Thanks for all your reviews. Usually, I don't "explain" my idea of the story, but I thought it was nice to discuss it a little with you, since your ideas of the story are so different ;) So, I hope you don't feel offended!
The original idea was that Ryan and Sandy indeed didn't have the best relationship, but that they do have their moments of father-son-interaction. Unfortunately, I didn't give enough room to this idea in the first story which is why I decided for flashbacks. I also tried to picture how and why their relationship worsened, especially with Kirsten turning up.
The conflict between Sandy and Laura is, IMO, about their different ideas of what was best for Ryan and their incapability to realise that they're smothering him with all their expectations (I'll try to point that out better in later chapters). They also don't understand each other, because they're too differentfrom each other.
So that's briefly what I thought about the story and yes, indeed I did realise that somehow I didn't manage to point that out properly, but I'm working on it;)
Thanks for reading!
Chapter 7:
Ryan shook his head, not sure that he understood what this man had just said to him. He stepped back a little, because this situation scared him somehow.
"I'm Kurt McGrath and…I'm your father," McGrath finally said and Ryan's head felt is if the world was spinning too fast. He didn't know what to say or what to feel. Everything was blank. Ryan didn't expect that. Yes, he'd been looking for his real father, but never thought he'd find him, at least not that fast. And anyway, he wasn't ready, not yet. There was too much going on in his life as if he could handle this on top. Did he really want to know who his father was? It felt easier to leave things as they were. Ryan couldn't cope with another major change in life.
"Ryan?" the hesitant voice of McGrath, Kurt, calling his name brought Ryan back to the here and now. Ryan looked up, their eyes locked and within a split second rage spread like wildfire through his body. What has gotten into this guy to just turn up and throw those news into his face as if their meaning wasn't more than an info on what he has had for breakfast? Who gave him the right to shake Ryan's world even more than it already was? Who gave him the right to just turn up and cause even more problems for Ryan? Ryan didn't ask for any of this. He only wanted to have a quiet peaceful life, without drama, chaos and crisis and especially without him being involved in one to those three.
"Ryan, please say something," Kurt pleaded.
"Why now?" Ryan asked calmly, suppressing the fireball of rage inside of him.
"I…dunno. I mean, I wanted to get to know you and…this here seemed to be a good opportunity and…," Kurt stammered, but Ryan cut him off reluctant to listen to answers which weren't answers to his actual question.
"I asked you, why now? I mean, after sixteen fucking years you come around to say 'hello, I'm your Dad'?" Ryan emphasised his question.
"Oh…it's…your Mom didn't want me to meet you. I tried, I really did, but she kept telling me that it wasn't good for you since you've been so sick and because she was afraid it could make things for you even worse than they already were, I mean regarding your … father," Kurt spoke the last word awkwardly.
"Yeah, but she died a year ago," Ryan insisted. What was the reason behind this? Ryan had trouble that this was an altruistic matter, but he couldn't put a finger on why he got this feeling. He couldn't understand why this man, who barely knew him, would suddenly decide to be a father. This just didn't feel right to him.
"I know. It's not as easy as…;" Ryan cut him off again.
"I've been living this shit for a while, I know that this is anything else but easy, but that doesn't answer my question!" Ryan finally screamed and turned around to leave.
"Ryan, where are you going?" Kurt called after him.
"Home…Newport…wherever I came from," Ryan screamed back. He needed some more answers. Did his fa…did Sandy know about this? Fantastic one sentence can make even the simplest thing become complicated as hell, Ryan thought before he went on with the thread of questions in his head. If no, how'd he react? If yes, why the fuck didn't he warn him?
In Newport:
Kirsten sensed the second she saw Ryan's face that there was a new crisis advancing them.
"Hey Ryan, what are you doing back in Newport already?" she asked him.
"Sorry, I…need to talk to…Sandy first," he replied. She noticed that he felt uneasy, even more than he did the days before he left for L.A. She also noticed that he called his father by his first name, which told her that the crisis probably was bigger than anticipated.
"Uhm…he's not here. He's at work. Come in," she said and gestured Ryan inside. Now it was on her telling him that his father had organised another move within short time, without asking him in advance. But Sandy's intentions were good ones. He wanted to surprise his son.
"Are you hungry, shall I fix you a sandwich or something?" she asked him nervously. She wasn't prepared for this. She didn't know how to deal with Ryan when he was confronted with yet another wave of maybe bad news.
"Uh…no, thanks," he answered her.
