Jimmy
I sat in between a man that I loved like a brother, and the woman that held my heart alone. Buck had suffered a large gash to the back of his head, and has been out to it for over a day.
The Doctor was positive that he hadn't suffered anything to severe, but couldn't be sure until Buck woke. I knew the fact that he hadn't opened his eyes yet had the Doc more than a little concerned, but I kept that observation to myself.
I looked over to where Lou lay asleep on the spare bed. She, although bruised and sore, is fine. I watched as her head turned from side to side, as a groan and a whimper came from her mouth. I could see she was in pain, and made a mental note to let the Doc know.
Her eyes fluttered open, I watch as her eyes scan the room trying to remember where she is. As soon as they spy Buck, she struggles off of the bed, and walks over to where I was sitting.
I open my arms for her, to which she takes as an invitation to sit in my lap. Of course that is exactly where I want her, so I don't complain.
No words are spoken between us, as she rest's her head on my shoulder, and reaches a hand out to touch Buck's.
I kiss the side of her head loving her so much that it actually physically hurts me to be away from her. She will never understand just how much she means to me, as I will never quite understand it either.
The need to touch her and feel her scares me. The way she moves, the way she laughs and the way she thinks has me enticed. I want to kiss her, hold her, and make sweet love to her.
I have never had that before.
I have lusted and I have fucked, but I have never loved or made love. She makes me want to be a better man; she has me believing that I am a better man.
And I am not alone in those thoughts, I know I'm not. I have seen the look in her eye when she sees me. I see the way she lights up when I walk into a room. I know that she feels something for me too.
But as I look at the way she caresses Buck's hand in hers, and as I look down at the look of concern and devotion on her face as she looks to Buck, I am reminded that I do not hold her heart alone.
And I thought I was ok with that. I mean I really think that Buck is a great man, one who would love Lou to the end of his days, if I was not the one who could be that for her I am glad it is him. But I need to know either way.
I need to hear it from her mouth that she chooses Buck, or she chooses me, cruel, maybe, but necessary for all of us.
"Jimmy, he's going to be ok," She turned to me with her tear stained face, "Isn't he?" Her eyes looked to me for hope, they looked to me needing answers, answers that I don't have.
"Of course he is sweetheart," I tell her, hoping like hell Buck pulls through and doesn't make me a liar.
"I love him," she told me with the sweetest smile on her face, but it sent a knife right through my heart.
"I can see that," I told her, as I swallowed the hurt.
"I didn't know what it was that I was feeling, but I know now. I love him, and I love you."
"What?" Not understanding where she was going with this. She took her eyes from mine,
"I know I'm disgusting. I knew that it wasn't right to love two people at once, but I cannot help the way that I feel." She said losing her smile, "I'm scared of losing you both."
"Oh sweetheart you are not disgusting," I told her hating that she would ever feel that way about herself. "We have both told you how much we care for you. Do you seriously not see that neither of us could leave you?"
"So, what, one would stay and suffer by watching the other being happy? I can't and won't let either of you live like that." She snapped, suddenly angry.
"So you would rather we all live in misery and alone?" she shook her head no. I knew she didn't need this extra stress, so I decided to put an end to this needed conversation. "Stop stressing over something that should happen naturally."
She turned in my lap and smiled the best she could. Her face was so swollen and bruised. I know it must be hurting like hell.
"I'm glad you are ok," she placed her small hand on my cheek. "I don't know what I would have done if I..."
"Lou, stop. I'm ok, you're ok and Buck is pulling through," I kissed her forehead. "Now I have to go see Teaspoon for a bit, will you be alright?" I asked wanting to make sure before I leave her alone.
"Yes, I would come with you, but I don't want to leave him." She told me as she got ready to get off of my lap.
I pulled her back down and cuddled her tightly, kissing her soft skin just behind her ear. "He's going to be alright Lou, just believe it." She nodded, "Now why don't you go lay down beside him, talk to him, and maybe the sound of your voice will wake him up." I also wanted her to get some more rest.
