Ah, It's been a while, readers. No one saw this update, not even me! Alright, cutting to the point, it has been so long that I needed to write some short introduction to myself back into the swing of things. Hope it's not too much as much as I've focused on how miserable Blu is.

Hope you guys enjoy.


(A Monologue From Blu)

How far would you go to protect what matters most to you?

Your very livelihood your love? How much does that mean to you? What if, deep inside, you just can't come to terms with reality? What if a part of you dies, never to come back, no matter how hard you pull and pull? No matter how hard you dug deep into yourself, no matter how much you hoped or prayed, desired or longed for, what you loved was gone. Forever.

What happens then? What happens to you then?

The depths of insanity hold security for someone like me. For, at the very least, within insanity the world bends to my desire, becomes my own. Perhaps those beings who define something as insane are insane themselves. But… no matter how insane I become, she still never comes back.

There's so much anger inside me. I feel it eating away at who I used to be. The seams of reality, the very things that used to hold my world together, are gone. My heart yearns and destroys itself for what will never be again.

So what do you do? When your whole world crumbles around you and you look at yourself in the end and realize that maybe, just maybe, you were alone the whole time. Maybe fate conspired against you from the get-go. Maybe the day you were born the natural world decided your depressing fate.

What do you do? What is there to hold on to?

The only thing that is left is the memory in your heart, the last relevant and remaining piece of her. The last thing you can see when you close your eyes. The last thing you can take refuge in, even though it also destroys your emotional barriers.

I won't ever recover from this… but… somehow…

Somehow I think there's more. There's more beyond just the first loss. Beyond the destruction that is my current reality, my home and prison that is the present. The reality that tore her away from me, and the boundary between life and death. There has to be more… and yet… deep down, would it be worth the risk again?

Loneliness is a killer among all.

It's the one equalizer among men and creature alike, the very thing that tears down anyone's conscious or any strong thinkers. No matter how resilient your resolve or mentality is, it's the one thing that whittles away at you until you are left alone, in the dark, with your throat raw from screaming, yet no one can hear you.

Back in my previous life, I once espied on a television show regarding prison life among humans. The show interviewed one inmate on what he feared most. Pain. Pain is an object, something you can tangibly measure physically. No amount of physical trauma can break strong resolves, oh no. Death?Death is the end and if you manage to keep your sanity, and you can successfully say you lived the way you wanted.

Yet this inmate's response astounded me, after being condemned for life to a cell, his only fear was not death, or pain, or any amount of torture. His only fear was being alone.

Alone.

Such an answer surprises me, because never in a million years would I ever agree with him. Never would I have even placed any amount of relevance in his answer and I would disregard it. And I still would to this day, had I not experienced first-hand.

No matter how much you claw around, how much you wish and hope for it to stop, loneliness kills. You can't deny it, it changes people, makes them revert back to their primal instincts.

It degrades the brain, the mindset; it destroys what little value you have in your life and invalidates any order. Because when you're alone, your darkest demons, your most secret of secrets, your unimaginable and intangible fears, come true.

True loneliness, segregation, separation… when no matter what you do, there will be nothing. No help, no one to hold you, no one that can or will empathize or even sympathize with you.

That's a fate worse than anything else, and I am living it.


(Alex)

The world itself is a terrible place. We, as beings in this terrestrial realm, are placed here innocently naïve to the terrors of our home. The world betrays us, feeding us false hope and love as it strips away the very love it gave us, leaving nothing but pain and sorrow.

There is no true way to conquer such a place, no way to win against the unfortunate outcomes. The world takes what it wants as unfairly as it placed us in itself, breathing life into our lungs, only to take it away. That's part of the reason I preach equality.

I don't believe we should be tearing each other apart when reality itself does a good job at that already. We can't allow ourselves to fall victim to an endless cycle of revenge and retribution, clawing at each other trying to get ahead in life. That would inevitably lead to the destruction of us all.