"Some coffee then?" she asked on. She calmed down slowly. Ryan was a teenager and no monster. She'd be able to talk to him.
"Yeah, that'd be nice," he answered her, but he seemed awfully absent-minded to her. She handed him a mug of coffee and gestured him to the den. It was strange how easily he let her guide him. She feared that something had gone awfully wrong in L.A. Or maybe he didn't feel well? She saw that he was rubbing his back and walked a little stiffly.
"Are you feeling well?" she asked him when Ryan was seated on the couch in front of her.
"Uh?…No, I mean yes, I'm okay," he stammered. "Do you know when…Da…Sandy will be back?" he asked her.
"I don't know. Listen Ryan, I don't know how to tell you this," she started. Ryan's head shot up looking at her as if he feared bad news. "I first want you to know that your Dad only meant well. He had only good intentions in mind. He wanted to make you feel more at home here and he found you two a home for your own," she said.
"Oh…yeah, he said he wanted to find us a new place, just didn't think he'd be so fast. So I better wait there, right?" Ryan stated matter-of-factly. Her heart sank at his suggestions, because she realised that she hadn't managed to make him feel welcomed at her home at all.
Sandy's and Ryan's new home
Sandy came home late that day. He hoped this wasn't the first sign that all the promises his new boss made about more flexibility and time for family were nothing but a bubble which was about to burst within the next weeks. His son would have his ass if he didn't change his work habits. Hell, he would have his ass if he didn't change in toto.
"Hey," he heard Kirsten's voice when he entered the living-room and was not only surprised to see her, but also Ryan sitting on one of the couches.
"Hey. Ryan, what are you doing here already? Are you alright? Did something happen?" Sandy asked, his heart thumping heart against his chest.
"Uhm…I think this is something only between you and me," his son replied ice cold. Immediately Sandy started searching his brain for what he might have done wrong this time, but he couldn't come up with anything. Maybe this move?
"Okay, I'll leave you two to yourselves," Kirsten said. She gently squeezed Sandy's shoulder on her way out.
"I'll call you," Sandy mouthed to her. Then he turned his attention to his son. "Ryan, what is it? What's wrong?" Sandy asked again, sitting down in the armchair, loosening his tie.
"Did you know that he was there?" Ryan asked him, his voice still ice cold.
"Who?" Sandy asked, not because he wanted to pretend to know nothing, but because in that very moment he really didn't understand what his son meant.
"Kurt McGrath?" At the sound of this name, Sandy's face dropped. Yes, he had feared that this might happen, but he had thought this man being responsible enough to find a better occasion for talking to Ryan than a workshop.
"Was that the reason why you didn't want to let me go in first place?" Ryan asked on. Sandy watched how his son clenched his jaws.
"Yes, I knew he was there and yes, I thought it wasn't a good idea for you finding your real father at a workshop in passing," Sandy replied as calmly as he could. He could feel his heart crumble inside. How much more could his son take? What if this was the last straw?
"Great," his son answered.
"Ryan, what was I supposed to do?"
"Don't know. Maybe tell me in advance so I can decide whether I want to meet my actual father?"
"If I'd told you that your father was there, you would've accused me for shipping you off to someone else. Remember? You've been pretty angry," Sandy tried to explain his motives, but his argument bounced off his son's shield of self-righteousness.
"Ryan, believe me, I didn't do this to hurt you. I…thought I was doing something good for you, I really did," Sandy started begging for his son's understanding. He had often enough witnessed his son being angry beyond rage, but he never found a way of handling Ryan in that state. Ryan had become emotionally unbalanced and Sandy understood that such a sudden loss could cause something like that. But it was difficult to cope with it though. There was no manual explaining when to do what. Sandy could hardly assess in what mood Ryan was, which was why it was nearly impossible to adjust his reaction properly, but this was a fact nobody would acknowledge since everybody only saw what was displayed on the surface.
"Sorry…I…I can't believe you anymore…or…or trust you for that matter," Ryan said, his voice shaky, tears glistening in his eyes. Sandy got up, he wanted to take his son into his arms and sooth him, making him feel that Sandy didn't mean to hurt him, but Ryan eluded him.
"I need some space," he said and then left the house. Sandy dropped down on the couch and hunched over in desperation. How was he supposed to make this right again? How could he tell his son that he really did mean well? He really thought that this move could help him to sort out the issues between him and Ryan. He really meant it as a new start. His plan backfired on him and he made everything worse than to improve things.