"You think it may work?" she asked unsurely.
"Worth a try," I told her, letting her get up off my lap this time. "I will be back soon,"
"Ok," she told me as she pulled the blankets back from Buck and snuggled herself in between the sheets, instantly placing her head on his chest and arm around his waist.
With one last look, and a quiet blessing that she was ok, I made my way out of the Doctor's house.
I walked over to Teaspoons office where he and Cody were holding the three other men that attacked us.
Teaspoon shot, the forth, as he tried to escape with Lou over his shoulder. We knew that if it was her they wanted then her father was involved in this somehow, meaning that Davies had ratted out Lou's whereabouts.
I made sure my colts were ready, as I tipped my hat and hardened my face. I walked right up to the cells, ignoring Teaspoon and Cody, and drawing one of the scumbag's attention. The stupid bastard came right up to the bars and spat on me.
I grabbed his shirt and slammed his face in to the bars. "You stupid bastard," I roared as I slammed him a couple more times, before pulling out one of my colts, and placing it under his chin.
Blood dripped down his face where the cold hard metal ripped his forehead open. "Her father sent you," It wasn't a question more of a statement. The dumb bastard nodded his head.
"What does he want from her?" I questioned shooting a warning glance to the other two in the cell, who were trying to talk over us.
"He didn't tell me,"
I shoved the barrel of my gun harder into his skin, pushing his chin up further. "You're lying," I sneered, daring him to lie again.
"I swear I'm not. We were told where to find her, and to bring her home, alive, that is all." I studied his eyes, thinking that he was telling the truth, but the fact still remains that I saw him plant his boot into Lou's stomach, I aint' about to let that slide.
"You're going to die today," I told him, loving the look of sheer fear in his eyes.
"Jimmy," Teaspoon warned from behind me.
I smiled at the bastard in my hands and I pulled the trigger.
Click.
I laughed as the coward pissed his pants, and shook like a scared rat. "Oh would you look at that, I must have forgotten to load." I placed the colt back in its holster, then pulled the other one free, knowing damn well that, that one was loaded.
This time I didn't point it at the one in my hands. I aimed it at his shit of a friend who beat the hell out of Buck.
Straight away my mind went to the vision of Buck lying there on the bunkhouse floor, blood all around his head, and that terrified whimper of his name that spilled from Lou's lips.
I aimed and I fired.
"Jesus Christ," he screamed, as he clutched his bleeding knee.
"Jimmy," Teaspoon again warned,
"It's alright Teaspoon, I aint' going to kill him. Today," I whispered the last part, smiling at the pain on the guys face, before slamming the one I still had in my hands, head, hard against the bars, knocking him out cold.
"Do you know anything?" I questioned the last one,
"Nnnnnoooo, I swear IIIIII don't MMMisttterr." He stuttered in fear as to what I was going to do to him.
I turned towards Teaspoon and Cody. Teaspoon wasn't happy, but Cody was grinning like a fool. "I don't think they know anything." I smiled at Teaspoon.
"Jimmy, how the hell am I going to explain this to the Marshal in St Jo?"
"Why should they care?"
"Because Jimmy they are all wanted there. Wanted for murder," The smile that grew on my face was genuine. The bastards will hang and die.
"Buck awake?" Cody asked.
"No, but Lou is." I told them seeing that they were just as concerned as I was that Buck hadn't woken yet. "The Doc seems to think he will pull through." I told them.
"We really need to talk to Lou, try and get some sort of insight on her father." I knew what her mongrel father had done to her, I didn't want her becoming upset having to talk about him, but I knew that it was necessary.
"I know, but I also know she may be reluctant to do so, so please don't push too hard, not yet."
"Is there something we should know?" Teaspoon questioned.
"Not my story to tell Teaspoon." I told him. He just nodded, looking upset that there were more chapters to Lou's life story that were not happy ones.
Cody, Teaspoon and I headed over to the Doc's house. Ike was due back at some stage today, so I hoped Buck would be awake before he got here. They were brothers in every way, except blood, and I knew that Ike will be upset seeing his brother looking so helpless.
