Large grey clouds hung over the city, the threat of rain in the air. A thin layer of fog settled near the ground, a swiftly breeze blowing leaves from the trees. If the weather was a representation of what lay ahead, Rachel didn't want to keep searching for her answers.
They'd started later than she would have liked to. After he'd retrieved her purse and laptop from the attic where he'd stored them after her accident, Jay had left for an hour to deal with something at work. Seeing her old possessions didn't do anything for Rachel's memory but she hadn't expected anything to come of it. Still, she found it weird to look at something that had once been hers. And feel nothing.
Shaking off the uneasy feeling the possessions brought her, she'd arranged for time off work. It probably wasn't a good impression, given that she'd only been there for a few weeks, but Jay was right: she didn't quite know who was involved in this mess yet. Jay had insisted that she call her office, and Matt's secretary hadn't sounds too pleased about her request. To give it to him, Jay made sense with this one: she didn't want to go back, at least not until she found out who from the publishers had been involved with her disappearance.
Once they were finally headed out in Jay's car, she checked addresses as they drove the road next to the pier. The car bounced over bumps on Marina Drive, causing her to shift about in the leather seat. Jay's flash car stuck out like a sore thumb in the area they looked for Katherine Kelly's home, shiny and black unlike the rusted pick-ups and compacts parked in most of the driveways.
When she glanced sideways at him in the driver's seat, she was reminded of his success. There were moments she forgot that he was practically a celebrity for all the police work he'd done. When they were together, he was just a regular guy. He didn't live like a man who make a fortune, didn't act like he could buy and sell you at the drop of a hat.
But then there were moments when she'd hear him on the phone with an associate, and she'd remember just how powerful he really was.
Her conversation with Jay from the night before ran through her mind. He'd known Dan. Regardless of what he'd told her, she had a sneaking feeling that perhaps he wasn't being totally honest.
"I think this is it." Jay's voice cut through her thoughts.
"It's a house-boat?" she frowned. She'd fully expected a house.
Jay pulled his car into a space and killed the engine. He shifted position to get a better view. "Looks like nobody's home."
"Just our luck," she huffed.
He opened the car door anyway. "There's no harm in looking."
They walked towards the pier, the dock rocked gently underneath her feet. She dug her fingernails into her palms as she walked, feeling slightly uneasy.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Not crazy about boats," she uttered back.
"Since when?" He spun back to look at her.
"Since forever."
"Boats never bothered you before. You used to spend hours on the one we owned-"
"We have a boat?!"
"Used to. I, uh, sold it a few years back."
Weird. She couldn't imagine ever wanting to be aboard a sea-sickness machine. Just one more thing to prove she wasn't the woman he remembered.
When they reached it, she lifted a hand and knocked. Nobody answered, so she knocked again.
Jay spun a 360 before taking a step forward. "Wait here. I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just… checking something out."
Great. She hated not being kept in the loop. Hated it even more that she was standing on a fucking boat, of all places. She looked out towards the dirty water and felt her stomach drop. Why anybody would wanna live on a boat was beyond her.
He disappearance and a couple of seconds later the door in front of her swung open. Jay appeared in her view.
Her eyes widened. "What are you doing?"
"Come on," He pulled her into the house. "Rear door was unlocked."
"Jay, this is breaking and entering!" She said when the door was closed behind her.
"You didn't have a problem with it the other night. Plus, I'm a cop. The cop. I can swing some story that she raised suspicion, if we get caught."
"The other night was different. This feels like… we're invading somebody's privacy."
He laughed. "Don't you dare grow a conscience on me right now. Come on, look around. See if anything jumps out at you. I'll check the upper level."
Jay disappeared up a flight of steps. She frowned before looking around the home. Gossip magazines lay scattered on a coffee table. An empty mug accompanied them.
She looked into the kitchen. Papers littered the counter. A half-eaten bagel sat on a plate. Moving towards the counter, she ran the tips of her fingers against the coffee pot. Still warm. The light was blinking, telling her the machine was still on. Either Katherine Kelly had left in a hurry or she wasn't too fussed about burning out the inside of her boat.
Rachel flipped through the papers on the counter. Bills, receipts, more gossip magazines. The woman clearly had some sort of shopping addiction, or something. Rachel continued to search, hoping to find anything that could like Ms. Kelly to the nightmare that had become her life.
Nothing was really gripping her attention. She scanned the room again. On the opposite counter, lay a newspaper. She moved towards it and flipped it over. Drew in a breath.
The front page had a huge photo of her and Jay at the press conference. The photographer had captured a moment when she was answering a question, and Jay was glancing in her direction. There was a gentle expression on his face.
