Chapter 8 Notes: I know this one took a little longer to post, but it's a little longer in length to make up for it. :) Happy reading. Thanks to everyone who took the time to review my last chapter. Possible trigger warnings: mention of dead people and grief.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls
Jeremy was feeling down as he carried his bike up the backstairs to the apartment in the dying light of the evening. A little sore, a lot embarrassed, and mostly just down in a way that he knew went beyond his minor scrapes and bruises. Jeremy had been out riding in his favorite spot, the wooded area on the outskirts of town. He had gotten into the same headspace he had spent most of his summer riding in, the escapist mentally that normally served him well, imagining himself as a much younger boy, out on his bike, his only worry getting home to his parents in time for dinner. Partway into the fantasy, thinking about what his mom might be making for dinner, picturing her waiting for him, greeting him with a hug and asking about his day as he entered the kitchen, Jeremy took a curve and came up behind a small, slower moving group of riders.
They were clearly a family, with a mom and a dad and two young children, a small boy who seemed a little wobbly on two wheels and a younger girl who was trucking along on a bike with training wheels, head down as she concentrated, pumping her short legs, pedaling hard to keep up. "Look, look!" The boy yelled, drawing the attention of both the adults as he wobbled and lowered one foot to the ground to keep his bike from falling over. "Look, how far I went without stopping this time! On only two wheels!"
Jeremy reduced his speed and approached them slowly, listening to the parents cheerfully praise their son's accomplishment. "Great job, kiddo!" "I knew you could do it!" The little girl chimed in something that Jeremy couldn't hear and both parents complimented her riding skills as well. "You're doing great, too, Clare-Bear!" "You'll be on two wheels like your big brother before you know it!"
Jeremy felt something ugly stirring in his chest. The same feeling he used to get during his early adolescent years in foster care whenever he had encountered what appeared to be a happy family. As a small child, the sight of a family like this, complete with two parents, siblings, loving encouragement and cute nicknames would have made him sad. He could remember particularly rough nights, lying awake crying in bed, his longing for a family of his own exacerbated by having witnessed a family like this one, at the park, or at a baseball game. He had spent every moment between his mom's death and his adoption wishing for someone to love him and take care of him, it never wasn't on his mind back then, but coming across the type of family he wanted to be a part of, like the kind of families he used to watch on TV, always intensified the longing and made everything hurt that much more. By twelve years old and all through his early teens, he had still wanted a family more than anything, but the yearning had started to manifest itself differently, with sadness edged out by an intense anger for what he didn't have, and for the injustices that made up his life. Encountering happy families began to ignite a burning jealousy and bitter resentment inside him.
It wasn't just him. Everyone had felt it. Those were the years when anger became the dominant emotion in the group homes, with boys arguing viciously with house staff, getting in fights with each other, dropping out of school and running away. Jeremy hadn't done many of those things. He had instead turned his anger inward where it ate away at him, making him constantly miserable. He had still spoken civilly to house staff for the most part, still tried to win over new foster parents, studied and got good grades, played baseball, behaved as well as he could, too afraid to make things even worse by acting out. Part of him had been envious of the release that some boys had found in fighting or acting like assholes and of the courage it took to just do whatever they felt like without knowing if anyone would be there for them in the fallout. Jeremy had never felt secure enough to give anyone much attitude until Jess, but the anger had been there just the same. As it was now, bubbling up to the surface, boiling his blood and filling his heart with contempt for this stupid family in front of him. He instantly and irrationally hated them.
The mom spotted him, turned around and smiled, all green bike helmet and shiny white teeth, before turning back to her family. "Ok, guys, let's let this boy pass us. Everyone wiggle over to the right a little bit." She led by example, riding her bike ahead of her family, closer to the right hand edge of the road. Her children slowly followed her like ducklings, while her husband brought up the rear. "There you go! Good job, guys!"
