Long Road Home
I don't own InuYasha.
One harmless night of drinking leads to one huge mistake. In a small town where everyone knows everyone and the politics governing teenagers are delicate there are no secrets. The only option is to run. Rated for language, alcohol, implied sex and pregnancy.
Chapter Eight Dreams Nightmares and Reality
One week. That's how long it had been since Kagome had last spoken with InuYasha. One week since he had saved her from the alleyway. One week since Kaede had told her a story about a terrified young boy she found hiding in her barn.
That story had really stuck with Kagome. It made her realize InuYasha was a far more complicated person then the immature boy she had known in town.
Kagome sat in her room starring out her window at the barn. It should have still been a little before sunset but the sky was already a dark, ominous grey. It had been raining for a couple of days now and Kagome was starting feel a little cooped up in the old house. She wanted to talk to InuYasha but he had been avoiding her. She hadn't been able to get within ear shot of him without him taking off somewhere. Apparently the little boy was still hiding in the barn!
Kagome had wanted to talk to him that night after talking with Kaede but she had been so tired she had fallen asleep. Kagome's last thoughts before nodding off were of the terrifying events of the day. She had been afraid to close her eyes for fear of reliving the ordeal in the alleyway in her nightmares. Instead her dreams had brought her a scene of something quite different.
Her dream had been fuzzy and dark. It was difficult to see exactly where she was or what was going on. It was more what she felt then what she had seen that had her starring out her window right now. She vividly remembered the feeling of strong hands running over the bare skin of her arms and back. She couldn't see who they belonged to but unlike the man who had attacked her outside the bus station, the hands were gentle. Kagome was embarrassed to admit it but it had felt good and made her want the feeling of that contact again. There was something about those hands that just made her feel safe. She wondered if what she had felt was just a fantasy or if maybe she was finally remembering that night.
Two nights later Kagome had the same dream again, and then again the night after that. This time she also felt the sensations from her own hands. She still couldn't see who it was through the fog and the darkness but she felt them under her fingers. She felt their body, the rolling muscles of their arms and back. They felt warm and firm as she pressed her hands against them. She never once felt like pushing them away, in fact she remembered pulling them closer.
The strangest dream had come last night. This time it wasn't just his hands on her body. She felt all of him pressing against her, their weight pinning her against something soft like a bed. She felt his legs shift against hers, his stomach moving against hers and there was something strange she couldn't explain. Every time he moved against her an intense feeling rippled through her entire body.
Kagome had awoken abruptly from the dream early that morning. Her body was left feeling warm and awkward. The idea of sex had always made her very uncomfortable and she had never even imagined what it felt like but what else could these dreams be?
As she starred out the rain drench window, Kagome ran her hand over her belly as she felt the baby give a hard kick. The baby had been really active these last few days, probably feeding off her own feelings of anxiety. These dreams were driving her crazy. They were also making confronting InuYasha even more difficult. Even if she could pin InuYasha down long enough to have a conversation she couldn't help but start wonder about his hands. If his hands really were the ones from her dreams.
Kagome glanced out her window again. A flash of movement through the rain caught Kagome's eye. Squinting through the darkness and the rain Kagome realized it was InuYasha. He was walking back and forth across the grass outside the barn. She could make out exactly what he was doing. She watched him a few more minutes before he turned and disappeared into the barn again.
Something had to happen tonight. She had to talk to him and clear the before the tension between then drove her crazy.
Kagome decided to wait until Kaede had gone to sleep before she snuck out of the house. The rain was coming down even harder now and the wind whipped the frigid water up into Kagome's face. She pulled her thin jacket tighter around her shoulders and made her way quickly across the grass. Pushing the large doors open she squeezed inside the warm shelter of the barn. Kagome shook off the rain from her shoulders and made her way down to the far end of the barn. As usual there was a dim light shining above in the loft where InuYasha was sleeping. Kagome stared up at the light. She thought about calling up to him but decided against it. Instead she made her way to the ladder and climbed up. With her swollen belly in front of her it was a bit of a challenge to scale the narrow ladder, but she finally managed to squirm up through the opening in the floor of the loft. Quietly she moved so she could see InuYasha sleeping on his make shift bed at the edge of the loft and crawled towards him.