As we walked into the room, Lou's head lifted from Buck's chest. She was so worn out, I was sure she was going to make herself sick.
"So I'm guessing Davies has told my father." Lou stated as Teaspoon, Cody and I all sat around Buck's bed. She had obviously been thinking about everything while I was gone instead of resting.
"Lou what does he want?" Teaspoon questioned.
"I don't know. I mean I always got the feeling he hated me, so God knows why he wants me back now."
"And you are sure they were your father's men?" Cody asked.
"One of them said something to me. I know it was his men."
"What did he say?" I asked looking for another reason to kill those bastards.
Lou looked up at me, "Told me I looked like my mother." She said before returning her head back on Bucks chest.
I looked at Teaspoon who was frustrated. We had nothing on Boggs, and if we had nothing it was putting us at a huge disadvantage.
"Louise honey, can you tell us anything about Boggs, anything at all."
"There isn't much, I mean you know he's a gun runner, you know he's an evil man, I don't know what else I can tell you."
"Tell us where he is." Cody all but demanded.
"No."
"Lou..."
"No." Cody threw his hands up, looking ready to push Lou further, but I kicked his leg shaking my head no when he looked at me.
"Remember when you came to get me from the Indians?" We all nodded at her like she was crazy. None of us will ever forget that.
"You said that you would go and get the guns they wanted. I told you 'no'. I didn't want you to in case it meant that you would have to deal with him, the biggest gun runner in the west, my father. He's poison. I don't ever want any of you near him." As she told us this I could see something strange and final cross her features.
What was she up too?
I knew that she was planning something stupid, and I had a hunch what that could be.
"Don't you dare do it Lou," I told her.
She had the nerve to look like she didn't know what I was on about. "Don't you do it," I told her again.
"What?" She and Cody asked at the same time.
"I can see it in your eyes, you're planning on running." Lou slid out of the bed and walked over to the window, avoiding everyone's eyes.
"Don't be absurd, where would I go?"
"I have no idea, but I know it aint' anywhere good." I told her before I continued on with the conversation about her father.
"You told Buck and me about when you ran away you had to hide, 'cos you knew your father would come after..." Teaspoon cut me off there, but not before Cody butted in.
"What the hell did he do to you?"
"What Cody is trying to ask, is why did you feel like you had to hide?" Teaspoon asked eyeing Cody with annoyance.
"Because no one left him, he wouldn't allow it."
"You made a fool of him. What do you think he wants?" I asked.
"Retribution?" she asked unsure that would be it.
"Would you all shut up, my head is killing me." Bucks voice rasped out behind us all.
"Buck," Lou cried in surprise as she ran over to the bed. "You scared me," she wrapped her arms around Buck, and while we could all see that it hurt him in doing so, he wrapped his around her.
"Sorry I scared you." He smiled into her hair.
Lou pulled back so she could get a better look. "Are you sore? Do you need anything?" she asked.
Buck's features dropped as he took in the state of Lou's bruised face.
"Are they dead?" he asked me, meeting mine, and the others eyes.
"One is. The others are locked up." I knew what Buck was thinking, as they were my thoughts as well. They should all be dead.
"They are set to hang." I told him, seeing a small smile tug at his lips at the news.
"Welcome back son," Teaspoon said with relief written over his features.
"Thanks Teaspoon. I have no idea what happened after I was hit. Can someone fill me in?" Lou sat on the edge of the bed while the rest of us filled him in on what he had missed.
I was glad he was going to be ok.
After a while he fell asleep, but the Doctor was pleased with his progress. Lou wanted to stay again tonight, so I said I would head over and bring her some fresh clothes and something to eat. I couldn't remember the last time she ate anything, and she couldn't afford to lose any weight, as she was still trying to put it on from when she was taken.
