2003 - 25 years - Denver, CO
Toby was exhausted. The craziness of his own dress rehearsals for Oklahoma! at the Arvada Center, coupled with tech week for the fall dance concert at the Denver School of the Arts where he taught, had him burning his candle too far, too fast. All he really wanted from his rare Friday night off was a decent meal, a glass of wine, and ten hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Then he pulled up in front of his house and bit back a smile. Will was sitting on his front step, a familiar green fleece jacket protecting him from the slight early October chill and a small duffel bag at his feet.
So much for the sleep. But maybe he'd still get his dinner and glass of wine.
Toby gathered his attache and his dance bag from the passenger seat and all but ran up the front walk.
"Will, darlin', why didn't you call? I could have come out to the airport."
Will met him on the second step with a soft kiss. "It was kind of impromptu. I had to see you."
Toby really looked then, and saw that Will's eyes were slightly sad. "What's wrong?"
Will shook his head. "Not yet. Please. Let's . . . let's go inside, so I can kiss you properly."
Proper wasn't what happened once Toby had closed the door behind them and dropped his bags in the corner. Toby really hadn't even caught his breath around the idea of Will being there before Will had him pressed against the door; his hands relentless and his mouth on the edge of violent. Toby pulled away enough to gasp out bedroom, even as Will's strong hand pressed full against Toby's erection through the thick cotton of his khakis. But Will either couldn't or didn't want to hear him.
"Will. Darlin'." Toby managed to plant both hands against Will's chest and pushed gently. The motion seemed to snap Will out of the worst of his drive, and when he looked at Toby his eyes were dark.
"God, Toby, I need you. Please." His breath was ragged with desire.
"You have me, Will. Always. Just . . . " he laughed roughly. "Just not in the foyer, okay? It'll be better in the bedroom. C'mon." He held out his hand, and led Will through the living room and kitchen, and up the short hall to his room, shedding clothes as he went. Will followed his lead, and by the time Will was pushing him down into the mattress, they were both naked.
Toby tried to slow Will down with long kisses and gentle touches, but Will was having none of it. His mouth was swollen and hot, and his teeth insistent as he marked a path down Toby's neck and chest, and his hands were nothing but rough and fast and so damned insistent, he left Toby breathless. At some point, Toby gave up the ghost and surrendered to whatever devil Will was trying to get rid of.
Toby had gotten used to Will, over the years; so much about him was predictable. Which was why this Will was such a shock. Will was very rarely the aggressor, and when he was, it was a signal that there was really someone else joining them in bed. Terri.
Toby held on to that thread of thought as Will's fingers worked him open, felt it fade when Will pushed into him, hard and oh so good, and lost it completely when he started pushing back, meeting Will hard, angry thrust for hard, angry thrust.
Toby hated himself, sometimes, for liking it when Will was like that, when the sex was forceful and a little painful and tinged with something so bitter. That kind of sex was always a reminder that Will was never going to be fully his, but it always made Toby come so hard he felt like he was breaking.
And it always made him cry.
Later, after he'd sucked Will off in the shower and they were lazy with wine in the kitchen, waiting for the pizza to arrive, he tried to get Will to talk about it, but Will just shook his head.
"Not now, Toby. I just want this night." Toby knew in his gut that whatever was coming was no kind of good, but he agreed anyway. They fell into bed after dinner, and the second time between them was tender and slightly sad. That time, Will was the one who cried.
When Toby woke at the pale edge of dawn, better than 6 hours before he usually did, the bed was empty. Toby listened for a moment, but knew before he even rolled over that Will was gone.
In his place, on the right side of the bed that Toby always, always stayed away from, was an overstuffed envelope, elegant thick cream paper with Mr. Tobias Grey in black script on the front.
A fucking wedding invitation, and it was resting on top of that old green fleece that Toby had handed off to Brad, all those years ago, in the Green Room of a dusty theater in Cincinnati. That fleece that Will had worn, and protected, and used to keep close to Toby.
Toby rolled back against his pillow and spoke into the oppressive silence. "Goodbye, Will."