Jeremy couldn't stand it. He pedaled as hard as he could, moving quickly by the family, staying in the center of the road even after passing them. He kept going, his heart beating fast, putting as much distance between himself and them as he could, as though that would somehow erase the memory of them, or fix the way he was feeling. He leaned into a blind turn, still moving fast where the center line would be if he were on a real road instead of this strip of dirt, then another. He knew he wasn't being safe, that he should slow down and move to the side of the road, but he didn't care. He picked up speed. The gradient shifted and Jeremy found himself flying down an incline, moving faster than he ever had, without the fear that he normally felt when he rode too fast. All that seemed to matter was getting away from that family. The trees on either side of the road were becoming a blur as Jeremy flew by. He moved into another turn and almost collided with a car that was coming straight at him. Jeremy panicked, swerving to the right, the bike losing traction in the deeper dirt on the roadside, Jeremy clutching desperately at his handbrakes. The bike jerked to a stop as the front tire hit a large rock, bucking Jeremy off and crashing to the ground behind him. Jeremy flew off the bike and landed face down in the dirt and weeds by the side of the road. He laid there in shock a moment before pulling himself to his knees, wincing in pain at the contact with the ground. He shifted onto his butt and examined his wounds. The right knee of his jeans was torn, as was his skin, he saw dirt and gravel stuck in the blood and puss of the open wound and felt sick. He checked the rest of him. His right wrist felt a little funny from landing on it, but it didn't seem broken and the rest of his scrapes, on his forearms and hands, seemed minor. He felt like crying, more from frustration than pain, but he heard a car door slam and remembered he wasn't alone, and that if he started crying, he likely wouldn't be able to stop and would have his second roadside meltdown, this one without even a remotely solid reason and in front of a stranger.
Jeremy looked up to find an older woman crouching next to him, with so much honest concern for him in her kind eyes that Jeremy felt himself getting choked up. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Her voice was calm, soothing, like she was talking to a hurt animal or a very young child that she didn't want to alarm. She brushed a piece of too long hair out of his face, tucking it up under his helmet to keep it from falling in his eyes again, then mirrored the motion on herself, tucking a strand of her own black hair behind one ear, giving him a small, encouraging smile, her entire manner so caring and maternal that Jeremy couldn't hold himself together. He felt like a complete moron as silent tears started running down his face. He brushed at them quickly, not wanting to embarrass himself anymore than he already had. He felt like such a loser. Like someone who would never be normal.
"I'm ok." He tried unsuccessfully to sniff back his tears, still wiping frantically at his face. "I'm sorry. I'm not even hurt. I'm sorry. This is so stupid."
She was still smiling at him, her expression calm and comforting. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes it's the shock of what's happened to us rather than the pain that we find most upsetting."
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Jeremy was digging through the bathroom cabinet for a first aid kit, or at least a box of bandaids. He knew there was a first aid kit in the diner, but he really didn't want to go down there like this, a stupid little kid with a scraped knee, unless he absolutely had to. He knew Luke would fuss over him and while that idea wasn't terrible to Jeremy, the idea of everyone in the diner witnessing it was. The woman who he had almost run into had told him that she had a first aid kit in her car, that she knew a thing or two about patching up skinned knees and she'd be happy to clean up his knee and give him a ride home. He had begged off, too embarrassed after breaking down in front of her. He had told her that he was pretty close to home and that he was fine. She asked him if he was sure, and then respected his decision when he'd said he was. Jeremy appreciated that, knowing that many adults would have tried to force him into doing what they wanted him to do, for their own comfort rather than his. He had tried to ride home, but his knee hurt too much when he bent it, and he had given up and walked his bike back, grateful that the fall had happened where it had, in the part of the wooded section closest to town.