When one experiences the pain of loss, pain that's akin to being punched in the throat and stabbed in the chest repeatedly, one does not truly recover from such an endeavor. It's beyond repairable, there is no such cure, no replacement, no salvation.

Loss is like a bottomless pit of torment that poisons all feelings and emotions, sapping what little happiness and warmth radiates from everyday life. The only way to cope is to ignore.

Blu hasn't fell off the cliff and into that pit. I still see hope within him. I see it that he's special, unique. That's the only reason I decided to reach out to him. He's experienced the pain of loss, yet within the depths of depression and darkness within his soul, there's still hope.

Hope that I never had or could ever wish for. Hope for recovery, an impossibility for me.

That is what intrigues me about him. He's the only being I've ever seen have the potential to overcome, to beat fate and the dark card it has casted him. Yet it's only hope, not truth. I intend to help change that.

There was always something strange about me, as if my body was bound to Earth, but my mind was bound to another realm. After fate stripped me of my love, ruined my physical self, I was always able to see beyond what most people could. I could sense on a whole new level, notice and interact with the invisible ghosts of years past.

So it was no surprise she managed to contact me…

Blu's departure earlier in the day intrigued me. He was making definite progress in recovery, as I could tell he wanted to tie loose ends up and perhaps see old friends. As broken as he still is, I still see a glimmer of steadfastness in his eyes, and I pondered what exactly set him apart from other birds as I watched him disappear into the horizon.

With the day still new, I focused on suppressing my demons and going through daily routines, finding what little nourishment I required from a banana tree. The meal itself sustained and satisfied me, and when I was done, I tossed the remnants to the ground below. With the closure of my morning nourishment and the departure of Blu, I pondered what worth this day would bring and decisively committed myself to remaining placid. Calm apathy, however, was something that would elude me today.

Upon returning to my hollow, I indifferently stared out into the milky dawn, reading the birds and wildlife of the jungle like books. How happy they all were, and how fragile their existence was in the picturesque view I had. Drips of sunlight peaked through the canopy as vivid green lusciously engulfed the trees and brush around me. Espying a couple mingle around a mango tree, I started to feel the hollowness inside me.

That's when it hit me. The eerie chill that creeps down your back, tingles your spine and ruffles your tail feathers. The shiver that flows through your shuddering body as something not quite natural passes over you.

The feeling loomed over me and clouded my senses, and in the moment it felt like time stood still. The world around me froze, and an impending sense of dread and sorrow radiated from behind me. Slowly turning my attention around to the inside of the hollow, I tilted my head around. My hollow lay bare as it had always been, yet I could feel an otherworldly presence within, beckoning to me. Stepping away from the entrance, I slowly crept to the center, my curiosity piqued.

The chamber, devoid of life aside from me, lay ever still and quiet, secluded from the outside world. I spun my head around, getting a full 360 degree view of my abode, glancing over the entrance and back towards the deepest recesses of my home.

Still nothing.

Releasing a deep, pent-up breath, I hobbled back towards the entrance. However, the second I turned my back and took a step forward, I heard a faint wisp of wind, as if someone had flapped their wings ever so slightly.

My eyes rolled back, and I felt like my body curled in upon itself and was tossed into my own mind. A jet-black space greeted me, possessing an ethereal floor that I stood on, but no walls or ceiling. A shifting cloud of fog materialized from the endless blackness and drifted closer, swirling and arranging itself into a specific shape.

The bird in front of me was definitely a macaw, yet its translucent form obscured the exact gender and species. It was merely a shadow given substance, and it drilled into me with the dark gray depressions that were its eyes.

I cocked my head to the side as I match the being's gaze, "Who are you?" I asked out in a neutral tone.

"One who has left the world, yet remains connected to the sadness I have left behind," the shadow whispered back in a definite feminine voice.

"Why have you brought me here, into the mysterious universe within my head?" I asked as I meticulously ran her sentence over in my head several times, going over every word to fully comprehend the meaning behind them.