2004 - 26 years - Columbus, OH
Toby was anxious the morning of the wedding, pacing his hotel room in an effort to rid himself of the knot in his stomach. He couldn't help feeling like he was making a terrible mistake, being there, like he was dragging out the inevitable. But he'd promised both Will and Brad that he'd be there, and Brad had somehow convinced him that singing a song at the reception would be a great gift for Will and Terri. Toby wasn't sure about that at all, but he'd been startlingly incapable of fighting with Brad about it. So there he was, breathing the dry heat from the radiator at the Holiday Inn in Columbus, half-dressed in his best charcoal gray dress pants and a white shirt that cost more than he'd normally spend. His suit jacket was draped over the back of the armchair, and he was jangling his silver cuff links in his hand. He didn't even want to think about putting his tie on yet; he was having enough trouble breathing as it was.
Every step sent echoes through his brain: mistake, mistake, mistake. But he had to be there. His song was going to be more than his gift to Will and Terri; it was going to be his goodbye.
Toby procrastinated as long as possible, and was just shrugging into his suit jacket when Andi and Laurie knocked on his door.
"Hey, baby, you ready?" Toby pulled the door open at Laurie's gentle words, and shook his head.
"No, but I don't have a choice, do I?" The girls both clucked over him, and Andi offered up a low whistle as she took in his suit.
As they walked down the hall to the parking lot, Andi slipped her hand into his. "Will's going to have a hard time keeping his eyes off of you."
Toby just sighed. "It's not going to change anything."
He was silent the rest of the way to the church.
The ceremony was brief, which Toby was thankful for. He'd always been antsy in church from the time he was a kid, and he felt sort of justified being jittery. It was his lover's wedding, after all. Will looked nervous and handsome and younger than Toby remembered; Terri was oddly lovely. Toby had never been a fan of Terri's, and he knew the feeling was mutual, but he had to admit that the emotion of her wedding day had left her softer and more accessible.
He followed Andi and Laurie through the receiving line, offering up a hug for Brad, who was standing in his Best Man's position between Will and Terri's sister Kendra. He felt awkward when he stood in front of Will. They hadn't seen each other since what Toby considered Will's farewell visit back in October, but it was like no time had passed at all when Will pulled Toby into a tight hug and whispered in his ear. "Thank you for coming."
Toby just breathed in Will's scent, committed it to memory, and whispered congratulations into the lapel of Will's tux.
In the sort of vacant time between the passing of hors d'oeurves, the arrival of the wedding party, and the serving of the first course, Brad snagged Toby and installed him in front of the band at the microphone.
Toby smiled out at the gathered crowd with false confidence and endearment. "Will and I, we've been the closest thing to best friends from the moment we met, back when we were nine years old." He swallowed around the lump in his throat and forged ahead. "I couldn't be happier that he's finally settling down. Best wishes to you both." He smiled at the head table, where Terri was clutching at Will's hand and growling something at him under her breath. Will looked tired. Brad was nodding in silent approval. Toby took a last breath as the music started behind him, the opening strains of "Lady in Red." Toby nodded at Will. "I love you, old friend."
And then he sang, soft and sweet. Toby knew he'd never be able to compete with Will in the vocal department, but training over the years had taught him how to manipulate his voice to best play to the audience. And his audience tonight was only Will.
The song was an old memory, a good one, and that's what Toby thought about. Three little boys around a summer piano, being praised for the very things that had always left them just outside of everyone else. Toby scanned the room, winked at Laurie and Andi before letting his gaze drift back to the head table. Brad had his eyes closed, deep in the memory himself. Terri was still clutching at Will's hand, and the growling had softened to what looked like hissing. And Will. Oh, Will. His eyes were wide and bright with unshed tears. The half-smile on his face was the saddest thing Toby had ever seen.
He finished to mild applause and a nod from Will, who had understood every word. It felt to Toby in that moment like he had just lost the best piece of himself.
Toby always thought that formal dinners were a nuisance, more of a time suck on the road to drinking and dancing than anything else. He remained proper and buttoned up through the salad, the soup, the main course, and the cheese plate. But in the void before the cake-cutting and dessert, he'd had enough. He was a little warm from his champagne buzz, so he hung his jacket and tie over the back of his chair, stuffed his cuff links into his pocket, and rolled his sleeves up to just below his elbows. At Andi's smile, he unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt, and she faked at fanning herself before cocking her head to where Will was talking with some guests, people Toby thought might be teachers at Will's school. Will was staring at Toby, color high in his cheeks, pupils dark.
"'Scuse me, ladies," he said as he moved behind Andi and Laurie. "I'll be back."