Jeremy gave up looking for a band aid. He stripped off his jeans, careful of his wound, and went into his room to pull on a pair of long, nylon shorts. He sat down on the couch, bent over his injured knee, a roll of paper towels on the coffee table in front of him and a wet washcloth in one hand. He looked down at his knee. The area of abraded skin was slightly larger than the size of a quarter. It was no longer actively bleeding, though shiny, mostly clear puss was still seeping out. He could see specks of dirt and some small pieces of gravel stuck to the wound. Jeremy was just starting to clean the area with the washcloth when Winston slowly got up from his dog bed, stretched his stiff body and trotted to the door, tail wagging in earnest. Jeremy had been hoping to get himself cleaned up before Jess came home from work. He had already embarrassed himself enough for one day, but at least that had been in front of a stranger. He didn't want Jess to see him like this, like a pathetic little kid who couldn't even ride his bike without hurting himself.
Without looking up from his task, he listened to Jeremy and Winston greet each other, Jess telling Winston what a good boy he was and Winston shuffling around Jess with excitement at his parent's voice. Jeremy looked up and met Jess's eye, the man still crouched down with one hand petting the dog. "What's going on over there, Jeremy? You all right?"
Jeremy nodded, feeling pitiful, but not wanting to let it show. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"What happened?" Jess gave Winston one last pat, addressing the dog as he stood up. "Go lie down, boy. Daddy has to go make sure your brother's ok." Jess approached with a concerned look on his face.
Jeremy sighed. "I wiped out on my bike. It was stupid. But, I'm fine. I've got it under control." He forced a sheepish smile onto his face. "I'm fine, really. You don't have to do anything."
"Huh." Jess gave him a look he couldn't read and turned and headed into the kitchen. Jeremy felt a wave of self-pity at Jess's departure, even though he had basically told him to go. He watched Jess wash his hands at the sink and search through one of the lower cabinets and pull out a rectangular white box and walk back over to the couch, placing the first aid kit on the coffee table next to the roll of paper towels as he sat down facing Jeremy. "Ok, let's see what we're dealing with here, kid." Jess reached out toward the boy's knee, his thumb and middle finger encircling Jeremy's wrist and pulling gently to lift the hand holding the washcloth off of the wound so he could get a better look at it. Jeremy complied, letting go of the washcloth when Jess held his other hand out for it. Jeremy leaned back against the couch cushions, watching Jess carefully wipe at the open skin with the washcloth, cleaning out the most superficial dirt and gravel. "It looks like you brought about half the road home with you." Jeremy watched Jess concentrate on his work, brow furrowed slightly. "All right. Let's get you fixed up here." Jess tossed the washcloth onto the coffee table and turned to dig through the first aid kit.
"I couldn't find the first aid kit. I looked in the bathroom, but I didn't think to look in the kitchen." It occurred to Jeremy that he should have. That the kit in the diner was in the kitchen and he should have thought about Luke keeping one in a similar spot in his home.
Jess smiled warmly at Jeremy as he ripped open an alcohol wipe. "Well, I guess it's pretty lucky that I showed up when I did then, huh?"
Jeremy nodded as Jess set to work, gently holding Jeremy's leg above the knee to stabilize it while he disinfected the wound. "I guess it is." He admitted.
The alcohol stung a little, but not as much as the neosporin. Jess warned him before spraying it on the open cut. "This is going to sting a little." But, Jeremy still flinched slightly, which would have embarrassed him, except for how preoccupied he was with watching the matching sympathy grimace on Jess's face. Jess gently wiped off the excess neosporin with the edge of a clean paper towel and covered the open skin with a large bandaid. He looked up at Jeremy, then, smiling warmly at his son, the smile that always felt infectious to Jeremy, clearly satisfied with his handiwork.
"Thanks." Jeremy said quietly, his eyes on Jess.
Jess nodded. "It was my pleasure. I've never bandaged anyone's skinned knee before. I know you didn't really need my help, but thanks for letting me do it anyway."
Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh. "Sure." He smiled back at Jess, aiming for playful nonchalance. "If you enjoyed yourself that much, I can try to sprain an ankle or something tomorrow. Maybe break an arm."
Jess shook his head slowly, still smiling. "I don't like seeing you hurt, but I do like getting to do dad stuff for you. Because, well, I'm your dad and everything." Jess shrugged exaggeratedly and Jeremy got the impression he was also going for nonchalance and missing the mark.
