A/N I normally don't start a story with a note from me, but if any of you guys were alerted that this chapter had posted, let me know in the comments because many are saying they were not alerted. :(
Day 13
Although the previous day had gone well despite the unfortunate circumstances of day eleven, day thirteen was a sharp turnaround that set my progress back drastically.
I had woken around 3:00 a.m., lying on my pretty new blue comforter, and puked all over it. Sweat beaded along my hairline and my hands shook violently.
I had been dreaming of Tyler.
My mind had painted vivid pictures of Tyler as he came after me. I recalled the way his eyes were wild and his lips were curved every so slightly in an arrogant smirk. My skin crawled as I felt his fingers grip at my legs, my torso, my breasts. My stomach convulsed as I felt droplets of his spit slide down the side of my neck after he ran his harsh tongue across it. And then just as suddenly as I saw him that way, his face morphed into this bloody, deformed, bulbous mass set on top of a rotting corpse. A swollen tongue lolled out of the opening meant to be a mouth and he continued to grab at me, his fingers now leaving the gooey slime of decomposed flesh wherever he touched. He leaned forward and I was met with the putrid stench of a decaying man before the engorged tongue landed on my cheek.
And then I woke up vomiting.
My 24-hour watch person sent the night nurse to my room when they saw me on the monitors. The nurse escorted me to the bathroom and told me to clean up while she helped the janitor in my room.
As I stood in the empty bathroom, staring at myself in the round mirror, I cringed at the emptiness I saw filling my eyes. My mind was beginning the process of shutting down where it would crawl back into its hidey-hole and sound the alarms that would trigger complete numbness. This was my defense. In times of distress, I would stop thinking, stop feeling. I would become this hollow shell of a person and not give a shit about anything.
I walked over to the shower, turned on the cold water, and stepped inside, still fully dressed in my oversized sleep t-shirt and cotton shorts. Each drop of the freezing water stung my skin on contact, but I welcomed the sensation. I had been doing so well yesterday. I wasn't ready to take two steps back. I needed to make sure that I kept feeling something.
I backed up against the tiled wall, and slid to a sitting position. The steady stream of water continued to rain down on me and I tilted back my head, allowing the icy pellets to hit my face.
It didn't take long for my tears to mix with the water as self-deprecating thoughts bombarded me.
I hated myself for what I had done to Tyler. I hated myself for what I knew was going to happen to Damon if he stayed around me. I hated myself for still wanting to fucking shoot up.
I was stupid.
I was worthless.
I was disgusting.
I was Elena fucking Gilbert. Stupid, worthless, disgusting Elena Gilbert.
I was a disease. To myself and to anyone who got near me.
I didn't deserve to be alive. Tyler did. My parents did. My brother did.
I didn't deserve to have friends. Damon did.
I didn't deserve to feel the peace that heroin brought to me.
I deserved to feel this. This detestation of myself.
I was an abomination.
My arms wrapped tightly around my body and I rocked back and forth in the floor of the shower, allowing my sobs to break freely from my chest. As my muscles began to spasm from the cold that was seeping to my bones, I lay down on my side and curled into the fetal position, not even caring that half of my face was submersed in pooled water.
Each tear that fell from my eyes brought on new rounds of self-loathing and I clung to the emotion as long as I could. I knew that when the last tears ran down the drain with the water, I wouldn't be able to fend off the numbness. The plunge into darkness would be inevitable and I needed to get my fill of being able to have emotions before I lost it entirely.
I'm not sure how long I lay in the bitter river of sorrow, but eventually my tears stopped falling and my body sunk against the hard floor, the shower still washing over me. When the nurse came to check on me, she found me in that exact position, my fingers, toes, and lips a deep shade of blue.
Quickly she turned off the water and spoke to the front desk person on the intercom, telling them to wake Jenna.
She pulled me from the floor and wrapped a thick towel around my body, rubbing her hands up and down on the outside of it to create friction meant to warm me up.
Jenna came running in the bathroom not long after dressed in a royal blue robe, her hair completely disheveled. She took one look at the state I was in and let out a deep sigh before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading me out of the bathroom.
The janitor was just exiting my bedroom as we approached it and I could smell the strong cleaning fluids even in the hallway.
The sheets and comforter on the bed had been replaced with the same old white ones. So much for decorations.
I sat on the edge of my bed, my shoulders slumped over, my leg bouncing rapidly, and Jenna sat in the desk chair.