He made a beeline for the men's room, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was blissfully empty. He was washing his hands when the door snicked open, and Will was there, sidling up behind him and wrapping his warm hands around Toby's waist. Toby could see red marks on the back of Will's left hand.
"I got you in trouble with Terri." He didn't even need to ask.
Will shook his head. "It wasn't you. Not really. You know Terri." Toby did. Toby knew that Terri hated him, but he had never been completely sure why. In the end, he had come to the conclusion that while Terri liked to control every aspect of Will's life, the fact that she couldn't control his friendship with Toby rankled more than anything relating to Toby's sexuality. That understanding still didn't make any of it easier, though.
Toby braced his hands on the edge of the sink as Will touched his lips to the base of Toby's neck. "Darlin', no. We can't."
"Please, Toby. God, you look amazing. And your song. Thank you so much." Toby sniffled a little at the tickle of Will's breath on his neck.
"You said your goodbye months ago. That was mine." Toby couldn't help but let anger seep into his words.
"I know." Will's voice was gentle, but his hands were insistent against Toby's hips. Toby finally gave in, and let Will turn him so they were facing. "Toby." Will's voice was low with want, his body comfort in a way that came with long memory.
Toby sunk back further against the sink, trying to get a little air and a little clarity. "I'll always love you, Will. But I can't. Not now, and especially not here."
"I'm not giving you a choice," Will growled before leaning in and grabbing Toby, pressing flush against him and kissing him, hard. Toby wanted to fight, but he had known for years that fighting Will was worthless. In the end, giving in was his only option.
Will clearly had other things in mind, but Toby couldn't taste anything in the kiss beyond the bittersweet tinge of regret. He pulled away briefly and cupped Will's head with his hand. "Are you sorry you married Terri?"
Will shook his head. "No. I just wish I could have you, too."
"But you can't. So we have to deal with it." Toby tried to duck out of the tight circle of Will's arms, but he was trapped. "Dammit, Will. Let. Me. Go."
"No. We need to finish this."
"Finish wh-?" Toby's words were swallowed by Will's mouth, hot and demanding, on his, down his neck and into the hollow at the base of his throat. "Oh, god, darlin'. Wait."
"No. No time for waiting." Will's hands were forward, fumbling with the buckle on Toby's belt. Toby pushed him off, and ignored the screaming in his head as he undid his buckle, button, and zipper. Will's mouth was warm and hot against Toby's reluctant erection. Toby couldn't help himself; he bucked his hips slightly, relishing the delicious feeling of pressure. He was just about to shimmy his pants down to his knees when he heard anxious footsteps in the hall outside.
"Will. Will. Stop!" The last thing they needed was to get caught by a wedding guest.
"God, Toby, will you shut up? Just let me . . ." Will's hand was snaking under the waistband of Toby's boxer briefs when the door edged open to the sound of Brad's voice.
"Jesus, guys." Will straightened up, and Toby turned to tuck himself back together. "What the hell? Will. Your wife is looking for you."
Toby turned back to stare into Brad's disapproving eyes. "I didn't- I wasn't-"
Brad just shook his head. "You clearly didn't try hard enough. You." He leveled his gaze at Will. "You're married now. You can't keep doing this with Toby, or to him. You've made your choice, and now you have to live with it. And if you want to keep going with Toby, you need to tell Terri. Because cheating? Not okay."
Toby ran a hand over his face before turning to Will. "We're done. We've been done for a long time." He pushed past Brad, out the door and into the fluorescent light of the hall. He had known, from the moment he first realized he was in love, that Will was never going to be his. He just hated himself for taking so many years to realize it.
He paused, and steeled himself at the doors to the reception. A few more hours of putting on a show face, and then he'd be able to go home and pick up his shattered heart in private.
March 2007 - 29 years, Lima, OH
"Will!" Brad's excited voice on the phone was a little out of breath. "She's in labor. I won't be coming in today." Toby watched him clench and unclench his fists, the way he did when he was nervous. "Yeah, I've already called Figgins. Knowing Laurie and the way she deals with stress, the labor's bound to go on and on, but we'll just have to see. She's doing okay. Andi took a few days off from work and she's with her now at the hospital. I'm just heading over now.
"Duncan's staying at home with a friend," Brad added. He glanced at Toby, who was sitting with 5-month-old Duncan in his highchair, getting the pureed sweet potato into his mouth spoonful by spoonful. Luckily Duncan seemed to enjoy the taste, and Toby didn't have to persuade him too much to open up for each bite. Toby wasn't interested in making airplane noises or saying words that might be overheard by Will on the phone.