"Yeah, you are. Thanks for that, too."
Jess was shaking his head slowly, warm smile still on his face. "You never have to thank me for that, Jeremy. That really is my pleasure. Always."
Jeremy started to feel self-conscious. He knew he should probably get up and go start his homework, but he was content to sit there and soak up Jess's smile and affection.
"Oh!" Jess grinned. "I almost forgot the most important part." Jeremy watched as Jess gently cupped the top of his knee and leaned forward, feeling choked up at what he knew was coming, watching Jess very gently place a quick kiss on the tail edge of the bandaid. Jess hadn't shaved in a couple of days and Jeremy felt a slight tickle as Jess's stubble came in contact with his knee. Jess sat back up, smiling warmly as he patted Jeremy on the side of his calf. "There. All better."
Jeremy felt overwhelmed by all of it, the gentle handling, the satisfaction Jess got from taking care of him, getting to live out the childhood fantasy of having a loving, doting parent.
"I've never kissed anyone's boo-boo better, either." Jess's smile was playful now. "In case you were wondering."
Jeremy nodded, feeling acute loss and extreme good fortune all at once. He was pretty sure his mom had been the only person to ever kiss a boo-boo of his. Not that he could remember her doing so, but he knew she had loved him and made him feel safe, could remember that much, and that kissing boo-boo's was what moms did. He was certain no one had done it since. Jeremy offered Jess a small but heartfelt smile, not trusting himself to bring up his mom, knowing his voice would be embarrassingly thick with emotion. He tried to keep it light, instead. "Well, you did a good job. No one would ever know you weren't a pro at it."
Jess's smile intensified. He reached out a hand and tousled Jeremy's hair playfully. "Thanks for always humoring me, kid. You're not too terrible. I hope you know that."
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"I would have made you breakfast, too, if I'd known you were going to be home this early." Jeremy sat at the kitchen table in front of a plate of half-eaten scrambled eggs and toast while he watched Jess and Winston greet each other at the door. He felt exhausted. Last night had been rough. He didn't know why he was thinking about his parents so much lately, especially his mom. It seemed counter-intuitive to spend so much time thinking about them even now when he finally had a forever family of his own. But, some nights, he couldn't keep his mind from churning over that loss, which usually led to a deep dive down the rabbit hole of all the other losses and rejections he had experienced. He became fixated on reliving the pain and loneliness that had made up the majority of his life before Jess. His mind was taken over by the deep-seated fear that only came out in the dark, the deep down voice that told him he could still end up in that place again, alone. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw a clip from the mental reel of shit from his childhood, the worse stuff, the old hurts and anxieties bearing down on him with a crushingly present intensity.
He had given up around two o'clock and taken a couple of hits from the vape pen. It hadn't felt like anything at first, but after a few minutes it had helped him calm down enough to get to sleep, but the effect hadn't lasted long enough to keep him out all night, and he had woken around quarter to five, exhausted but unable to get back to sleep no matter how hard he tried, and unsure if he should use the pen again so soon. He had lain in bed with a book, trying to get sleepy, but had given up around six-thirty, getting out of bed, feeding and walking Winston, taking a shower and making himself breakfast. At least he didn't have to work today. Luke had given him the day off to go check out the Renaissance Faire with Jess. He hadn't expected Jess back from Mallory's this early and he wondered if everything was all right with them.
Jess looked up with a smile. "That's ok. I'll just grab cereal or something." Jess walked past the table, Winston trotting dutifully behind him, cupped the side of Jeremy's head and dropped a kiss on top. "Mwah! How's my kid today?" Jeremy watched Jess fix himself a bowl of cereal at the kitchen counter.
Jeremy took in Jess' cheerful demeanor and decided nothing bad could have happened between him and Mallory. "I'm ok. Tired, but ok. Why are you home so early? Did Mallory kick you out or something?"
