Chapter Seven


A/N: By now, you should know that I don't own this. Don't sue. I have no money!


"Maybe blame didn't matter and people who ruined your life didn't matter to him. But maybe she couldn't get past it." –Lena from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants


Cindy

Two months had passed so far, and all I could do was pop pills now. I couldn't function without them. If I even tried to go cold turkey, I felt lost and out of my own element. I stay in this guest room all the time, and Riley has tried to get me to come out so many times that I finally snapped, telling him to give me my space. Now, I feel like a nervous wreck as my heart's increasing. I know that I should tell somebody what's going on. I know that it doesn't make any kind of sense to sit here and wait for death, but it's so close to me that I can taste it. I can just feel the way that it moves around me. I catch my breath in my throat as my heart pounds even faster, and soon, the lub dub isn't normal. It's scary. It's passing along my brain waves as I slowly but surely lose what little sense I have.

I clutch onto the blue cloth beneath me. All I can feel is the pain that builds in my chest as the world spins around me. The beige colors of the walls blur in front of my eyes as I blink, the visions of things that I see quickly leaving my own reality as I blank out. And suddenly, I don't feel anything. Nothing happens as I fall within the darkness that I don't even recognize. The bed below me is gone, and all I do is fall. I want to come back. I try to open my eyes but my brain refuses the request. And I'm lost in a world that I can't return from.

Am I dead?

I don't know. All I do is sit and wait. Then, I wait and sit. Nothing happens until later. Not until I hear the vices above me do I realize that I may never wake up. I want to cry, to run past the darkness and return to the moment where I poured the contents of the blue and red pills down my throat and allowed them to fall into the darkness. I could hear them screaming, and I wanted to say that everything was okay, but I couldn't say anything, nothing at all.

Is this death?

I keep falling until I stop, and even then I am driven to the brink of insanity. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is the fact that death is clearly imminent. Especially right now, all I can do is scream without making noise. I can grasp without reaching. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to actually make a noise of any sort. The darkness doesn't waver as I think these things. It remains.

Did I really kill myself?

I don't know that either. All I want to do is run past the path to death and towards redemption. It doesn't help that it's far too late. It doesn't help that I feel so weak and defenseless. I can only pray that I'll wake up. I can only wait. And I slip away into the darkness as I feel nothing at all.

And then, everything stops.


Pretending that things never happen always seems to be the answer- even for me. I never again mentioned the kiss to anyone, not even Caesar, and I think he understood what I was doing because he never said a thing about it again. I just wonder if I made the right choice, especially at times like this.

"Huey," I told him between clenched teeth, "Why in the hell do you have to look at me like that?"

"Like what?" He returned my glare as his voice got strangely lower, "I can't even look at you anymore?"

"I just," I moved away from my spot onto the couch, ignoring Katie's squeals from the stairs, "I just don't know what happened to us."

Huey nodded his own head and looked away from us and out of the window. Even now, he was beautiful. He was perfect, but we, together, were not. Why was I trying to hold on to what was already dwindling? I didn't know. I didn't want to know. All I knew was that it hurt. It hurt that after all of the things we had been through from the first day we met, we still ended up here. Bob Marley once said that everybody was going to hurt you and that we had to figure out who was worth suffering. I think he's right, especially now.

"Me either," Huey shook his own head as he looked back at me¸"I normally don't say things like this. I'm not normally so…"

I could finish his own sentences, even at the most awkward times, "Lost."

He nodded again as his afro swayed. I wonder how long we can stay this way before it all falls down. How can we make this work when we're always fighting? I wonder if the suffering we endure together can outweigh the small amount of suffering we'll have when we're apart.

"But couples fight," He looked back at me, trying to hide his own pain that I could see just from knowing him so well, "Isn't that normal in a way?"

"Maybe," I whispered as I noticed Katie appear in the hallway then run away, red hair floating, "Or maybe we just don't really"

"Don't say that," Huey shook his head as I looked up at him, shocked, "Because we can work this out."

