Disclaimer: once again I don't own the rights to the twilight saga but this is a story of my own making. =P
Author's Note: Sorry that I hadn't posted as soon as I wanted to it is just that I have all this stuff to organise for university and then I started college which was totally new to me but I didn't forget about this story so don't fret! My OCD wouldn't let me if I tried despite long gaps inbetween writing I don't plan on ceasing unless I have finished the story! And then on top of that I had my first batch of half semseter exams then semseter finals which I finished yesterday! So hopefully in this semester break I will be able to write more.
And thanks so much for just letting me know that some of you enjoy my story/want me to keep on writing; it makes it so much easier to write when you feel like even one person out there is enjoying it. Thank you! =]
Chapter Seven
"Edward! Edward!" A high pitched, frantic voice screamed, causing my eyes to pop wide open. I sat bolt upright as if a million volts of electricity had just surged through my lower back.
It took me less than a second to realise that it was me who had been screaming his name. Another four seconds to realise that it was morning, (3:42am by my watch) and that I was in my bedroom. Then another five to realise I was drenched in sweat and panting like a sled dog.
Fuzzy memories concerning Jacob and yesterday came flooding back as I peeled my now very baggy pyjamas off my back and placed them carefully in the laundry hamper, which I closed with the lid evenly aligned, before shakily stepping onto the bathroom scales. My muscles ached as I did so, but I didn't notice, I was too preoccupied with remembering what I had been dreaming about.
I always remember my dreams, I never forgot, granted sometimes I would need to briefly think about it to remember the jest of it but not today it seemed; today my dream's story remained elusive. This troubled me slightly but not enough to continue pondering it.
Ninety eight point six pounds finally, after an agonising whole second came into focus.
It was a loss but for some reason I didn't feel my usual buzz of happiness I just felt relieved that it wasn't a gain, if I really thought about it I would realise I was subconsciously disappointed that it wasn't more but my sleepy mind reverted to autopilot as I went about getting changed into my exercise gear and warming my muscles before stepping outside into the pouring rain; ninety minutes of jogging on muddy tracks through the forest here I come.
Thankfully Jacob had went home last night otherwise he would see me like this and think that I was nuts for wanting to jog out in the rain but peculiarly I wasn't too sure if I actually wanted to be out here. The rain was icy it was probably 50 degrees and my muscles were tired before I even began to warm up. It almost reached my conscious thought that I no longer wanted to be out here expelling energy I didn't have, I actually needed to be out here lest the sky came tumbling down on my sodden hair that whipped me every stride I took. Maybe I am nuts...
Oh but you do want to be here, no one will love you otherwise, and they will leave you otherwise...
Once I got home I felt colder than ice and hurriedly shivered my way into the bathroom once more. I still had loads of time until I would have to walk to school which I was thankful for as I slipped off all my clothes and despite my body's incessant voice harping on about warmth I made sure the lid on the laundry hamper was perfectly aligned before turning the shower on and gasping out from the heat.
The boiling shower was a slice of heaven and a slice of hell. Heaven was all the delicious warmth being reabsorbed by my paled skin and replacing the slight blue tinge with pink. Hell, on the other hand was finding out just how cold I really was; the first drops of water were like knives slicing into my skin and then having to get out after finally rinsing the conditioner from my hair was almost equally as bad. I was cold once more even after drying my hair and getting dressed for school in my size zero skinny jeans and a baggy grey top over a navy blue thermal long-sleeved top; the thermals seemed necessary for some reason but my achy body was somewhat thankful for the reprieve.
You are weak.
School was frustrating. My concentration was that of a two year old before I had even begun my first class and it came in waves like on the beach when the tide changed; some classes I was perfectly normal the others I felt dumber than a dunce. It was exhausting and frustrating I have had days in the past where my concentration had wanned but that was only when I was sick or really preoccupied with something that my teenage brain deemed important.
For some reason or another I realised that my concentration had been getting progressively worse but my mind came up blank with the start of or the reason for this as I sat in the library at lunch trudging through my math homework like it was thicker than concrete; somehow I finished it just after the halftime bell. This was lucky as Angela had just walked into the library looking around pointedly until her eyes found mine; she made a beeline for me.
"Hey Bella, I thought I might find you up her, studying of course," Angela said emphasising the word studying in an almost accusing tone, almost like it was a bad thing to try and study, to better myself.
You must be better.
"Hey. I need to study at lunch otherwise I would never finish it all at home." I added that last part, it felt like an excuse and a reason at the same time. I smiled a genuine smile for Angela's benefit anyway.