But what caused Rachel to stare wasn't the picture on his face, but the thick red circle of marker that had been drawn around her face.
The squeaky floorboards overhead caught her attention. Taking the paper with her, she headed in the direction Jay had gone.
The second floor of the boathouse had one large bedroom, divided into a sleeping area and a small office. Along one wall a desk and computers. More papers. A lamp hanging from the wall.
Jay looked up from the stack of papers he was flicking through when he heard her. "Katherine Kelly left in a hurry."
"Yeah, I feel that." A sense of dread filled her. "Her coffee machine is still warm.."
"Did you find anything?" he asked.
"Just this," she unfolded the paper and showed him their image.
He stared at it. She couldn't read his expression.
"What about you?" she asked, hoping he'd had some luck.
"Not a great deal," He lifted a tore sheet of paper and handed it to her. "Do you recognize any of the names on here?"
"Mine," she gulped. "My name's on there."
"I know."
There were another twelve names on the sheet, over half of which were crossed out in red.
"What is it?" she asked quietly.
"I haven't got a clue. But I think we need to start checking out the other names on that list, and find Katherine fucking Kelly and figure out what the hell is going on."
She did not want to be here. Anywhere but here.
Being shoved into the machines whilst strapped to the all-too-familiar table wasn't Rachel's idea of fun. She gritted her teeth together and took calming breaths. She'd much rather be out making phone calls with Jay than having the stupid CT scan he'd insisted she have.
This test was taking far too long. Didn't she realize she'd had plenty of these before?
The machine buzzed and then the table retracted. Thank God.
Jay was waiting for her in the reception area when she was finished. His head was low and he was rubbing his temples. He hadn't looked that worried when she'd gone in.
"Jay?"
When he glanced up, the worry lines disappeared from his handsome face. He smiled at her, although it was one that didn't reach his eyes. "All done?"
"Yeah. She said to come back in an hour."
He rose from where he was sitting. "Okay, we can get something to eat while we wait." He put a hand to the small of her back and led her towards the elevator.
She settled into the dimly lit booth in the pub a block from the hospital. After their orders were taken she turned to him.
"What did you find out?"
His arms were folded on the table. "Nothing."
Liar. He was lying, she could feel it. "Come on Jay, don't hold this back from me."
"How do you feel about a vacation? We could take the children and go somewhere for a while, use the time to let Freddie get to know his sister-"
"Will said you never take vacations, Jay. You're starting to worry me. What's going on?"
He finally pulled out the torn sheet he'd found in the boathouse. He pushed it across the table to her. "All of the people crossed out on this list are dead."
"What?!"
Jay looked distressed when he pointed at the names. "All from different things. Heart attack, car accident, one even drowned."
Four names were still not crossed out, including hers. "What about the others?"
"I tried to find the top two. But I didn't have any luck. The last one before yours, Amelia Bennet, - I mean, it's a common name. I didn't have time to search for her."
Her brow wrinkled. Why did that name sound familiar? She shook it from her thoughts.
Their food was served and she pushed the paper to the side. The last thing she felt like doing was eating, but she ate some fries anyway.
Jay reached across the table and squeezed her hand. When she looked at him, there was definitely worry in his eyes. "It doesn't mean anything," he said. "It could just be a coincidence."
"It's not and you know it." She smiled sadly. "You think those people were in the nursing home as well, don't you?"
He sat back. "Where did you get that idea?"
"Come on, I'm not stupid." She would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious. "Do you think Dan was doing his own research? Testing it for himself?
"That's a theory."
She glanced down at the sheet of paper again. "And you think these people were his test subjects. You think Katherine Kelly knew about them and knew what was happening?"
"I really don't know. Maybe. It doesn't explain why they're all dead, though."
"It might, if somebody is trying to cover up his evidence. What he was doing is illegal, right?"
"Absolutely," he blew out a breath.
"And," she continued. "Until I showed up, nobody really knew anything about it."
"I didn't say that."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "But you're thinking it."
"What I'm thinking is I'm hungry. Come on, it's been a long morning. You need to eat so we can get back to the hospital for your results."
Rachel eyed the food on her plate. Why had she ever thought finding answers would make a difference? All she wanted to do right now was turn back the clock and forget about what they'd already found.
He pulled her hand into his again. "Don't," he said softly, somehow knowing her brain was in overdrive. "We'll take this one step at a time, okay?"
She nodded and bit into a chicken strip, at the same time trying to swallow the fear as it rose up her insides.