I was just about to walk back into the room, where Buck and Lou were sleeping, when a noise had my hand stalling on the handle. I listened carefully to hear that the sound was more of a moan, a pleasurable one at that. I carefully turned the knob and pushed the door open just ajar, so I could see if my suspicions were indeed true.
I could see Lou's body laying a top of Buck's. He had one of his hands in her hair as the other caressed her back and hips, as they continued to kiss passionately.
I slipped away from the door having seen enough. I wiped my hand over my face not believing what it was I just saw.
I placed the bag of stuff I had in my other hand on the floor by the bedroom, as I made my way out of the Doctors house.
I seemed to stumble out to the street, dazed and confused to what it was I should be feeling.
"He awake?" Cody's voice asked, with a concerned Ike behind him.
I shook my head no, before asking Ike if he had just rode in.
"Came straight here when Cody told me, is he going to be alright?" Ike signed, his concern still plastered over his face.
"He's going to be good, just tired is all. Now I have a few things I want to discuss with Teaspoon, Do you two want to come? It concerns us all." I told them wanting to put as much distance between me and that room.
"Yeah ok," Cody asked as we started to make our way to Teaspoon's office.
"Rachel, Noah and Kid rode in just as we were leaving to come here. Rachel was going to get sorted then make her way over to see Lou and Buck." I nodded that I had heard Cody, but all I was thinking about was what I had just seen.
I felt sick, hurt, happy, so fucken' hurt. I didn't know how to act or what I was going to say to either of them when I saw them next.
"And Kid has bought his girlfriend here." I could hear the humour in Cody's voice.
"You met her?" Actually happy to hear what he had to say. I wanted to take my mind off of Lou and Buck.
"She's Kid, but in a dress." I laughed at the way Cody described her.
"What do you mean by that?" I laughed.
"Southern, proper," he begun, but I cut him off,
"She pretty?"
Ike nodded his approval.
"To pretty for Kid," Cody laughed, "Such a waist."
"You're an asshole."
Ike punched Cody's shoulder, as we continued to laugh. Walking into Teaspoon's office I see that the bastards are still there.
"What the hell Teaspoon, I thought they were meant to be long gone."
"Not till morning now. What brings you boy's here?"
"I think we should go outside," I indicated with my eyes to his prisoners, "I don't want extra ears on this."
The boys all followed my lead and we all headed out the door.
"What you thinking Hickok?" Cody questioned.
"I'm going to hunt down Lou's father, maybe get close enough to find out what it is he really wants."
"You think that's wise? I mean Lou was adamant that she didn't want her father anywhere near us."
"I know, but it is the only thing I can think of." And it was the only reason I could think of to get away for a while without making it look like I was running away, cos' let's face it, that is exactly what I was doing.
"She's not going to like it Jimmy."
"She aint' going to find out, Cody," I knew he was right but I needed to be a little selfish. As much as I was happy for Buck and Lou, it still hurt. I needed to do this for me. I needed a distraction, and some distance. "I'll tell her I'm going to see my sister or something."
"Something going on between the two of you?" Ike signed with a knowing look.
"Or three of you," Cody muttered under his breath.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I snapped in his direction.
"I'm not blind Jimmy. I see the way things have changed between the three of you. The way you look at each other, talk with each other, it aint right."
"By whose standard's Cody" I asked with a warning tone for him to watch what he says.
"Every one's Hickok. Three people, it's not right."
"That is not what's going on." I defended. Pleased Lou wasn't listening to this.
"Maybe not, but it is what people see." Cody added.
"Well then another reason as to why I should leave." I told him, not needing anymore grief, I walked off, but Teaspoon called me to stop.
"I'm doing this Teaspoon," I told him.
"Alright, but as long as you tell Lou."
"I will tell her I'm leaving, but I will not tell her where, and neither will anyone else."
"You going out there with an attitude is asking for trouble." He told me, but I didn't care, I was going.
"Teaspoon I don't have an attitude, I just want to sort this out so Lou doesn't have to watch over her shoulder for the rest of her life."