Because you are too stupid to finish it and who says you deserve lunch anyway?
"Chill Bella, I just came to remind you that our first netball match is on this week, Friday, and the coach wants us to attend all practices. I think she is determined for our team to win at least once this season, or any season," Angela half laughed half sighed the last part.
"At least it is a home match so we are used to the field. When is it on, Ch- my dad wants to come and watch," I rolled my eyes embarrassed for Charlie having to sit through netball because he thought he had to as a father; Angela giggled at my expression, flicking her long hair back over her shoulders.
"It is on the last period when we normally have sport. I think our whole class is being made to watch but hardly anyone will show up, hopefully. Anyways you should come and sit with us at the table; we don't want to lose you again..."
"Don't worry this is what keeps me sane so you guys don't lose me again," I smiled actually meaning what I said, studying seemed to really make me feel better in a sick unnatural way but it seemed to be keeping me grounded so I didn't care that it once would be out of character for me to say let alone think or feel that.
I pretended to still be writing in my math book until I was certain Angela had left before letting out a breath. I knew I was nervous about the upcoming match but I also felt uncomfortable with the whole social exchanging of words. Being alone at lunch in the library was comforting and let me be by myself to study, do as I wish and avoid the canteen. Why I was so intent on avoiding the canteen I wasn't sure but a feeling in the pit of my stomach like a black raven in the recesses' of my mind, in a sense forebode me from going there; it was strange and had silently crept up on me, and just now I began to realise something had changed but who said I had to acknowledge this anyway?
The evil, the raven, waits in a haunting manor, taunting, tricking, trapping, dooming...
Ten minutes later the bell rang and I scooped up all my books; I felt like I should carry them rather than use a locker because it made me feel less lazy, it also burned more kilojoules, so that is what I decided to do from now on.
Being lazy is morally sinful and you don't want to be immoral.
I then headed to biology. This made me feel sad, saying or if you want to be more accurate, screaming, Edward's name out loud when I awoke this morning had brought a bunch of pain I had pedantically tried to hide from myself to no avail but at least it made it easier to function, when it was a painful haze rather than this sharp, defined source emanating from the hole in my chest.
Today it seemed that we were going to be working on the human body which lightened my mood a bit. The human body would be a breeze; I already knew most of the stuff you had to learn so I sat back in my chair and lazily arranged my books and pencil case on the desk before me as Mr Varner began prattling on about the course outcomes in the topic. I sighed, if only the work was mildly challenging then I wouldn't find it so hard to rein in my dwindling concentration.
The only topic listed on the white board that pertained any hope of holding my interest was the second last topic, that wouldn't be investigated for another few weeks; it was a topic concerning enzymes which translated roughly to learning about the digestion of food and metabolising energy.
Today we would just be discussing the anatomy and introducing ourselves to the topic we also received an assignment that wasn't due until after the last topic, obviously the teacher was hopeful that people would actually hand their assignment in on the due date, but that was wasted hope, every teenager can be a master at procrastination. For me it made me smile knowing that I could grab another easy A, hopefully an A+ if I was lucky and worked really hard.
After that I let my mind wander into its haze of non-attentiveness and I sat back in my chair staring out the window trying to avoid my eyes raking over the empty spot beside me that represented in a physical sense the emptiness I felt inside myself.
"Miss Swan!" Mr Varner barked causing me to jump.
"Present," I lazily replied in a quiet voice; the class giggled in response and I felt my face flush pink.
"The roll was called at the beginning of class. Coach Clapp has requested that you head down to the indoor courts now." Mr Varner said whilst reading off a crumpled piece of paper and motioning with his pointed finger at the door.
I smiled in embarrassment once more before pilling my books and pens into my bag, not bothering to put all the pens and pencils back in the pencil case which left me feeling uneasy but I quickly told myself that was the nerves leading up to the netball match.
Angela was waiting for my in the corridor and we jogged in silence to the gym where the rest of the team was waiting outside listening to Coach Clapp attempt to raise team moral.
Angela and I, and probably other members of the team rolled their eyes, sharing a look between each other; we knew that all the girls on our team were exceptional players but no matter how good we were cooperation eluded us.
Surprisingly everyone even the quiet girls like Angela or myself, had a competitive edge which took over in varying intensities during a game, that never bode well for a win in a team orientated sport when the members were competing against the opposing team and themselves. I sighed and resigned myself to marching into the girls' locker room to my corner where Angela followed and the rest of the team dispersed into pairs or threes to get changed.