"What's going on, Elena?" she asked me softly.
"I need to leave," I answered with a raspy voice.
"Why?"
I pulled the towel around me tighter and a shudder ran through me. "I need to get high." There was no point in beating around the bush. Although I didn't deserve to get high, it's what I needed.
"Elena, we both know you don't need to get high. You just want to."
I shook my head defiantly. "No, I need it, Jenna. You don't know…" I exhaled raggedly and squeezed my eyes shut. "…You don't know what's going on in my head. You don't see what I see. I need to make it stop."
I heard the chair squeak as pressure was relieved from it and I opened my eyes to see Jenna standing.
"I'll be right back," she told me before walking out of the room. Moments later she returned with a plastic shopping bag and dropped it in my lap.
"What is this?" I asked, opening the bag and finding individually wrapped candy.
"Chocolate," she responded.
My brow furrowed in confusion. I pushed around a few pieces on the top and confirmed her statement. The bag was full of small square Dove chocolates, round Reese's, and rectangle Snickers.
I looked back up at her. "What are these for?"
She sat down in the chair again and leaned forward, her elbows propped on her knees. "You've been without heroin for a little over a week now. Although your chemical need for it is gone, your body still misses it. What's happening now is your body is trying to make you find a reason to use. Whatever you're seeing is a result of your own body trying to push you back to the heroin. Chocolate will help you because it acts on dopamine receptors in the brain, satisfying whatever craving your body is having."
I scoffed. It seemed very unlikely that chocolate was the answer to all of my fucked up problems.
"Just try it, okay?" she asked me, her tone nearing that of defeat.
I sighed and nodded. "Yeah, okay."
"Come on," she started, standing back up. "You look like a drowned rat and we need to get you dry bandages for your arms."
I didn't sleep at all the rest of the night. When the first rays of morning began to pour through my window, I was sitting on my floor surrounded by purple, gold, and brown foils, holding another Reese's to my lips. I didn't know if the chocolates were actually working or if it was my newfound numbness blocking out the anguishing thoughts, but I continued to revel in both just to make sure that my mind stayed clear.
By midmorning, the bag began to run low and panic swelled inside me. If they were gone, I would start to remember again. I needed to get more.
"Yes?" the woman's voice sounded in my room from the intercom.
"I need more chocolate," I declared loudly, reaching in the plastic bag for another Snickers.
"I'll send Jenna to your room," she said and the beep let me know she was gone.
I sat back down on the floor and tipped out the remaining candy from the bag. Quickly my fingers separated empty wrappers that had wound up in the bag again from the actual candy and counted what was left. 9 pieces. 1 Dove, 5 Reese's, and 3 Snickers.
I looked up when there was a knock on the door and Jenna stepped in. Immediately her brow furrowed and her eyes seemed troubled.
"Liz said you were asking for more chocolate," she told me, her eyes raking over the piles of empty wrappers.
I nodded, my eyes returning to what was left of my candy. "I only have 9 pieces left." I picked up the last Dove chocolate and popped it in my mouth. "8 left," I mumbled around the candy.
Jenna knelt down in front of me and took the empty shopping bag. "Elena, honey, you know you don't have to eat them consecutively for them to fulfill the craving, right?"
No, I didn't know that. She hadn't really explained to me how chocolate remedies were supposed to work. Despite that fact, however, I was still going to keep at it how I was. Why knock something that was obviously working? "Can I have more or not?" I asked, my tone bordering on rude.
She stared at me for several seconds before shaking her head slightly and standing back up. "Come on and we'll go get you more."
I resisted the urge to hug her and simply nodded. I picked up the last 8 candies, stood, and followed her.
She led me down the hallway to the third floor reception desk near the elevators. She stepped behind it and searched through a few drawers before pulling out another plastic shopping bag. Just as she held it out and I reached for it, she pulled it away and narrowed her eyes slightly.
"Elena, before I give you this bag, you need to understand that we are not in the business of creating new addictions. This will be the last bag you get for the next two days, so make it last. If you empty it before then, you're just up a creek and I can't help you. Do you understand?"
Her words sparked another fit of panic in my stomach. They wouldn't refill my bag if I needed it? How would I deal with the cravings?
I stared at the bag swaying in her hand and nodded. I would just have to cross that bridge when I came to it. Right now, in this moment, there was chocolate and it was right in front of me.