Rachel stared at the buildings outside of the doctor's office, folding her arms across her chest. The afternoon sunlight shone in through the window, warming the room. Jay was sat opposite the doctor's chair, waiting for him to come into the room. She couldn't sit still so she'd walked to the window and now was staring.
It felt like they'd been waiting hours. And waiting was the only thing she'd done in the past few days.
Jay stood when the doctor entered, shook his hand. Rachel joined them both at the desk.
"Well," the doctor started. "Let me start by saying we got all we needed from you." If it was his bid to make her feel better, it didn't. He pulled up her brain scan on his computer and swung the screen so they could see.
He tapped at it. "This is the area we're most concerned with. It appears your injury happened to this section of the brain, where memory and personality develop. My guess is hematoma of some sort…"
"Not a tumor?" Jay asked. His hand slid along to her knee and gripped.
"Nope, there's no indication of one. There's definite damage to the skull, which does indicate an accident or trauma of some sort."
This didn't make any sense. Rachel rubbed at her scar. Why would she have been given a cancer drug if she wasn't sick in the first place?
"Your memory loss is a tough one," the doctor continued. "If this part of your brain suffered major impact, it might be the reason for your amnesia now. Most amnesiacs remember something. Your case is pretty unique."
Unique? Not the term she'd go for.
"What about Laetrile?" Jay questioned.
"As you know, I can't speak about that until we know more. It's possible that if it was administered whilst you were in a coma, it might have amplified your memory loss from the accident." He flipped through her chart. "It looks like you weren't given Laetrile for at least six months after your accident."
"I was pregnant."
"Well at least somebody had the sense not to give you it at that time. There's no telling what an experimental drug like that would do to a baby. Your child doesn't show any symptoms?"
"No." she replied.
"I wanna have Freddie tested, just to be safe." Jay said, glancing in her direction. When she nodded, he looked back to the doctor. "What are the chances of her getting memories back?"
"At this point? There isn't a strong one. It's been almost two years and she hasn't remembered anything. You've been back in Chicago, a month?"
"About that, yes." She racked her brains.
"And in that time, you haven't felt any memories?"
There were feelings, déjà vu. But they weren't memories. She shook her head.
The doctor nodded sympathetically. "Sometimes memories are triggered by familiar faces and locations. If that hasn't happened yet, I'm not exactly optimistic that it's going to."
It didn't come as a shock to her. She hadn't expected to remember anything. One look over at Jay though, and she knew he'd been expecting different news.
She willed herself not to let his disappointment affect her. "What about now? Am I clear, do I need to be worried of long term effects?"
The doctor scratched his bald head. "I wish I could give you a definitive answer. The reality is, we just don't know. Your scan looks fine for now. I don't see anything that causes me concern. But you did receive an experimental drug, and we don't know what'll happen down the line. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but be cautious if you experience any changes."
"So I'm not totally in the clear, that's what you're telling me?"
He leaned onto his desk, nearer to them. "Something could happen to you tomorrow, Rachel. Worrying about what might happen isn't going to change anything. But, I wouldn't ever forget about whatever happened to you, because it might still be an issue. My advice would be yearly check-ups, unless something changes."
Jay nodded, glanced at her again. "We can do that."
Yearly check-ups wasn't what she'd been hoping for. She was always going to worry, no matter what the doctor said to her. Every time she mixed up a color, number, a word, she'd worry it was something more.
The doctor and Jay followed him, holding out a hand for him to shake. He thanked him.
"Not a problem. Set up an appointment for your son on the way out. We can make sure everything is fine with him as well."
"Thanks," Rachel followed Jay out of the door.
When they were in the elevator and the doors had slid closed, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and breathed in her scent. She could feel a relief in his body. "That's good news," he said into her hair.
She nodded. But why didn't he sound more sure? She rested her hair against his chest.
His lips grazed against her temple, touching her scar gently. He was warm and comforting, everything she needed right now.
"Yeah," she whispered. But she didn't believe it.
"At least something's going right," he replied.
She nodded her agreement. She wasn't going to die. She might turn out alright even with all the drugs they'd pumped into her. The real question was, would she survive whoever was out there killing off the research patients?
It was the only question whirling in her mind. That, and what the hell she was going to do about the man who's grip she was in.
She let her head fall back against the headrest of Jay's car and closed her eyes. The rhythmic jolt of his driving made her think they were still a while from home. It meant another fifteen minutes to ponder the mess her life was in.
What she wanted was a long bath, a glass of wine and seclusion from everyone and everything. What she had was Jay Halstead. Seated in the driver's seat next to her, radiating tension and worry. She could feel it. That only grated on her more.