As I pulled my shirt then my thermals over my head I stole a glance at the bodies around me. Some made me smile because I knew I was slimmer and more noticeably toned but that smile was always wiped clean off my face as I saw the select few that were smaller than mine and more toned and the only two that seemed to fit were Lauren and Angela.
This hurried me into changing one half at a time. I pulled my uniform over my head so to hide the tops of my thighs from view, before pulling off my shoes and skinny jeans. When had I become so self conscious about my body? When I knew I could never look like those select two I did not know but I was and that is what I seemed to be acting upon now.
You are disgusting and unworthy of showing your body to others that is why but don't worry it will be better I promise.
"Woa, Bella, have you lost weight? I swear your uniform was tight on you before," Lauren asked in amazement, which broke me out of my reverie. I shrugged for one I didn't know what to say to that two Laurens tone implied she was impressed/curious which she never was around me; this shocked me so much I paused almost too long to be socially acceptable.
Was she implying that I was disgustingly too big for my uniform before? Or was she just marvelling at what I hoped would become the new me some day? At the moment it was just my hard work that I saw in the change room mirrors.
"Yeah a bit I guess," I mumbled softly realising everyone on the team was looking at me; it has become quite unheard of that Bella Swan talks to people ever since that night.
I swallowed and nodded my thanks as everyone predictably commented on how skinny I was and how jealous they were before the conversation in the changing room predictably went to the subject of bodies and their flaws that only the beholder seemed to notice and/or care about; I felt at home in this conversation and could for once in a very long time join in with the rest of the girls whining about this and that and the diets/exercises they had half barely tried in what I knew as a vain attempt at fixing what everyone had.
I however knew that I was different somehow but I couldn't work out why my concerns seemed so genuine, I needed to get rid of the bits on my body that I couldn't take my eyes off every time I passed my reflection, that however I did not voice for something stopped me knowing that if I ever told anyone about this bad things would happen.
Yes bad things would happen.
Luckily I was saved by Coach Clapp's shrill whistle beckoning us out of the change rooms. I subtly looked at myself in the mirror as everyone went outside and saw that despite my uniform being an extra-extra small and being the only person on the team wearing that size, it wasn't tight on me at all anymore, it wasn't baggy on me either but as Lauren had not so subtly pointed out it was noticeably bigger on me; this I did smile about, I felt proud of myself as I gave one last twirl to admire the small gap between my thighs when I put my knees together that had never been there before.
You should be proud you have worked hard and are still working hard, one day you too will be worthy of love and when that day comes it will be more than just a small gap in your legs or an A on your report card to be proud about.
"Swan get a move on I can't have you playing Centre if this is how slow you are going to be!" Coach Clapp barked at me in a stern voice which snapped me out of it, whatever it was; stupid concentration.
"Sorry Coach won't happen again," I shouted back before running to join the rest of my team doing warm up exercises.
The other team must have only just got here because they too were warming up on the opposite end of the court. For the first time this afternoon I felt butterflies weakly fly around in the pit of my stomach as the realisation that in less than fifteen minutes I will be playing my first high school netball match on a team of people who once and probably still do fear for their safety whenever I participate in sport.
I gulped they all knew I was still a klutz outside of netball so what if I am terrible now and everything will be ruined because of me?
"Earth to Bella we have to go take position on court now before the coin toss," Angela gently said to me lowering her voice as she continued, "Are you alright Bella you seem to be-"
"Yeah I am fine Angela my concentration just hasn't been at its best today. You know how it is with schoolwork sometimes," I gushed out trying and succeeding at averting her worries from me; at times like now I didn't like how she could be so perceptive it made me feel strangely defensive as if I was doing something really bad which I knew I wasn't, well I think...
Is it so wrong to better yourself Bella Swan?
The opposing team looked strong, stronger than ours mainly because they seemed more attune with one another or because of the impressive air about them. But I largely put it down to the player with a big 'C' on her back and front looked a million times fitter than me. She was perky, had braces, pale red hair and brown eyes that smiled too friendly at us, us being my team. She was also four inches taller than me which was unusual for a centre court player. She was named Mel.
Mel and I took our position on court; the sound of the wings feet squeaking on the court, battling it out behind the respective centre court lines for the best position, was blocked out as I willed my eyes on the ball in Mel's hands; the opposition had won the coin toss and were first in position of the ball. I felt shaky and the butterflies in my predominantly empty stomach flew around like kids on crack. Even my vision felt slightly shaky but I put it down to nerves and stood poised ready for the shrill whistle to sound, not noticing the few of my classmates or Charlie standing to the side of the court.
Within a second and a half of the whistle being blown Mel launched the ball at the opposing WA (Wing Attack), and I felt my body react instinctively to intercept, our WD (Wing Defence) ran in the opposite direction being fooled by a clever feint left than right than right again leaving our WD running left.