Sandy couldn't put a finger on when exactly Ryan started to withdraw from them whenever he didn't feel well. It was the time, when he met Laura home more often than she was at hospital with their son. At first he didn't question her, because he understood that she needed a break from all the stress and pressure. After all she was just a human being as he was himself. But then she didn't even stay with Ryan, when he was facing sever treatments or surgery. He wasn't sure whether he should question that too, because he was also Ryan's parent and he wasn't there a lot either. It felt wrong blaming her for not doing for what he didn't do as well.
"Hey, not with Ryan today?" he asked nonchalantly when he came home late and found her watching the news.
"No, he told me that he rather wanted to be for himself," she explained her unusual presence to him.
"Okay," Sandy answered warily.
"It's probably a teenage thing. You know how it is: at some point they don't want their Mom's to hover over them," she explained to him, although he would've accepted her answer without further explanation. Sandy couldn't tell whether Laura's assumption was right, though, and debated as to whether to join his son. He decided against it when he reached the hospital's entrance. He told himself that it wasn't a good idea to strain their already strained relationship any further by him disregarding his son's wish. The true reasons were his fears and the fact that he wasn't ready to face his son. Sandy never stopped regretting that decision. This might have been his chance of being there for his son. It might have been the one decision turning the ship around. But he always believed Laura when she told him it was better if he wasn't there. She knew their son best and he trusted her decisions.
"Why don't you stay home today? Take a decent nap, go out with your friends or just be for yourself. Just to get your mind off things," he had suggested one morning when Ryan was hospitalised once again. Ryan was still too young to understand what was going on with him and at times it proved difficult to sooth his fears. Sandy had noticed his wife's exhaustion. Okay, after the fight they had the night before Sandy would have to be blind and deaf to not see it, but he was ready to improve and this was his peace offering.
"I can't leave Ryan alone," she countered. Sandy noticed that their fight from the night before still wasn't over then. There was more about to come.
"I would go."
"You?" she asked him with as much disregard as her voice could carry.
"Yeah, why not?"
"What about your job?"
"I got it covered. Believe me," he had been fighting for his paternal role ever since. Laura was shutting him out of his son's live and at the same time blamed him for not being there enough. Sandy didn't understand then what he did wrong. Later, he understood that not only he was the problem. The problem was that they both had very different ideas of what was best for Ryan, nearly contradictory ones. He thought she was pressuring their son with all her expectations regarding his involvement in music. He thought she was harming him deliberately whereas she deeply and truly thought it was best for her son. It pained her too to see how their son suffered under his life, but she never talked about it and Sandy only wanted to protect Ryan when it appeared to be too much. On the other hand, Sandy only thought it was good for Ryan to see that there were more things in life than music. He wanted him to try everything he wanted, because he wanted Ryan to develop freely and capable of taking all opportunities which were offered to him. He himself was pressuring Ryan with his expectations, but he didn't mean to harm him either, only he never told Laura. He solely accused her for harming Ryan as she accused him for doing the same. It had been a vicious circle which they could've easily left, if they just had sat down and talked.
"It's really hard to believe that you put your job aside for your son," she smirked.
"Know what? I'd drop it any second if it helped to make Ryan feel better only a tiny little bit, but it won't. Contrary, it would make things even worse for him and us if I did. So stop behaving as if I'm doing it out of pure ignorance. You know I do it for us," he hissed. He couldn't stand Laura pretending as if they could live without his job. Ryan's treatments were expensive and the best doctors were the ones with the biggest pay-checks and because insurances were happily taking their money, but fighting for every cent they were supposed to spend for Ryan's medical care, it was a relief to know that they could afford all of it on their own expenses.
From then on Sandy stopped asking Laura whether he should take shifts at hospital. She'd say no anyway. Instead he decided to just stop by only to be met by her disapproval.
"What are you doing here?" she condemned him.
"I wanted to see you and Ryan," he explained to her warily. Why was she meeting him with so much hatred? He was trying. He knew he wasn't much of a support for his wife and his son, but he was trying and he thought he deserved a chance, because than he thought he was still worthy a chance.
"We don't need you here," she told hum bluntly.
"Ryan's my son too," he justified his presence.
"Suddenly he is? What do you expect to gain from it?" Sandy was taken aback by her accusation. He knew he reacted wrong when Laura told him about her pregnancy and he knew he reacted wrong when Ryan was finally born, but since he was confronted with the possibility of losing him he felt that Ryan meant more to him than he was ready to admit to anyone and all he wanted was a chance proving it to all the others that he was Ryan's father no matter what.
