"What the hell are we doing to you?"
Not "what is he doing to you?" but "what are we doing to you?".
The distinction tore at him, galvanized him to raise his head.
In the beginning it had been easy, simple to allow himself to accept Orochi's terms. To take on the agony of his touch and what it might entail. That had been before he had fully realized Orochi's fascination with him. Before he had pieced together the elements that he should have realized all along.
He had been truthful when he had said this experience was not about his pain alone. Orochi had studied him to well, found the inner weaknesses that he strove to hide from everyone. His shame over Yusuke's involvement had deepened taking on a life of its own in his mind. Without Yusuke Orochi's ministrations would not be half as effective.
Orochi's fascination was with his duality of soul in all of its aspects. Each touch of the demon's abilities forced it's way into the inner sanctity of where Suichi and Youko merged creating tears and rents that had not existed before.
He had imagined in doing so Youko would emerge but that was not the case. Not here under such heavily warded, controlled conditions. Instead he was finding Suichi more and more and his human side was not as well controlled as Youko or as he was being of both of them.
Vulnerable was not an aspect he had ever dealt with on this kind of level. Yes becoming Suichi originally, suppressing himself to the degree he did had made him that way physically. At the time it had been necessary, here in this atmosphere it took on a new and disturbing dimension. It was the last emotion he needed at the forefront of his thoughts. It was also the one that would not be controlled.
His emotions overwhelmed his reason to well. The blush had been a result of that. Thinking of it almost caused his cheeks to warm again. It was not a reaction typical for him. The cause was easy to reason out. The concern from Yusuke, the joke that had sent a rush of stuttering need through him, the turmoil that had caused realizing he could not reason out what he was needing, and the last second realization that it was directed towards Yusuke.
So he had blushed and then in the midst of all that Yusuke had touched him, that soft graze of fingertips had abruptly become an attack. He had shied from the touch, not just shied but jerked away from it as if burned.
He could not help but think he, as Kurama, was the one being destroyed in this dismal place.
But there were other things to think of now. Yusuke was blaming himself for what was happening to him, taking on the guilt he had been trying to keep from him earlier.
"You are not responsible for anything Yusuke." he said when he finally found his voice.
Yusuke's eyes widened in what could only be described as surprise, "Wow you suck at lying."
Curiously enough he was insulted by the statement, "What makes you say that?"
"I've never caught you in a lie before," Yusuke remarked frowning, "you're so fucked up you can't even do that. What else are you hiding?"
"I'm not hiding anything."
"Liar."
"Yusuke you have no idea what you're talking about."
"I don't?" Brown eyes flashed to his again, this time with anger and guilt, "I'm messing you up. It's not just the embarrassing thing. It's me."
Flashes of emotion went through him. Guilt. Shame. Anger. Confusion. All of them within a heartbeat, finally settling into something that vaguely resembled resentment though it was much closer to disturbed frustration.
"You think you have that much sway over me?"
Yusuke's eyes narrowed, "Yeah I think I do. I think that Orochi guy knew how you would act around me. That you'd try to keep things from me. I think he knew you wouldn't be able to and that would fuck you up even more. I think you really do hate being out of control and that's exactly how you feel right now. I think you're going to take a swing at me soon because that's what I would do. I'd be taking swings at the nearest dumb ass that pointed this shit out to me."
His hand ached. He glanced down confused by the sensation. At some point he had fisted both of his hands again. He had not even realized he was doing so until Yusuke pointed it out. Unsettled he stood, facing away from Yusuke.
He heard Yusuke shift, the sound of his chains announcing that he had stood as well. It was ludicrous. To be this wildly out of control that his own body was reacting before he was conciously aware of it.
"So what's it going to be?"
He looked over his shoulder at Yusuke, cocking an eyebrow in question. Yusuke rolled his eyes.
"You going to take a swing at me or are you going to tell me the truth?"
He folded his arms, "I won't attack you because of my lack of control."
"That's reassuring," Yusuke snorted, "that leaves telling me what the hell is really going on."
He opened his mouth then gasped, a shudder of phantom pain slipping through him. He tensed anticipating the loss of orientation, then stilled as Yusuke's hand clamping onto his arm chased the vertigo from him.
He forced himself to remain still, to analyze why he wanted to immediately jerk away from the necessary contact.
Humans were such a physical race. Shiori had made him well aware of that fact. In comparison demons were stunted in this area, unable to express simple thoughts and feelings through touch or simply unwilling to do so. He was not so certain which of those were the truth. Being aware of his demonic nature had left him in limbo when it came to these things.
When he had first become aware of a propensity towards actual expression through touch he had been somewhat confused. In the demon world being guarded at all times in those areas was second nature, instinctual. He had not imagined merging with a human soul would influence him so strongly as to develop a want to allow those instincts to be subverted. Nor had he thought he would develop a preference for it.
It was one of the many things Hiei felt a need to not only point out when he displayed it but was inclined to see as a weakness. It was a constant source of contention. Hiei's thoughts on the matter were clear. The fire demon would be much happier if he were to be Youko Kurama, a demon at all times instead of the frail human/demon Kurama that would embrace such weak behavior.
