2 weeks later.

I fail to know what it really is I'm looking for.

Today would be a Monday, like any other. I would walk the halls, and pretend I didn't see anyone, pretend I didn't notice Edward or Jenny passing me in the halls. Or the whispering about me was on silent, like myself. I sit by myself at lunch and read a book, trying my hardest to block out all the noise, and unnecessary talking. I play with my hands when people stare at me too long. That happens a lot. I think about the roses I have growing in the backyard, and what flower should be planted next. I try my hardest to stop everything around me…. It doesn't work. They still snicker as I pass, My heart still races when Edward walks by, tears still swell in my eyes when Jenny glares at me, and I cry when I cant explain something. I would call this Monday. Everyday is like Monday. Oh what wonderful Monday. I took my seat right in front of Alice Cullen, and she gave me a warm smile, as she always does, and I nod, what more can I do? But today as I faced the board waiting for class to start, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Alice with that warm smile on her face.

"Hey Bella, My dad wanted me to tell you." She whispered then leaned in closer for more privacy, because the once loud room with socializing girls, went silent, and it wasn't because the teacher came in, it was because Alice Cullen the beauty, was talking to the freak.

"He told me he wants to see you after school." She continued. I would have to thank her for keeping that on the down low. She seemed nice. I nodded, and then looked to my side to see all the table of girls staring at us.

"Don't mind them, their just amazed, watching the two freaks of the school communicate." Alice said sarcastically, and I smiled. I actually smiled a real smile, it felt good. And then I turned back around to face the board. Did she say freaks? I didn't se her as a freak. The last thing she was , was a freak to me. I mean if I was a freak then I'm pretty sure Alice was far from a freak. Sure she was a little different , and probably the smartest person in class, but I wouldn't consider a freak. I would consider her.. Sweet. The rest of the day those thoughts stuck with me. Like glue. Even as I walked to the hospital to see Carlisle, the word Freak put next to the Cullen's didn't fit. Nothing fit next to Cullen's but perfect, beautiful. Words like that. But next to Edward Cullen, words like arrogant, jerk, fit. How is it that Alice isn't to 'dangerous' to be my friend.. Wait.. There I go calling her my friend, when she could do the same thing Edward did. No one could be trusted. I shook my head trying to get rid of all the thoughts piling up, building up into those questions I didn't want to answer.

2 weeks later.

Imagine me, alive, again.

It's Friday again, and its just like the Friday before that and the Friday before that and probably the Friday before that… Its Friday.

"Do you have any money to donate?" A girl ask me as I enter the grocery store, I look at her and keep walking into the store. She looked like a cheerleader, or a girl scout, her hair blonde, her face bright, her cheeks red, and even in the gloom she shined. I use to be like her, I use to be bright like her, maybe shy and more to myself, but I use to be normal like her. As I entered the store, I prayed people wouldn't ruin her.

I walked into the store looking down at my hands, trying to forget I want to cry, trying to forget how badly, I hate grocery stores, how badly I want to forget my connection with it. How -not this grocery store- but a one similar, with the same sign , the same aisles, the same products, was a memory. I know unbelievable. But I cant seem to ignore the past, it haunts me where ever I go, and I wish it would stop. I wish it would stop.

"Can I help you?" One of the workers asked me, as I stood there in the middle of the store just staring off into the distance. I bit my lip, shook my head and walked away, deeper into the grocery store, or the past. If I spoke I would have said 'No sir, I'm afraid you can not help me.'

I walked my way to the gardening section of the store, the flowers here at the grocery store were much cheaper than the ones at a real gardening store, and plus, I don't know where there is one, so this would have to do. I only have roses in my little garden in the back, and there are plenty of flowers to chose from back at home, but not the flowers I want, not flowers that will do. Charlie thinks it was a good idea for me to garden, and so does Carlisle, but that's not why I do it, I don't do it to express any hidden emotion. I do it to remember, to remember what it feels like to hold valuable emotions, to feel again. Sadly it only paints a picture.

As I stood there looking at the different flower seeds they had, I tried to connect them with a time. A specific time in my life.

