Author's Note: I'm parodying the puppyshipping fandom. And also Twilight. Because… why not.
Let me say, though, that my reasons for disliking Twilight are not superficial. There are parts of it that make me uncomfortable (like Bella being suicidal because she can't see Edward, the sex scene, Jacob imprinting on a baby). The writing is not up to the standard I like to read. And I don't like this particular interpretation of vampires.
On another note, OH MY GOSH. THIS THEME IS SO. BAD. I'm so sorry. -_-
Parody
Joey stared down at his father, face bloodied and bruise and nose obviously broken. He blinked slowly, then turned to look up at the brunet standing next to him. "What the hell?"
"…I saw him hurting you and I just wanted to protect you," Seto answered after a moment.
The younger boy raised an eyebrow. "And how did you see him hurtin' me?"
"…Sometimes I sit outside your window and watch you sleep."
Joey stared at him for a moment before stating, "That is so sexy and not at all creepy."
Seto shrugged. "I like to think so." He paused for a moment before looking down at the blond and stating, "I'd like you to come move in with me now. It's not safe here for you."
The blond blinked. "…What."
"I mean, I would like to continue protecting you and watching you sleep. At my mansion."
Joey stared at him for a moment before shrugging. "Seems legit. Lemme get my things together."
.-.-.-.-.-.
"You're a vampire, right?"
Seto blinked in surprise. "What makes you say that?"
"'cause your eyes are glowin' and ya shine in the light," Joey replied, shrugging.
Seto stared, mouth falling open a little. "…Well, since you've found me out, yes, I suppose I can tell you. I'm a vampire." He paused, then scowled. "I only shine in the light because I have such white skin. It's not something I enjoy."
"Why not tan?" Joey asked innocently.
The brunet rolled his eyes in frustration. "Yeah. Because that would work so well with the sun reflecting off of my dead skin."
The blond sat up. "You could use those tanning creams. That might help."
"I've tried that. They turn me orange," the vampire deadpanned.
Joey blinked. "…Oh." He tilted his head a little, then began to laugh. "And ya had that green hair phase, too-! Ya must've looked like an Oompa Loompa!"
Seto sighed and rolled his eyes again, looking quite put out. "Okay, I'm leaving."
"Aw, but I thought ya liked watchin' me sleep!" Joey cooed, smug grin still in place even as the vampire began stalking out.
"Not when you're asking stupid questions and laughing like an idiot."
.-.-.-.-.-.
Seto sat up and frowned a little. "Are you okay?"
"Um, yeah. I think so." Joey stared up at him for a few moments, then tilted his head, frowning. "And you said you were how old?"
"…Five thousand, three hundred, and sixty-four. Why? Is that weird?" The vampire paused. "…Do you think I'm too old for you?"
The blond huffed. "No, that's not it. You said you were a virgin that entire time?" He looked up at the brunet and scowled. "I don't believe it!"
Seto stared. "…I beg your pardon?"
"That was awesome. Well, what I remember of it. I think I passed out for a bit of it. But you know, what I do remember, that was great." Joey blinked. "I don't think I can walk. But that's okay. Still! Ya can't possibly be virgin and be that good!"
The brunet opened his mouth, but he didn't know how to respond. He'd been both insulted and complimented and he didn't know which one to tackle first. On one hand, he'd been called a liar, and he hated being called a liar because he wasn't one.
On the other hand, Joey was stroking his ego. He liked having his ego stroked. Especially when Joey was doing it.
"Well, ya probably had the chance to watch a lot o' porn in five thousand years, huh." Joey scratched his head and sighed. "Whatever. I guess I don't really care that much. Hey!" He smiled. "Let's have one more round! I'll try not t' pass out this time!"
Seto blinked, still trying to figure out how to respond. "…Uh. Okay."
.-.-.-.-.-.
"We should get married."
Joey looked up from his sandwich, blinking up at the brunet slowly. "…Um?"
"We've known each other a few weeks. That's long enough before we get married, right?" Seto asked, raising an eyebrow.
The blond stared at him for a moment before smiling awkwardly. "Can we get married? I mean, we're both guys, and—"
Shrugging, the brunet replied, "Vampire married. Om nom nom, sex, more nomming, more sex. Vampire married."
"…Seems legit," Joey replied, then turned to finish his sandwich. "When?"
"I thought tonight."
Joey stared down at his sandwich for another moment before deciding that Vegas weddings were much quicker and less planned out, so getting 'vampire married' under more notice should be at least a little more dignified.
"…This is crazy," he muttered, frowning, then sighed and shoved the rest of the sandwich in his mouth before the vampire could question him. Seto hated when he talked with his mouthful.