If it had been fewer than three years since they'd seen each other, Toby thought, I might consider going to visit him while I'm in town. As it was, he listened to Brad's half of the conversation, filling in the rest with halfhearted, wistful memories of Will's voice. He wished Brad would put him on speakerphone just so he could hear him again, just once.
"Okay," Brad was saying. "Don't bother to tell Ryerson – he might feel obligated to come by the hospital, or something, and he just squicks Andi big time. Yeah. I love that you got me this accompanist job, man, but having to deal with Sandy is sometimes more work than anything else." Brad laughed at something Will said, and Toby smiled, reflexively. "Thanks, Will. I'll let her know. Yeah."
Brad hung up the phone and made three or four more passes through the kitchen, gathering things as he went and stuffing them into a canvas bag. "Her water bottle… the rice sock… tea that doesn't suck… all right. I think I have everything." He bent down and knelt beside Duncan, who reached for his face with a potato-smeared fist. "I love you, buddy. You be good for Uncle Toby."
"He's always good," Toby declared, smiling at Brad as he tickled Duncan's neck with his beard. "He's the best baby ever."
"You're a little biased, I think," Brad said, his eyes alight with excitement. "Pretty soon he'll have a sister. Then they're going to have to duke it out to see who can curry Toby's favor more effectively."
"Oh, it'll be the girl, no question," Toby said, wiping off Duncan's messy face and hands with a wet washcloth. "Girls have power over me. I'm putty in their hands."
"There's something strangely right about that," said Brad. "I'm going to head out. Call me or Andi on our cells if you guys need anything."
"We're gonna be fine, aren't we, darlin'?" Toby's voice made Duncan take notice, though it was probably the high pitch as much as any familiarity he had with the sound of Toby. Brad caught it, too, though, and he grinned.
"He knows you," he said, chucking Duncan under the chin.
"He's only met me a handful of times." Toby watched Duncan grabbing at Brad's face with amusement.
Brad shook his head. "No, I mean… I think he knows you." Brad's expression was steady and clear. Toby felt exposed under Brad's frank regard.
"That doesn't bother you, does it?" Toby asked softly.
"Why should it?" Brad said. He smiled at Duncan again, and the love in his eyes was obvious. "It doesn't matter who's the biological parent. I mean, it's too bad my little swimmers couldn't do the job, but… I'm his daddy. No two ways around it."
"You sure are," Toby agreed. He stroked Duncan's dark curls, just starting to grow in.
"Does it bother you?" Brad said. "Just being Uncle Toby?"
Toby let the question hang in the air a little too long, but in the end, he shook his head. "I don't want anything else," he said. "It's… all I can manage right now. Dance is my life. Anything more would change things too much."
"But?"
Toby shook his head again, looking fixedly at Duncan. "No buts. I'm just glad I get to do things like this, to help out every now and then."
"We really appreciate your flying out here for this," Brad said. "I know what this must be costing you."
Toby didn't think Brad meant the plane fare. "I can manage."
"You might give him a call," Brad suggested, but when Toby gave him a sharp, angry glance, Brad held up both hands and backed off. "Never mind. Just an idea."
"He made his choice when he married Terri," he said. He was proud that his voice remained steady.
Brad picked up the overnight bag and paused on his way to the door. "You can't imagine a world in which you could just be friends?"
"We'll never be able to just be friends," Toby said. "We never were, not even when we were boys. It was always more." He thought of how being around Will just blew away his need to keep something of himself hidden, because Will saw him all, every piece of him – and loved him, without reservation, without guile, with his whole heart and body. He hadn't ever found anyone else who loved him like that – not that he had looked all that hard. It was just easier to pretend it didn't matter and bury himself in his work.
"He still talks about you all the time," Brad said, and Toby's eyes closed involuntarily.
"I can't… Brad, please," Toby said. He let a little too much of his pain come out in his voice, and Brad sighed.
"I'm sorry, Toby, but you need to do something about this. You're not any more over him than you were two years ago. A year in London didn't change anything."
"Other than improving my technique," Toby said, shrugging. "The RAD teacher's course will make me more marketable, in case I feel like leaving Denver. Plus, it's good discipline."
Brad's expression was disappointed. "You're just hiding from him now. I mean, changing your number? He was pissed when he found that out."