"Laura, that's not fair. I'm trying and I want to change, but you ride roughshod over every single attempt," he started to defend his actions.
"It's a little too late, don't you think?"
"That's what you think. Know what? Sometimes I can't refrain from thinking that you deliberately keep me away from Ryan. You don't want me to become a father for him. You don't want me to take responsibility," Sandy accused Laura and at the end they ended up fighting again.
Sandy never was a big support for Laura, but she's never been a support for him too, even before Ryan was born. Hell, he remembered all those dinner parties at the beginning of his career. He felt awfully out of place and had wished for nothing more than his wife being at his side, but she never joined him at those social get-togethers. She preferred going out with her friends instead. Sandy never told her how disappointed he was. He didn't want to put her under pressure since he knew that she didn't feel comfortable around all those people too, although this was the circle she was raised into. Her parents were disappointed that Laura decided for a boy from the Bronx and Sandy had worked hard to get rid of that image in hopes it could rescue Laura's relationship to her parents. But he'd been wrong. She didn't want to be part of this circle, but Sandy realised too late that it were those people and events she wanted to escape from. Sandy regretted to never have talked to Laura about what were their real problems. It was the fact that he didn't belong to this circle which made Laura fall in love with him. Maybe if they'd sat down and just talked, they might have been able to repair their relationship.
Ryan couldn't tell what it was, but whenever he had the feeling he needed an escape he was drawn to the beach. The sound of the waves, the salty breeze and the fact that the beach around here was nearly deserted had a soothing effect on him and it helped him thinking. But thinking wouldn't help him out of the current mess he was in. He desperately tried to sort out his emotions, but he couldn't. He felt so much at once that he couldn't tell anymore what he felt. He tried to clear his mind as to better assess his situation, but he couldn't. He looked out onto the sea. Its surface was calm only disturbed by small waves. How was he supposed to handle this? He felt like a sport of fate, or rather like a sport of his mother's, Sandy's and Kurt's game they were playing. He was just a figure shoved around on the board into the direction it suited them best. Ryan felt like breaking into tiny pieces, there were so many unresolved emotions inside of him that his chest felt like breaking open any time. He had tried to cry, but he couldn't anymore, because he couldn't decide on what to shed a tear on, because there were so many reasons for him to cry.
"There you are," he heard a familiar voice, which fortunately didn't belong to his father. He looked up and spotted Rose and Caleb walking along the beach.
"I thought we'd find you here," Caleb went on. "Your father's worried sick."
"Is he afraid I might come back?" Ryan snorted.
"Ryan!" Rose scolded him. "Your father is really worried about you and feels bad for what has happened," she explained to him. Whether Sandy felt bad or not was the last concern on his mind.
"Don't you want to come back home?" Rose asked him kindly. No, he didn't want to. He didn't want to listen to any more false apologies and explanations. He didn't want to listen to Sandy explaining to him how complicated everything was and especially Ryan didn't want to be exposed to all these people expecting him to forgive.
"You know, for fathers it's never as easy to show their emotions as for mothers," Rose told him, glaring at her husband who innocently shrugged his shoulders. "But although they don't show you that they love you, they still do," she went on. "I'm not here to justify everything your father might have done wrong, but I also fell that, maybe sometimes, you're not always honest about your feelings and needs. Your father's not almighty and…maybe if you just talked to him more about your needs he might adjust a little better to your situation," she went on and Ryan suddenly felt offended.
"So, suddenly it's me again who's done everything wrong?"
"I didn't say that, but did you tell your Dad that you found it unfair that, while you was stuck in hospital, he dated his new love?" she asked him in an non accusing tone, sitting down next to him, Caleb helping her, and gently stroke his upper-arm. It slowly dawned to Ryan that she had a point, somehow. He told Sandy that he shouldn't stay a single widow for the rest of his life. He even told him that it was okay for him to start dating again and now he was complaining about him? On the other hand, when he told Sandy he didn't need to stay in hospital with him, he did it as to demonstrate his rejection and that, only because he started to adjust to his new life, he wasn't okay with it at all. Obviously his father had misunderstood these signs. But was it okay to blame Ryan for Sandy's blindness?
