Chapter 8

My Edward is so doubtful of himself. At first I thought it something sweet, like he just needed a bit more confidence. Once upon a time I thought I could give him that confidence, but the past few months had proven my hopes to be hopeless. No matter what I did, no matter how much reassurance I gave him, it didn't work. He still doubts himself all the time, still second guesses my love for him, and it's beginning to drive me crazy.

He made one mistake. Sure that mistake had scarring consequences, but that was my fault, not his. He blames and blames himself for letting me slip out of his radar when he should be blaming me. Im the one that snook away, im the one that didn't tell anyone. Im the one that walked into the face of danger, foolishly and naively wanting to save someone that wasn't there to be saved. It was my fault.

I was happy to be the one to give Edward constant reassurance, to be the one that built him up when he knocked himself down. But his attitude took on a new low when he actually misinterpreted my words to think I was leaving him. Of course my natural reflex was to reassure him once again, but long car journeys offer quiet time, time to reflect on the things that have been said and done. And after all I had done, no matter how many times I told him how I felt, he still thought I could leave him just like that. I knew his confidence in himself was pretty low, but I never thought his confidence in me was that low too.

It hurt that he could think so little of me. I was tired, of always giving the reassurance, of always building him back up, of always loving and having it thrown back in my face. I loved Edward more than I've ever loved anyone, and he still couldn't see it. That's what hurt the most. My efforts had gone unrewarded long enough, I began to wonder if there was any point to me trying any more. I didn't want to give up on him, but there are only so many times a girl can get knocked down before she has no choice but to give up. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and I wondered if that meant no more being the builder-upper, no more putting my feelings on the table for them to be brushed aside and thought of as lies.

I don't know what to do any more. I don't want to give up on him, but there's only so much more I can take.

Edward wanted to take me back to his house, but he didn't put up a fight when I told him I was going home. It had only been a few days since I had seen my dad, but I missed him more than I thought I would. It would seem I've gotten rather attached to him a lately.

As Edward got my bag out of the car I ran to my father, he stood in the doorway with his arms open, I didn't hesitate to hug him. As a squeezed my arms around his torso he rested his head on mine, I don't think we've ever held each other like this before. Maybe this short separation gave us both a wakeup call. I was glad to be home.

Edward greeted my dad politely and gave some fake reason as to why he had to excuse himself, giving us some privacy. Under watchful eyes he gave me a gentle peck on my cheek before whispering "I'll see you soon" almost so quiet I couldn't hear, we couldn't risk Charlie knowing his underage daughter has her boyfriend in her room every night while she sleeps. The chief of police wouldn't look too kindly on that, let alone the parent in him.

"Bella" Charlie started "I know it's the summer and you don't have the commitment of school, but I would appreciate some forewarning next time you decide to take a mini-break" his expression was serious but kind.

"I know dad, im sorry, no more impulse trips"

"And plus you've were staying over at Alice's for almost a week before that! Hell, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages" his words cut at my conscience, I felt guilty for leaving Charlie out of the loop. Of course he could never know the truth, but I needed to stop isolating myself from him, it wasn't doing either of us any good.

"I missed you dad!" I confessed before encasing him in another hug.

"Aw Bells, I missed you too" he replied. I knew my dad wasn't big on displays of affection so I guessed the expression on his face wouldn't be a comfortable one, but I was happy of it nonetheless.

Once the emotional level got too high for his feelings shy father he released me from his arms. "Go on up and get your things unpacked" he said with a look of embarrassment at this display. I responded with smile before I left him to his baseball game.

Of course Edward was already in my room waiting for me when I got there, a part of me hoped that he wouldn't be, but I hid that part right in the back of my mind so he couldn't see. He watched silently as I unpacked my things, put my dirty clothes in the wash, and straightened out my room. When I was finally done I joined him on the bed and perched myself on his lap, wrapping my arms around him so I could rest my head on his shoulder.

As my own shoulders moved up and down continuously from my breathing, Edwards stayed perfectly still, hard as stone. Even in his protective hold I still felt confused, my feelings conflicted each other. These were the arms I wanted around me, I never wanted them to let go. But these arms weren't the whole package, the mind came too. And with the mind came doubt and fear and self-deprecation to ridiculous limits. Could I stay in these arms when they didn't truly believe I wanted to be there?

It was twilight outside, the sun had gone to bed and so would I. I was drained from the day's events, I just wanted to bury my head in the pillows and sleep through all my confusion. Maybe when I wake up everything will be better. Or maybe I'll wake up to the face of the man that truly believes I don't love him.


A/N - Uh oh, Bella isn't feeling to good about Edward right now :(

I know this story is kinda depressing but im a teenager, being depressing is what im good at :L Life is full of miserable things, and every happiness has some sort of downside, and im not going to ignore that fact. Everyone has doubts and everyone is selfish to a degree, Bella just needs to figure out if she's strong enough to put herself out there and be vulnerable in order to get Edward to respond, or if she's not as willing as she needs to be.

Im a fairly 'glass half empty' sort of girl but this story won't always be like that, If you stick with me you'll see ;) but to truly appreciate the good we must first experience the bad. (and the depressing)