"I don't much care what he thinks," Toby said, unbuckling Duncan from his chair and picking him up. He was so light in his arms.
"That's where you're wrong, old friend," Brad said. He leaned heavily on the wall and sighed. "You made a choice three years ago, and I told you to stick to it. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it'd be better for him to… to cheat, if it means you guys get to have… what you had, again."
"Brad," Toby said, his mouth dry. Brad shook his head.
"Terri's not good for him, Toby. She's poisoning him from the inside. I can see Will slowly crumbling into pieces, and I can't make him see it. I'd like to think I would stand by him and respect his choice to be married to her, but… dammit, Toby, there's nothing good about this. It's the worst of all possible situations. He needs you now, more than ever." His eyes were pleading.
"I'm sorry, Brad. I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that." Toby clutched Duncan to him, holding him to his chest in one hand while the other wiped tears from his eyes. "I don't think I can help him here. God, I wish… I wish I could. I wish I could just make it all okay." He shook his head. "But I can't." He turned his whole body away from Brad and faced the kitchen. "Tell Laurie I said she can do it – hold off with that epidural as long as she can tolerate it. She's strong."
"I know," Brad said, sounding resigned. "She's the strongest of all of us."
"Andi did an admirable job with Duncan," Toby said loyally, and Brad snorted a laugh.
"Andi whined through the whole thing and refused to let anybody near her with a needle because she was more scared of that than she was of childbirth." He walked back around to stand before Toby, and put a kiss on Duncan's soft curls. "It's probably just as well the first couple IVFs didn't take with Laurie, because if they'd really been pregnant together the way they wanted, two labors in one month would have sent me off the deep end."
Toby couldn't help but laugh, too. "It was bad enough the months when they were pregnant together."
"Tell me about it," groaned Brad. "God. Two sets of feet to rub; two sore backs; one wife with morning sickness at the same time the other one was going crazy from horniness…"
"Poor baby," Toby said, patting Brad's head. "Sounds rough. Of course it's all about you."
"Well, sure, I'm the selfish guy who can't get enough from one hot chick, right?" Brad's self-deprecation was mostly a joke, and Toby knew it. He thoroughly loved his situation, and he wasn't going to change it for the world.
"You're getting enough now, aren't you?" Toby shot him a wicked smile.
"Hey, there's still more little Tobys in storage," Brad said, with a gleam in his eye. "Who's to say we won't have two more someday? We're all young, right?"
"Jeez Louise." Toby paused in patting Duncan's back, amazed. "You can think about that, now, in the middle of Laurie's labor? I guess you must be happy."
"Yes, Toby," Brad agreed. "I'm very happy. I can't even tell you how happy… thanks to you." He put an arm around Duncan and the other around Toby, and hugged them tight. Duncan made wordless noises of cuteness.
"You wanted to be a dad almost more than Will did," Toby said into Brad's shirt. "I couldn't not help. I'm just glad it worked out."
"You've always been part of our family, Toby. This is just another point of connection." Brad grinned, stepping away. "You sure do make beautiful kids."
Toby had nothing to say to that. He opened the fridge and got out a bottle of breastmilk for Duncan as Brad headed for the door. "Hey, Toby?" Brad added. "If you change your mind, Will's number is posted on the fridge."
"Go meet your daughter, Bradley," he said severely. As though I'd ever forget it. As though it wasn't still on speed dial. As though I didn't try to call it a few times a month, and hang up before connecting.
The front door closed, and the house was quiet. "Gah," said Duncan.
"Yeah, baby," Toby sighed. "Gah is right."
Duncan took a while to put to sleep, but once he was out, it was like he was a sack of sand. Luckily, he was a sucker for dancing. Toby put him in the front carrier while he practiced the routines he was working up for his fifth hour seniors, and by the time he was done, Duncan was snoring, his little head lolling forward onto Toby's chest. Toby eased him out of the carrier and onto the bed.
"Pretty soon you'll be rollin' over, little man," he said, stroking his face. "Then crawlin', then walkin'... then your sister'll be doing the same." He chuckled. "Your parents are in for some busy times."
Toby glanced at his phone as the fifth text of the hour came through. "Speak of the devil," he murmured, with a thrill of excitement: Coraline Grey Ellis is here! Time of birth 8:24 pm, 6 lbs 11 oz, 19 inches - no tearing, no episiotomy, no meds. Andi is over the moon; Laurie is tired but happy. Congrats, Uncle Toby.
