He was far too relieved when he had found Edward and Bella simply sitting together in the living room, silently. He was also far too relieved when Edward left.
And when Bella had said that she could block his power…It was good that Jasper had left when he had, for he almost lost all his self-control in that moment. He still had so many things to figure out about himself, let alone adding the thought of consuming humans again. He shivered, confusing running through his entire mind and body.
And then, after Edward had left, he had been shocked to feel her shield fall. He was feeling her vulnerability, her ease, and then suddenly the most intense form of shock. He attributed it to him having such good memory of his own human life, recent as that development was.
Peter responded immediately, telling Jasper that he felt like it was a "great idea" to go to the local library. Jasper intended to spend all his time in the archival rooms, searching for his own name, perhaps for Bella, and perhaps for her family members. That would yield greater results.
He just wished she had come with him.
"I haven't been to a library for research in ages." Jasper said, nonchalantly.
"Me either, though Char and I sometimes venture to this one to check out the new releases. Edward said he'd be on his way soon too, right?"
Jasper nodded his affirmation.
The pair went inside, strolled to the front desk to gain access to the archival room, and made their way down, Edward joining them shortly after.
"Okay, look. It's really not my place to get involved, but I am involved by proxy so shut up and listen to me for a minute." Edward started immediately.
Jasper was surprised. It wasn't often that Edward was so demanding. Peter and he sat quietly to listen.
"Okay. Neither of you are paying any attention at all to the world around you. Neither of you are caring about the impact you are having on those around you, you're making me listen to your damn thoughts all day, you're sitting by quietly and letting this opportunity pass you by-"
"Wait, I get the feeling you're not talking about me." Peter interrupted.
"No, you idiot, I'm talking about Jasper and Bella."
"Bella?" Jasper let out, shocked.
"Yes! Bella! The woman who you can't stop thinking about! The woman who haunts your thoughts all damn day! Just talk to her!"
Jasper stood up, tired of being talked to, tired of hearing about how much his thoughts were annoying Edward. "Look, if you hate it so much, get out of my head!"
"I can't help it!" Edward shot back. "You know that, you know that I can't help it, Jasper. Maybe you should take your own initiative to talk to her, get your mind out of the damn past, and take action!"
Jasper sputtered, his anger was rising, if he was still human his heart would be pounding, his face flushed, his hands shaking. But he was a vampire, but he was a vampire who had the power to control and manipulate feelings of those around him.
"Alright, calm down major. You're gonna have the whole library killing each other, and that is something none of us need." Peter stood between the two men. "Lets go over here, yeah? I feel like this section will have some neat results." Peter led jasper to the manuscript room, thinking to Edward "Fuck off." As he went.
Edward sighed angrily and left in a huff to search through classical novels.
Peter and Jasper sat in silence, each searching for something to read, before Peter said. "he is right you know."
"Peter, I don't need you to tell me off too."
He raised his hands. "I don't want to tell anyone off, but I just wanna say, as your friend, that you've been kind of blind to those around you and their feelings. The whole time you've been here you've been out of the house or moping in the corner. It's kind of really a downer. Hell, did you even notice that Carlisle and Esme were gone yesterday?"
"No." Jasper said shortly, though his tone was lighter when he said. "I didn't."
"Exactly. You've been so focused on yourself, on your past, that you're refusing to live in the present, you're forgetting who you are and where you came from. You need to relax, apologize to your family, and read that book over there." He added. Jasper could feel the weird gut sensation he always got when Peter knew something.
Jasper looked to where he had gestured and noted the book for later. "Okay. Sorry."
"It's okay man. I'm just here for the ride. But you really ought to talk to you family. I think they're worried about you. Alice especially."
Jasper groaned. He didn't even want to think about Alice. Months ago, his feelings for his wife had all but disappeared, and he had developed similar feelings to the girl, Belle, in his memory. It was infuriating. And then he met Bella. And his whole life had changed. It had been flipped upside down, shaken, stirred, and served over a piping hot fire, melting any ties he may have had to Alice away. He ignored it though. Until today, when she had made that comment about blocking his feelings. He was instantly confused, thrown off, staggered. He had never entertained the thought of compulsively shifting back to drinking humans until that moment. And man, did he want to. But he didn't want to. He felt like he really was a different person, a better man, when he consumed non-human animals instead. But the lust he felt for the sweet sensation of fresh, beating, pulsing, human blood was overwhelming. And when he fed shortly after, he only consumed one deer before he felt like gagging. He nearly did, much to the concern of his coven mates. He left shortly after, embarrassed for his actions and feelings, after everything the Cullens had done for him, had worked toward with him. All of that, all of the foundations of his solid, stable life, crumbling at the mere mention of being able to consume humans again without the emotional toll.
And then, the more he thought about it, the more he started to reflect on Bella. On his run back to the house his thoughts were racing. He was thinking of Belle, of Bella, of Alice, of Carlisle, Edward, Esme, Rose, Emmett. Charlotte, Peter, himself. How disappointed the Cullens would be, should he stray from their path. How he could join his friends once again. Of Belle, and her silly actions, Bella, how she tempted him. How she said things that should set him off, but it was almost like she knew him in such an intimate way that she knew he wouldn't be bothered by her comments. But how could she possibly know him that way? How could she know that what she said wouldn't set him off negatively?
And how the hell was he supposed to talk to Alice about this? How was he going to explain to her that he now only loved her, as if she were a close friend? He how was he to break her heart, to explain these feelings he was having when he didn't even understand them himself?
"Fuck." He moaned, his head shaking in his hands. "What am I supposed to do."
"Man, I don't know. But for now, lets just do some reading. Look, this book looks like it would be interesting." Peter handed him a leather-bound book fastened by a thick saued strap.
