Chapter 8
"Be careful!"
I heard the caution in Andreas' voice. Looking down from the bedroom window I clung to, I smiled down at him. We both knew that I had done this at least a hundred times and only fell twice. But even then, Andreas still held out his arms under me. I quietly let go of the window edge and fell into his arms.
"How many times will I have to do this until you stop worrying so much?" I leaned in closer and playfully kissed the tip of his ice cold nose. His worried expression soon melted into a gentle smile.
"For the rest of our lives, I guess." Andreas picked up my frosty hands and rubbed it between his own, trying to thaw them out. We were once again behind my apartment in the ghetto where we always met each other. Dressed only in my wool dress and thin sweater, I shivered as a gust of icy wind blew. Slowly, he took off his thick green coat and draped it over my shoulders. I pulled the collar closer to my face, inhaling his wonderful, familiar scent. It was still warm from his body.
"So how have you been?" I asked him.
"I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about. Your getting thinner, Sarah." I saw through his eyes and felt how sympathetic he felt for not only me, but all the Jews in the ghetto.
I decided to try my hardest to lighten up the mood and make our time together as happy as I could. Letting go of his hand, I skipped away from him into the dark shadows of the alley that surrounded our apartment. I started whistling my favorite lullaby and twirling around. With my arms outstretched beside me, I stopped and stuck out my tongue towards the sky. I smiled as I felt the cool drops of snow cover my tongue. Andreas laughed behind me. It wasn't long until I felt his hands around my waist. Leaning my head back on his shoulder I started again, singing my lullaby.
"I know that song" Andreas said into my ear. "My mama used to sing it to me as a child as well." I listened as he joined in with my own voice, humming the soothing notes that both of us remembered. His voice was so much better than mine. While my voice was shaky and out of tune, his was smooth, hitting every note with perfection.
"Something wonderful happened today, Andreas." I swayed in his arms to the rhythm of his voice and mine.
"And what's that?" he said, kissing my neck gently.
"Well, today I woke up and went to see Llana. I found her sitting on her bed, holding a gorgeous, red rose. It turns out that Nathan had somehow found a single fresh rose peaking up from the filthy yard behind our house and had given to her." Andreas planted one last kiss on the edge of my neck.
"That is wonderful." I turned and faced him. Our noses touched.
"There is still life here, Andreas. There are still beautiful things that grow in our own backyards even in a place surrounded by so much pain." I noticed as Andreas realized what I meant.
"And there always will be, Sarah."
I woke up with a start. I was drenched in sweat. Dry tears covered my face. I looked around to make sure that I was still in the same room as I fell asleep in. I was. I was still in the same, grey, filthy displaced person's camp. Mama, papa, Hannah and I had stumbled upon this place while looking for a hospital. It's where most of the people from Oskar Schindler's camp went.
"What is it, Sarah?" I turned towards Lev who was gently rubbing my back. He never slept yet still had enough energy to go about the rest of the day.
I had found him soon after reuniting with papa. He and Elijah had found me amidst all the chaos swirling around me. I had begged and pleaded for them to follow me, practically on my knees. I couldn't bare being separated from them for the rest of my life. Now that Andreas had left, I needed them to partially fill in the hole in my heart.
Omah and her younger brother Gabriel, however, I never did find again. Elijah, Lev and I had searched for as long as possible for them but she was no where to be seen. My world was literally breaking apart.
"Nothing. Just a nightmare." I leaned against Lev and shut my tear rimmed eyes. His frail arms held onto me tightly.
And here I was. Right back to where I started. Andreas was gone and I had no idea what to do with my life next. The hardest part of it though was the fact that Andreas and I had separated each other angry. I kept replaying every horrible thing I said to him a thousand times in my head. How could I have treated him so terribly? I was angry and upset that I would no longer be able to hold him, to kiss him, to see him. I would have given anything to just turn back time and take back everything I said to him that day. It was three months ago exactly. It felt like three years to me. Three endless years.
I opened my eyes and looked over at Elijah who was sleeping quietly beside us. I reached out my hand and touched his chilly cheek. I felt his breath hit my hand.
"It will be fine, Sarah. He'll come back."
I had neglected to tell Lev and Elijah exactly what happened that day Andreas left me. I didn't tell them what I had said to him in a fit of rage, why I was torturing myself so much. It was killing me inside to picture the look that came over Andreas' face when I shouted at him. Just go, leave me! Just like before! Each time I replayed what happened in my head, a wave of guilt washed over my entire body that made me want to die.
Death.
Of course I thought about death since I arrived at the DP's camp. I thought about killing myself once. I remember it quite vividly.
I was standing in the line for food with mama and papa. I had my cold, metal bowl in my hand as I stood, slightly swaying, waiting for the line to start moving again. A woman at one of the tables ahead of me was cutting slices of bread with a long, shiny knife. She was finishing up with the loaf when her attention drifted away and she accidentally cut her finger instead of the bread. Blood dripped off her finger and onto the bread slices. She stuck her oozing finger into her mouth and sucked out her blood. I thought to myself how it didn't look like she was in much pain after the slice she had made into her finger. I imagined myself stealing the knife and ending my life with a single plunge. The thought of ending all my suffering and be landed into the hands of God which seemed quite wonderful at the moment. Then I thought about all the people who I loved and who loved me. How could I beg Elijah and Lev to come with me just for me to kill myself and abandon them.