"Because you can help. You have already helped, but I simply need you to send one last message." The shadow whispered as it dissolved into the air, only to re-materialize a few inches closer. "During my previous existence, my name was Jewel. You knew of me, Alex."

I flinched and immediately connected the lines. This was the specter of Jewel, a vision reaching out to me.

"Oh," I said in an outburst of understanding, "Then what exactly do you want?"

"Blu... my poor Blu…" The wraith of Jewel hesitated, and I felt another wave of sorrow pass over me.

"Tell him to forget about me. Tell him to move on and live a happy life," she said, refocusing her gaze on me.

I merely shook my head. "After what your death put Blu through, you want him to just simply get over that? He loved you beyond measure. Romantic ties that deep are impossible to sever. The feeling of loss never goes away. You expect him to look the other way and find another?"

For reasons unknown to me, I felt anger inside me build, and I questioned why I was reacting this way.

She remained motionless, never taking her eyes off me.

"I loved Blu as well, but I can't stand seeing him suffer in pain for the rest of his life because of me. I feel his suffering. He's trapped… he's trapped inside himself…"

Another pause, and then she resumed speaking in her echoing voice.

"Blu's misery is something I caused. I love him too much to see him in pain for something I brought upon him. Tell him that I will always love him, and he will always be mine… but I just want him to live a happy life. Remove the burden of me from him, Alex. Do this for me, because you of all people know how bad it is to entrap such sorrow. Free his soul."

The last three words the shadow whispered faded into my ears and lingered softly in my head. Free his soul. Free. His. Soul.

The shadow disappeared and left me alone, leaving a blanket of what terrible emotions and feelings it contained over me. The world, still frozen around me, completely left my mind as those last three words echoed in my head…

Then, as if awaking from a dream, I opened my eyes.

Gasping for breath, I looked around my hollow. It was still morning, yet it remained a mystery if it was the same day. My body and mind felt well rested, as if I had just woken up from a deep sleep. Tears threatened to drop from my eyes from the experience I had endured, yet I was not truly sad myself.

Memories of the shadow and vision still clouded my head, yet whether or not it actually happened became obscure to me. Was it a dream? Or did it actually happen?

Peeking out the entrance, I espied the birds of the jungle stirring to begin their morning duties and routines, ready to start the day.

The three words Jewel uttered still lingered in my head, and I had nothing to do but sit and ponder her message to me…


(~Annabelle~)

Morning is always a joyful experience for me. It's the breath of a new day, a greeting from the world as the past is put behind you and you're allowed to start again. "Today's a new day" as the saying goes. It's arguably my favorite time of the day.

Brushing off the events of the day before, I hopped out of my nest. I took a deep breath in and held it for a few seconds as I walked to the edge of my hollow, peering outside greeting the sun and all of it's beauty. Exhaling slowly I smiled, stretching my wings open and swiveling my head on it's axis.

First things first, I thought, food.

Being in the mood for mango as I was, I took to the skies, gliding down to a patch of mango trees by a small river. I was greeted several times along the way by my neighbors, who included two families of hyacinth macaws and a few military macaws, including a new couple that informed me of the bond they recently formed.

Upon arriving to my select group of fruit trees, I landed on branch towards the top, picking one ripe mango. The fruit smelled amazing and it's bright, full appearance only encouraged me to take my first bite with haste. I delved into the mango, ripping it open and feasting on the juices and nutrients within.

Satisfied with my meal, I glided off the branch down to the little brook below. Stepping down on the banks, I nipped a beak full of water.

A few minutes passed by, and once I quenched my thirst I began to meticulously preen my feathers, going over each one to remove and grit or dirt and renewing my coat. More grime covered my vivacious coat than usual, and I attributed it to my miserable time in the club among the birds of the night life.

It would be a while, I figured, before I'd try that again… Maybe on a less crowded night with friends that won't run off.

Speaking of which, I thought, Where is Aley? What on earth happened to her?