As Kagome got close InuYasha shifted in his sleep. Kagome froze afraid he would wake up. InuYasha turned his head towards Kagome and she could see he was still asleep but he had a strange expression on his face. His brow was creased and he looked upset. Kagome then noticed his arms were tense and his hands were gripping his blanket so tight his knuckled were turning white. He tossed his head again and grunted something Kagome couldn't understand. Kagome realized he was dreaming and from the looks of it, it wasn't a particularly enjoyable dream.
"InuYasha?" Kagome said quietly trying not to startle him. He didn't wake up, but he did become more restless at the sound of his name.
"InuYasha ... wake up." Kagome said again a little louder.
"Kagome ... I'm ... I'm sorry." InuYasha mumbled. Kagome hesitated a moment. He was dreaming about her? She couldn't help wonder what it was he was seeing in his dream that could be making him so upset.
"InuYasha why are you sorry?" She asked. InuYasha turned restlessly in his sleep again mumbling things Kagome could barely understand.
"I ... I didn't stopmmrrr I hurt you. I ... I didn't mmmhhh"
"InuYasha?" Kagome said again as she reached out and put a hand on InuYasha's arm. InuYasha's reaction was instant. He inhaled sharply and sat straight up. He sat up so fast he nearly head butted Kagome, stopping just centimetres from her. Kagome jumped to not expecting such a violent reaction. They sat starring at each other for a minute. InuYasha's eyes were wide and he was panting as if he had just had the daylights scared out of him. Clearly having Kagome sitting over him was not what he had expected to wake up to. Gently Kagome moved her free hand to rest on his which was wrapped tightly around her arm. When he had awoken his hand had instantly latched on to her.
"InuYasha .. it's ok ..." She said calmly. InuYasha looked down and realized he was holding her and jerked his hand away so fast it was almost as if he had been burned.
"InuYasha are you ok?" Kagome asked.
"Aaaa ... Kagome? What the hell are you doing here?" InuYasha asked as he attempted to casually back away from her a little ways.
"I really wanted to talk to you ... I thought if I cornered you up here you wouldn't have a chance to run away." She stated very matter of factly.
"Run away? Why would I run away?" He asked averting his eyes from Kagome's so he could pretend to be readjusting his blanket.
"Come on InuYasha! You've been avoiding me for the last week!" Kagome answered giving him an annoyed look.
"Look InuYasha," Kagome started before InuYasha could object.
"I really wanted to talk to you ... do you think for once maybe we can just talk ... without the awkwardness ... without the anxiety ... just you and me ... like friends."
InuYasha looked at her intently for a moment. He opened his mouth a couple of times as if he couldn't decide how exactly to respond before he finally just nodded his head in response.
Despite what Kagome said an awkward silence did settle between them, neither of them knowing where to start as usual.
"So much for not being awkward ..." InuYasha finally said breaking the silence and making Kagome smile.
"InuYasha ... " Kagome finally started as she shifted into a more comfortable sitting position.
"I wanted to apologize to you ..."
"For what?" InuYasha asked.
"For everything ... things probably would have been a lot simpler if I had just told you about the baby instead of running away in the first place like such a coward."
"Kagome .." InuYasha tried to interrupt.
"Please just let me get this out!" Kagome said stopping him.
"I'm also sorry for running away last week. You just really took me by surprise when you asked to keep the baby and then I saw your face light up when you felt her kick ... I just didn't know how to handle it ... and I never once stopped to think about this from your point of view."
InuYasha's expression shifted suddenly to one of confusion.
"What do you mean by that?" InuYasha asked.
" ... from the point of view of someone ... who's seen the bad side of a foster home ..." Kagome answered quietly not sure how he was going to react. Sure enough InuYasha's mouth curled up into an angry grin.
"I can't believe she told you!" He snapped. Kagome could tell he was trying to suppress the anger in his voice but she could still tell.
"InuYasha ..." Kagome started.
"SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL YOU!" InuYasha yelled angrily.
"Would you have ever told me?" Kagome asked. InuYasha looked at her,
"No ... probably not." He answered.
"Isn't it better if we both know where the other is coming from?" Kagome asked.
"... you don't want to know where I come from." InuYasha answered reluctantly.
"What else did Kaede tell you?" He asked.
"Just that you ran away from your foster home ... that you weren't treated well there ... then you came to live here before moving into town. According to her she doesn't know much more then that! Somehow I always thought of Kaede as knowing everything ... I never imagined that you were such a mystery even to her!"
"Ya well ... there are some things better left buried." InuYasha said. Kagome could still detect the slightest bit of bitterness in his voice.
"Please don't be angry at Kaede ... she was just trying to help." Kagome said.
"I know ..." InuYasha said.
"She's been looking out for me for a long time ... guess that'll never change!" InuYasha added.
"InuYasha ..." Kagome started again.
"I wanted to thank you to ... for coming after me when I left." Kagome said.
"You really don't need to thank me." InuYasha answered.
"InuYasha you saved my life. That guy probably would of ..." Kagome said.
"Kagome please ... I'd rather not talk about it." InuYasha said cutting her off.
"InuYasha ... why don't you want to talk about it?" Kagome asked curiously. She couldn't understand why he was being so modest.
"Kagome it's just not ..." InuYasha stopped. He closed his eyes and wiped a hand across his forehead as if trying to wipe some memory away.
"Can I ask you one more question InuYasha ..." Kagome asked.
"What?" InuYasha answered.
"Do you promise to tell me the truth no matter what ...?" Kagome continued.
"I ... I'll try." InuYasha answered. Kagome figured that was the best response she would ever get from him,
"When I got here you were dreaming ... you said "I'm sorry Kagome ... I hurt you ..." ... what were you dreaming about?" Kagome asked. InuYasha became very pale as he listened. He didn't answer right away. Instead he got to his feet and headed towards the ladder before turning back to Kagome,
"Maybe I should take you back to the house." InuYasha said. Kagome shook her head,
"I don't want to leave ... I want to know what's bothering you." She answered.
"There's nothing bothering me!" InuYasha snapped. Kagome got to her feet and walked over to InuYasha. She reached out her hand towards him as a friendly gesture but InuYasha backed away from her, moving back over to his bed again.
"If there is nothing bothering you then why won't you let me near you?" Kagome snapped as she walked towards him again.
"Kagome ...!" InuYasha started putting his hands up in front of him,
"InuYasha please tell me ... You weren't like this before and then suddenly in the last week you've started treating me like I've got the plague! I want to know what you saw in your dream ..." Kagome tried to sound stern as she spoke hoping InuYasha would take her seriously. InuYasha didn't say anything. He stood with his hand on his hips, his head down avoiding eye contact.
"I've been having weird dreams for the past week ..." Kagome said. She wasn't sure she should tell him about her dreams but she felt it might be the only way to get InuYasha to open up.
"Dreams that I think are about you, and the night at your house ... they're confusing to me though ... and I want to talk to someone about it.." Kagome spoke slow, mustering every ounce of courage she had to get the words out.
"InuYasha you're the only person I can talk to about this ... but I want you to be honest with me to." She finished. InuYasha stared at her for a long moment. Kagome could see that something she had said shifted something inside him. Kagome took a few steps towards him and sat down again next to his bed. There was a long pause while InuYasha collected his thoughts,
"Kagome there are just some things about me you are better off not knowing." He said quietly.
"InuYasha ... you can't keep everything buried forever ... I'm not going anywhere and I promise nothing you tell me will make me think differently of you." Kagome said.
"Careful what you say ..." InuYasha answered. He watched Kagome sitting on the floor. She was serious though, he could see it in her eyes. She really wasn't going to give up.
"Where I come from is complicated ... My mom never talked about my dad. All I know is that he was some high class busyness suit ... the kind of guy who's used to getting what he wants, the way he wants it, when he wants it." InuYasha finally started. As he began to speak he started slowly pacing back and forth.
