86. Sophie, Quack is not an accessory and is most definitely NOT to be put in your purse to be carried around like one of those designer dogs. Parker was devastated when she thought Quack had been stolen and she is now quite angry with you. You may want to hide.
Sophie had taken to carrying Quack around in her purse like a fashion accessory. Not only did it draw unnecessary attention to her when they were meant to be keeping a low profile whilst not on a job, but also, Parker had discovered that her duck pet was missing and had been inconsolable for an hour before Hardison brought up the security footage to show Sophie had Quack with her. Parker had switched from sadness to anger in seconds and was now plotting her revenge. Quack didn't look best pleased about the turn of events either and Nate wasn't sure if Sophie should be more scared of what Parker was planning or what the duck would come up with. That thing was an evil mastermind, Nate was sure of it.
87. I am NOT A DOG! My name is Eliot, NOT "SPARKY"! I am a man, I am a human being and I am most definitely NOT A PET. Stop leaving the doggie biscuits on my bed and replacing my beer with water because, and I quote, "alcohol is bad for dogs". I do not need flea powder in my bathroom and STOP TRYING TO PUT WORMING TABLETS IN MY FOOD!
Addition to Rule 87. And that it NOT a bad-a** leather choker with spikes and it is NOT cool. That is a dog collar. I'm not kidding! This is not funny!
Parker was obviously more observant than people thought and had a very good sense of humour, or at least that was Nate, Sophie and Hardison's thoughts when they saw the irate Eliot in his collar. The snickers started and slowly they developed into full out laughter. Eliot's growling just intensified it further. Parker had slipped into Eliot's room while he had been asleep and changed everything into the doggy equivalent. There were the doggy treats he had found but he had yet to go into the shower where she had replaced his shampoo with doggy shampoo. The squeaky toys scattered around his room had also yet to be discovered. His flea powder had been found and disposed of angrily.
The loss of his beer had not been taken well by the hitter and he had proceeded to throw the water at the thief, who avoided it very well only for it to strike Hardison slap bang in the face, and stormed off to 'punch something ... or someone'. Thankfully Parker took the hint this time and didn't follow him so they didn't have to worry about it being her that got hit. Hardison, however, was still fuming about the water and the lack of sympathy from the others and disappeared to sulk and play video games.
The most amusing thing had been the dog collar. How Parker had managed to get it on Eliot without him waking was anyone's guess but she had managed it and now they had a fuming hitter on their hands, apparently Parker had had the foresight to add a little padlock to the collar to stop the hitter from just taking it off. She had put the key somewhere safe ... now if she could just remember where she put it ...
Eliot was in a foul mood the whole day especially as Hardison thought it would be funny to retire the apartment to bark every time Eliot spoke. The angry hitter reverted to sullen silence, growling quietly from the corner, too embarrassed to go out with that goddamn thing around his neck.
Later in the evening, everyone heard when the squeaky toys were found. The cursing and shouting was all they needed to hear before Parker smartly retreated to the relative safety of the air vents. Somehow she had managed to grab her box of lucky charms before she disappeared in there and the munching resonated through the apartment.
A shout caught all of their attentions later on and a short period of rattling later, a small silver key dropped on the floor in front of Eliot's feet. It was slightly sticky from the sugary cereal but it was the key none the less and Eliot almost thanked the thief before remembering that she had caused his predicament, growled and marched off.
Parker just hoped he wouldn't find her other surprises and wake everyone up. All the same, she may just have to sleep in the vents tonight. Better to be safe than sorry. It had all been amusing enough to give up her hidden sense of humour and her better knowledge of what was going on around her.
Sadly yet luckily for Parker, Eliot didn't find her other surprises although they would be sure to hear about it when he did. Hardison, however, had forgotten to change the programming back and Eliot was taken by surprise when he rolled over in his sleep and was barked at by his alarm clock. Hardison awoke to see a very angry and tired hitter standing over him in the dark, glaring and growling. He was not happy that, once again, his ninety minutes sleep had been disturbed. No one had ever seen the hacker move so fast before as he shot out of bed as if he was rocket propelled, although, knowing Hardison, that was very possible. Nate and Sophie were angry at being woken but were soon laughing as the petrified hacker was chased around the apartment by Eliot in his Iron Man boxers.
88. We never speak of the boxers again.
Hardison had received a rather large amount of mocking from all of the team for his boxers and he was rather embarrassed. the Iron Man spam had been cool at first but now it was just annoying and distracting. It was clogging up his devices, man! The boxers had meant to be a secret but that damn hitter and his grudges that had to be dealt with at 3am when he had been sleeping peacefully, dreaming lovely dreams about technology and ruling the world, age of the geek baby, when he had been awoken and his secret exposed to the light of day... or the light bulb considering the UNGODLY HOUR. YOU WOKE ME AT 3AM!
89. Parker has contacts. And friends. It's terrifying.
The team had been completely shocked when the thief had pulled out an old flip phone during a briefing and started to call someone. Hardison was horrified at the age of the thing and was trying to chastise Parker for not using the new smartphone that he had provided her with. Parker just ignored him completely, only briefly stopping and covering the mic of the phone to tell him that it was her burner phone and that she didn't like that new thing because Hardison was tracking her with it. He at least had the good graces to look ashamed and leave her alone but the other three were left gaping and wondering what she didn't want Hardison to find out about.
Parker then proceeded to have a brief conversation in her bright and bubbly tone with someone she called Neal. They seemed to be catching up for a bit before Parker asked a few questions that were related to their case and then hung up, not before stating that she would call later so they could catch up. At the questioning looks she said, "What? He's an expert."
There were a few questions as to what he was an expert of but Parker didn't seem willing to share any more information and so they left her well alone. As it turned out, her contact/friend's insight had been spot on and very helpful with their job. It also took them to New York.
The job went without a hitch but Parker kept disappearing and coming back looking very happy. She also seemed to be winking at someone occasionally as they passed people but, whenever the team looked, all they saw was a flash of a hat and a smart suit. Eliot would swear they weren't being followed as well.
90. I can speak and understand many different languages and dialects just as you can. I, however, do NOT speak 'growling'! If you want to say something, use your words! You are not a three year old so act your age, not your shoe size. Think about it ... Maybe if you growled less the rule 87 wouldn't have been an issue now would it? Even Parker and Hardison are more articulate than you.
The thief and hacker were not impressed by that last statement in the slightest. Nate, however, was too worked up too acre. He was fed up with their resident hitter's growling whenever he felt like it. If he didn't want to be treated like a pet then he should damn well learn not to act like one. Even pre-schoolers could use their words so what made it so hard for Eliot. What made things worse is the hitter expected them to understand what he was saying, or growling, and got even angrier when they didn't. He was not a mind reader and he sure as hell did not speak growling so Eliot was just going to have to grow up and start acting like an was rather worried that Nate was going to blow a fuse with how worked up he was getting with his rant. His face had also gone an interesting shade of red and Parker and Hardison were now sat in the corner out of the way, snickering quietly about it. Sophie did have to admit that his rant was rather a good one. Shame Eliot was out at the moment and wasn't here to hear it!
See who can guess who Parker's contact is. The first person to guess correctly will be mentioned in the next chapter along with the answer. Thanks once again to athea781 for the inspiration behind rules 87 and 90. Sorry for mistakes, it's unbeta'd again. Hope you like it.