"No," I whispered as the tears that threatened to fall sprang to my own brown eyes, "We can't. We really can't."

"But," Even Huey's own thoughts stopped in his tracks, "I just hate that we can't even try. Why can't we just try?"

I paused shocked at our own role reversal, "Because"

"Because what?" His voice sounded low again, almost angry but not quite. I wondered if I should tell him the truth.

"Because I love somebody," I swallowed as my words sent my stomach to a spot that made me think I was on a roller coaster, and in a way, I was, "I love somebody else."

Huey didn't say anything at first. I grew more afraid with each passing of the time. The silence was louder than his own words, and for the first time in our whole relationship, I was truly scared of what he would do.

"You," Huey shook his head before throwing his head back and laughing, "You love somebody else? And you've been cheating on me? With this somebody?"

"I almost did," I swallowed as I realize that I might not stop until all of it came out, the whole truth, "I only kissed him once."

A lamp hit the carpet as Huey's fist collided with it, but he still looked eerily calm, "And?"

"And I told him to stop, that I didn't feel anything," I looked down again, "But I was wrong."

"You were," He laughed as something else hit the ground, shattering to pieces on the hardwood floor. It was our picture, "You were wrong? You don't say, but tell me this."

I looked up at him, noticing that the tears were falling not in devastation over our break up but my own shame.

"Where the hell did you even meet this guy?" He asked me as he came closer to me, but I backed away from him.

"I can't tell you that," I realized as he got even angrier.

"You can't tell me," His eyes were angrier, "You're one of the most blunt girls I know and you can't tell me?"

"It's," I looked around him as he slammed a fist into the wall, "It's complicated, more complicated than you think it is. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry," He repeated the words as he looked at me with pure rage in his own eyes, "You're the one who's fucking sorry?"

"Huey," I told him as I looked at the hole on the wall, "I don't think that's helping matters."

"Well," He flopped back on the couch as we sat there, " I think it did, and honestly, I'd feel better if you just left."

"Huey," I began, "I'm really so-"

"Don't say it," He lifted up as he took a look at me, "Just go before I do something I might regret."

I paused and turned to look at him.

"What are you waiting for," He looked up at the ceiling, "Go."

And I opened the door just as Granddad came out of the room upstairs and flew down the steps yelling at Huey about the giant hole in the wall. And as I walked out of the door, all I could do was wonder what would happen and if I was truly wrong for doing this to Huey. Because even though I had known for a while it wouldn't work out, I had stayed. But even as I thought of this, I shook that thought out of my mind, strangely clearer now. It took two in a relationship, and as much as I hate to admit it, Huey and I both tried to work something out that we knew would never work deep down. I want to say that I didn't choose one person over another, but in a way, I didn't.

I couldn't fight with Huey anymore. I couldn't deal with any of it anymore. And as bad as I want to feel, I know full well that I'm doing better even now by walking away from the whole thing. And in a way, I didn't choose Caesar over Huey or Huey over Caesar. I just chose my sanity. I chose me.

I just can't help wondering if I made the right choice.


By some miracle, I pulled a B out of Professor Elliot's class for the semester and miraculously maintained my own valedictorian spot. It was December, now. Nobody really wanted to go outside and hung out in the hallways until the principals practically forced us to leave. I, on the other hand, was still being forced to stay due to the two weeks I had left in detention, and Huey was no where in sight. I checked my watch as I sat in the desk where I normally did, looking from my watch to the door. If he was late, we would get a whole week of extra detention.

The door slammed as he walked in, looking more pissed than usual. I guess Riley had dragged him to school from his house, again.

"Mane nigga," Riley shook his head in pure amusement, "You just got another four weeks of detention added on to your sentence."

"Whatever," Huey shrugged as he took his seat next to my own, watching me as I looked away.

