Winding Memories
The Night is for Longing
Luka walked into his empty apartment. Dropped his keys on the kitchen table. Made his way to the sink where two plates still remained in standing water. In their rush to the hospital, they'd left them. He turned the hot water on to finish the job they'd started together. Together . . . There it was. The unpleasant feeling that had been washing over him since he left the ER tonight. Well . . . since those words left her mouth. Maybe we should just leave it at that then . . .
He should have just . . . told her. Said . . . what he really wanted. Leave at that? How could he do that now? After the way he felt last night . . . making love to her. How could . . . she? How was he supposed to go to work every day, pretend that he didn't . . . want her. She would be dating. He cringed. How could he . . . go through that again? Feeling sick at the very thought of it. Another man wanting her . .. touching her. He shook it off. Couldn't deal with it tonight.
He turned off the water, leaving the dishes to dry on their own. Made his way to the refrigerator, realizing he hadn't eaten since this morning . . . well . . afternoon . .. with her. He glanced at the contents on the shelves. Nothing looked remotely appealing. A bottle of ketchup sat off to the side. There it was again. That feeling. . .. He sighed, shutting the door. Food wasn't what he wanted . . . or needed tonight.
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He didn't know what to do with himself. He wandered around the apartment, looking for something, anything to distract him. She'd been here just one night, but already . .. he missed her. Kneeling down, he scanned his CD collection. Found the one he was looking for. He popped the disc in and flipped to the track he wanted. Stretching out on the couch, he closed his eyes, as Jewel began to sing.
I hear the clock, it's 6 am .. . I feel so far from where I've been . . . I got my eggs and my pancakes too .. . I got my maple syrup, everything but you . . .
He had told her the friendship was important to him and . . . it was. He was .. scared. Scared of losing that. What if they got together again . . couldn't make it work. What if she wasn't in his life at all . . .
Cause . . . dreams last so long . .. Even after you're gone . . . I know, that you love me . . . And soon you will see . . . You were meant for me . . . And I was meant for you . . .
He hummed softly along to the music, throwing one of the pillows from the couch up in the air, and then catching it. What if it did work? What if they could have both . . .
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead . . . I try and tell myself it'll be all right . . . I shouldn't think anymore tonight . . .
He knew what he wanted. Did she?
And I know, that you love me . . . And soon I know you will see . . . You were meant for me . . . And I was meant for you . . . Yeah, you were meant for me . . . And I was meant for you.
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He brushed his teeth, then slipped out of his shirt and jeans. Crawled into bed. Buried his face in the pillow where her head had been resting. He took in a deep breath. The soft floral scent of her hair still lingered.
He rested his head on her pillow. Looked at the rumpled state his sheets were in. Nice? She didn't seem to think it was nice when her nails were digging into his back. It wasn't nice when she woke him up at dawn .. her kisses moving further down his torso . . . The word nice never left her mouth as she gasped and moaned . . . begging him to stop teasing her. Maybe she needed a dictionary. He grinned.
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He couldn't sleep. Taking off his boxers, he stepped into the shower. Thought the hot water might relax him. It didn't. He couldn't stop thinking about her. What they'd be doing in this shower had she agreed to a ride home tonight. He shook his head and switched the faucet. Gasped as the ice cold water hit him. He cringed, then sighed. It had to be done.
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He'd gotten chilled. He lay under the sheets and comforter, shivering. His hand reached over and caressed her pillow. The dreaded feeling once again washed over him. He had only felt this way one other time . . .
Danjiela didn't come to school one day. He had walked to her house. Wanted to make sure she was ok. Her father let him in, called for Danjiela to come down. He could tell she'd been crying. Her father told her to be quick about it. She had taken him by the hand and led him outside.
Then . . . she told him. Her father wasn't allowing her to see him anymore. He had decided they had gotten too close. Said no good could come of it. That if it kept up, Danjiela would no doubt . . lose her virtue. Luka had pleaded with her. Said they would be careful. Meet secretly. It was no use. She said she couldn't . . . wouldn't disobey her father. He walked away, but looked back. She was already inside. Just like tonight . . .
That night .. . he had no interest in supper. He laid on his back in the grass. Stared up at the stars. His father eventually came out. Laid down next to him. Told him whenever Luka was ready, he was there to listen. It was quiet for a long time, then . . he was ready.
Luka ran his fingers through his damp hair. Smiled as he remembered the advice his father gave him that night.
He had told his father that he had to accept that this was what Danjiela wanted. His father frowned, asked if he really believed Danjiela didn't want to be with him. He had shrugged, said he thought she did. Then, he asked what Luka felt. And . . he told him. Told him about the terrible feeling of sadness . . of loss . . of wanting her . . that wouldn't leave him. His father smiled softly. Told him that feeling was called . . longing. He went on to tell him that longing doesn't usually go away. That it's best not to fight it . . .
The next morning, he knocked on Danjiela's front door. Her father ushered him out. Said this was no longer allowed. Luka stood up straight. Told the man of his decision. The older man regarded him thoughtfully. After several minutes he turned, walked to the house and told Danjiela she had a guest.
As they laid on a blanket, looking up at the clouds, Danjiela turned to him and asked how he did it. How had he changed her father's mind. He had smiled, told her of his promise. That they would wait until their wedding night. Tears had formed in her eyes as she buried her head in his chest. He stroked her hair. Told her he knew he could deal with almost anything. But not . . . longing.
He looked out the window, saw the stars in the sky, and took a deep breath. The longing wouldn't last this time either. He grinned. Abby would be back in his arms soon enough. He would make sure of it.