Jess gave him a playful frown and he walked back to the table carrying a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. It made Jeremy think about Luke. Jess was someone who drank coffee sometimes, but wasn't hooked enough to need it every morning. "No, smart-ass. She had an eight o'clock tennis game-"
Jeremy smirked. "So, she did kick you out, then?"
"No, she did not. I could have stayed there without her. I just figured I could hang out at her place by myself for two hours, or I could come home and hang out with my boys instead."
Jeremy watched Winston curl back up in his dog bed now that Jess had been sufficiently welcomed. "Is Mallory still coming to the Renaissance Faire with us today?"
Jess nodded as he finished chewing. "Yeah. She's still in. She's going to go home and shower after her tennis match and then come over here and we'll all head to the fair together." Jess smiled at him. "I still think it's a weird way to spend the day, but hopefully, we'll all have a good time." Jeremy gave him a small smile back, knowing that Jess was likely holding himself back from making a disparaging comment or two about Liz and TJ. He appreciated it. He appreciated Jess.
"TJ texted me last night." Jeremy said. "He said he'd meet us out front with another ticket for Mallory. He said that Liz probably won't be able to get away from her booth for very long because apparently she's much better at selling her jewelry than he is, but he offered for him and Doula to hang out with us and give us a tour."
Jess smiled so cheerfully that Jeremy could tell it was put on for his benefit, and it made him feel guilty. "That sounds good. That's very thoughtful of him."
"Hey, Jess?" Jeremy asked hesitantly, wanting to clear the air.
"Hey, Jeremy." Jess flashed him a grin before putting another spoonful of cereal in his mouth.
Jeremy smiled at the familiar joke. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for some of the stuff I said the other day when we were talking about Liz. I didn't mean to be so…..judgemental, I guess. I've just been thinking about my parents a lot lately and missing them, and I don't know, just thinking about my life and stuff. But, I know that my situation doesn't have anything to do with your situation with Liz and I shouldn't have said the stuff I said. And, I'm sorry I was kind of a jerk."
Jess was watching him steadily now, a small smile on his face. "I appreciate that, Jeremy. No hard feelings, ok?"
Jeremy nodded. "Ok. Thanks."
"And, I didn't think you were a jerk." Jess smiled at him. "And, it's not like I can't relate. I can remember being your age and judging the shit out of Luke and thinking I knew everything, especially how he should be living his life. It wasn't until I was well into my twenties that I really understood that he was the best judge of how he should live his life, not me."
Jeremy felt chastened and a little embarrassed, even though he didn't think that was what Jess had intended. He didn't feel warm, but he hoped he wasn't blushing anyway. "What kinds of things did you judge Uncle Luke for?"
"Let's see, what did I not judge that guy for?" Jess smiled warmly at Jeremy. "I judged him for being head over heels in love with Lorelai and not asking her out. For having taste so bad that he was in love with Lorelai to begin with. For hardly ever going out himself. For not having friends to go out with." Jess huffed out a laugh. "Which was really arrogant of me considering I had even less in the way of friends, and probably still do, cause, hey, at least Luke has Kirk." Jeremy smiled at that. "The number one thing I judged him for was probably his wardrobe of all flannel shirts and backward baseball caps. I picked on him constantly for that."
"It's definitely a limited wardrobe, but it kind of works on him. I can't really picture Uncle Luke without the flannel shirt and baseball cap."
"In the all the years I've known him, I've only seen him change up his wardrobe a handful of times." Jess paused. "All that really comes to mind are his own wedding and Liz and TJ's. Oh, and one time when he came out to Philly for an event at Truncheon. I didn't know for sure that he was coming and I swear for a second I didn't recognize him. I was just standing behind him thinking, hey, that guy looks kind of like my uncle, except he has hair and a dress shirt. It was a little freaky!" Jess grinned and took a sip of his orange juice.
Jeremy smiled. He always liked hearing Jess's family memories from before he himself had joined the family. He still felt like he had so much family history to fill in for everything he had missed.