As if on cue, an outburst of chirps rang out from above calling my name, "Annabelle!" A familiar voice repeated.

Turning around I looked up, catching two blue macaws with a faint hint of yellow in their faces flying towards me. Immediately I recognized Aley, and I shook my head in amazement at the coincidence of having just been thinking about her. However the second I recognized Sam, my mood dropped slightly.

Once the two dropped down next to me, they both exchanged greetings with me, beaming at each other during any intermission that came up.

"So, what happened last night Anna?" Aley asked curiously, "You disappeared and Roy said you freaked out and ran off."

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. What happened to you two?" I asked, brushing off her question.

Aley just smiled bashfully and looked at Sam, placing her wing across his back as he put his wing around her.

"We, well… we had a wonderful night. Had a magical dinner, a few drinks and the such."

Sam chuckled a bit when Aley finished her sentence.

"A few drinks?" he joked as he nudged her, "Aley went a little crazy. I had to stop her."

"We had a good time," Aley remarked rubbing her wing across his back, "I guess you could say we're a couple now, we kinda… hooked up."

Hooked up? I thought, oh damn, she means they…

"You hooked up?" I blurted out unceremoniously, "on the first night? Aley…" I cut myself off, shaking my head in disapproval.

"Well yeah… Anna, we didn't actually commit to it. We just kind of… fooled around," Aley said as she let off a shrug

"There's no harm in that, is there?"

My frown intensified, "I just, I don't know. Aren't you rushing things a bit? It was a first date, after all."

"Rushing things?" Aley asked in a slightly hostile tone. "What is that supposed to mean? We didn't actually mate, or anything. You know what, Anna, maybe you should lighten up and live a little. That's why you're still alone, and we both know that. You keep to yourself too much."

Or maybe I treasure what morality I have, I thought to myself.

"I guess you're right," I said to the side, defeated on the conversation and not wanting to pursue it further.

It wasn't in me to argue with her, and I found the situation hopeless. There was no convincing Aley of her mistake no matter how much I disapproved of it.

A short silence passed over us as the three of us awkwardly stood still

"So… what happened between you and Roy?" Sam asked brushing the awkward moment by.

"I just needed some fresh air, I guess," I replied, not wanting to think about the childish bird that was Roy or the crime he committed to me.

"Well hey, Anna," Aley started up again, "we came by to tell you that we're going back to the club tonight. Want to come?"

"No, I think I'm going to rest today," I replied back. I could tell Aley was a bit disappointed but she tried to hide it from me.

"Well, We'll see you around then, I guess."

"See you later," Sam said as he lifted into the air.

"Bye," I called back as I waved after the couple, now flying in the opposite direction.

The second the two left, I sat down on the bank of the river.

What's happened to my friend? I thought as I focused on repressing the tears that started developing. Should I just be like them? What's left for me to do? Am I forever cursed to being alone?

Many more questions flushed through my head, but I shook them off.

I guess I'm just going to rest at home today…

Standing up to my full height, I looked down at the pond. A shimmer of my reflection gazed back at me. I focused in as the water stilled and an image of my best friend Aley looked up at me, staring deep into my eyes, questioning me and taunting me.

I could read the message she was sending me. She flaunted her new reckless relationship in my face, and the reflection truly infuriated me. No longer able to look at the water, I stomped it furiously, destroying the image in a spray of water droplets.

I then growled to myself and spread my wings, soaring back home.


(Blu)

Loneliness is a byproduct of a starvation.

A starvation of love, of belonging, of reason to be; If that's the question at hand.

Those lonely nights, I've spent wanting

Waiting for salvation

Waiting for you.

Darkness, darkness clouded my mind that night. Upon returning back to my hollow I more-or-less crashed inside than landed, scraping my chest and wings against the ground when I sluggishly threw myself down. This new arrival, this new bird… She seemed so young and innocent, so pure and caring and the sight of her familiar pure blue coat almost sent me reeling.