"Even though I was young I sort of always knew that what happened between them was less then consensual."
When I was six years old, my mom got sick. She deteriorated so fast she was gone in a month. It took me a few years to understand she was probably sick long before she ever told me but she was so busy taking care of me on her own and working two jobs she didn't have time to be sick. I actually used to hide in the hospital so I could stay with her at night ... lied to the nurses about my dad so they wouldn't think I was on my own ... they caught me eventually. Family services threw me in a foster home and I couldn't get back to see my mom. She died alone about a week later."
"InuYasha ... I'm so sorry ..." Kagome said trying to keep her voice steady.
"I was seven the first time I ran away from the foster home. I didn't go very far, I hid in the backyard. When my foster dad found me he beat me so hard I couldn't move. I was one of four kids at the house. He used to beat us all the time but he was careful so no one would find out. My foster mom would try and protect us but then he would beat her to ... or worse!
There was one girl, Angie, who lived in the house and she and I were the closest in age so we became friends. We helped each other and tried to help the younger kids when we could. One day when I was nine ... she was ten, Angie stayed home sick from school. When I got home I went up stairs to her room to see her and found him in her bed."
"oh my god ..." Kagome said aloud. She hadn't expected this.
"I just stood there ... I didn't do a thing to stop him." InuYasha said.
"What could you have done? You were just a little kid!" Kagome said. InuYasha didn't respond to Kagome but kept on talking. His eyes seemed to be unfocused as he continued to pace across the floor. These memories had been buried for years and he was now coming face to face with them again.
"Angie never talked about what happened, she just went on as usual. I knew he wouldn't stop hurting her so I tried to convince her to run away. She wouldn't leave though. One night after everyone was asleep I heard him go into Angie's bedroom. He took her down to the basement so no one would hear. I couldn't take it anymore and I ran."
"Was that when you came here?" Kagome asked. InuYasha nodded.
"But I ended up right back there. This time he didn't just beat me ... for running away he made me watch him hurt Angie. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't. Finally one night he got really drunk and he wanted to change things up a bit. He tried to get me to hurt Angie so he could watch. I refused so he broke my arm. I still refused so he beat me till I passed out. When I came to Angie was standing over me. She was shaking me trying to wake me up. She told me to run again and this time she came with me. We hid in the woods but Angie knew we couldn't stay there so she left to get help. I waited for two days but she didn't come back. So I left to and somehow wondered back to this place again. I never saw or heard from her again."
Kagome sat quietly on the floor. Her chest felt like it was in a vice as she tried not to cry. She had never imagined that what InuYasha had gone through could be so horrible.
"You said you've had dreams ... about that night?" InuYasha asked without looking at Kagome. Kagome simply nodded her head in response.
"I've been having nightmares for weeks ... I had a few before I found out about the baby ... after I found out I started having them every night. They're always the same ... I'm ... standing over you .. your pinned under me against the bed. You look terrified ... just like Angie did ... but I ... I don't stop ... No matter how much you cry ... I keep going ... and when it's all over I wake up feeling sick to my stomach. After I pulled that guy off you ... I started seeing myself as him ... what I did was no different then what he tried to do to you ... or what happened to Angie. Just the thought of what I did to you, that I hurt you ... makes me feel sick."
"InuYasha ..." Kagome's voice showed her feelings. She had no idea that's how he felt and saw that night in his mind. He thought he had raped her! Kagome got to her feet and moved towards InuYasha. He turned away from her again.
"What I did ... it's just like that bastard in the alleyway ... like the bastard at the foster home ... just like my father did to my mom!" InuYasha's voice shook with anger for both the people he was ranting about and at himself for not being better.
"Kagome I'm ... I'm so sorry ... I don't know how you can ever forgive me ..."
"InuYasha ..." Kagome said as she reached out her hand and placed it on InuYasha's arm. Slowly she coaxed InuYasha to turn and look at her. InuYasha could see Kagome's eyes sparkling in the dim light as she held back tears but he was surprised to see a gentle smile on her face.