Toby found himself crying, and he couldn't rightly put his finger on why, but he was alone, and it didn't much matter anyway. Inexplicably, his thoughts went to Will. He wondered if he'd gotten a similar text, and if he would spot the significance of the middle name. He supposed that didn't much matter, either.
He folded himself into a ball and lay on the bed next to Duncan, with one hand on his back, feeling his shallow, quick breath, and let the tears fall.
It was nearly one in the morning when Andi and Brad stumbled in the front door, beaming through their exhaustion.
"You wouldn't believe Laurie," Andi boasted, rolling her eyes. "She actually got out of bed to get the kid out of the warmer. Said her body was a better warmer than a toaster any day. Just put her right on her chest and glared at that L&D nurse. Hah!" She gazed up at her husband. "You'd be an even better warmer, honey; you're like a fucking radiator. Too bad we couldn't grab you a bed next to her."
"Maybe I should rent myself out to the hospital," he mused, yawning. "Probably make more money doing that than teaching piano." His arms came around Toby and he hugged him tight.
"Happy birth day, Daddy," Toby said, grinning.
"You too, Uncle," Brad whispered. "She's beautiful. Wait till you see her."
"I'll go in in the morning, on the way to the airport," he assured him. "I have some presents to pass on to the proud mama." He hugged Andi next. "How's the other proud mama?"
"Fucking glad I didn't have to birth this one," Andi said with relish. "I get to play with the baby, with no postpartum depression and no stretch marks. I win." She giggled gleefully. "You should have seen the doctor's eyes pop out of his head when I took a turn nursing Cory. Blew his fucking mind."
"Dunc's sleeping in your bed," Toby said. "He was a perfect angel, of course."
"Thanks again for watching him, man." Brad yawned again. "God, I'm beat. I wish I could stay up and visit, but -"
"Don't worry your head on it," Toby said, smiling. "You're cooked. Go on to bed. I'll see myself out. We're on for Fourth of July?"
"You bet," Andi said. "The kids fly free until they're two. It'll be good to see you on your stomping grounds for a change. You'll take us to your school, right?"
"Sure thing, darlin', if you'll all agree to be guest speakers for my classes." Toby kissed them both, took one last peek at Duncan, and ducked out the door before they could convince him to stay for the night. He needed a glass of wine and some Rufus Wainwright on his iPod and time in the dark, blotting out Lima, without any reminders of why he so seldom came to visit Brad's family.
One AM was just the middle of his usual evening - he didn't generally get to sleep until four or later - and yet he felt tired. Not tired; fatigued. Like he'd done something exhausting. It certainly wasn't taking care of Duncan that had worn him out. No, it was more emotional than physical. Again he thought of Will, and that thought stayed with him while he checked in at the front desk of the Days Inn, got his key, carried his bag up the outside flight of stairs and sat in his empty room, unseeing, staring at the peeling wallpaper.
That is, until the hotel phone rang.
Toby picked it up before he thought about it. "Hello?"
The silence was brief, but it loomed before Toby, and for an instant, he wondered if he was being targeted, if this was meant to be a comment on his sexuality, but then - a strangled breath, and a word, in a voice all too familiar, even after three years of silence: "Toby."
He couldn't even say his name. He felt that if he did, the dam would break, and he would be washed away in the torrent. Instead, he asked the question he was wondering. "How did you find out I was here?"
"Laurie doesn't have much of a filter right now," Will said, and it felt so conversational, so Will, that Toby just shook the incredulity out of his eyes, took a short, sharp breath, and smiled.
"I guess I ain't too surprised at that." Toby wondered where he was - he imagined at his house. But Terri? There were too many questions. While he hesitated, Will asked one of his own.
"Are you - have you been seeing anyone?"
"Darlin' -" He heard an intake of breath over the phone, and Toby winced at his instinctive use of the word. In that moment, he decided he'd better be honest, because if Will was here again, he needed the truth of what he had to say. "I'm seeing lots of people," he said.
"Oh," Will said. The pain and disappointment in that small, twisted voice cut into Toby, and he had to give him something.
"No one... like you," he said. It wasn't quite enough, but Will let out his breath, and Toby could hear him crying.
"Toby." It was a plea, a benediction. "Can I see you?"