She reminded me so much of my loved one, yet she was as different as she was alike. She was a great deal younger, not terribly so, but it was noticeable. Her voice was softer, and she seemed so fragile as opposed to the strong willed Jewel. I knew from her tone that she was being absolutely genuine with me, and she actually cared.

She cared for me in my time of depression, that's why I left. Why would anyone care for someone like me? It's something I don't understand… Something that scared me with the comfortable feelings it brought.

Besides, I'm too broken so associate with a bird as pure hearted as her. She's still got so much life, so much vitality, it'd be best if someone like me didn't weigh her down. Even as an acquaintance.

I shook my head and rose up from where I was slumped on the floor, dragging my wings and feet to the empty nest in the heart of the hollow.

Yet the hollow itself represented my heart, with the empty nest where a bird used to belong, yet never shall it be filled with warmth again.

I didn't reach the nest itself, instead I fell to the side landing on the edge face first.

I don't deserve such comfort, I thought, A failure of a broken bird like me doesn't deserve such comfort.

Closing my eyes I focused on the only thing that brought comfort to me. Her, namely the warmth she brought me. Her luscious, blue eyes, the symbol of her life and the representation of her personality. I knew those eyes, and it was as if I could read her soul, her entity and being from the two windows that now only existed in my mind. The passionately fiery look she had, the way her eyes met mine on those nights we held each other… Nights like this.

I truly hated myself, for what was I without her? Useless I was to the world and to anyone around me. Many times over I cursed the bird I had become without her. Emotionless, cold, dried up…

Logic no longer held bounds to me, and many times I desperately called out to some higher being, yet as a hopeless bird, no deity would take. Condemned even in the afterlife…

It wasn't long before my mind wandered into more abstract areas, passing out of the conscious world to the safety of my dreams. Yet there never really is such a thing as true serenity. Paradise is a reality that doesn't exist, because the coexistence of light and dark is always ever so present.

And such a bittersweet reality haunted my dreams as it did my real world.

I saw her, again as I do on most nights, yet something was different. Usually I would see her appearance, hear her voice, and shreds of memories of scents and touches would cloud my mind, and I would drift off in this euphoric like state until morning reached into my sub-consciousness and pulled me out, thus starting my "mourning" cycle over again.

Yet this time… This time I actually felt something. It wasn't just clouds of memories, jumbles and glimpses of what used to be in the past. This time I felt it… felt her.

She was there, staring back at me with her fiery hot, yet passive gaze. It was almost like she was expecting something of me, but then her gaze softened. Her blue irises glazed over and she looked down slightly and turned away.

"Blu," I heard her whisper out like a faint breeze. My heart leaped a mile and almost burst out of my chest. "Blu," she repeated.

I opened my mouth, as if to call out, but nothing came out. No vibrations resonated from my throat and out my mouth. Not a sound.

Taking a small step forward, I nearly stumbled, struggling against my muscles that now protested every movement. It was like I had weights tied to each of my limbs. I tried reaching out to her and I fell, smacking my face on the dark abyss that surrounded me.

"Blu, I will… wait for…" Jewel called out, but then she hesitated again, and shook her head.

I pushed myself up with my wings, struggling with every fiber of my being to so desperately reach the love of my life, tears leaked from my eyes as I fought back the urgent need to cry. This was her, in all of her actuality. I could feel it… If only I could just reach her, I could talk to her… Hold her.

Another step forward I took, struggling with every successive inch of movement, pain parallel to being crushed under both emotional and physical stress.

"Blu… st- stop. Please stop," She said, tears in her eyes now penetrating to the surface.

I have to keep pushing…

"Blu, stop. Please."

Jewel, just wait.

One last step I took before my energy depleted and I crashed to the floor. My whole body went limp and I couldn't do anything aside from laying there under the pressure of my own sorrow, crushing me uncontested. Out of sheer stress, a moment of weakness took over me as I succumbed and closed my eyes, writhing about what little I could, and upon reopening my eyes, my worst, deepest, darkest fear came true.