"Why are you smiling?" InuYasha said as he watched her curiously.
"You're a better person then you give yourself credit for." Kagome said.
"When you're with Kikyou and Miroku and everyone else ... you're different. You act so egotistical and indifferent to everything and everyone! But when I'm alone with you or when you think no one is watching you're so much more. You worry about everyone else, you care about how you make people feel ... and honestly the part of you that surprised me the most was how gentle you can be."
InuYasha blushed slightly which made Kagome's smile brighten even more.
"Do you want to know what I see in my dreams?" Kagome asked. InuYasha stared at her somewhat apprehensively. He really wasn't sure if he wanted to hear this. This had not been the reaction he had expected from Kagome when he told her how he felt and how he remembered that night.
"From the sounds of things my dreams aren't as detailed as yours are but then again I don't have any other experiences to go on to help fill in the blanks." Kagome began.
"But what I do remember is the feeling of strong hands. But they aren't rough at all! In fact they're unbelievably gentle." As Kagome spoke she reached out her hands and took InuYasha's. She moved forwards towards him and placed his hands on her belly.
"It feels a lot like this ... when you touch my belly to feel her kick and you're face lights up ..." Even as Kagome said the words the smile appeared on InuYasha's face.
"I know for a fact you didn't hurt me that night InuYasha ... you didn't force anything on me. We were both very drunk and neither of us had the good sense to realize what was happening and stop." Kagome said.
"How can you be so sure?" InuYasha asked.
"There wasn't a mark on me afterwards. Not a bruise or a scratch or any sign at all you ever laid a hand on me. If you had forced me there would have been signs."
InuYasha wasn't totally convinced but he did feel better getting everything off his chest. Kagome seemed to have a special talent for making his worries disappear even if only for a little while.
"You know I never told anyone what I just told you." InuYasha said. Kagome smiled at him,
"Well considering the reason we're here, telling our deep dark secrets seems kind of suiting." She said.
"I don't blame you for anything InuYasha ... you do understand that right? Even as angry as I was when you showed up here again after I asked you to leave ... I really am glad you're here." Kagome continued. InuYasha didn't say anything but the look in his eyes told Kagome her words touched him.
"Ah ... She's really busy tonight!" Kagome said as she flinched at a particularly hard kick.
"You keep saying her ... or she?" InuYasha pointed out.
"I don't really know if it's a boy or a girl ... but I figured picking one is better than just saying 'it' all the time." Kagome answered. The look on InuYasha's made Kagome wish he could see himself right now.
"See InuYasha ..." Kagome said. InuYasha looked up at her questioningly.
"Those men that you think you're so similar to ... They wouldn't care if it was a girl or a boy ... they wouldn't care at all! ... they would have walked away, and never looked back."
InuYasha didn't say anything again. He just watched Kagome. The way she spoke, the way she looked at him, she really was an amazing girl. She was so trusting and forgiving. She seemed capable of taking anything in stride. He thought back to inside the truck when they were leaving the cemetery the week before, when he was thinking about how much Kagome didn't trust him. Now he realized she did trust him, she had just been scared. And now, on some small level, he had already started trusting her without even realizing it.
As InuYasha watched Kagome through the dim light he noticed she was becoming fidgety again. She was biting her lip as if she wanted to say something but was too embarrassed.
"What else is bothering you Kagome?" asked InuYasha. Kagome blushed a deep red and turned her gaze downwards.
"Kagome what is it?" InuYasha persisted.
"Well ... this is really embarrassing ... I don't know what you'll think of me for saying this but ... there's another part of my dream that sort of confuses me ..." Kagome said. InuYasha's smile faltered slightly.
"I thought ... you know ... sex ... would feel good ... I mean it did feel good in my dreams but it felt strange to and I wake up feeling ... I dunno frustrated! ... Is that right?" Kagome asked. It was InuYasha's turn to blush crimson.
"Well um ... well I think it's a different experience for everyone ... I'm sure when you're ready you'll find out ... and it'll be just as you imagine it!" InuYasha said feeling very awkward. He felt like his response was kind of lame and sounded like something out of 'how to book' for dummies.