"So." Jeremy could hear the forced casualness in that one syllable and knew something serious was likely coming. He watched Jess look down at his cereal bowl as he scooped up a spoonful. "You've been thinking about your parents a lot lately, huh?"
Jeremy just nodded, already sorry he had mentioned it. "Yeah. I mean, I guess I always do to some extent….."
"But, it's been pretty bad lately?" Jeremy frowned, feeling hurt at the connotation Jess was placing on his memory of his parents. The anxiety and old hurts that kept him up at night weren't good, but he didn't want his memories of his parents, especially his mom, to be classified as something inherently bad. Jess must have seen his reaction. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's not bad that you're thinking about your parents. I just meant that you've been doing it a lot lately. Right? Is that what you were saying?"
"Uh, yeah. More than usual, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to sleep at night when I start thinking about them and everything, especially my mom." Jess chewed thoughtfully as he listened to Jeremy.
"I've been thinking. I mean, not just because of this, but in general this is probably something I should have brought up sooner….."
"What?" Jeremy felt nervous, knowing from Jess's own discomfort that he likely wasn't going to like what Jess wanted to say.
"I was just wondering if you would be interested in seeing someone." Jess paused and seemed to be waiting for a response. "Someone like a therapist that you could talk to about what you're going through."
Jeremy could feel himself getting defensive. "Oh, yeah? What am I going through?" He tried to keep his tone neutral.
The determination seemed to drain from Jess's face. The man sighed. "I guess I just mean dealing with your past. The feelings you're having about your parents-"
"Missing my dead parents isn't a mental health issue, Jess." Jeremy knew his tone wasn't pleasant. He hadn't wanted to get into this this morning. He had just been sitting here eating breakfast, thinking he had the apartment to himself for a couple more hours. He wondered if Jess had felt accosted like this when he had started in on him about Liz the other day. "It's normal. I'll miss my mom for the rest of my life."
"I know. I know that. Of course you will. I didn't mean that it was something that needed to get fixed or anything. I just thought that maybe talking to a professional, maybe someone who specializes in grief counseling, or working with former foster kids." Jeremy felt like interrupting again. Telling Jess that there wasn't a 'former' there, or not a meaningful one, at least. That once a foster kid, always a foster kid. That having found a forever family had only made the smallest dent in quieting the anxiety and fear that had been a part of his life for as long as he could remember. But, he bit it back knowing it would sound terribly ungrateful. "Someone who can help you process how you feel about what you've been through." He stared at Jess, unsure how to respond. "It's just an idea. I thought it might help you."
Jeremy nodded. "Can I think about it?"
"Yeah. Of course you can." Jess gave his best everything's going to be ok smile. "Give it a nice long think and see what you come up with. Let me know if you're interested and I can check with Mallory to see if there's someone she recommends."
It occurred to Jeremy that this suggestion had likely come from Mallory. It wasn't a surprising recommendation, but it irked him all the same to think that Jess was discussing his issues with his girlfriend.
"Is this Mallory's idea?" Jeremy studied Jess carefully for signs of dishonesty.
"She may have mentioned something about it. She feels like everyone who's gone through a trauma, especially a childhood trauma, could benefit from therapy. But, it's something I'd thought about before, too, on my own, for you."
Jeremy finished off the last bite of his eggs. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Did you ever go to therapy for your childhood trauma with Liz?" Jeremy stared at Jess.
Jess sighed. "No. No, I didn't." Jess looked at Jeremy carefully. "But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. It doesn't even mean I shouldn't have. What I didn't isn't relevant to this. I don't want you to make a bad decision just because I did."
"I'll think about it." Jeremy picked up his empty plate and headed into the kitchen, feeling tight and twisted inside, somewhere between a victim and an asshole.
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Jeremy listened to Mallory and Jess talking in the front seat. Mallory was telling Jess, and Jeremy, too, he supposed, about the only other time she had been to a Renaissance Faire, when she was a kid and had gone with a friend's family.