Teaspoon got where I was coming from and so we sat and devised a plan. I asked that he and the boys not tell Lou. I didn't need her to play the hero and come find me, taking her closer to her father.
As I was walking back to the station I saw the back of Rachel heading in the same direction with Lou by her side. I looked over to the Doc's house seeing that there was a light flickering behind the drapes, so Buck had to be still awake.
I wondered over slowly, not wanting to have this conversation, but needing to get it all out before I leave.
"Hi Jimmy," Buck said as he tried sitting up.
"I saw the two of you." I blurted out. His eyes widened for a second, but he soon recovered as he got comfortable.
"I want to say sorry, but I'm not. And I don't mean that in a harsh way Jimmy."
"I know."
"I love her Hickok, you know that.
"I do Buck," I looked out the window knowing I will regret this one day soon.
"That is why I will step aside."
"Why would you do that?"
"I don't love her as much as you." I lied.
"I can see how much it pains you to say that. Tell me the truth Jimmy."
"She loves you."
"And you," he reminded me.
"I can't be that for her. I'm no good, trouble follows me. She has had enough trouble in her life time, I won't add to it."
"Trouble follows us all. Don't you think I don't stress about the stigma that will follow her if she were to be with me, a half breed."
"Don't you fucken' dare. Lou doesn't give a shit about any of that, and neither should you. You are a good man Buck, and any person who says otherwise will answer to me, and Lou."
"I could say the same to you Jimmy."
"But you can't can you? While you're scared that she will be called awful names, I'm worried that I will hear my name being called, to turn around and see some asshole with a gun to her head. There is a big difference."
"Shouldn't Lou decide who she wants to be with? I don't want to win by default."
"It wouldn't be by default. Her love for you is true, she is confused and if I'm not here she will see you clearly. Though I know she already see's it." I looked at Buck wondering one thing.
"Can you live knowing she loves me too?" I asked him.
"I could if I knew it wasn't acted upon." I thought about that for a minute.
"Of course it wouldn't be Buck, not on my side anyway." I would never pursue Lou unless she told me that is what she wanted.
"It don't feel right, not like this." He said shaking his head and readjusting himself in the bed.
"Did it this morning, when your hands were all over her body?"
"Yeah it did." He smiled sincerely.
"Then hold onto that."
After promising Buck that I would talk to Lou first before making any promises, I went to go and find her.
She was sitting on a large rock that lay behind the barn. She was looking out to the horizon, smiling as her finger tips ghosted over the soft spot behind her ear. Was she remembering the small kiss I placed there?
And when her fingers travelled around to touch her lips, I knew she was thinking about her and Buck. I also noticed how her smile grew as she closed her eyes lost in the memory.
"You love him," I stated as I sat down next to her.
"You know I do, just as I love you."
"I know you do sweetheart, and that knowledge is enough for me. It will always be enough for me."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I'm stepping aside Lou. I'm going to give you and Buck the chance to find out what you two have."
"But why?"
"Buck loves you more than me Lou." I lied, hating the hurt that crossed her eyes.
"You're lying," She spat as she got off the rock and took a step closer to me, "I know you're lying Jimmy so stop the bullshit."
"Lou I saw the two of you this afternoon."
"You saw that?" She asked sounding kind of saddened at the fact. I gave her a small nod, not wanting to make a huge deal over it.
"I see the way he looks at you, and just now I saw the way your face lit up when your mind took you back to that moment. Deep down Buck is the one, and I think you know that. So do you think it would be fare for me to keep my hopes up?"
"If that is the way you feel Jimmy, I'm sorry. I was not trying to string you along or anything, and I hate that it is exactly what I have done." I smiled and I nodded, as her words were sincere. Lou didn't have a malicious bone in her body.
"I'm riding out in the morning,"
"What? Riding out where?" her anger shining through the tone in her voice. "You promised me that you would always be here for me, no matter who I was with." She reminded me.
"I did," I answered, knowing damn well that I had.
"You did. So why are you leaving?" she asked raising her eyebrows, daring me to lie.
