Chapter Seven: Splinter, Crack, Break

Ritsu's bright green eyes glanced up as he heard Takano's front door shut, followed by the quiet footsteps of the editor as he reentered his apartment.

"Was that an ambulance?" The brunette asked, his gaze drifting towards the window where he could still faintly hear sirens. The taller man had hear the commotion too and had gone downstairs to investigate.

Takano nodded soberly.

"Yeah. They just hauled away Araki-kun."

Onodera gawked.

"You mean Ijuuin's assistant who lives next door? Did you hear what was wrong?"

Takano shook his head.

"No, but I saw a hell of a lot of blood."

The chestnut haired man grimaced at the word, swallowing a bad taste in his mouth as he tried not to think too much about it.

Takano plopped on the couch next to Onodera, picking up his neglected manuscript. The brunette quickly went back to the book he'd been reading, trying to ignore the furious grunts the head editor made while he read through the author's work. Not five minutes later, Takano slammed the stack of papers back onto the coffee table, his jaw clenched in fiery rage.

"How dare that Hatori feed me this crap." He growled in a low tone. "Between him and Kisa that makes three rewrites just this week! I am THIS CLOSE to firing their asses right this minute!"

Onodera's brow furrowed at the man's anger.

"Why don't you give them a break for once?" He muttered. "Your yelling is probably just stressing them out even more."

Takano turned his stern eyes to the brunette, who was still trying to look like he was vigorously caught up in prose but failing miserably. But although his glare lights were turned on, the editor turned back to his stack of papers, silently fuming rather than blowing up at the comment.

Onodera noticed this, and his eyes narrowed slyly as he thought of something.

"You know…" He spoke slowly, not looking at the other man. "They would probably know what you wanted better if you were there."

"I realize that," Takano replied simply. "But it's not possible right now."

Ritsu's lips tightened.

"…And why not?"

Takano's eyebrows slowly rose at Onodera's quiet, but poignant words. He straightened up, turning his gaze to the smaller man.

"It's a little more than obvious Onodera. I have to stay here to take care of you."

Ritsu's lips tightened again, coiling like a spring.

"…No you don't."

Takano's tiger eyes widened at those three words, but his brow arched.

"It might have been true in the past," Onodera continued soberly. "But my condition has improved enough that I can get back to my own life. I'm considerably better now."

The brunette slightly lifted his chin at these words, and for the first time, he looked up from his book and met the taller man's gaze.

But even in his aloof state, Onodera was taken aback. He did not expect the man's eyes to be so dark.

"Your condition is still not up for debate." The shadow haired man spoke sharply, causing the brunette's jaw to clench.

Onodera bristled.

"How I feel is not left to you to decide!"

"You're blowing that out your ass." Takano retorted. "Look! You're hands are shaking."

The smaller man's eyes flickered down to his lap, and he was surprised to see quivers in his upper limbs. He'd been so caught up in the argument he hadn't even noticed. Even still, he wasn't ready to surrender.

"Takano-san," He spoke in a low tone. "I am not a child. I am an adult and I am capable of taking care of myself at my own apartment."

Takano's face contracted.

"The doctor only let you out of the hospital ON THE CONDITION that you had a caretaker 24/7."

"The DOCTOR doesn't need to know!"

The darker man's mouth dropped in awed fury.

"What is wrong with you! Why are you so HELL BENT on leaving here?"

Onodera gritted his teeth, but his anger boiled to the point where the lid wouldn't hold against the pressure.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE!" He all but yelled, smacking his book down onto the coffee table. But his narrowed green eyes widened in pure shock as Takano barked out a single laugh.

The taller man's fierce eyes locked on him, and there was almost a smile at the man's lips.

"What, that old line again? Don't you have any newer ones to spill?"

But their expressions quickly reversed as Onodera shot off the couch, his face contorted with a rage that Takano had never seen.
"Don't you DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" He snarled like a rabid dog, his green eyes taking on a sick, noxious glint.

The taller man was aghast at the brunette's face. Not once in this lifetime had he ever witnessed Onodera give such a manic, violent display. He got angry yes, but he always managed to be polite in spite of that.

Now was different. He was callous and raw, a cornered animal out for blood.

What was making him act this way?

In spite of his shock, Takano had dealt with raging people before, so he immediately cooled the expression on his own face. Even if he was pissed himself, his first priority was to try to get the brunette to calm down.

"Okay, sorry." He apologized blandly, raising a palm.

But not one muscle in Onodera's face relaxed. He turned slightly, still glaring at the other man.

"I'm going home."

"Onodera listen—"

"I'M GOING HOME!" The brunette screamed at him, a strange flush beginning to seep into his pale cheeks.

Takano's own anger began to rise, and even though it was against his better judgment, he wanted to bite back.

