Chapter 8:

The New Rangers

Once The Nightcrawler and Amethyst were done fucking each other, The Nightcrawler guided Steven and the other dipshits towards the holy land where they expected to find Zordon's spirit: It was a crystalline floating palace made from some unknown minerals that only existed on planet Elthar, and it was surrounded by four halo-like rainbows that gave the place a more dreamlike ambient.

Steven and his dipshit friends were totally impressed by the mere sight of such heavenly place, like the filthy plebs they were, and they were left speechless for a couple of minutes until a mysterious voice coming from inside the palace called them:

"Please, came in! We have been waiting for you, brave warriors…" said the voice, and the whole group was carried by the Nightcrawler inside the crystalline palace that belonged to Zordon's spirit.

Inside the palace there were a bunch of figures dressed with white and silver cloaks, and some of that people were old but they were all good-looking anyway: They were the wise men of Elthar, and some other allies of Zordon, including Dulcea from planet Phaedos, Dimitria, Ninjor, and Dulla, who was the twin sister of Dimitria and who also used to be the villain Divatox, that almost killed all the Rangers and forced them to go to space to survive. But she was purified by Zordon's wave (at the end of Power Rangers in Space) and she was good now.

"Greetings, warriors from planet earth…" said a deep voice that came from inside a big floating crystal which was big enough to contain an elephant, maybe two. There was a light inside the crystal, and that light was Zordon's spirit.

"Zordon, you gotta help us!" Steven said with a note of urgency in his voice. "The Earth is in danger and it needs you again to protect it from an evil enemy!"

"I know, Steven…" Zordon's spirit replied serenely. "At the moment when you made eye contact with the magic crystal that contains my spirit, I was informed of the whole situation…Hmmm…That Clarence kid is some fucked up dude, but he is not invincible. Somebody needs to kick his fucking fatass really hard…"

"Agreed, but who is going to do that?" Connie intervened, while snapping her fingers in a very sassy manner. "The bastard has some motherfucking demonic power and some motherfucking demon servants on his side…And also his pyscho Nazi friends have some motherfucking demonic powers that could make even motherfucking Rambo will crap his underpants in fear…"

"Maybe we could ask the current Power Ranger team for help…" Steven suggested.

Zordon's spirit and the others chuckled at this suggestion.

"Nah…" Zordon's spirit replied. "These losers are currently busy trying to find "the lost galaxy" or some shit like that…I don't know, I never cared that much about them anyway. They are not cool as Jason, Tommy, Andros, and the other cool dipshits…But I agree that something needs to be done about this Clarence motherfucker…And I will do it now…"

Suddenly, the whole crystal palace was covered by some bright silver light and everyone had to put some black sunglasses on their faces for protection.

"Zordon, what the fuck is happening?" Dulcea asked. "What are you doing?"

"Are you going to fight against this motherfucking Clarence kid?" Ninjor asked.

"Cool!" Steven exclaimed enthusiastically, doing that annoying star-thing with the irises from his eyes again. Connie and the others thought he looked like a total moron, but they were used to that by that point of their lives.

"No, dumbasses…How I am supposed to fight if I don't have a fucking body? Who you think I am? Fucking Pazuzu, or any other fucking demon that could possess kids to do the dirty work for them? I mean, I always made kids do the dirty work for me, but not in that way…No, stupid fuckers… That is not way of doing things…"

"Well, then what you are going to do, space old fart?" Amethyst asked in a very wacky, totally irreverent manner. Thankfully, Zordon did not hear her words, because he was busy concentrating in being awesome.

"Listen, earthlings, this is what I am going to do…" Zordon proclaimed, as his powerful, deep baritone voice echoed in the walls of the crystalline palace. "I am not supposed to reincarnate until 100 years and a half, but if wait another 250 years for my next reincarnation, I can give you some sweet-ass supowerpowers that will be more than enough to defeat Clarence and to kick his lardass back to hell with one single kick! I will make you and your friends the next rangers!"