She smiled and handed me the bag. I combined the chocolates in my hands with the new bag and sighed, relief coursing through me once more.
"So, how are you feeling this morning?" she asked and I could feel her eyes roaming over my body. I'm certain I looked like shit. I hadn't slept, creating deep, dark circles under my eyes, and my hair had dried awkwardly from my pity-party in the shower.
I shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I suppose," I muttered, searching my new bag for a Reese's. I found one and started unwrapping it.
"Would you like to visit the first floor entertainment room, today?" she asked.
My hand froze halfway to my mouth and I looked up at her, my eyes wide. I had grown so accustomed to being confined to my room that I had forgotten that there was an entire facility full of people like me who congregated in an entertainment room. I never thought I'd be allowed to go there.
"You're bound to catch flies, you know?" she giggled and I realized she was referring to my opened mouth. A blush darkened my cheeks and I quickly snapped my mouth close. "So, would you like to?" she asked again.
I looked down at the piece of chocolate melting between my fingers and shrugged again. "I guess."
As she went to alert an elevator I ate the piece of chocolate and watched her warily. Although I didn't like how things were, I was getting used to it. Would it be a mistake to change the way my days worked?
I rolled my eyes and scoffed at the thought. So far my days had consisted of illing, trying to kill myself, and successfully killing others. It's doubtful changing things up would hurt anything.
My fingers nervously wound themselves in the handle of the plastic shopping bag as we neared the entertainment room. I could hear several people laughing, the sound of music, and the continuous chattering of an infomercial on TV.
I jumped slightly and cringed when Jenna's hand touched my back. I instantly felt sorry for not being able to accept an offering of comfort like a normal human being. I tried to smile at her, but it felt awkward and forced.
"It's going to be fine," she assured me. "If you don't like hanging out here, we'll find something else for you to do."
I nodded and turned my eyes back to the door we were quickly approaching. Before we even entered, I felt the eyes of all the residents inside turn to look at me through the glass windows. Jenna pushed open the door and led me inside. My fingers were gripping the bag tightly, almost painfully, and I kept my head down as I walked over to an empty couch.
"I'll be back," Jenna smiled before patting my shoulder and leaving.
Awkwardness descended upon me as the only sounds in the room were the radio and TV. Everyone else had stopped speaking and their stares were burning right through me. Slowly I unwrapped a Snickers and popped it into my mouth, keeping my eyes low and my head hung.
Suddenly the couch cushion beside me lowered as a petite blonde jumped onto it and sat indian-style facing me. I glanced at her and she was smiling broadly, her blue eyes sparkling.
"Hi," she greeted me, her voice full of spunk.
I nodded once, pulling my bag closer to my body. "Hello," I responded quietly.
"I'm Caroline," she went on as if she didn't notice how uncomfortable I was. "And yoooou," she drew out the word, "are Elena."
My brow furrowed. "Yes?" It was meant to be a statement, but I was confused about how she already knew me.
"Oh, don't worry, we all know who you are," she told me as if she could read my mind. "Definitely the talk of the town around here."
My face heated and my head tilted even lower, my shoulders slumping. It would be my luck that my shit-life was interesting enough for people in here to find it gossip worthy.
"You've never been down here before," she stated confidently.
I shook my head. "No, I haven't."
"Because you've been on lock down, right?"
I winced at how much she and everyone else seemed to know about me. I just nodded.
"Well, you haven't been missing much," she said, turning her body so that her back was to the couch. "It's really boring here. Well, it was boring but you've made it much more interesting. With like killing that guy and everything. That'll keep people on their toes for weeks, I tell ya. So crazy."
Apparently Caroline had no sort of filter and it was a little irritating. I didn't need her telling me how crazy I was, I already knew.
"So that's chocolate isn't it?" she continued.
Her sudden change in topic was staggering and it took me a few moments to respond. "Yes."
"Ohh, yeahhh, because you're a heroin addict. Forgot about that. I love chocolate, which is odd." She stopped speaking for a moment and was obviously thinking over what she had said. I didn't understand why it would be odd for her to like chocolate. She eventually shrugged and kept on. "I wish they gave me chocolate. They don't. That would be cool if they did, though." Her words flowed out a mile a minute and it was difficult keeping up. I knew exactly why they didn't give her chocolate; she was hyper enough.
