Chapter 8
"Mother I really can do this for myself." Maura was trying to pull her shirt over her head and wincing in pain.
"I can see that. Look how much pain you are in. If you let me help there wouldn't be any pain at all. You're as stubborn as…" She stopped mid sentence and looked up at Maura.
"You can say her name around me mother. I'm not going to fall to pieces." Maura allowed her to help with her shirt because doing it herself hurt like hell.
"That's better than Jane was yesterday. I've never seen someone in so much pain. She truly loves you and regrets what she did. And I think she's learned her lesson."
"This isn't about teaching Jane a lesson Mother. I would never be that cruel. I would love nothing more than to call Jane and fall back into the routine we had. But some things have to change before that's going to happen, things I still need to think about. Don't you think this is killing me to? I need her so much but I needed her a week ago and she ran away. I need to know that won't happen again. I need time to figure out if I can trust her to not do it again. Or If I can even trust myself to love again." At that she sat down in the chair and started to cry. "I know I did nothing wrong but I feel so dirty. I've taken 4 showers in two days and I can't seem to get rid of the feeling. I feel so damaged, mentally, physically and emotionally. If I was so wrong about Ian how can I be sure about anyone?"
"Jane isn't just anyone Maura. Other than a week ago has Jane ever let you down? How did you put it? Has she ever not had your back? Was this the first time she encountered a past paramour?" Maura nodded her head. "But in every other situation she's been there right? Don't you think if she had known what was happening she wouldn't have been there to do her best to stop it from happening? She would have killed Ian rather than let him take you and you know that." She watched Maura's eyes and saw the truth there. She was a broken woman. But she knew she was strong enough to be pieced back together and she thought Jane was the woman that could help her the most.
"I know that Mother and I'm surprised she hasn't done it yet." Maura smiled a sad smile.
"The day's not over yet darling." Constance gave Maura a genuine smile which caused Maura to smile back at her. "Are you ready to go home now?"
"Yes Mother I am." Before they could walk out of the room Jan showed up with a wheel chair. "Were you just sitting outside the room waiting and listening?"
"What do you mean? I was just coming to get you to head out of here. You ready?" Jan placed the wheel chair in front of her for her to sit in. "Don't bother saying you don't need it, you know the policy. Sit your butt down so I can get rid of you."
"Gladly." She sat in the chair. "Especially since you are going to speak to me in such a manner." She turned and smiled up at Jan. "Let's go."
Constance walked beside the chair the same as she had only a couple of months before when Maura had been released after her last kidnapping ordeal but the atmosphere is markedly different. The last time Jane and Maura were embarking on the beginning of their life together, this time Jane was nowhere in sight and Maura was solemn. Constance ran ahead to open the car door for Maura then waited until she was buckled in to turn to Jan with a questioning glance.
"She called twice last night and once again this morning and I gave her a complete update both times. I hate to see what this is doing to the two of them. They belong together and Jane could really be good for Maura at a time like this but that's something Maura will have to realize on her own. Take care of her ok?"
"I will until Jane can take over. Thank you Jan you are a good friend and Maura needs all she can get right now." Constance turned back and climbed behind the wheel.
"Why do I feel there's a conspiracy going on behind my back?" Maura asked as her mother started the car.
"I was just asking if there was anything special I needed to do to take care of you." Constance kept her eyes facing forward hoping Maura couldn't see the lie in her eyes.
"We covered that before I left Mother. How many times did Jane check on me?" Maura turned to her mother with a small smile.
"Twice last night and once this morning. She really cares for you Maura." Constance took a quick look at Maura.
"I know she does and as I told you this is not about whether we love each other, because we do, it's whether we love each other enough to survive this. I can hardly stand for anyone to touch me. I cringe when someone gets too close and I jump at loud noises. I have to get past that before I can expect anyone else to understand it. Every five minutes I want to take a shower because I don't think I'll ever feel clean again. I have to figure this out and I thinksome extensive therapy is in my future and I can't ask Jane to wait while I pull myself together."
"I know you won't ask her and you don't have to but she will be waiting, maybe not so patiently but she'll wait. This is killing her."
"Whose side are you on Mother?" She said it with a smile to take the sting out of it. "Since when are you Jane's champion? I know she'll wait but I will never ask it of her. I love her so much my heart is breaking but I need to fix myself before I can fix us. I know I don't have to do it alone but some of it I have to. If you want to keep Jane updated I don't care. You and Angela can call her ten times a day I don't care."
Constance reached over and patted Maura knee. "We will dear." They were silent for the rest of the drive home and Constance ran around the car to help Maura out and Maura allowed it because even though it was early afternoon she was quite tired. When they walked in the house Maura was surprised when Jo came running to greet her. She felt a leap in her heart thinking Jane might be there so she looked around the house and saw no sign of her. She looked up with a questioning look at Constance. "She chose to stay here when Jane tried to get her to leave.
She thought about what that must have done to Jane. That had to have felt like the ultimate betrayal. Not only had Maura turned her back on her but Jo did too. "Oh Jo you should be with Jane, she's your mommy not me. She needs you right now."
Jane thought she could keep you company. Are you hungry? I can fix you something to eat."
"Not right now. I think I'm going to lie down for a little while, but thank you." She headed for her room without looking back. She entered her room and felt the emptiness right away. She sat down on the bed and that put her face to face with the empty side of the closet. She remembered when she moved her clothes out of there to make room for Jane's and the loving look Jane had given her when she told her it was her half. The reality of the situation hit her and she buried her face in her hands and cried. "Oh Jane I need you so badly." She reached for her phone but stopped herself from dialing. "I need to do this for myself and by myself." She went into the bathroom and ran herself a bath and decided to pamper herself. She stripped off her clothes and lowered herself into the warm water and laid her head back and took a deep breath. That's when she smelled it. She smelled Jane, or to be more precise the soap and lotion Jane used. It was everywhere. It both calmed and saddened her. She felt as if Jane was with her and that gave her strength but it also made her want her even more. She closed her eyes and for the first time since Ian abducted her she thought about Jane without thinking if she had stayed things would have been different.