"Oh my God!" Steven exclaimed in awe. "OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodOHMYFUCKINGGOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD! THIS IS THE FUCKING BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I ALWAYS DREAMT WITH THIS MOMENT SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN!"

"Huh…" Mayor Dewey said "I'm not really sure if I would like to be a Power Ranger…I mean…Aren't the Power Rangers supposed to be like, teens? And I, as you can see good sir, stopped being a teen a long time ago…A long, long time ago…"

"Nonsense!" Zordon replied. "Jason David Frank is still a Power Ranger and he is like, fifty now! You are just looking for excuse to avoid going to the battlefield! Fucking coward!"

"But I just…"

"Shut up! Stop talking! I don't want to hear your shitty complaints! Everybody would love to be a motherfucking Power Ranger. So be quiet and stand still while I give you and your dipshit friends some motherfucking ranger powers!"

And before Mayor Dewey or anyone else could say a single word, Zordon zapped Steven and co. with a multicolored beam of light that transformed them into the new Power Rangers and also gave to each one of them a mecha-zord with the shape of their respective totem:

Steven became the Red Ranger, the red lion.

Connie became the Yellow Ranger, the yellow tigress.

Mayor Dewey became the Blue Ranger, the blue orca.

Mr. Gus became the Green Ranger, the green Komodo Dragon.

Giant Realistic Flying Tiger became the Pink Ranger, the Pink koala (Lol, I bet you were expecting to be tiger, cos she is tiger but NOT! Also, there's no rule that forbids animals of being Power Rangers, since Power Rangers: S.P.D had a dog alien Power Ranger, so then a tiger can be a Power Ranger too.)

Aunt Grandma became the Black Ranger, the black mamba (Though her outfit had some shades of silver and grey)

And Tiny Miracle became a badass robot like the Phantom Ranger. He had a mecha-zord that resembled a velociraptor with dragon wings.

Uncle Grandpa's magical Belly Bag and Amethyst did not become anything because Zordon already wasted all the power he could use by that moment and needed a recharge of 3 months.

"Aw, damn…" Steven said. "I wanted to be the pink ranger. What a wasted opportunity to fight against those archaic gender stereotypes that still affect modern fiction!"

"Yeah, whatever…" Zordon said. "Now you have the Power Ranger powers and fucking Neo Megazords, so go back to earth and kick Clarence's back to hell!"

"Okay, but before leaving, I have a little question…" Steven said.

"Steven, I don't think now is the best time for making your usual idiotic questions…"

"Connie, I don't know if I would ever have another chance to meet Zordon again, and there was something I always wanted to know! Please, let me make my question!"

"Is some fucking stupid question about Alpha 5, isn't it?"

"Yeaaah…So my question is…What happened to him?"

Zordon sighed before answering Steven's stupid question.

"The enemies blew up him, so I had to rebuild him as the Phantom Ranger, making him more badass and less whiny…"

"Cool!" Steven replied while his eyes did again that stupid star thing.

The new Power Ranger team was ready to go back to earth, but then Amethyst start whining in a very annoying manner.

"Fucking hell, NOW WHAT?" Zordon asked with annoyance.

"Is not fair! Is not fair!" whined Amethyst. Her raspy voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"What? What is not fucking fair?" Ninjor asked then.