"Oh, Will." He closed his eyes. The crying intensified, and Toby heard him trying to muffle it. "Blow your nose, darlin'."
"You, saying my name - that does things to me."
Toby sighed. "I've always done things to you, Will."
"No, I don't mean -" Will sighed, frustrated, and changed the subject. "I was there when Cory was born."
Really. "How was it?" he said, keeping it light. He stood and twined the cord of the ancient phone in his hand, letting the cable wrap his fingers.
"Amazing," Will said. His voice shook. "I've never seen anything like it. Laurie was... so strong, Toby, she just went for it, even though it hurt. Even though it hurt so much. She didn't let it stop her from - from doing what needed to be done."
"She's a fighter," Toby said, smiling.
Toby listened to Will take a deep breath. "So, I decided, I shouldn't either."
"Shouldn't what?"
"Shouldn't let the pain stop me," Will whispered. Then, in a louder voice, "Toby, I need to see you. I need that. Please, let me come over. We don't have to - it doesn't have to -"
"Yeah," Toby said dryly. "It does. And we do. You know it, I know it, Will; let's not pretend that I don't want you as much as I did three years ago."
"You still... want me?" Will's voice had way too much hope in it now.
"What I want and what I can have, darlin'? Two different things. Ain't nothing changed between us."
"But - I'm different, Toby, I am. I've been... reading, and thinking. I've been journaling. My therapist told me -"
"You're in therapy, Will Schuester?" Toby couldn't help it. He laughed. "Well, ain't that a kick in the pants."
"I'm trying," Will said, insistant. "You deserve - everything, Toby. I want to give you... everything."
Toby's laugh dried up, and he found himself speechless.
"I want to," he said again. "I don't know... if I can. But I want you to know, I'm working on it." He pictured Will, sitting at his desk, or at the kitchen table, leaning on his hand. "Please... let me in?"
"You're already in, Will," Toby whispered. "You never left."
"No, I mean - I'm outside your door. Let me in?"
Toby started, looked at the door. He stood, and was inexorably drawn to pause before it. With reluctance, he peered through the peephole.
Will. He was worn, a little ragged, like he hadn't had enough sleep - but then, it was one in the morning. He had a day's worth of stubble, and the bags under his eyes could hold bowling balls. He was absolutely beautiful.
Toby stood on the shore of decision, knowing this was a choice, and that he got to make it. He couldn't see the future - he couldn't even see the next fifteen minutes. But he knew if he said no to Will now, he'd always regret it. I just can't be sure that I won't regret it if I say yes, too.
But then he was throwing the deadbolt, opening the door, and the hope and possibility in Will's face, it was, oh. "Will," he said, the tears starting again. "Will."
"I'm here, baby," Will said, and he was, he was right there, holding Toby in his arms. His face was steady and strong. Toby let himself fall into the ocean of Will's embrace, and they pressed their lips together as Will slammed the door shut behind him.
Will's mouth was insistent, but it wasn't until they edged backward onto the hotel mattress that Toby found himself pinned down by Will's body, under him, with the full force of Will's anger and hurt and fear crashing down on him. He whimpered. "Will -"
"Never do that again," Will hissed, holding Toby's gaze, making him dizzy with the force of his demand. "Never. Promise me. You won't run like that - not ever."
"I promise," Toby said, as much in reflexive response to Will's tone as it was an answer. But then he shook his head, and he could breathe a little, and he said it again, with feeling to match Will's: "I promise. I'll never run from you again."
"Because this - what we have, Toby - this is not going away," Will said. He broke his gaze with Toby long enough to consider his mouth, his breath coming shallow and harsh through parted lips. "You and me - this is real."
This Will was different, Toby could see already, from the Will of three years past. He was older, more worldly. He was less patient. He knew what he wanted. Toby's breath caught at the intensity of his desire. He wants me like that, Toby thought, and he felt a great rolling wave of feeling catch him and toss him against the rocks.
"It's real," Toby said, futilely struggling against Will's hands, holding him down. "Darlin,' believe me, it's real."
"I'm not playing with you, Toby," Will said. "It's the most real thing I've ever had. I can't - I can't lose you again. Not like that."
Toby shook his head, back and forth, and that, too, became a promise, as he took Will's face in trembling, sweaty hands. How did that happen? he wondered. When did Will suddenly gain the power to reduce me to a blithering idiot? "I won't go anywhere," was all he could say.
