Maya sighed deeply as she pulled a pillow to her chest to hug. She was on the floor in her bedroom, lights off, allowing the numerous illuminated business signs around her apartment building to cast their glow throughout her room. Her mother still occasionally offered to get her curtains thick enough to prevent the light from penetrating when closed, but, after so many years of having it, Maya doubted that she could manage without them. They were her version of Riley's nightlight, and watching the shadows play on her walls was oddly soothing. She had spent many an hour lying on her bed or floor just looking at the shapes of the shadows, creating fantasies surrounding them to amuse herself until the morning dawned.
That was impossible to do right now.
She couldn't believe the mess her afternoon had become. She had cried in the arms of a stranger, something that caused her cheeks to burn even now, hours after the fact. A part of her had expected it to be Farkle who had been holding her, hell, even Zay. Instead, it was Shane, a guy she scarcely knew who now had the dubious honour of having seen her sob brokenheartedly. Although he had been kind to her in the aftermath, Maya still wondered if he would use it against her. She didn't know enough of about him to know if his concern had been genuine, that he had been sincere when he had dug into his pocket for something he could use to wipe at the tears on her face. She had just stared at him dumbfounded, uncertain how to interpret his presence and his actions. He had even gone to fetch her a bottle of water while she had dusted off her clothing and reclaimed her bag, and, had walked with her to the choir room.
It hadn't really registered to her until they had gotten there that she had not told him that she was supposed to have been in there. He had offered her a rueful smile at that point, before admitting that he was Dylan's – the senior captain of the team – younger brother, making him the lone freshman Emily had been referring to. His brother had tried to drill him for information the night before, but there had been little Shane could have told him since he didn't really know her, something, he had promised her, he planned to rectify. Even now she didn't really put much stock inhis words. She had greater issues to deal with than a potentially reputation ruining guy with hazel eyes who may or may not have been flirting with her.
She grimaced as she wondered just how many people had passed by during her confrontation with them, and afterwards when she had been there in the corridor crying. What if word got back to them? She would never ever live it down, nor would she ever be able to look the Texan native in the eye again. She couldn't let him know how much he affected her, not anymore. And what of the rest of their friend group? She had not even factored them into the equation when she had decided to separate from Riley and Lucas. She couldn't deny that things had been awkward in the classes she had shared with them. There was a giant elephant in the room that they were all skirting around, and she knew that that had to end one way or the other soon.
That left her with a next, unforeseen issue, one that had her sighing once again before tightening her grip on her pillow even further. If she didn't do something, they would feel compelled to choose, to take a side. It would be inevitable, even if they fought against it at first. And that couldn't happen; she couldn't let them suffer because of her. She knew that if it came down to it, Zay would choose Lucas, his childhood friend, in a heartbeat, and she couldn't fault him for that. If she were in his position, it would not even have been a question to consider. Farkle though… She groaned. Farkle would be devastated; she could already see him freaking out after realising that this time, he had no choice but to choose. That wasn't fair to her little nerd, the one who had always loved her and Riley equally even though they still occasionally took him for granted. Inevitably, she would have to find a way to steer him into choosing Riley, and once he did, Smackle would go with him.
She would have to be alone; it was the only way to save their group in its entirety. Either they all stayed with Riley or they would all be torn apart, much like those first few days of high school. Except, this time, there would be no Riley and Maya to put things back as they should be. And, if the choice came down to her having to stay by herself or her having to watch their core group fragment because of her, she would remain solo in a heartbeat.
Her phone had been painfully silent over the past few hours. She knew why. They were at Topanga's, trying their best to comfort Riley while planning a way forward. Not that they would find any. She never backed down from her decisions, and her heart was set on this. They should have listened to her. She had told them that nothing good came out of change, but still they had tried to convince her otherwise. They had made those promises to be together forever in Riley's bay window, and she, stupidly, had allowed herself to believe, to be comforted into accepting their word as the truth and to hope that nothing would change. She released a dismal chuckle at that. Everything was crashing and burning around her, and now rather than being able to just accept it and move forward with her usual indifference, she was suffering, suffering because she had dared to put her hope in other people. When would she learn? The only one she could trust to have her back was herself. Riley had offered her a safe respite for all the years they had been friends, but Maya would be a liar if she denied the fact that a part of her had always just sat there waiting for it to all go south.