"I'm not leaving," I challenged before thinking better of it. "Well I'm leaving but I promise you it is not forever, I will come back."
"I don't believe you Jimmy. I got this feeling inside of me that tells me this is it. This is the last time I'll be seeing you."
I rushed up to her, scaring her slightly as I knew my eyes were wild. I grabbed either side of her face, as I bought my face down to hers.
"I will be back, I promise you I will. I just need to clear my head, and I need to see my sister, so it all works out."
She looked at me defiantly.
"You need to do something for me," I added, hoping like hell she would listen to me.
"I don't have to do anything."
"Yeah you do honey. You need to take care of yourself, and let the boys and Teaspoon take care of you."
"You're saying goodbye," she cried shaking her head free of my hands.
"Listen, I'm not."
"You are, and I want to know why." I went to tell her but she cut me off. "If me being with Buck makes you leave, then I choose no one." I went to say something but she screamed at me. "I CHOOSE NO ONE!"
"Don't be childish Lou."
"Fuck you Jimmy."
"Lou Buck is a great man, one who will take care of you, love you and protect you. You deserve that, I can sleep with that. But I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt, because it does. Do I not deserve to get away and get my feelings in check? Do I not deserve a chance at finding love for myself?"
"But I love you."
"Not as much as Buck."
"You don't know that, hell I don't know that." She frowned.
"Lou, I have told you I'm leaving, I have told you that I love you and I have given you my blessing to be with Buck. Not once have you said no, I choose you. You love Buck more and that is how it is." I watched as realisation dawned on her features. I was right and she was just figuring it out.
"That maybe so, but he doesn't own my heart out right."
"Then my leaving is a good thing. Buck should own your whole heart, he is a good man, he deserves that, with me gone maybe you will see that too."
"You promised me that none of you will leave." She looked up at the sky before turning her saddened eyes back to me.
"I'll go. You and Buck have jobs here you can't turn your back on the boys and Teaspoon."
"Lou you will not be going anywhere, do you hear me?"
"I don't believe you. I don't believe you would do this." She said, breaking my heart with every tear that fell from her eyes.
"Do what Lou? I'm not doing this to hurt you." She gave me a look that clearly said otherwise, "You think that I would do that?" I gave her a chance to say no, but she didn't. "So you want me around to watch the two of you together? To watch the touching, the kisses, and all the sweet nothings whispered in each other's ears? I'm leaving so I don't hurt."
She let out a regretful wail.
"Lou, you have made the right choice, please don't be saddened, be happy that you have found that."
"Jimmy I truly believe that I could have that with you too. As much as you tell me that Buck is the better man, I believe that you are just as good." She sat back down on the Rock, "But you are right, my heart is more with Buck, and I think it has been right from the start." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve before continuing.
"But you were wrong about one thing. My heart will never be owned out right, he may own the majority of it but you own what is left." Her shoulders shook, as sobs raked through her body.
"I don't want you to leave. I want to be selfish and I want to have you with me as well. Please Jimmy I am begging you, don't leave me, don't leave us."
"It won't be forever Lou?"
"Please don't do this." She whimpered, making it really hard for me not to go to her. I was afraid that if I held her in my arms for another second, I would lose whatever resolve that I had.
"I have to Lou,"
She cried as she nodded her head. "If you come back I hope you can look at me like you use to."
"And how was that?"
"Without the hurt, and as a friend," she told me as her body shook in sobs.
"Not a sister?"
"No I think our connection is much stronger than that. I could never look to you in a way of a brother, but I do believe you are somewhere between a Best friend and a lover." Something strange crossed her face.
"What is it?" I questioned.
"I don't know,"
"Don't hold back now Lou. You can tell me anything."
"The thought of never having you like that hurts. There have been times I have thought of you and me as lovers, I can't imagine never having that with you."
"You can't have it both ways honey. You have made the right choice." She leant over and kissed my cheek.
"I do love you James Butler Hickok," I closed my eyes engraving the feel of her lips on my skin. "Be careful and come back to us."