I felt like electricity was pulsating through my fingers as the ball mad contact with them. The electricity travelled to my feet securely planting them on the ground, (in netball you can't walk with the ball). I looked around at our goal circle Lauren was bolting around the two defence players on her, Angela waited in the goal circle being careful not to leave the perfect position.
It had only been four seconds into the game as I shoulder passed the ball to Lauren whom quickly chest passed it to the left side of the goal circle in anticipation of me being there. I caught it and then lobbed it to Angela with such power and speed that the GK (Goal Keeper) defending Angela and the GD (Coal Defence) had not time to intercept.
My whole team seemed to be holding their breath as Angela rocked back on the balls of her heel before taking aim then jumping simultaneously as she shot. And scored!
The team felt uplifted by this but our WA and WD were so poor that by the end of the second quarter the team was ahead; twenty to six.
Now this put everyone's competitive nature into varying degrees of intensity, mine becoming lower as each second past, guilt seemingly overwhelmed me; it had to be my fault somehow, I wasn't good enough.
My concentration also lowered and I lost the small grip on it that I had since the beginning of the match just as the ball sailed towards me. Everything was quite the shouts from my team seemed too distant to be real; the crowd itself had stopped making noise a long time ago as noise ebbed away from my ears.
I drew in a breath that didn't seem to satisfy my lungs making my legs shaky and my arms too heavy to move fast enough; my arms had no hope of allowing me to catch the ball; it was coming closer...
My heart was beating louder and louder in my ears as the surroundings became softer and quieter.
I blinked and my eyes closed.
"Bella the ball! ..." a voice called too far away to know whom it was but sounded so familiar.
"Bella move now!" the voice growled and I shuddered with pleasure, well that is what I think it is but that feeling is too alien to tell.
My eyelids reopened in that one blink to see the ball less than a centimetre from my face. I sucked in a raged breath as the ball made contact with my face hitting my nose first then sending a shock wave that seemingly jolted my head backwards with my neck in pursuit; the force put me off balance sending my pitiful body to the ground.
Things went fuzzy then grey then blank.
"Bella can you hear me? ... Bella!" a very familiar voice shouted with the volume of a whisper. I tried to open my eyes but everything was hazy and they kept dropping without my consent.
"Char-ree?" I gurgled out realizing spit had pooled at the back of my throat.
Charlie stood over me with a concerned expression that went in and out of focus. I swallowed; it felt like a lead bowling ball rolling down my mouth in slow motion. Things started to clear in my vision.
A hand was supporting the back of my head and slowly helped me sit up which made the world spin. I gagged then dry heaved to the side; there wasn't enough in me to bring up.
"I feel really tired," I gasped out every breath trying to sound understandable.
"It's okay sweetie I'll take you home," Charlie said his voice sounding slightly relieved, "can you stand honey?"
"Yerr, maybe, I'll try," I said in an audible whisper as I attempted to stand but found myself leaning heavily on Angela who was standing behind me, I guess I couldn't stand after all.
My cheeks flooded with blush as I looked sheepishly at Charlie whom frowned before coming to my right side and Angela to my left to start the shaky fuzzy journey to the car.
"Bells do you need a hospital? Or at least a doctor? You look very pale." Charlie said as we made our way up the drive to our front door.
The car ride was nauseating and my motivation to reply was wanning exponentially fast.
"No!" I almost shouted but something stopped me saying that it was a bad idea. It might arouse suspicion. Instead I quickly said that I hadn't slept and that I was just really tired which didn't completely convince Charlie as I made my way more steadily to the kitchen.
"See I can walk and everything Dad it is just that I really wanted to study for an assignment the past few nights and just have been neglecting my body's needs. I am fine just exhausted ... and really thirsty," I even managed a smile up at him which had the desired effect of softening his features and allowing me to breathe easy knowing that I had convinced him and all that may result from this was a brief lecture on life-study balance and a day off school.
After rummaging in the kitchen for a few minutes Charlie left for work saying that if I should need anything just call. I literally sighed like in the cartoons as I heard the door close and his cruiser back out of the driveway.
p.s. I wrote this chapter quite a few months ago then I finally found it on my computer whom refused to turn on for a while but I went over it briefly to check there wasn't anything majorly wrong with it. I know it is short and the ending isn't too great but I don't think it is too horrible either...
As always your thoughts are much appreciated! Constructive criticism and comments are welcome!
Once again sorry for taking so long!
My own health issues also made it hard to write for a while...