"I love tulips!" A beautiful voice exclaimed from beside me, I quickly turned to her a bit startled. She was pale, and beautiful, and just by looking at her, I knew she was Cullen. She reached to get the tulips, looking so happy, just because of the flowers, like she had found the most valuable treasure in the world.

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't see you there dear." Her sweet voice, greeted me, and I wanted to greet back. One problem. I cant. So I simply nodded at her, maybe a small grin on my face. Talk to me please.

"I'm Esme Cullen. You must be Bella Swan, I know that beautiful face anywhere." She smiled a motherly smile and reached out her hand to shake mine, I shake it gladly but confusion in my eyes, and clearly she see's that.

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm Carlisle's wife, and I saw you at the hospital last week." She grinned. Oh ! How hadn't I seen her? This was Edwards mom, I'm talking to. She's beautiful, and so sweet. I put an 'oh! I remember,' look on my face, she must know I don't talk, because she hasn't looked at me like I'm crazy yet.

"He cares deeply about you." She touched my shoulder, an didn't flinch away from her touch, I stood there. Looking into her eyes, as she said each word, like she was speaking from her heart.

"You like to garden?" She removed her hand and looked back at the flowers, then at me for my answer and I nodded my head.

"Oh lovely !" She smiled wide at me.

"I have a garden. Its still being worked on." She sighed.

"How about yours? Is it full?" She asked me, and talking to her was like nothing, like I have known her for years. She was so kind, and talkative. She looked at me for my answer and I shook my head as a 'no.' She looked back at the flower seeds after my reply.

"Well I bet its coming along great." She smiled again at me. Nothing weird about it, just very warm. Like Alice's smiles. She took a few moments looking threw flower seeds, trying to find the right flower I suppose. I wanted to help but I didn't know how to ask. So I just watched her. she looked very determined to find the right flowers. After looking for a few more minutes she finally found what she was looking for.

"Aw, got them." She smiled at the flower seed package in her hand.

"It was nice seeing you Bella, it really was." She gave me a hug, and walked out of the aisle. She walked gracefully out the aisle, and I watched. I opened my mouth wanting so badly to talk, but no sound came out, and tears began to swell in my eyes. I closed then opened my mouth again. Nothing, at all. Other people joined me in the aisle looking at flowers, humming to them selves, some talking to them selves , saying sorry when they bumped into me. I grabbed the flowers I saw first, and began walking out of the aisle and to the cash register. Where a girl greeted me, and asked me how my day was going, and I just looked down at my hands and played with them. She gave me the total and I gave her my money, she gave me change and I almost ran out of the store. And on my way out, that perky girl people to donate money, was standing out there, looking at me, her face bright, hope in her eyes. I walked up to her, and handed her my change, she thanked me, and watched me walk away. And like that I would never have to worry about her again, because I just walked away from her, just like I walk away from everyone else. But its myself I cant walk away from. I cant ignore myself, its impossible. My thoughts keep going, and going and going, my memory keeps reminding me and reminding me, and reminding me… I walk alone, like always, the gloom today is especially gloomy. For some reason. As I walked, I counted my steps, trying to distract myself.

"Bella!" Someone called form behind me, and I know the squeaky voice anywhere. I wanted to start running but I looked behind me and there was Jenny coming up behind me. What could she possibly want.

"Bella!" She said as she approached me out of breathe.

"Bella… its … important." She breathed. Her eyes were red like she had been crying and it looked like she had been up all night. He hair was down and in her face, and she was wither on the edge of a panic attack, or a heart attack, I couldn't tell which.

"Its Ruth." I put my hand to my mouth. What does she mean. Where is this going. She began to cry tears going down her . Its Ruth can mean so many things. It can lead to so much. What is she saying. I touched Jenny's shoulder, shaking her a bit. She looked up and the look in her eyes scared me to death. It was pure sadness, nothing I have ever seen in my life. Is that what people saw when they looked at me.

"Ruth… she's.. dead." She sniffed. Ruth. Dead. I just felt a whole part of me die again. Ruth was just as much apart of the Sandy accident as I was. I was Ruth's best friend her backbone. When the blaming started she, stood up for me… at first… then she believed them, and pointed her finger at me. She pointed her finger right at me. I never hated her, I still thought of her as a friend , even though I was nothing to her. I tried my best to hold on to her, but she let go, and I was forced to let go . She was like Jacob and Aurora. And now she's dead. Gone. When and how. Jenny was now sobbing in front of me, and I realized that the screaming, was me. I was so far away from everything, I was so lost in everything. I was tangled up. I was twisted, I was sick, I was disgusted with myself.