"What if I don't want to wait ... ?" Kagome asked. She was getting brave now and wasn't even trying to hide her intent.
"Wo wait ... Hold on Kagome! You're not suggesting what I think you are suggesting!" InuYasha exclaimed pulling his hands away from her.
"Why not?" Kagome asked,
"It's not like we haven't before? And you can't get me pregnant twice!" Kagome continued.
"But ... you don't feel a little strange ... you know with the baby?" InuYasha asked.
"You won't hurt the baby ... and I'm not looking for some commitment from you ... I just wanna know what it feels like." Kagome assured him.
"Kagome ... don't get me wrong ... I'm flattered Really! But we can't ..." InuYasha said sounding somewhat embarrassed.
"Why not? ... I've heard you and Kikyou messing around like rabbits seemingly on a whim! Or am I not attractive enough right now being pregnant and all." Kagome asked sounding disappointed.
"Kagome I think you're beautiful!"
InuYasha's words surprised himself almost as much as they surprised Kagome. He quickly continued again,
"But I just can't ... I haven't even been with Kikyou since I found out about the baby. Just the thought of it and I see myself as the monster from my nightmares and I can't ... and trust me Kikyou tried plenty of times no matter how hard I tried to avoid her!" InuYasha confessed sounding extremely embarrassed.
Kagome watched InuYasha's face as the walls she had finally started to penetrate started to solidify again.
"It's ok InuYasha. I don't want you to feel that way! ... I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe this crappy weather just has me feeling down and lonely ..." Kagome said wrapping her arms around herself. She kept her cheerful reassuring smile but inside she felt embarrassed and disappointed. She bowed her head so there was no chance InuYasha would see through her. She quickly moved away from him towards the trapdoor in the floor.
"You must think I'm pretty pathetic for asking that from you ..." Kagome said as she put her hand on the top of the ladder. A second later she felt InuYasha move next to her. His hand came to rest on her wrist.
"Come here ..." He said as he pulled Kagome around to face him. Then he did the last thing Kagome expected him to do, he put his arms around her.
"You are not alone Kagome." He said as he held her. Kagome was surprised and just stood there for a moment. InuYasha felt warm and strong against her and she felt a wonderful sense of safety wash over her. She really didn't want to leave that feeling behind so when InuYasha finally pulled away but kept a hold of her wrist, she didn't resist following him back over to the edge of the loft. He sat down with his back against a hay bale and invited Kagome to sit with him. Kagome smiled feeling a little silly as she bent over and sat down in front of him. InuYasha pulled her back towards him so her back was resting against his chest and his hands wrapped around her, resting on her belly.
"Does this make you feel uncomfortable?" InuYasha asked.
"No ..." Kagome said.
"It feels good ..." She added as she took a deep breath and felt herself relax.
"Are you ok?" Kagome asked.
"I think I can live with this." InuYasha responded after a moment. Kagome let out a soft laugh. She didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling. She could hear that slight smugness in InuYasha's voice he got when he was trying to act tough and somehow it just fit.
Silence fell over them as they sat together. It was completely different then their usual awkward staring contests though, this time it was a relaxed peaceful silence. Kagome could tell InuYasha was starting to relax to. His breathing was calm and soothing next to her ear and his fingers began absentmindedly tracing small circles on her belly.
"InuYasha ...?" Kagome asked.
"Ya?"
Kagome hesitated for a second. She didn't want to ruin the moment but she needed to ask him a very important question,
"You know that wanting to raise this baby by yourself is crazy right?" She asked. She felt InuYasha's hands falter.
"I understand how you feel about giving the baby up and I understand why you feel that way but ... what happened to you, doesn't mean ..." Kagome stopped to think of how best to say what she felt. InuYasha however already knew what she was thinking,
"I know Kagome ... I know it's the best solution for everyone."
Kagome was surprised but glad to hear him say he understood, but she felt his hands tighten against her just ever so slightly which told her he still didn't want to let go.
OK there's another one done!
Hope you enjoyed and don't forget to review!