And now, unfortunately, it had.
She wasn't quite sure how long she spent there, just staring forward blankly as she allowed the weight of her last thought to settle in. It might have been minutes, or perhaps even an hour. However, she was jarred forcibly out of her contemplative mood when her phone started ringing loudly, the defiant voice of Avril Lavigne interrupting the quiet of her room. Her fingers shook as she grabbed the phone, her eyes widening as she saw the name. She had forgotten that he was supposed to call her, but that didn't matter now. Hopefully Josh could help her ease what she was feeling, much like he had the last time they had talked.
"Josh," she said, his name erupting from her like a sort of prayer. "Hi."
"Are you okay?" he asked, ignoring her greeting completely.
She could hear the worry in his voice, and she doubted very well that she could have conveyed her mood to him with the simple two words she had uttered. That meant that somehow, no matter how impossible it was to contemplate, Josh knew about what had happened. "Riley told you," she guessed, her voice slightly hollow. "What did she say?"
"She caught me a few minutes before my lecture," he answered, although his voice had an edge of impatience to it. "Now tell me, how are you doing Maya?"
It was a simple question, one that she had been asked countless times before, and one that she always answered the same. She was okay. She was always okay, because to be otherwise would invite for the questioner to delve beneath the surface of her being, and that was something she could tolerate only a few people doing it. But, Josh was now one of those persons.
"It hurts so much Josh," she admitted, her voice shaking. "I didn't think letting them go would be so hard."
Josh let out a deep haggard breath. "Why are you doing this Maya?" he asked. "You do realise you're causing yourself even more pain?"
She laughed at that, a desperate sound. "When am I not ever in some sort of pain?" she half-whispered, although with the quietness around her, it easily carried across the line to him. "This is a different sort, a harder one to deal with, but this is right. I have to do this."
"How could this possibly be right?" he half-demanded. "Maya, you got into a fight with them, a huge one if I'm to take Riley's word on it. And I know you enough to know that you just didn't stalk off on them, not after what you went through last week. Which is why I don't understand why you're doing this Maya. You told me you needed space from them until you could handle things. Yet now you're trying to distance yourself from them permanently?"
"It's better this way," she protested, her voice slightly defensive. She felt horrible enough already. She didn't need Josh criticising her decisions and interjecting insecurities into her mind. She needed to be firm in this. "I know Riley's your niece and I'm sorry I hurt her, but she'll get over this."
"This isn't about Riley being my niece," he corrected, "not right now. This is about your self-destructive behaviour. How can you even think about giving up on your friendship with Riley, Maya? It's good for you; I've always known that. Everyone knows that. I can't believe you're going to let a guy ruin that."
"What's my alternative?" she asked, desperate. "Pretend every day when I'm with them that I'm perfectly fine with them making googly eyes at each other? Sitting there with a big smile on my face as I drill Riley for details of her dates with him that I don't want to hear? Hell, I'll probably be the one to have to help her choose her outfits. How can I do that Josh? How can I help send my best friend further into the arms of the guy I like? That will kill me a lot faster than me just ending things with Riley."
Josh was silent for a while, undoubtedly mulling over her words. Maya sniffed and reached up to wipe at her nose, glad that she wasn't blubbering for a second time today.
"Do you really think that Riley is going to let you go?" he finally asked. "Because she seemed pretty damn determined to solve this when she called me earlier."
"What did she want anyway?" Maya asked. "She would have had the others to complain to about my behaviour. She wouldn't have run to you with that."
"She wanted to find out if I had any possible idea about why you hate her."
"I don't hate her."
"What else do you expect her to think Maya," Josh demanded, exasperatedly. "God, I want to give you a good shake right about now."
"Well I'm sorry I'm being childish," Maya grated out. "Why don't you go find one of your mature college friends to talk to instead of me?"
"Don't even try that with me Maya," Josh retorted immediately, his tone suddenly stern. "You've pushed enough people away today. I am not going to let you do that to me too, so can the attitude."
Surprised by his words – he had never spoken to her like that before – Maya indeed fell silent and closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. She hadn't even realised what she had been doing.