He disagreed that it was in any way a weakness even if it had not been an aspect of his demonic life.
While he enjoyed the hugs and gestures given by Shiori he was much more conservative in his methods of giving into the displays. Being held by another person was not something he was use to.
Being touched in the desparate, necessary way Yusuke's touch expressed while it mirrored his own need to be touched was almost to overwhelming to submit to.
"Your pain Yusuke...is vital to Orochi's plans." he said softly, "without it none of this would matter. You having to watch me suffer. What I see you suffering because of me. What you are forcing yourself to do to keep me sane."
"Okay you lost me again. I'm being forced?"
Annoyed he sighed heavily, "Yes. You are not what I would call a touchy person."
There was absolute, heavy silence from the young man behind him. He refused to look again. He refused to see that he was correct, that Yusuke felt revulsion at the close contact. It would only serve to increase the entirety of what was being done to him and to Yusuke.
"You know for a smart guy you're pretty fucking stupid."
Another sigh, "Why is that?"
"Look at me Kurama."
He braced himself before doing so. There was more to it of course. There was always deeper levels to everything he thought. There were times he wished he was not so analytical. That he could simply skim the surface as everyone else seemed to be so adept at. Lose himself in that lack of information. Ignorance was bliss supposedly, a bliss he had never been able to reach.
Yusuke had his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. Surprisingly there was no revulsion on his face. He seemed almost saddened as their eyes met.
"If it was me..."
"That isn't..."
"Shut up and let me talk."
A request spoken in a tone he could not readily identify. Curious he waited for Yusuke to continue.
"If it was me. If Orochi was doing this to me and I needed you to hold me together like that you would do it right?"
"We aren't discussing what I would do." he replied frowning.
"Yeah we kinda are Kurama." he disagreed but his tone stayed in that same soft, unidentifiable area that was compelling, "You would do it and you wouldn't care if I was an asshole about it. You wouldn't let me get away with telling you to go to hell or beating on you to get away. You wouldn't let me do that because that's the type of guy you are. You put up with a lot of crap and you do the right thing because it needs to be done. Doesn't matter what the other person thinks."
He stared at Yusuke dumbfounded by the assessment.
"So I'm thinking you aren't so good at being on the receiving end of someone caring about you enough to put up with your dumb crap. You're messed up about it being me that you have to...need for this. Well guess what I'm a little messed up because I kinda...need to do it for you."
"Need?"
Yusuke made a sound of disgust, "I'm not the fucking word guy here okay? But yeah need is the only word I can think of. That's what having to...do something means right?"
He stayed silent for a long moment torn between saying nothing and meeting Yusuke's honesty with some of his own.
What good does it do me if tonight is the last I'll be sane enough to express it?
"He...Orochi is...taking my soul apart."
"Apart like Youko is going to show up?"
What was that in his voice? It was driving him to distraction trying to identify the emotion playing in that soft tone. It had never been so elusive to him before.
"No Youko cannot," he answered subdued by the admission, "not here. My best guess is that when he is finished only Suichi will remain...or what is left of Suichi."
"Are you going to try to do this whole thing again?" Yusuke asked gesturing at him.
A small, sad smile tugged at his lips, "No Yusuke I won't be able to. If Orochi is successful it will be a true death."
"And you?"
"Me?"
"What happens to you Kurama? The way I'm seeing it you aren't exactly either one. So when Youko goes...you said what is left of Suichi not what is left of you."
His entire being stilled. Of all the questions he could have asked it had to be the one he was not sure of himself. He identified mostly with Youko but there was no denying he was equally Suichi. If Orochi was successful there was no way of truly telling what would happen.
"I have no idea."
Another long moment of silence this time heavier than before.
"Then I guess you better get over yourself Kurama cause I'm the only way you can stay sane enough to last through it."
He shook his head, "I don't think you understand..."
"No you don't fucking understand!," Yusuke spoke over him anger coloring his voice now as he closed the distance between them, "I won't lose you because you have some weird idea that I give a shit that I have to hug you the entire time we're here! I can do that! You better be able to do that! I can't lose you! Not like this! I'll do whatever I have to for you to stick around because I fucking need you to be here!"
The vehemence of Yusuke's statement left him speechless.
Was it possible he had misunderstood? Was it truly all him with the issues?
"I need you to be here." Yusuke repeated reaching out a hand to clasp his arm again.
For a long moment he had to wonder what shocked him more. That Yusuke could be so clear with his emotions. Or that he seemed to find him and not Youko valuable enough to fight for. It was a humbling realization, knowing even in this frailer human form he held value to someone who knew all aspects of him.
"I'm afraid I have more talent for being needed then for needing." he offered quietly, "I'm...sorry if I don't seem to appreciate your side of things."
"Like I said you're fucked up, I don't expect insane people to make sense. That's like telling Hiei a joke and expecting a laugh."
He shook his head but he could not stop the smile that came to his lips.
"Now come on fox boy its cuddle time!"
"Yusuke I'd appreciate a little less joking about this."
"You do know who I am right?"
"Unfortunately..."