"Huh-Huh…"Amethyst stuttered…" I WANT TO HAVE FUCKING BIG MEGAZORD AND BIG FUCKING POWER RANGER SUIT, BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANY OF THAT! WHY LIFE HAS TO BE SO UNFAIR? IS BECAUSE I A BIT OVERWEIGHT? I THINK ZORDON HATES OPVERWEIGHT PEOPLE! I MEAN, WHY THERE HAS NOT BEEN ANY FAT POWER RANGER YET, HUH? WHY DOES ZORDON HATES FAT PEOPLE, HUH? IS BECAUSE US DON'T CONFORM TO HIS ARCHAIC (And frankly fucked up) IDEALS OF "BEAUTY" AND NORMALITY, HUH? AND WHY HE MADE THE BLACK DUDE THE BLACK RANGER AND THE ASIAN ONE THE YELLOW RANGER, AND THEN KICKED THEM OUT AS IF THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FUCKED UP MISTAKES, HUH? AND WHY THE PINK RANGER IS FEMALE, HUH? AND WHY THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY FEMALE RED RANGER AS LEADER OF THE TEAM, HUH? AND WHY THE SIXTH RANGER NEVER IS FEMALE, HUH? AND WHY THE MEGAZORDS DO NOT HAVE FEATHERS SINCE ACTUAL DINOSAURS HAD FEATHERS AS SOME RECENT STUDIES HAVE SHOWN, HUH? AND WHY ONE OF THEM IS A DRAGON? DRAGONS ARE NOT FUCKING DINOSAURS, GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT, ZORDON! FUCKING HELL, ZORDON, YOU MADE SO MANY FUCKING MISTAKES, ZORDON! SO MANY FUCKING MISTAKES!"

"Jesus Christ" Zordon whispered. "Listen, if I give you some robot space-ship and some shitty spandex suit, will you cease your infernal blabbering?"

"Yes. Maybe…Who knows?"

"Eeeehhh…" Zordon cringed. "Listen, Ninjor, give this dipshit some of your used ninjabots and some leather oufit you use for your BDSM…Anything just to made this Jammerlappen to shut the fuck up…"

So in that way, Ninjor gave Amethyst some of their used Ninjabots and some sexy bondage leather outfit to make her stop whining about everything.

"There you go…" Zordon said with disdain. "Are you happy now?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I am…" Amethyst replied, with a smug smile on her face.

"Good. Now get the fuck out of here and go back to earth to kick Clarence's ass back to hell where it belongs!"

"Yes, sir!" Steven said, with so much fucking badass determination that he almost sounded as a completely different person.

"Eh, I'm still not really sure about this…" muttered Mayor Dewey, feeling uncomfortable with the spandex suit that did not leave very much to the imagination, but the others glared at him so he decided to keep his doubts and complaints for himself.

"Good luck with your mission on Earth, darling!" The Nightcrawler said to Amethyst before she left Eltar with others.

Moments later, the new Power Ranger team (and Amethyst) travelled back to earth, ready to have their final fight against Clarence and his evil friends Jeff and Sumo, and their army of Nazi demons as well. Now they had the power to do that.

"Huh, Amethyst…" Steven asked. "Are you going to leave the Gem spaceship abandoned in planet Eltar? Shouldn't we try to tow it back to earth just in case we need it again?"

"Fuck that shit!" Amethyst replied "That fucking thing gave so many bad memories of all the fucking Gem orgies I wasn't invited! If that fucking shit have a fucking self-destruct button I would have pushed it a long time ago!"

"Gee, Amethyst, I was just was asking…Calm the fuck down…"

"YOU CALM DOWN!" Amethyst replied angrily. And angstily also, cos then Amethyst start crying:

"I just want to be LOVED! Why I wasn't invited to all those fucking Gem orgies? Is all fault of Pearl and Garnet, those crazy hos! Fucking Crazy hos!"

Steven and the others remained silent, feeling very uncomfortable of being in the middle of such an awkward situation.

"When the fuck this fucking shitty Power Ranger adventure bullshit is going to be fucking over?" Connie asked herself, looking at her watch. "Damn. I'm so done with this shit…"

Meanwhile, back on planet Eltar some animals found the abandoned Gem spaceship, and they also found the secret fridge where the Gems kept their food, beers, cigarettes and drugs for their secret orgies, and accidentally some of them drank the beer and inhaled the smoke from the cigarettes and drugs and they went drunk or stoned or both things at the same time and started tripping balls and started fucking each other, even those animals they were not supposed to fuck.

It was a very weird for the whole jungle, and there were a lot of wacky and awkward situations that lasted some days once the drug craze and the animal orgies were finally over in the jungle from Planet Eltar.

To be continued…