"What are you here for, Caroline?" I asked unabashedly, hoping that if she became uncomfortable she would leave.
The question didn't deter her at all. "Oh, I'm mad," she laughed.
"Mad?" I hadn't heard anyone refer to themselves as mad before unless they were genuinely angry, but she was laughing.
She nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'm insane. You know, like, coo-coo." She shrugged her shoulders quickly twice to accompany the "coo-coo" as she said it.
"I thought this was a rehab facility," I said, my eyesbrows pulling together in confusion.
"The third floor," she nodded. "But the second floor is myyy home. That's where you see Bonnie, right? It's the psych floor."
"Ah," was my only response and I suddenly felt the urge to scoot away from Caroline a bit.
"I've been here for almost a year now," she informed me.
My jaw fell slack. "A year?" I gasped.
"Yep. They keep telling me I'm not human normal yet and I can't go home."
I felt it was rude to ask, but her wording made me too curious not to. "Why do they say you're not… human normal?"
"Oh, I'm a vampire," she smiled brightly.
Immediately I stood up and turned to look for Jenna. This was too much, too soon. I definitely was not ready to hang out in the entertainment room yet.
"Wait!" Caroline cried, standing up as well. "Where are you going?"
I avoided her eyes and stared at the door. "I'm not feeling well," I told her quickly.
Her lower lip stuck out in a pout and her face fell. "You're afraid of me, aren't you?"
I wanted to laugh. Afraid of her, no. Weirded out, yes. I settled on only telling her the first half of that thought. "No, I'm not afraid of you, Caroline."
My eyes grew when she reached out and grabbed my bandaged arm. Surprisingly, I didn't flinch away from the contact. "Please don't go," she asked softly. "I don't have any friends here. I thought maybe…since we both knew death…we could like… we could kind of be like friends, or something."
Pity washed over me as I looked at the girl. She was staring down at the floor, a defined frown on her lips. I sympathized with her. I knew what it meant to be alone.
With a deep sigh and a few thoughts damning what I was about to do, I sat back down and a huge smile broke across her face.
And that was when I suddenly found myself with a vampire friend named Caroline.
A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I've been busy working on my Delena one-shot for Fandoms Fight the Floods (read below).
So what did you guys think of this chapter? A few of you guessed that when Caroline popped up in the story she would be a resident. :) I love her. I think she's funny.
I kind of freaked myself out with the description of the Tyler dream. I had to stop writing for a while. Lol.
Anyway, in non-Addictions-story related news, I'm super excited to share with you all about how my fiance got me tickets for the EyeCon event and this little lady will be meeting Mr. Ian Somerhalder in the flesh. I'm beyond thrilled and just might die. :D
As always, for more information on where I am with stories and what-not, either read my blog at (REPLACE THE DOT'S WITH ACTUAL PERIODS) writingtoberemembered(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com or follow me on twitter: APhobiac
Alright, for my Fandoms Fight the Floods one-shot, I'm giving you guys a teaser. If you find the story interesting, you can donate until the end of March to receive the compilation of stories.
(If you don't know what Fandoms Fight the Floods is, read here: fandomsfightthefloods(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/p/home(DOT)html)
Here's the information about my one-shot:
My story is called A Collegiate Experience
Rated M for all of your favorite smut.
Delena one-shot.
Summary: Elena is forced to visit the college she graduated from and learns more during this trip than the four years she paid for.
If you want to see the banner for this story, go to my blog!
TEASER FOR A Collegiate Experience:
I stared at him incredulously. I didn't understand why he would lie to get me into his office and I didn't really appreciate it. And I was starting to get really hungry. I picked up my shoes and stood. "Well, I'm pretty hungry… so I'm gonna head to the food court. You can join me if you want, but if not, again, it was nice meeting you." I turned around and started for the door. His declaration drastically altered the atmosphere in the office and made me uncomfortable.
My hand grasped the silver metal handle and attempted to turn it, but it wouldn't budge. "Hey, I think your door is loc—," I started, turning to look over my shoulder at Damon. My words were caught short when I realized he was standing barely a foot away from me. I turned entirely around, my back pressed against the door. "What are you doing?" I asked quickly.
He lifted a hand and gently ran his knuckles along my jaw line, creating the same electricity as earlier.
And that's all you get! If you want to read more, go donate a minimum of $5 to the cause and you'll get this story plus soooo many more from some amazing authors.
See you guys next chapter!