Jeremy had only ridden in the backseat of the Mazda three times before. The first time had been short-lived, the day he and Jess had left Philadelphia and they had argued over Winston not having a seat belt. The other two times, the trip to the courthouse for his adoption and the trip to Boston for the Red Sox game, had been to give up the passenger seat to Luke, which had felt like the natural thing to do. He had known what was expected of him when they had gone out to the car this morning and had headed straight for the backseat. It's not that he had any resentment over giving Mallory his spot. He really didn't. It had felt like the appropriate thing to do the same way he would hold open a door for her. But, being in the backseat was giving him a new perspective this time, making him feel separate and distanced from the conversation in a way that it hadn't during the previous trips. It felt like a foreshadowing of what his life would be like as Jess and Mallory got closer, Mallory becoming Jess's most important person if she wasn't already, the two living together, getting married, starting a family of their own. Jeremy didn't necessarily think Jess would cut him out, but he worried that it would be easier to let himself drift off and end up alone, if he already felt like he was on the fringe.
"Hey, Jeremy." Jeremy looked up, meeting Jess's eye in the rear view mirror, the man's brow furrowed slightly in the reflection. "You awake back there? Mallory just asked you a question."
"What? Oh, uh, sorry." Jeremy pulled himself out of his head and focused on Mallory as she patiently repeated her question.
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"And you want kids, right? I mean, everybody wants kid, don't they?" Jeremy watched Liz smile in a way that he knew she thought would put Mallory at ease. Jeremy took another bite of the small vegetable pie on the table in front of him as he braced himself for the response from Jess that he knew was coming.
"Oh-" Mallory started, looking slightly caught off guard at the transition from things Liz didn't want them to miss at the fair to the topic of her having Jess's children, but not as uncomfortable as Jeremy would have expected.
"Jeez, Liz!" Jess's voice was slightly raised, and more than slightly annoyed. "You just met her. Do you honestly think that's any of your business?" They were sitting at a picnic table at the fair with Liz, who was decked out in full middle ages garb, a white peasant top with a built in bustier pushing her boobs up and out to the point of making Jeremy very uncomfortable when she had crushed him to her chest earlier in greeting, and a long flowing skirt. Jeremy had watched Jess valiantly rein in his irritation all day. When TJ's opening line to Mallory and Jeremy had been, seriously, you guys didn't even dress up. I knew my stepson here was no fun, but I was hoping you guys would be a good influence on him. Or when TJ had been showing them around and they had passed a series of bustier clad 'serving wenches' and TJ had elbowed Jeremy playfully, how do you like the T and A, huh, kid? There's nothing quite like a ren fair for some good eye candy. Or after the few minutes of introductions at Liz's booth, when TJ had insisted that he and Doula would hold down the fort for Liz so that she could spend time with her son and grandson, just as Jess was trying to make a gracious escape under the pretense of not interfering with Liz's sales.
"What?" Liz turned to her son, eyes big with innocent surprise as if she couldn't grasp the cause of his displeasure. "I'm just asking. A mother wants to know if she's getting more grandchildren. That's all. I love the grandson you already gave me." She smiled at Jeremy then and he dutifully returned it. "And I'm just wondering if I have more to look forward to. It's a natural question." She turned back toward Mallory. "Isn't it Mallory?" Then back toward Jess before Mallory could respond. "See, she gets it. She's a therapist. She understands human nature like I do." And, back to Mallory. "I bet you've counseled lots of women about sex and fertility issues. You get it. You know how important kids and grandkids are to women."
Jeremy watched Mallory's smile, knowing it was her professional 'I'm acting like you're not being crazy even though you are' smile as opposed to the more comfortable and authentic one he had come to recognize in spending time with her outside of school. "The majority of my counseling on sex involves telling people to insist on a condom if they can't abstain from sex all together." Jeremy watched Liz give her a puzzled look. "I'm a high school guidance counselor." Mallory explained with a bright smile.
"Oh." Liz frowned. "I thought Jess told me you were a sex therapist."