"Sorry," she said eventually.
"It's fine," he returned immediately, his voice normal. "I know you've had a rough day, but Maya, you're not making this any easier for you. Yelling at Riley and Lucas, running away, changing your classes… This is not at all the solution to your problems. I don't even know where you've got the idea that leaving solves anything, but it doesn't, and right now you're just making yourself and a whole lot of people miserable. And no," he added, just when she made to speak, "I'm not saying this is your fault, but you definitely are not contributing to solving it."
"Well if I'm wrong then just tell me what to do," Maya requested tiredly, flopping backwards so that she was now fully laying on the floor, "because I don't know what else I can do to stop this. I don't want Riley to be hurt. Lucas was supposed to distract her from me; he's apparently not doing a good job of that."
"I would be worried about her nature if Friar did manage to do that," Josh responded. "And the answer to your question Maya is communication. For a friendship to work, hell for any relationship to work, you have to be willing to communicate."
"I can't talk to her about this Josh," Maya reminded him tiredly, "not without hurting her."
"Then maybe she needs to be hurt," Josh said simply.
"What kind of uncle are you?" she demanded, and he snorted at her reaction.
"The kind," he explained, "who wants my niece to understand that life isn't always a walk in the park. She can't always have things handed to her on a silver platter, at least not without realising that there are consequences resulting from that. I'm not going to pretend like you two working things out will solve your dilemma Maya. The two of you may still decide to walk away from each other. But what I am saying is that you need to communicate with her. You talk, she listens. She talks, you listen. Rinse and repeat until you've come to some sort of consensus that works best for the two of you."
"And will that work with Lucas too?" she asked, rolling onto her side.
"I can't help you there, ferret," he admitted. "Although from what Riley says, he doesn't have a clue. None of them do."
"You didn't tell them?" she inquired, a bit surprised.
"I didn't," he confirmed. "I kept your secrets Maya. I just hope I don't end up regretting do so."
"Thank you Josh."
"They could still find out from someone else," he warned her. "I told you, a lot of people heard what he said, even if you friends didn't pay attention to it."
"I know, but still, thank you for protecting me."
"Hey, someone has to," he told her softly, and, despite herself, Maya smiled, taking comfort in the fact that he was looking out for her, that she had someone firmly in her court.
"I'll think about what you said," she murmured.
"Please do. I want what's best for you Maya. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh a few times earlier."
"It's okay," she reassured him. "I needed it."
"I'll make it up to you anyway," he promised her. "I want you to be happy Maya; please believe that."
"I do," she told him sincerely, "it's one of the few things I'm sure about right now Josh. And I appreciate it very much."
Long after they had ended their call, Maya had laid there, mulling over his words, her beliefs, and the situation in its entirety. She knew that he had had some good points; what she was doing really was hurting her. But, as she kept arguing, this was a lot better than the alternative, and, it wasn't as if nothing good had come out of her decision so far. Eventually, exhausted, she had managed to catch some sleep, promising herself to dwell more on it in the morning. And yet, come the morning, she found herself unable to decide upon anything, couldn't even think of how she could go about altering the path she had set herself on, especially since a part of her still believed it right.
And so, it was yet another day of her arriving to her shared classes with seconds to spare and being the first out of the door when the bell rang. Mr. Jackson hadn't even commented on her arrival for another day; without a word, he had pointed to his sinks and she had rolled up her sleeves and went about helping him, Emily and Liam. She felt both Mr. Matthews and Shane's gaze on her throughout History, but thankfully neither tried to talk to her, and afterwards, she had fled the school after a quick trip to her locker before holing herself up in her room, determined to make sense of the homework she had to do without help.
Locked in a struggle for victory against a particularly stubborn equation, Maya didn't even realise that she had absentmindedly called out for her mother to come in when a knock came from her bedroom door. If she had paid it a little more mind, she would have found it strange. Her mother rarely knocked – her mother wasn't even supposed to be home this early. Resultantly, when Maya finally lifted her head to wonder why she wasn't speaking, the pen fell out of her hand when she saw who was standing in her doorway, a stubbornly determined expression on her face.
Riley.
