, both of them giggling when the older woman loses her balance and they go sprawling onto the sheets together, Amanda instantly wrapping herself back into Olivia's arms with no thought of putting on the pajamas that have fallen to the floor.
"I love you so much, Liv," she whispers into Olivia's ear, feeling a tender kiss being pressed to her temple as her eyelids flutter closed and she drifts off into a content sleep.