Jess scoffed. "I never said anything like-"
"But, even if they're young, abstinence feels like such harsh advice. Teenagers are very sexual beings." She nodded sagely and turned toward him. "What do you think, Jeremy? I bet you like to have sex, don't you?"
When he first met his grandparents, questions like this used to scare the crap out of Jeremy, inducing a small panic complete with blushing, sweating and rapid heart beat. But, that was before he had learned the pattern and realized he would always be saved before he had to respond when Jess was around. And, Liz didn't seem so out of control in regard to boundaries when he wasn't. "Jesus Christ, Liz! Don't ask him questions like that! Do you really think that's something he wants to discuss with his grandmother?"
"See?" Liz was emphatic now. "That's what's so messed up with society. Everyone's so repressed sexually. It shouldn't be such a taboo subject that a teenage boy doesn't feel comfortable discussing sex with his grandmother." She turned back to Mallory. "It's sad really. Don't you think?"
"Oh, well, I-"
"Liz, how are jewelry sales going today?" Jess's voice was too loud, held too much forced cheerfulness and thinly veiled attitude. Jeremy could appreciate his attempt to shield Mallory from an awkward conversation with his mother, but he knew it wasn't going to go over well.
Jeremy watched Liz's face fall. "Honey. You tell me what questions I can't ask my own grandson. You tell me what I can and can't talk to your girlfriend about. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say to anyone around you anymore." It hit Jeremy why Liz's situation with Jess played so heavily on his sympathies. The level of desperation she exuded around Jess wasn't there when Jeremy spent time with Liz's family in Jess's absence. She clearly felt safe and loved around TJ and Doula and was able to lower her intensity a bit with them, but when she was with Jess, it seemed like she was always on too loud, her switch cranked up too high, trying too hard, to be accepted by her son, to be loved, to be considered family. Jeremy knew Liz had been a shitty mom when Jess had been young, he trusted Jess implicitly and believed the stories he had been told, but when he was watching the current day Liz, it was hard to not feel for her when her desperation felt so familiar. He knew he was watching Liz constantly audition for the role of Jess's mother just as he had spent his childhood in one prolonged tryout for the part of someone's son.
Jess sighed heavily. "Maybe we could change the subject. You know, to something other than sex. Maybe pretend we're a normal family, at least in front of Mallory. Just a crazy thought."
Liz shook her head as if Jess's words made her very sad for him. "I can't believe I raised a son who's so concerned with being normal." She smiled then. "It's almost funny when you think about it."
Jeremy watched Mallory's hand disappear under the table. Jess glanced her way, a small smile of appreciation on his face as their eyes locked for a moment, leaving Jeremy feeling like an outsider witnessing something private. Mallory turned back to Liz and Jeremy felt confident she would be able to reroute the derailed conversation, fix things in a way that was beyond his own abilities and Jess's willingness. "After lunch, I would love to take a longer look at your jewelry, Liz. My mother's birthday is coming up, and I'd like to buy something for her. She really appreciates unique, artisan jewelry, and from what I got to see earlier, I think she would love your work." Jeremy watched Mallory. He felt a little in awe of her calm demeanor, her mastery of emotional intelligence in dealing with other people, being able to right the course without making anyone feel foolish for having made a wrong turn to begin with. Jeremy had a feeling that Mallory would be a part of any long term improvement that ever occured between Jess and his mother.
"Oh, sweetie, of course!" Liz enthused, smiling warmly at Mallory. Jeremy could tell that she was flattered. "You pick out anything you want for your mom, honey. On the house. My gift to you. It's the least I can do for the girl dating my son." Her smile became conspiratorial then. "Possibly my future daughter-in-law."
Jess exhaled forcefully, his annoyance clear.
"What now, honey?" Liz asked, with a smirk at Mallory before turning to Jess. "I'm just saying. I have a sense about these things. You know I do." She turned back to Mallory. "It's true. I don't want to say I'm psychic, exactly, but I do get these feelings. And, I'm very good at reading people. That's all I'm saying."