"Okay." He said, resignedly.
He flipped through the pages, noticing that some pages were ripped out. He finally settled on a page early into the book, which he found out was a journal, and read.
July, 1856
She got this journal for me for my birthday. Silly girl. Thinking I would write in a journal. Well, that is was I thought, at least, until this very moment. Here I am. Writing in this silly journal that that silly girl has given me.
Jasper read the page three more times before lifting his head to look at Peter. "I think this journal was mine."
"What do you think that?"
"I just…It looks so familiar to me, and when I read this entry I can remember writing it. Bella got this journal for me."
"Bella?" Peter asked, confusion etched on his features.
"Is that what I said? I meant Belle." Jasper said softly, not looking up. He flipped through the journal again, landing on an entry that detailed their first sexual encounter. Then one that told a story of how she fell on her way to class and broke her ankle. One where she first told him she loved him. Her leaving Travis, him proposing, the wedding, the first night, the trials they had, wanting to conceive a child, his heartbroken entry the night he learned she had miscarried. He stared at the book in his hand.
Everything he was reading was coming back to him in flashes, a clarity among them. He remembered tucking away her signature into the hidden pocket. Where was that? His hands explored the book, finally finding a worn split between the back cover and the last page. It was delicate, years of non use told him it was stuck. He carefully pulled it open. Several slips of torn paper fell out into his lap. Every single one she had written to him, her signature with a delicately written "I love you".
Isabella Marie Whitlock.
Before Peter could do or say anything, Jasper sped out of the archival room at full speed, out of the library, on his way back to the house. He needed to speak to Bella.
That was all that mattered. Bella. Bella was all that mattered. Bella, Belle, Isabella, Elle. Elle because her grandmother was named Isabella, but she hated her full name. But her mother, Rene, refused to allow her to be called Bella. Belle, because loved the sound of it. Bella, because she was a vampire now.
"I'm so stupid!" he said to himself, the wind blowing in his face, as he ran home. He stopped short in a field somewhere. "Elle Swan didn't exist!" he said, pulling out his phone and quickly entering in a search.
"Isabella Marie Swan." He said, astonished at the hundreds of pages that name search yielded.
Sherriff Swan Welcomes Baby Girl!
Isabella Swan to Marry pharmacy wiz son!
Split between lover Isabella and Travis
Isabella Marie Whitlock, MISSING
Jasper was stunted. How could he be so blind. Without thinking, he was running again, toward the house. To Bella.
He barreled through the door, barely noticing that his coven and Charlotte were there.
"Where's Bella?" he demanded.
"Why?" Esme asked.
"It doesn't matter." Jasper snapped back at her. "Where is she?"
Esme was taken aback, but she stepped back.
"There's no need to speak to anyone that way, Jasper." Carlisle said calmly. "We haven't seen her. She was gone when we got back."
"I went to put a new book in her room and all of her stuff was gone. She didn't say anything, but it isn't uncommon for her. She leaves without notice all the time."
Jasper didn't know what to do. He stood silently, frozen, for some time before anyone broke the silence. "Jasper, are you okay?" Alice asked.
"No," he said softly, "No I'm not okay."
"Where is Edward? And Peter?" Rosalie asked. "You're scaring me, Jasper."
Jasper waved her off. "The library." He said, before he bolted up the stairs and into his and Alice's shared room to pack up the essentials. He threw his laptop, some clothes, money, his journal, and a book into his duffle bag before bolting to the front door again.
"What the fuck is going on?" Emmett asked, confused.
Jasper had his mind set on one thing, and one thing only. He needed to find Bella, to explain everything to her. He needed to tell her all about the journal, his memories. That she was the one he was married to. That, if she would have him, was his mate.
As jasper went to leave the house, Alice stopped in front of him. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she looked smaller than usual; defeated.
"Jasper, what are you doing?" She asked. Though he guessed she already knew. Her emotions were haywire, as were his own.
He didn't know what to do. The woman standing in front of him had given everything he was today, his life, his experiences. Everything he was right now was because of the petite woman before him. Seventy years, with this woman. All of that gone because of some memories.
Alice and Jasper stared at one another. He was reeling, her emotions were that of pain, sorrow, acceptance. He wondered how long she had been feeling this way. How long he had failed to notice her.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, trying to convey the emotion, the meaning, in his voice. He projected to her how he felt. How he was truly apologetic, regretful, thankful for her, for this life, for everything. And yet he was so completely in love with another woman. He was the worst.
She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. "I saw you with her all day today. I tried not to look, but I think…I think her shield fell today. I tried not to look, but it just-"
"Alice." He said simply, grasping her upper arms gently. "Thank you."
She smiled at him. "Go, don't worry about me. I also saw myself in Tahiti next month."
"Tahiti?" Jasper asked.
"Were you with anyone else?"
"in Tahiti? No." She said ominously. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the one for you, Jasper."
Jasper's heart broke. He felt like there had to be someone out there for Alice. But she hadn't found them yet, and that was what broke his heart, for until then, she would be alone. "You were the one for me Alice. You've made me who I am. I'm sorry that…that it is this way."
She narrowed her eyes and hit him harshly on the arm, causing him to rub at the area. "Don't be stupid. I like Bella. And what a story."
"Bella!" Jasper said again. "Where is she? Do you know?" He noticed that the rest of the vampires had left to give the two of them their privacy.
"No, her shield is up again. But ask Peter, I think he'll know."
"Peter, right. Right." Just as he was about to dial Peter's number, he received a text that said "I already bought your airplane ticket. It leaves in an hour."
With one last fleeting glance at Alice, one last dive into her soul, he left, running the entire way to the airport, not knowing where he would end up, but knowing that where ever he did, it would be right.