She put herself in Jane's shoes for the first time. She thought back to all of the times she had been so jealous of Casey being able to touch and hold Jane and how many excuses she made to avoid being with them having to watch them. How many times had Jane come to her after a date and she had been secretly happy when it didn't go good? Was she angry because Jane told Dean about Paddy Doyle or because she'd slept with him? How on the few occasions they did double date she'd wished she were the one lavishing the attention on Jane and she were the one going home with her at the end of the date. She thought back to the night Ian had shown up and wondered how she would have felt had it been her in Jane's shoes. She probably would have left but she never would have turned her phone off. But Jane did not think with her head as Maura did, she thought with her heart. Her heart told her Maura preferred Ian to her and she ran. The last time Ian had been there she had told Jane he was the love of her life and the topic had never come up again. She thought she could understand why Jane did what she did but why did she turn her phone off?
She remembered going to work the next day expecting to see Jane and explain everything but she was nowhere in sight. She found out she had called in and taken the week off and she was torn between being angry or being hurt. It turned out to be a little of both but mostly angry. She'd finished the only autopsy for the day and went out to sit on the back dock like she did when she needed time to think and get some fresh air and that was when Ian grabbed her. She had forgotten that he knew about her little habit of sneaking out to the dock. They had even met there a couple of times to transfer the drugs she had gotten for him and they exchanged quite a few heated kisses. Deep down she knew she'd blamed Jane for everything that had happened to her and now realized how wrong she had been. Jane could not protect her every minute of every day, although she tried. She knew she loved Jane but could she allow her into her life when she had so much more baggage than she had before? Would Jane be patient enough through what she knew was going to be a very hard recovery if she ever recovered?
She finally climbed out of the tub and dried off. Not bothering to dress she climbed into the bed and it to smelled of Jane. She held the pillow that Jane used and pulled it tight so she could inhale the scent that was uniquely Jane. She wondered if Jane had slept here last night. She moved over to Jane's side of the bed and curled up and fell asleep hugging her pillow. It was still light out when she woke feeling a little more rested but still not quite herself. She combed her hair and decided she was hungry. She headed out to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and saw the empty spot that had always held Jane's beer and knew she was going to last very long without her.
"Do you want me to make you something?" She jumped at the sound and immediately cowered in fright. Angela ran over to her and wrapped her in her arms. "Oh Maura I am so sorry. How could I have been so stupid? I'll make sure to make more noise when I come in next time." She walked Maura out to the couch and sat her down next to Constance who had entered with her. "Take care of her while I make something to eat." She turned and walked away muttering to herself. "Stupid Angela, that's all she needs is someone scaring the crap out of her in her own home." She whipped up an omelet and brought it out to Maura. "Once again Maura I am so sorry I scared you. Maybe I'll go buy a bell or something and start wearing that."
Maura smiled up at her. "That won't be necessary Angela. How about doing what Frankie does? Slam the door when you come in so I know you're here."
"I'm going to have a talk with that boy, he should not be coming in without waiting for you to answer the door."
"Oh he hasn't since he caught Jane and I in a…shall we call a compromising position? He saw Jane as no brother should." Maura laughed at the memory. "I think he still blushes when he sees us together. That's a memory that will stay with him for a very long time and Jane loves to remind him at every opportunity just to watch him blush." Maura had a dreamy look on her face and both mothers exchanged a hopeful glance. "Oh Angela this is a wonderful omelet, not as good as Jane's but good none the less. Thank you." She smiled at Angela.
"Are you telling me Jane cooks better than me?" Maura looked to see if she was serious and saw the twinkle in her eye and nodded. "Good. I'm glad she soaked up some of the things I taught her. I made her spend so much time with me in the kitchen so she better have learned something. And it nice to know she cooks for you. She never did for anyone else. She never let them stay around long enough."
Maura felt her heartbeat accelerate at the thought and knew she was lost. She still had some things to work out before she could make the move to let Jane back in but she knew she would let her back in sooner rather than later. "She adds things I would never have thought of adding to spice things up or give it a special flavor. And she won't tell me what she adds because she says I'll keep her around as long as she keeps it a secret. Little does she know I'd keep her around even if she couldn't boil water."
The three of them sat and watched TV for a few hours and once again Maura realized how much Jane added to just something as mundane as watching TV. She would yell at the TV if she didn't agree with what had been said or if it was a ball game she would be up yelling at the umpire. She was so animated and Maura missed that. "I think I am going to retire for the night and maybe catch up on my reading." She leaned over and kissed Angela on the cheek. "Thank you for everything." Then she turned to her mother and kissed her cheek too. "Thank you Mother, it's nice having you here and I'm glad you're here for me to confide in. I love you."
"I love you too darling, sleep tight." Angela and Constance watched as she slowly walked down the hallway to her room.
"How much you want to bet she calls Jane tomorrow?"
"Angela are you asking me if I want to bet on my daughter's love life?" Constance turned and saw the huge grin on Angela's face.
"Yeah. Twenty bucks says she calls her tomorrow." Angela loved playing with Constance to see how far out of her comfort zone she could push her.
"I say she wait at least 2 maybe 3 more days." She surprised Angela by holding out her hand to shake on their bet.
"You're on." Angela shook the offered hand then stood up to head back to the guesthouse. See you in the morning."
"Goodnight Angela." Constance headed to the guest room but couldn't help but hear Maura crying in her own room. As hard as it was she continued to her room deciding Maura needed to work on this herself.