"BELLA! SHE COMMITED SUICIDE!" Jenny was yelling over her sobs, and mine. I froze, my sobbing went down a little, and so did hers. I was waiting for the part to come, the part where she tells me how, how she did. How she took her own life. How she gave up.

"She.. SHE… she jumped. ..- Bella! She jumped off the bridge.. The same bridge Sandy jumped off of." Jenny sobbed. I fell to my knees. I fell to my knees and held my heart into my chest as I sobbed to the ground. Everything around me was moving in slow motion, everything was getting blurry and I couldn't breathe. My head hurt, my throat burned, my hands ached from slamming into the rocks. I saw her. Ruth. It was the image I always kept of her, it was the last time I saw her. Alive breathing, Ruth. She was sitting in a park alone, swinging on a swing, her hair covering all of her face, due to the wind. I didn't walk up to her, and I didn't want to. So I just stare at her, from all the way across the park, I stood there, wishing I knew what to say. It didn't matter because no matter what I said, I knew things wouldn't change, everything would be the same. Soon she realized she was being watched. She looked up t me and the smallest grin appeared on her face. I considered it a smile. I knew it was the best I would ever get again. She looked back down and continued swinging, pretending I wasn't there anymore. That was the last time I saw her.

"Bella?" Jenny called, me but I realized the humming noise in the distance was her calling me continuously. Jenny helped from off the ground, and I stood in front of her, now both of our eyes red, and puffy.

"Jacob and Aurora, plan to visit us soon." Jenny sniffed.

"My mom got a call from Jacob's Dad." She continued. "They say she seemed fine. But then she disappeared and they found her body."

"Your mom knows, she called Charlie, and he was suppose to tell you but… its Ruth. And Ruth was ours.. And I needed to tell you Bella." She sniffed.

"She was just as messed up as all of us are… it could have happened to anyone… but it happened to Ruth." She paused and looked me in the eye when she said anyone. She meant me. Everyone thought I would be the first to go. Everyone thought. Everyone thought wrong.

"Are you going to be okay?" She touched me shoulder. When did we become such good friends. I shrugged off her hand and shook my head. No Jenny, I will not be okay, no jenny don't ever touch me again, , no jenny Ruth wasn't ours, and no Jenny, you did not need to tell me. I thought it, and wished I could speak it out loud, but instead I walked away. Like I always do. Just walking away. I kept my head down as I speed walked home. As I walked I cried. People stared when I walked by, but the didn't know anything. They knew absolutely nothing at all. The didn't know that I had, had the last straw, that I was giving up right before their eyes. The don't know I was involved with a suicide, they don't know my two best friends are dead. These people have lives of there own, they don't know a thing about me, but how much you want to bet, they are calling me crazy as I walk past. No one knows I'm giving up, except me. No one knows but me, or maybe everyone see's it.

They just aren't telling me. I reached the house, and the door was unlocked, I ran in and I saw Charlie standing by the staircase and ignored him. I ran up to my room, with out taking a second look at him. I ran into my room and collapsed on the bed. Crying. I cant find reason for anything and I cant look at anyone with out, looking at myself, I do what everyone else does. Blame myself. I'm no better than them . I'm just as bad. I cried myself to sleep, and hoped I would never have to wake. I hoped for death. Something I tried not to hope for, for so long.

A/N: Okay so again this chapter is pretty short, but it's a big piece of the story.

Questions like : Will she commit suicide ?

Will Edward stop being a Jerk and just let her in to his secret world? When do Aurora and Jacob come into the story more.

WHEN IS BELLA GOING TO SPEAK?

Are beginning to build up .

Well please do me a favor and tell me what is it you are most looking forward to, minus Bella speaking again, that ones pretty obvious lol. REVIEW and tell me what it is you want to read most.

PS Thank you to those of you who review it means a lot and I keep writing because of it . Thanks. :]