A/N: Okay, so I said I didn't do song fics but this has been driving me nuts. I've decided to slot this in between chapters 7 and 8. It wasn't in the plan, but who cares. It's total fluff.
The song is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.
I eased my Lariat out onto Haywood and followed the caravan of Rangeman vehicles heading for the airstrip about 45 minutes away. Normally I drove in silence, but right now I needed music. Bailey had mentioned a song last night, so I had downloaded it onto my ipod first thing this morning. I hooked it up to the car stereo and set the track up. I knew it was by Green Day, so I was expecting punk. What I got was something else. It didn't sound remotely like punk to me, maybe I'm getting old.
I walk a lonely road I walk this empty street
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I listened to the lyrics and instantly understood what Bailey had meant. Those words really hit the nail on the head where my life was concerned. I guess she felt the same way too. Emotions were dangerous; emotions got you killed. Yet what was the point in living if you locked your heart and soul away? What's the point in saving the world, if you couldn't share it with anyone? Even Superman had Lois Lane. Maybe Batman needed a girl too.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Did I? Did I want someone to find me and hold me close and chase away all those horrid things I had seen and done over the years? The answer was yes. But then I'd already been doing it for years and never noticed. I'd been using Bailey for that, but then I got the impression that she'd been using me in pretty much the same way. Only now, she wanted that someone to be the someone. The person you came home to after a long hard day or a long had week. The person who held you every night and kept the bad dreams at bay, the person who could look into your eyes and see your soul, and the person who didn't care what they saw when they looked there. They didn't care about the horror, violence and death that lurked there, locked away from every one else, they were the person that fixed your broken soul and warmed your heart.
I'm walking down the line Read between the lines
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
Could I do it? Wanting something and doing something about it were two very different things. I'd wanted to let Steph in, but I'd never been sure that she would like what she saw in my soul. That was why I pushed her back to Morelli. She went to him without a fight and that told me all I needed to know. She wouldn't be able to handle the things I seen and done, nor would she be able to handle the things I had yet to see and do.
And now I was alone. Alive but alone, waiting for someone to save me. I could have my pick of women, but I only wanted one, my babe. I knew I was a fool for pushing her away, but above all else I couldn't have bared to see the pain in her eyes when she found out about my past. Fool. I'd never know if I was wrong about her now. Maybe she would have understood, maybe she could have been that someone.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone.
The song ended and I turned the stereo off, slipping into my zone. There was no point in thinking about what might have been. I was destined to walk this lonely road with nothing but my honour and integrity. Wasn't I? I'd missed the turning for the path paved with love a long time ago.