I looked over at Jarod, who was in a deep conversation with Mikayla at the moment. He glanced up at me with that cocky grin on his face that I was growing to kind of love. He was cool in a way, annoying sometimes but cool. We both chose to get along, and as much as I hate to admit it, life has gotten a little better since he's come around. Well, that is, when he isn't getting on my last nerves.

"What's up, sis?" He chuckled as I rolled my own two eyes at him, "I see that you're not rocking the afro like I told ya! Yeaaaah!"

"Shut up, Jarod," I told him as I rolled my eyes.

"Damn," Jarod feigned a look of hurt, "Jazmine don't love me no more!"

"Aww," Mikayla crooned as I suddenly felt the need to yank her out of the chair next to Jarod and pull her close to me, "Poor baby."

"Baby my butt," I muttered as everybody in the detention room snickered.

"Awww," Jarod looked at me, "That's so sweet. You actually care about a man."

"Whatever," I tell him as I roll my own two eyes, realizing that I feel more relaxed in detention than when I hand out at lunch with Tasha. Then again, my stomach isn't really growling now that I've eaten. It just amazes me that everybody in here doesn't really judge me about anything. All of these people who commit crimes, and lie, and steal are more loyal than the ones who manipulate others to get what they want.

Well, everybody in here has gotten used to me except for Huey, and he even looks grumpy today. Well, he looks grumpier than normal Huey does.

"What's eating you," I turn to face him as he looks at me, a little shocked.

"Nothing," He mutters coldly, making me turn back in my own seat, "Nothing at all."

"Oh," I say before I look down as he shoots me some crazy look.

"Thanks for asking though," He shrugs as I feel a little better that his anger isn't directed towards me, "Are we working on that lab today?"

"Yeah," I nod as I shift in my seat and try to convince myself that this conversation isn't awkward, "After theater practice."

"You still act," He didn't sound convinced.

"," I looked at him as he looked down at something on his desk, "She told me to act or fail."

"Oh," He looked fairly amused at the notion, "Well, that makes sense then."

"Whatever, Huey," I told him as I grimaced at the goth girl's story.

It was then that I realized that this was the first time that I had a conversation with Huey without fighting in years.

"The days of darkness are upon us," I could hear the goth girl continue, "that's why I have heavily equipped my home with vicious guard animals, including venomous snakes and piranhas."

It was also when I realize to avoid listening to her conversations at all costs.


The minute I walk into the guest room to say what's up to Cindy, I notice that she's sleeping. But the moment I walk into the room, I notice what the problem is. She's not even breathing. Her body is just still, like she's dead. I get so scared that I begin to freak out and hyperventilate like a punk, but then, I realize that Cindy needs me to be strong for her.

I look around the room for an inhaler, but I find something else instead, a pack of Granddad's pills that went missing forever ago. I slap my forehead in astonishment as I realize that she's been popping pills. And suddenly, the realization that she might die kicks in as I start screaming at the top of my lungs.

"Granddad!" I yell at the top of my lungs, "Granddad!"

"Somebody better be dying in there," He was coming up the stairs as I looked at him, shaking my head at his wrong choice of words, "Damn, what the hell do you-"

"Call for help," I whispered as I realized that tears were springing from my two eyes, "Please, Granddad, don't let her die."

"Boy, calm down," He's trying to sound calm himself, "You'll scare Katie. Now, just stay in here with her, and we'll call the ambulance, okay?"

All I can do is nod as I look down at her. She's just so still that I wonder if she can even hear me. I still remember everything about her. I remember the day that I met her as a young silly white girl in my own eyes. I remember the day I got her busted for spray painting street signs that I actually did, and I remember our candy bar mafia days. I even remember how gangsta she was when she was younger. She lacked compassion that the average female lacked.

I remember the days that I taught her to ball when were about seven, and then, she turned around and used her game on me. She was one of the toughest girls in the league by the time I turned nine, and even then, the only way you could distract her was by bringing up any topic of her mother. Not that it worked now.