"You really need to talk more. You'll only get more hurt if you don't. We're all mere human beings and nobody of us possess super powers like the capability of reading other people's mind," she explained to him and what she said appeared logical, but Ryan wasn't capable of talking like that either. It didn't seem right to him to talk about his needs while everybody around him was too busy with their own lives as if he could bother them with his problems. He didn't want to overtax others as he did with his Mom. He didn't want to cause anyone any more pain. He had done enough damage to other people for a lifetime. He had lost his right to need something, because he had already needed, demanded too much from those around him.
"Rose, his father doesn't seem too much of a talker as well, considering he didn't mention a permanent move to his son," Caleb interjected and Ryan felt glad that at least one person seemed to be on his side.
"I know Cal and…I don't want to offend Ryan, but I also know that the older one gets the more difficult it becomes to change one's habits," Rose answered with a glare at her husband who responded again by shrugging his shoulders.
"Ryan's young and can adjust more easily. For him it might be easier making the first step towards changing things, although it won't let your Dad off the hook, of course. And I also know that it's not always easy to approach others with your problems or fears, but your Dad is your Dad and you can believe me when I say that fathers are more understanding than you perceive them to be. He knows you, I'm sure he does, and that makes it easier for him to understand what you're going through," she went on and somehow it made sense and then again it didn't. It felt he and Sandy were light-years apart from each other. How was Sandy supposed to understand him when he seemed to have trouble all those sixteen years they've been living together? How was Sandy supposed to understand him when he didn't know how it felt being Ryan and living that life?
"Might be, but right now…I'm just not ready for facing him," Ryan replied simply to get out of this.
"Okay, take your time," Caleb answered, at least one person who got his point. "Here, you're shivering," Caleb draped his jacket around Ryan's shoulders and then helped his wife back up onto her feet.
"Don't worry. We'll be there when you come home," Rose assured him, but Ryan couldn't understand what that meant. Why did she tell him that they would be there? He looked at her questioning.
"Consider us as cordon sanitaire," Caleb enlightened him and then they left him.
Ryan couldn't tell how much more time passed until he finally decided that he had enough space and was ready to go back. Well, he wasn't ready at all, but his back hurt again and his legs started to feel a little numb. He couldn't consider it being hot at that time outside and he didn't want to risk getting sick and top of all the drama he had. He was surprised to see Rose and Caleb and Kirsten when he came back. Sandy was about to jump to his feet when he saw him, but Kirsten gently hold him back and Ryan was grateful for that. He wasn't in the mood for one of Sandy's big gestures.
"Hey, you're a little better now?" Rose asked him.
"Not really," Ryan replied. "Do we really have to discuss this in front of an audience?" Ryan directed the question at Sandy and didn't care whether he was being unfair towards Caleb and Rose. He didn't feel comfortable talking about it in front of others.
"Ryan, we're only here because we don't want the situation to escalate any further," Caleb interjected.
"Did you and Kurt make arrangements?" Sandy asked after a moment of utter silence.
"No. I left instantly when he told me," Ryan replied. His nerves slowly settled, but his thoughts were still racing.
"Ryan, I already mentioned once to you that running won't solve problems," Caleb said, without scolding tone.
"I know," Ryan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to reduce the tiredness of his eyes.
"Do you want to see him again?" Sandy asked. His seemed composed to the outside but Ryan knew that inwardly he was as wracked as Ryan was.
"No idea," Ryan said and sat down on the armrest of the armchair. He didn't know when Rose had left them, but she must've been, because she handed him a mug of tea.
"Thanks," he said and took a sip.
"It's your decision. If you want to see him again, then you should do it. I mean, all I can do in this is…to support you, if you want me to," his fath…Sandy told him. He was very understanding given that this turn in life was also affecting him, but then again Ryan could remember quite a few times when Sandy showed more understanding than anyone else. Their relationship was really twisted. Ryan wished he could hate him, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't. The last year had been rough for both of them. And yes, Sandy had managed to hurt him more than anyone else during the last months, but Ryan wasn't sure whether these months were capable to outweigh the times when Sandy appeared out of nothing and had just been there for him without asking anything from him. No matter whether Ryan was ready to accept the truth, he could no longer pretend that it had only been Sandy making mistakes. No matter how much it hurt, but Ryan knew at some point he had to deal with the sick story of his family and that not everything was as it seemed. But he wasn't ready to disregard his mother's memory. He wasn't ready to face what went all wrong along the way and he wasn't ready to accept that if he just hadn't happened or if the cancer hadn't happened or if the cancer had done a proper job, things would have turned out for the better for everyone.