The kiss started almost chaste, the promise of it, but quickly wandered off into gasping, panting lust. "Toby," Will said, leaning into the pressure of his hand. "I missed you so much."
Toby ran his fingers through Will's curls, and mapped his face with a light touch, noting new wrinkles and laugh lines. His fingertips traced Will's right ear and found, to his astonishment, a tiny, subtle hoop earring in the tragus. "What -?"
Will's gaze was steady, oblique. "It's been a long three years," he said quietly.
"I want to hear all about it," Toby said. "All of it. Will - oh, god, Will." The last was in response to Will's teeth on his throat, biting just a little too hard, and he found himself right on the edge, his hips bucking off the bed, seeking contact with something, anything -
"I've learned things," Will said into his neck, running his hands over Toby's body, leaving traces of fire behind. "I've... done my homework." His hands lifted Toby's leg up, giving him access, and he pressed his hips up against the space between Toby's legs. Toby gasped Will's name.
"I've missed you saying that," said Will. His fingers were unzipping Toby's pants and easing them down, setting his cock free, and Will's newly confident hand was wrapped around him, touching him with sure, easy strokes. "I need you to say my name. Come on, baby, say it again."
"Will," Toby said, feeling his control slipping. "Will - god, Will, I'm coming -"
And Will, Will, who'd always shied away from the mess and slippery consequences of their teenage fumblings, smiled widely, watching Toby with clear pleasure and anticipation, and said, "Yeah, Toby, that's it - come for me."
And holy shit, did he ever.
Will waited on the bed beside him for Toby to recover his equilibrium. "I could use a sip of water," he croaked, and Will was instantly up and in the bathroom, pouring him a glass. He brought him a wet washcloth, too, and a dry towel. Toby laughed shakily, accepting the glass of water first.
"The earring," he insisted. "Will - tell me!"
Will's gaze roved over Toby's body as he wiped himself clean and took his pants all the way off, then pulled his shorts back up. "Toby," he said at last. "You've always been a - unique factor in my life. You know - what I've always said about that."
They could both hear the words ringing: I'm not gay. Neither one needed to say them. Toby nodded and sipped his water.
"I had to find out," Will said. "If that was true. If I - was attracted to other men. If they did to me what you do, then... well, that would be one thing. And if I wasn't... that would be another."
Toby waited as long as he could, and finally said, "What did you learn?"
Will's mouth curved up in a faint, but definitely self-aware smile. He didn't say anything, but smoothed the hair behind his right ear.
"Will," Toby said, pained.
"There were... other men." His gaze went long, his thoughts far away. "And... I learned what I wanted was you. No matter who else I was attracted to."
"Terri?" Toby said, and saw Will wince. Ah.
"Don't get me wrong," he said. "I love her. I just - I love you more."
"It's never been a contest, Will," Toby said, even as his heart did a self-satisfied skip and leap. He couldn't keep the emotion off his face, apparently, because Will chuckled at him.
"You love it," he said, kissing Toby. He moaned approval as Toby touched the tragus piercing. "Nobody does it for me like you do. Nobody gets me so fucking turned on, I could - do all kinds of things." He shook his head. "But that's not what I'm talking about. Or, at least, it's just a small part of it."
"You love me," Toby said, tasting the words again, for the first time in a long while.
Will nodded soberly. "I remember meeting you in fourth grade, in the lobby of the residence hall at B-W that summer. I think - I think I loved you then."
Toby let that feeling wash over him, and he closed his eyes, rocked by it. Even before the sensation was over, he made himself ask, "What about your wife, Will?"
Will didn't answer. He stroked a hand down Toby's shirt, to his shorts, and rested it on Toby's crotch. Just that gentle pressure was enough to make him stir again. "God damn," he muttered.
"Yeah," Will agreed, with feeling. "How can we deny this, Toby?"
Toby kept his eyes closed, feeling the pulse in his groin, echoing off Will's hand. "Let me get this straight," he said, trying not to let his voice tremble. "You want to stay married to Terri."
Will nodded. "It's my agreement," he said. "I'm not going to break it."
"And - me, darlin'?"
"Weekends," he said. "As often as I can get away. I want to be with you. Wherever you are."
"I'm in Denver," Toby said, and bit his lip. Apparently, he'd already made up his mind.
"Okay," Will said, with a sweet smile, and a slow, deep breath of relief. "Denver. I like Denver."