She is a true gangster. She is my queen, my life, and it's taking everything in me right now not to beg her to wake up, and I loved her. I really loved her, but she didn't know.

I thought of our first kiss after she whooped me in basketball because I was distracted by the fact that she had finally gone through puberty. I had argued her up and down until she had finally made me so frustrated that I blurted out how much I liked her. Her blonde hair had been perfect that day, hanging down her Kobe Bryant jersey that I despised so much even though she made it look perfect.

I remember the day that she let me meet her father, who had pulled me to some secret room filled with weapons unheard of, and I thought I knew every single one. He had threatened me. He was a large man too, bid and wide. He yelled so loudly that I thought that he would explode. He had pointed a finger into my rib cage that had made me back away in discomfort, and for a moment, I was out gangstered by Cindy's dad. I didn't even try to touch her for a whole week. I did not want to die because Cindy's dad had shot me down.

I remember the day that we went to the park with Katie and just chilled, teaching the young girl to play basketball. And even though Cindy had tried to stop me, I even taught her to talk a little bit of smack too. By the end of the day, the little girl was running around the park and whooping any little kid who attempted to her she wasn't the shit.

And now, all I could do was wait for her to wake up. I looked down at her pale face and cried.

"Please, Cindy," I looked down at her in case she decided to move, "Just do anything to let me know you're still here with me, mane. I can't give up on you."

She didn't move.

"Alright, baby," I took a deep breath, "I know that I haven't told you this, but I l love you okay?"

She wasn't doing anything.

"And I'm not about to let you leave me," I kept talking, "I mean you're my everything. And I'm not no bitch, but I can't let you leave me. You're C-Murph. And I can't do anything without you."

I thought that I saw her arm move a little.

"And I love everything about you, even when you whoop my ass in basketball," I told her as I heard the sirens from far away, "And I love how you a regular gangsta, and how you think you're stronger than me."

"You're not," I heard Cindy whisper below me in a whisper, "And I love you too."

I always heard that love is a crazy thing, but I never knew that the rumor was true until now.

Damn.


I was walking home from detention as I thought about the fact that I was a single man now. I had always considered the possibility that we would break up, but I never knew that we would end like this. Not with her finding somebody else and leaving me in the sunset to figure things out on my own. I can still see her with tears in her eyes, telling me how sorry she is. Why the hell would she do that? How in the hell could she love somebody else and then tell me that she's sorry? All I can do is walk home as I ponder these things as I finally step out of the jail cell that is detention and walk towards the two double doors. For once, it's strangely sunny. The sky is blue and carries a tint to it that almost makes me want to smile at the way that the trees flow throughout the world, but I don't. Instead, I walk forwards as I make my way home.

Suddenly, I get a call from Granddad and pull out my cell phone, touching the keys with my fingers before pushing down on the green button and holding it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Huey!" Granddad sounds frantic, "I need you to watch Katie!"

"What?" I winced at the thought of watching the small child. I could already see her locking me out of rooms and threats floating through the air.

"I need you to watch Katie, boy!" He yelled into the speaker as I rolled my eyes at his loud behavior, "Cindy's in the hospital!"

Well, that changed everything. I nodded even though he couldn't see my own reaction, "Where is she?"

"Oh, I'm about to drop her off with you" Granddad announced into the phone as I looked around. I didn't see him anywhere, "Just stay where you are, I can see that afro anywhere."

Just as I was about to protest, he pulled around the corner with Dorothy, his beloved car with a red paint job and a decked out inside with televisions and all complements of a certain television show that isn't really worth mentioning. He slid to a stop as his tires made a loud screeching noise, making me flinch internally.

"Well," I looked down at Granddad, "Isn't that just safe?"

"I told you about that hating, boy," Granddad shook his head, "C'mon little cutie pie. Let's go."

"Nooo!" The small girl in the back yelled, "He's mean!"

"Katie," I sighed, "C'mon I'm not mean!"