"NO, you are not." He growled, folding his toned arms across his chest.

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME!" The brunette hollered back. But immediately after his outburst, the taller man grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back against the wall, large hands holding him in place. Onodera sucked in a furious, scared, shaky breath, his eyes locked on the man before him.

"Onodera," Takano snarled out. "You're being incredibly selfish."

Onodera hands shot up in a flash and shoved the taller man back with a surprising amount of strength.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" He yelled, his steady breaths becoming frantic pants. Takano's anger was momentarily quelled as he noticed that the brunette's frame had begun to shake. Even still, he wasn't about to stop the ball.

"Onodera, what's your problem?" He barked out.

"You're my problem!" The brunette shot back, clenching his small fists.

"That's what you always say." Takano growled back. "Why don't you try being more specific for a change?"

His harsh words just made Onodera angrier, and now his entire body was trembling with rage. The brunette lowered his head, sucking in fast, shallow breaths.

"I HATE YOU." He snarled out between his chattering teeth.

The equally sharp words sliced Takano, but the adrenaline thundering through his body dulled the pain.

"WHY?" He shot out. "WHY do you hate me?"

Onodera clamped his teeth together, pressure and more pressure building up and screaming for release inside his head. Takano glared at him. He could see the brunette was struggling, but right now, all he wanted was to push him harder. Only by doing that could he know the truth.

The dark man took a step towards Onodera, who immediately flinched and stumbled backwards.

"Don't come near me!" He yelped, blinking rapidly as hot tears began to gather around his wide eyes.

Takano took another step, forcing the brunette to put his back to the wall.

"Tell me." He commanded.

The brunette shook harder with rage, looking at Takano as if he hated every strand and fiber of him. Takano scowled back just as harshly, and moved closer. Onodera's eyes quickly searched for exits, but he stopped cold as a large hand slammed into the wall next to his head.

"ONODERA!" Takano barked. "Tell me!"

"NO!" The panicked brunette cried back.

"TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Onodera screamed, clamping both hands onto his head and digging his fingers into his scalp. He yelped when Takano grabbed one of his pale wrists and jerked it, a crystal tear falling loose and slipping down his cheek.

"WHY?" The man raged. "Why do you hate me Onodera? Why do you flinch when I touch you? When I make love to you why do you look away!"

The brunette let out a muffled sob, using his free hand to cover his mouth. His face was flushed and red now, and he was trying to hold back his whirlwind emotions with every ounce of restraint he had.

But Takano knew it was time. It was time to cut to the core. Onodera had been stripped of all his fronts, all his vagueness and denial.

Now whatever had been sleeping inside him all this time was about to bear its head.

"Is it because of what happened in high school?" Takano spoke sharply, tightening his grip on the thin wrist. "Because of that misunderstanding? Because you got hurt? Isn't it about time that you realize that it was all an accident! The past is the past Onodera, you have to let that go or you'll never be able to get a hold of yourself again!"

"AUHHH!"

Takano's eyes shot open as the brunette let out a wailing scream and shoved him back, breaking his grip in the process. Another tear leaked out and pattered onto the floor.

"You really have no idea, do you!" The brunette spat out, holding his throbbing head in his hands.

"No idea about what—"

"YOU BROKE ME!" Onodera wailed out, cutting him off. "And it took years to put myself back together! I grew up trying to gain confidence in who I was and what I loved, and your careless slight completely shattered what little I had!"

Takano's lips parted in shock as he watched the smaller man's demeanor splinter and crack like a piece of wood being broken over a stone.

"Onodera listen—"

"NO!" The brunette cut him off again. "YOU LISTEN! You wanted to know! Then listen to what you did to me! I had never loved anyone before then, and when you returned my love I trusted you! And then after we broke up, I tried to love and trust other people! But all I could think was, 'Is this person going to hurt me like that bastard did?' I could never bring myself to open up to anyone because of you, so I buried myself in my work with books! I even started to gain a bit of happiness again!"

The brunette only grew more frantic as he wailed out, his volume reaching screaming heights.

"And THEN OF ALL THE FUCKING THINGS THAT COULD'VE HAPPENED, I TRANSFER TO A NEW COMPANY AND YOU'RE MY GODDAMNED FUCKING BOSS! NOW I CAN'T EVEN WORK WITHOUT SEEING YOU AND REMEMBERING ALL THAT I'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH!"

The smaller man was sobbing violently by this point, choking and screaming his words out as if he were vomiting something rotten in his stomach. Takano's anger was immediately stripped from him as Onodera's words rattled like chains inside his head, and he found himself unable to move or react.

"AND NOW WITH THIS BABY, YOU'VE EVEN TAKEN AWAY MY WORK! YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME AND I HATE YOU FOR IT! I WISH I'D NEVER EVER MET YOU! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR SO I COULD LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY MISERABLE LIFE ALONE IN PEACE!"