Jewel was gone, no longer in front of me. I couldn't hold back any longer, I turned my head to the side and buried it in my left wing, crying with huge heaves and sobs.

My Jewel, gone… Gone forever. Gone never to return.

That's when I felt a force life me up, picking up my broken wings. Cupping my face and refocusing my line of sight. It was Jewel, she was holding me up.

Sorrow clouded her eyes and she shook her head again.

"Blu, it's me this time," she whispered. A slight dull pause rolled over both of us until she broke it with a kiss. It was the first kiss in a long time, so nostalgic that I was stunned for a whole minute once she broke from it.

The first kiss I've had in what seemed like a broken life time. I had almost forgotten the significance of the kiss, I had almost forgotten it's symbol.

"I love you Blu." Jewel whispered into my ear so tenderly, so sweet. Her body shook in small spasms, from what I figured was the relieving of anticipation that was built after so long, as if she had all this pent up love and an ever so important message she was ready to deliver to me.

"Blu, I love you. You will always be mine…" Jewel said, picking me up to my feet as if I weighed nothing more than a feather and breaking the chains of sorrow that weighed me down. I was able to stand up to my full height, but the second I was back on my two talons I fell on to her, giving her the biggest hug we had ever shared.

"Wh-where," I choked out, "Wh-wha..?" I stammered trying to ask a million questions at once.

Jewel just smiled, and chuckled past mounds of repressed sadness. She nodded her head and stared into my eyes, answering every single doubt and question I was trying to ask.

With no words but one, I whimpered out. A cry, of longing wanting to belong, of love and sincere yearning, "Jewel."

Jewel just shook her head and brought me closer in an embrace, hugging me tightly and whispering into my ear, "Do you remember, a long, long time ago…"

"Do you remember, during our last big dinner night together, with Linda and Tulio… Do you remember what you said?"

I merely shook my head softly, mesmerized by her golden voice of honey as she lathered my ear with warm words.

"You said, 'Blue eyes say, love me or I die... Brown eyes say',"

"Love me, or I kill you," I finished with a sad smile, still shaking my head softly.

"I could never survive without you Blu. I could never deal with what you are going through right now. You are strong, Blu."

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself and keep myself steady. Jewel continued, "I'm here now… To tell you, Blu…" Jewel's voice started cracking up, and I could sense it was tough for her to say what she was going to say next just by the pause and deep breath against my chest.

"I… Want you…" Jewel struggled out, "I want you… to move on, Blu." Upon finishing her painful sentence she placed upon me, she held me tighter and I couldn't help but freeze up.

Move on? How, Jewel… How do I move… on?

I pushed a small gap between us, just large enough to look into her eyes again. Grief, disbelief, sadness, pain, you name it, it all clouded my head and likely showed through my expression.

Jewel wiped tears from her eyes, "It's time to go, Blu. It's time to leave me behind. You have to find another and live a happy life, for the rest of your days. You can't…" Jewel paused and shook her head before continuing with more vigor, "You can't beat yourself up over me, because it pains me more than it does you. If you truly love me with the ferocity you express when you miss me, then leave me."

"I feel your pain, Blu… Please, move on and live a happy life,"

Jewel burst out into sobs and cried into my chest. I shortly followed with tears of my own.

I don't understand… Jewel, I wanted to say. Hell I wanted to scream it, yet I was restrained by the very sorrow that plagued me. Somehow, I think she still got the message.

"I'll be waiting for you Blu, just live your heart out, and find another. Free your soul." Jewel's figure diffused into the darkness of my dream world with a small whisper of wind. I blacked out and was consumed by the abyss, losing all consciousness even in the dream world.

The last faint whisp that tickled my ears before I absolutely lost all capabilities of thought, and entered a deep sleep trance was three simple words:

"I will wait."


Quite the long chapter, eh? Lemme know how it was.