"He thinks I'm stupid!" She hollered indignantly, "he told me that me and everybody I know is gonna die!"

"Boy!" My Grandad shot me a look, "You can't go around telling little girls stuff like that. How is it that you have a girlfriend anyway if you act like that?"

"Well, for one, it's true," I looked from him to Katie, "And two, I don't have a girlfriend anymore."

"Because you're mean," Katie yelled out again as if it wasn't completely mean to tell a guy who lost his girlfriend that his meaness pushed them away.

"Sorry about that boy," He told me as he unbuckled Katie and set her next to me, "But maybe this little angel can make you feel better."

"Granddad," I began in a warning tone, "I don't think that it would be very wise to put a little girl next to me after I just punched a hole in the wall. Think about what you're about to do."

Granddad looked from me to Katie as he rubbed his chin in thought. He made many noises for a few moments as Katie flinched at my words and tried to ease her way back to Granddad. Finally, he snapped his fingers as he called himself having a brilliant idea.

"Or I can just beat yo ass if you try to beat her!" He looked at me, "How does that sound?"

"Fine then," I told him as he nodded.

"Alright," Granddad got into his car as we saw his argoyle sweater fly up and made our own faces of disgust, "See you later."

And with that, he sped off and left us behind staring at one another. Katie looked up at me and started giggling.

"Play a game with me?" She asked me as she looked up at me with her blue eyes.

"No," I shook my head, "Not right now."

"Waaaaah!" She cried out.

"We'll play as soon as we walk home, alright?" I told her before grabbing her hand and practically dragging her down the street, despite her protests as I hurried along. After all, this did look a little like kidnapping, and the girl was white. I was relieved by the time we finally made it to the door. Katie was glaring at me like Cindy would, and honestly, it was pretty intense.

I tried not to tear away from her gaze, "Yes?"

"Play, now!" She demanded as the bell rang.

"Okay," I told her, "Wait just a minute."

As soon as I opened the door, I hopped back in surprise. It was Jazmine. She had on those stupid heels and those clothes that I hated to see her wear. She also had a scowl on her face.

"Calm down, Huey," She looked at me as she revealed a bag from behind her, "I know that you hate what I wear. I brought a pair of sweats so you can calm that down, now."

"What are you doing here?" I blurted out as I looked at Katie, who was doing something in the kitchen.

"I thought we had to work on Professor Elliot's stuff, Huey?" Jazmine gave me a confused look, "Because if not, then I can honestly just go home."

"Oh yeah, I forgot," I told her honestly as she shot me a look.

"Wow," She said as she raised her own eyebrow, "That's rich. I'm going to the restroom to change."

"Ummm," I looked at Jazmine, "Okay."

As Jazmine made her way into the restroom to change, I found myself walking towards the kitchen. I saw the red headed girl immediately, surrounded by food. I looked at her, wondering what she was up to. She smirked at me in a Riley-like manner. Great, he had been training her. Then, I suddenly realized exactly what was she up to.

"Fooood Figghhhht!" The young girl yelled out.

"Katie!" I yelled, "No, Katie stop it."

An egg hit my shirt by the time I made it to the living room, and when I ducked it hit me on the head. Where in the world did she get so much aim?

"Huey, I'm..Ahh!" Jazmine hopped back as the egg hit the wall, "What was that?"

"A little monster," A muttered, "Just Katie, she's three, and I'm babysitting. I'll take care of it."

I pulled out a pellet gun as Jazmine gasped in horror, practically tackling me to get me down. A piece of chocolate cake hit the television as we fell to the ground. It slid down, the sticky icing hitting the carpet. How would I get that up?

"You can't use that on her!" Jazmine hissed, "She's three."

"It worked on Riley," I argued as she shot me a look of annoyance and aggressively snatched the gun out of my hand.

"She's not Riley," Jazmine argued, "Besides, she's a three year old girl, not a juvenile delinquent."

"She's on her way," I pushed her head back down as the three year old hurtled pieces of jello our way."

