Chapter Eight

They hadn't been sat there long, just a few minutes and yet it felt more like hours. Castiel sat perfectly still, staring down at his joined hands that rested carefully in his lap.

Dean pretty much mirrored his actions, both of them almost stunned into silence. The air around them was intense, neither of them wanting to speak first.

Dean risked a glance in Cas' direction and lowered his head once more and attempted to start what could be a very emotional conversation.

"I don't even know where to start…I guess…I'm just…wow this is harder than I thought." Dean stared at the floor, looking lost and struggling to find the right words. He wanted to sort this out once and for all, hoping Cas wouldn't shoot him down too soon. When Castiel didn't speak, he decided to continue.

"I guess the first I want to say is…I'm so sorry…"

Castiel raised his head and looked at Dean, who was still staring at the floor.

"For what?" he asked quietly

Dean looked up to meet Cas' stare, his face now confused.

"For what?...have you been asleep for the past three years?...for everything! I have been a total and complete Douche bag to you, I can't even begin to express how bad I feel, how sorry I am for hurting you and for abandoning you the way I did"

Cas looked at Dean in shock, he never expected him to be so…honest? Open? And he saw that Dean was practically flaring with anger at himself, for what he had done.

"No I have not been asleep, believe me. Would have been easier if I was…"

Dean looked sadly at Cas, realising how hard this must have been on him and there was Dean going off on a self pity parade.

"Jeeez, I'm so sorry Cas, I really am"

"Would you stop apologising. Look…I don't blame you for all of this. Sure maybe you could have stuck by me or at least still spoken to me through all of this. But that's how high school goes sometimes, we simply drifted apart. I don't hate you."

Dean couldn't believe that Cas didn't blame him for all of this. He was so sure that Cas hated his guts and if it was the other way around, Dean was sure he would have been mad as hell.

"How can you not blame me? I abandoned you! We were best friends and one little transfer to the school swim team and I was suddenly running off to parties with new people, leaving you sitting there alone and I didn't take your feelings into consideration."

Castiel broke his contact with Dean and simply stared at the wall ahead. He couldn't lie to himself, during those first couple of months he went off Dean, couldn't believe Dean would leave him for the airheads on the swim team and all the while Cas grew to believe that it was for the best.

Dean had never been cruel or hurtful to Cas, not on purpose anyway. Towards the end of their first high school year, after Dean's move to the team, his new team mates had dragged him off to parties and persuaded him to meet new people and some girls, Dean was introduced into the popular crowd. He tried his best to keep Cas involved, but it didn't end well and Cas ended up alone most days, the popular crowd didn't exactly take to Castiel, which put Dean in a difficult position.

The summer that followed quickly after Dean's initiation into the swim team, was incredibly tough. They live in the same street and yet he barely seen Dean that summer. Every time he called at the Winchester house, Dean was elsewhere with his new "Friends" and that was the summer that Cas gave up, he stopped making an effort and they simply drifted apart.

The start of the second year was hard, Dean and Cas found themselves in an awkward stance when they came face to face in school. Dean tried to make explanations of why he hadn't been around and Cas brushed it off, saying he knew Dean was busy and not to worry.

Dean's new friends had said his stint in the swim team wouldn't last very long, if he insisted hanging out with losers like Cas, to which Dean jumped to the defence of his friend.

But by that point they had already drifted so far apart and things were awkward now. From that moment on they never spoke again, Castiel decided to back off completely and Dean did the same.

"Maybe you didn't consider my feelings and I was hurt. But I also understood…" Cas stated, still staring at the wall in front of him, Dean watched him carefully as he continued.

"I was so happy for you. When you made the swim team, I felt so proud and I wanted the absolute best for you. I knew your family would be happy at your news and I had never seen you so content. I didn't want to jeopardise your chances, it meant me stepping aside, letting you go around with the new crowd and I was happy to do that, because you were happy."

"I was never happy Cas. I have had the worst time, those people aren't my friends, and they never have been. In fact I don't like a single one of them, not my team mates, not the popular crowd and not even the girls. They're all so fake and nasty people."

Cas looked back to Dean, confused at his admission of being unhappy and wondered if he had known that at the time, would he of intervened?

"But you were popular…"

"Being popular isn't as great as it sounds. I may have been surrounded by people Cas, but not a single one of them was my friend and I had never felt so alone in my life."

Castiel's features turned sad and he actually felt sorry for Dean.

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

Dean's face dropped and he shook his head, huffing out a humourless laugh.

"No. no don't you dare apologise to ME. That isn't right, I'm the screw up here, and you haven't done a thing wrong…"

"…I have missed you so much. When I realised exactly what I had given up, what I had lost…I was heartbroken. I was such an ass to you, I should have been there for you, being a good friend and stuck by your side. You were always my one and only friend, there has never been anyone else and every single day I missed you."

Blue and green eyes met in a mutual understanding and for the first time in a long time, they felt at ease with each other.

"I missed you too, a day hasn't gone by when I don't think about you Dean. As cheesy as that sounds." Cas stated, tears threatening to fill his eyes.

"I thought about talking to you. Every day for the past 3 years, I would wake up and say 'today is the day I'm going to make amends' and I would get to school, see you and my nerves would get the better of me." Dean admitted, breaking their gaze and hanging his head, almost in shame.

"Why didn't you just talk to me?"

"I was afraid. The times that I attempted to acknowledge you or smile in your direction, you seemed distant…like you didn't want me to even try. I guess I feared that if I tried to talk to you, that I would get shot down and rejected. If I am being open and honest here…the rejection would have ended me." Dean confessed.

Castiel now realising the extent of what he had been through. It wasn't just Cas who had a rough few years, it was Dean too.

"I would never have rejected you Dean. I always hoped that you and I could be friends again…like I said, I don't blame you. We simply drifted apart and I'm sorry you have felt so alone, if I had known how unhappy you were, I might have stepped in."

Dean brought his head up to meet Cas' eyes again. Both of them feeling emotionally drained.

"I'm sorry you felt so alone too. It's ridiculous that this whole time we had nobody to turn to, we needed each other and now it seems we have wasted 3 years of our lives. What could have been happy years." Dean said sadly.

They both breathed a sigh of relief, glad that the air had been cleared some what and there was an air of hope now surrounding them both, that this could be a fresh start for them.