With a final cry, the brunette knees gave out and he slumped to the floor, his pouring tears raining down onto the wood grain. He gripped his hair roughly as he cried, his forehead almost touching the floor as he quivered and shook.

But his weeping eyes opened with shock as he felt a warm pair of hands take his shoulders. Takano took the smaller man into his strong arms, resting his cheek against the top of the chestnut head.

Onodera struggled, but found strangely that he didn't have as much energy as before. His arms were lead as he tried to push the other man away, and when that didn't work, he grew more frustrated.

"L—Let go! Let go!" He wailed, still shifting around. "Let go…Please let go…"

"Onodera…" Takano almost choked out. "Please, listen to me now…Even…Even though I know how you feel about me, I want you to know that I still love you."

Onodera's brow creased and he let out another sob.

"…let go…"

But Takano didn't budge.

"Maybe you associate me with pain…but I associate you with happiness. As long as I tried to go on…I couldn't forget you…And I never have…"

The dark-haired editor wrapped his arms tighter around the one he loved, and was slightly surprised when he felt the brunette completely relax. He lowered his head to look at Onodera's face, but his eyebrows shot up when he did.

Onodera's red rimmed eyes were barely even open, and his head had begun to unsteadily sway.

"Onodera?" Takano said worriedly. "Are you alright? Say something."

"Uh…d—don't feel good…feel weak…"

And with those last, creaky words, the chestnut head lolled back and the small body went limp. Takano hands quickly snatched the form to his chest, and he hurriedly moved to the brunette's jaw to check his pulse. His eyes widened when he touched the pale, clammy skin that was way too warm.

"Oh my god you're burning up." Takano whispered. "Hang in there Onodera…" He said, grabbing his cell phone and rapidly dialing the number for the hospital.


Phew. Holy Christ this took forever to write. I'm exhausted.

Well, in spite of the fact that I've sent both my pregnant ukes to the hospital, I hope you all are still enjoying the story :) I realize the angst is rather dark in this fic, but believe me when I say that there will be light in this story as well. I'm inclined to believe that you appreciate light more when you've been in darkness.

Anyways, I want to talk a bit about Onodera in my author's notes today. It has been my observation in the Nakamura fandom world that this particular character gets more than his share of flack from the readers, even in the reviews for this story. I kind of wondered for awhile why everyone is so impatient with him, and since he is one of the main perspectives in this story, I had to study his character deeply so I could write him.

So we are going to have a little lecture I like to call "The Psychology of Onodera Ritsu." :)

First of all, it seems most often that people blame Onodera for the failed relationship of nostalgia. In other words, him taking off and breaking Takano's heart. But I'm inclined to believe neither one of them shared the blame, but their immature mindsets created much more drama than intended.

First of all, consider Onodera's family. From the thankfully small portion we've seen of his mother, it appears she is an overbearing, smothering, control freak. Onodera's nit-picky, critical mother is probably the best explanation I can think of for his lack of self-confidence and overall jumpiness. And when he started to encounter problems with Takano, he freaked out and split from the overwhelming humiliation of being "led on" by someone he loved. My guess is that reaction came from his upbringing more than anything.

(and of course all this stuff will be addressed in upcoming chapters but I just need to get this out of my system)

Also, the setup of SIH is also a good explanation of why people are impatient with Onodera. With yaoi readers, (including myself) something we are all just waiting for the damn couple to get together so they can fuck. In Nakamura's other hit Junjou Romantica, we got smut within the first twenty pages. Whereas with SIH, we had to wait like FIVE WHOLE chapters just to get to jerking off. And then to top that all off, jerked off uke doesn't want anything to do with jerking off seme, so the fucks are few and far between. I know the first time I read SIH I was pissed that there was minimal smut, and so I glossed over Onodera's backstory and his emotions because I was more focused on the relationship (and the fucking) rather than the individuals.

In addition, most readers are just more impatient with Onodera in general, as opposed to Misaki, Hiroki, or even Miyagi, simply because he does not want to date period. Misaki is naive, Hiroki is more jaded, and Miyagi just doesn't give a fuck, but Onodera actually resists any sort of relationship. It really tends to irk the reader, as the gorgeous talented Takano is rejected because of this resisting.

...oh dear god I've written an essay... *head/desk *

Anyways, the more I write Onodera, the more I actually really begin to identify and like him, and so I hope by shedding some light on his psyche that we can understand his actions a bit better.

New chapter will be up soon :)

And Cerberus, sorry it took me so long XD It's those damn nekos. They go to my head like alcohol and money.

Kisses! Thank you all so much for the favs, reviews, and just reading! ^_^

TBF101