"Take that, Risey's browther!" The girl yelled, "Meanie!"

Jazmine threw her head back and laughed while I shot her a look.

"What?" She threw up her hands in defense, "You've got to admit that it's kind of funny that she calls you that."

I grabbed the pellet gun and put my finger on the trigger before hitting the ground again with Jazmine on top of my back practically wrestling the gun from my hands.

"You are not going to hit her with those bullets, Huey!" She told me as I rolled her over so that her back was on the carpet.

"She hit me!" I argued back.

"With food, Huey!" She told me as she somehow threw me across the floor with her legs, "not a bullet!"

"Then, what," I ducked as the chicken flew past me and giggles could be heard from the kitchen, "Do you want to do about her?"

"How about treating her like a three year old instead of a prisoner," Jazmine rolled her eyes as she strolled past me and into the mess like nothing was wrong, "Is Katie in here?"

It took everything within me not to strangle the child as I surveyed the kitchen.

"No!" A girlish giggle was heard from the cabinet.

Jazmine ignored the girl and opened the refrigerator , pouring herself a glass of water before sitting on the wooden chair and pretending that nothing was wrong, "I guess not."

"But I am here!" Another piece of food flew across the air.

"Because a good little girl wouldn't throw all this nice food that belongs in her tummy around her house," She shot me a look as she nodded enthusiastically, "Would she Huey?"

"Um-" I was shocked by the sweetness in her voice, "No?"

"Here I am!" Katie yelled again, but Jazmine continued to drink her water.

"Did you hear something, Huey?" Jazmine asked me.

"No," I smirked as I realized what she was doing, "No, I don't."

The cabinets opened as Katie walked out of them, her long hair bouncing as she scurried towards me. She looked up at Jazmine with a scowl on her face and a scrunched nose.

"Who are you?" She asked her.

"Jazmine," Jazmine looked at her with earnest eyes.

"Are you nice?" Katie asked her as she folded her small arms across her chest.

"I hope so," Jazmine laughed, "Are you nice?"

"Yeah!" Katie chirped as she hopped up into the seat between Jazmine and I, charmed with the girl in front of her, "You're pretty!"

"Thank you," Jazmine smiled at her, "So are you."

Katie beamed.

"Well, I think we should clean up now," I announced as Katie shot me a look.

"He's mean," Katie told Jazmine who gave me a knowing look and shook her head before turning back to Katie.

"What makes you think that?" Jazmine asked her as she placed the glass in the sink like she had been doing it forever.

"He said," Katie took a deep breath, "That me and everybody I know is going to die. And he said that the world is going to end!"

"Huey!" Jazmine shook her head, "Why would tell her that?

"It's the truth," I told her as I grabbed some towels and a sponge to clean up the mess, "You know that."

"But you can't take her innocence away from her," Jazmine grabbed another sponge from the cabinet, "That's just wrong."

"And mean!" Katie yelled.

"Are there any other words in your vocabulary other than mean?" I looked at Katie.

"Punk!" She shouted.

"Now, Katie," Jazmine looked at her with some strange maternal expression that I definitely didn't possess, "I don't think that was very nice. Do you?"

"No," She said as she hung her head down.

"Now apologize," Jazmine ordered.

"Don't worry about it," I grimaced as the little girl came towards me, lifting from the floor I had just scrubbed, "I don't like apologies."

"Kay!" Katie smiled as she skipped back to the chair she was in.

1 hour later…

Katie was asleep and we had somehow finished our homework in time for her to actually go home early. She looked up at me with those green eyes again, and I wondered how she could really act the way she did at school.

Either way, I owed her for what she did with Katie. If not, both Katie and I could be in the hospital.

"Thanks, Jazmine," I told her as she left.

"No problem," She smirked as she took my gun from my pocket and walked down the street, "See you in class tomorrow!"

I realized that I was actually looking forward to it.


And that was chapter seven…

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