I had told Elijah about that time and listened to what he had to say.
"Sarah, one thing I need you to understand it that I need you just as much as you need me." I remember his words so clearly because of the fact that he broke out into tears as he said this. It was a long time of holding my dear friend, apologizing for what I thought to do to myself, under he calmed down.
That was the first of two times I ever thought about killing myself.
Lev held onto me tighter. I cried so hard that by the time I had finished, my chest hurt. My heart hurt, my throat hurt. I wanted so badly to turn back time and take back everything bad I had said to Andreas. I was so angry at myself that I wanted to hit something until they felt my pain.
"Tell me, Sarah. Why are you so upset? What is the real reason?"
Gathering what ever strength I had left, I told Lev everything that went on between Andreas and I the day we were liberated. I told him that I was upset at him for lying to me, telling me that he would never leave me again. I told him how I pushed him away and never said goodbye to him. Lev took my chin in his hand and tilted my face towards his. I had never noticed what beautiful facial features he had- perfect bone structure and full lips.
"Sarah, he knows that whatever bad things you said to him that day were words from anger and worry. He would never think that you actually meant those things you said to him. And he also would never leave you unless it was the last possible option to keep you safe."
I sat up and faced Lev. His eyes were teary and sad looking. I wiped his face with my sleeve and then my own. "I know, Lev. And everyday I have this huge sense of guilt to live with knowing that those might have been the last words I would ever say to him." I bit down on my bottom lip hard. My hands were clenched into tight fists. "I want to have him back, Lev. I'd do anything to have him back. I'd die to just hold him once more."
"Lets get some sleep, Sarah."
I closed my eyes as I felt his soft lips kiss my forehead. As soon as I saw him lay back down next to Elijah, I took my usual place by my parents and sister and prayed for the sweet relief of sleep to take me out of my painful world.
I woke up the next morning to the usual sounds of arguing people and tin bowls clattering. Hannah was getting better, stronger as the days passed on. She came by with her bowl and sat beside me. Her little fingers held the bowl with caution. They only give you so much food in the DP camps.
"How are you feeling, Hannah?" I asked her as I pulled myself upright.
"I'm feeling better. Well, actually I feel kinda guilty." I crawled closer to her and placed my hand on her head.
"Why's that?"
"Well, mama and papa keep giving me most of their food every day. I try to tell them that I'm not hungry because I see how hungry they get. I even hear mama's stomach crying sometimes." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. My poor sister was feeling guilty for eating the food mama and papa gave to her. I felt so sorry for her.
"Oh Hannah, don't feel guilty. You why?" She tilted her head up to me in confusion.
"Why?" Her tiny voice was muffled by oncoming tears.
"Because after everyone is asleep around here, and all the lights are shut off, mama and papa meet with one of the workers here. His name is Paco and he is their friend. Paco gives them more food to eat in secret, so no one else gets jealous." I smiled at her, hoping she would believe me. "They don't go hungry, Hannah. So don't feel guilty." She nodded her tiny head and leaned against my side.
"Good morning!" Elijah came up from behind us and put both his arms around our shoulders. He was in a cheery mood, as always. That was one of the reasons I hadn't gone completely insane in the DP camp. Elijah always made sure that the mood wasn't too depressing.
"Elijah!" Hannah carefully placed her bowl on the ground and jumped into his arms. She giggled and smiled with joy as he hugged her and sat her down on his lap. Elijah was Hannah's best friends. She told me.
I laughed to myself as I saw how happy Hannah immediately became with Elijah. He looked at me and smiled.
"You're going to need a hair cut soon" I said to him. Elijah's cropped hair was now at a normal length and healthier looking. Everything about him was healthier looking. He playfully took a strand of my hair in his hand and tugged it.
"So are you." I laughed and nudged him. My hair was slowly regaining it's color and strength. I had it tied up in a pony tail, despite Elijah's attempts to get me to have it down on my shoulder's again. I wasn't that confident yet.
"Hannah, I think some of your friends are outside playing baseball. They asked me to get you to play." Elijah made himself sound as excited as he possibly could. "They're waiting for you!"
Hannah beamed with excitement. She clumsily climbed off of his lap and ran outside. "I'll score a homerun for you, Elijah!" she squeaked out, waving at him. Once she was outside, Elijah's smiled faded and his expression turned serious.
"Sarah" he whispered.
"Did Lev tell you?" Elijah nodded his head and sat closer to me. I took hold of his hand. His usually warm fingers were cold and clammy.
"He'll be back and when he is, everything will be different in the best way imaginable." He squeezed my also cold fingers. I smiled, telling myself that Elijah was always right and that he would never tell me something if he didn't believe it himself.
Elijah was wrong.
Hello everyone! First, I'd like to say thank you sooo much for the really kind reviews I got from the last chapter. I had so much fun writing it just knowing where the story was going to go after! I hope you like this chapter even though nothing really important happened in it. I think that this chapter is going to be the "calm before the storm". I already know what's going to happen after it and I am absolutely and utterly excited to type it out!! Please send me any reviews or comments that you think could help me improve my story/writing or where you think this story should go! Like I said before, imagination is endless!
Thank you so much again for your support! Have an awesome week!
TwilightGirl14