Her cell phone rang, and it brought her from her bubble. She reached into her purse and lifted it to her ear.
"Rachel, is that you? It's Tori."
"Hey, what's up? Are the kids okay?"
"They're good. Where are you?"
"In the car, on the way home."
"Is Jay still with you?"
Her eyes flicked sideways, looking at his tense shoulders. "Yeah, he's here."
"I wondered why I couldn't reach him. Anyway, I'm glad I got you. I left the kids with Mitch because I got a call at work. They found your Doctor from New York-"
"You did?"
"Yeah. Face down in his swimming pool."
"Crap."
Jay's gaze fell on her when she cussed. She saw the questions in his eyes, but she wanted to finish her conversation first.
"Yeah," Tori spoke again. "They're calling it an accidental drowning. Turns out he took an unexpected trip to Vancouver, just after Dan's crash. Nobody knew he was back, until-"
"Oh God."
"There's more." Tori paused. "They're looking into Dan's father Xavier. One of my leads says he's in Vancouver himself. I've got business near there next week, I might catch a flight to pay him a visit.
"Tori, don't do that." She panicked.
"Relax, the firm won't even miss me-"
"It's not that," Rachel replied. "Things are getting out of hand. Don't go up there. Leave it."
"Rachel, I really don't think-"
Her jaw dropped as Jay plucked the phone from her grip. Her fingers froze in their position. She watched as Jay listened intensely whilst Tori repeated her story to him. Rachel closed her eyes again and dropped her head back to the seat. If he wanted to take over, he could do as he pleased. She didn't have the energy to do anything about it.
He ended the conversation just as he pulled up to her house. When he killed the engine, he reached a hand towards her knee. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine." She responded.
"Talk to me," he said quietly.
A conversation with him wouldn't solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about what she feared would only land her in his arms. Where she desperately wanted to be, but that was only a temporary solution to her problems.
"I'm fine," she said again. "I just need a few minutes."
She eased out of the car and he followed, watching as she opened the door to where she was living. She knew this was a fleeting visit, knew he wasn't going to let her stay here alone.
"I just need to get a few things from upstairs," she said. "Make yourself at home. I'll be right back."
She wasn't sure how she made it upstairs, but somehow she did. Her bedroom was to the right, Freddie's bedroom and the bathroom to the left. She walked towards her office and sank into the chair. Rachel dropped her hands to her knees and glanced around.
She still had boxes near the window. Picture frames on the floor, waiting to be hung. So many things she was supposed to do, but hadn't found the time for.
"What are you doing?"
Jay's voice didn't surprise her. She knew he would follow, that he would worry.
She didn't know how to answer because she didn't exactly know herself what she was doing.
Jay sensed she was anxious "Everything's going to be okay," he said. "You don't need to worry."
She breathed heavily. "I know you think you can swoop in here and protect me, but I can handle it. I don't," she paused, as though she didn't believe the words she was saying. "I don't need you to make it okay."
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Yes, it is. I know you're trying to help but you're smothering me."
His eyes narrowed. "Did I miss something between this morning and now? What's going on?"
"You didn't miss anything from me."
He shut the door and walked further into the room. "You're going to have to explain, because I'm having trouble-"
"What do you see when you look at me?" she asked quietly.
His jaw dropped. "Is that a trick question?"
"No. it's an honest one. I know what you see. You see Erin."
"And that's bad because?"
"Because Jay, I'm not her."
His brow creased. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about this." She flung her hands to the space between them. "This, this thing going on between us. Every time you look at me, you see somebody who doesn't exist anymore. You have a need to protect me, but it's to protect somebody I used to be…"
"I'm lost. What on earth are you talking about?"
She chewed her lip. "Jay, all the time we've been together you've never once called me Rachel."
"Yes, I have."
"No you haven't. I've listened. " Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. "I really can't lie to you, I'm insanely attracted to you, but is that just physical? You're attracted to somebody who isn't here anymore. I don't know how to be Erin, and I don't even know how to try."
"I still don't get what you're trying to say." He ran a hand through his hair.
"I'm saying… I don't think this is going anywhere. I really appreciate your help with this whole thing that you've given your time to make sure I'm okay but going back to your house tonight won't help anything. The kids are confused. Being near you, I can't…. it isn't going to make things better. We both know this isn't going anywhere, I don't think you want to be in this for the long run."
She saw him tense. "So this morning-"
"This morning was me being emotional and overreacting and it didn't mean anything."
Anger flashed in his eyes. Rachel swallowed a lump in her throat, attempting to hold her ground. If she was lucky, he'd get the hint soon. Soon before she changed her mind.
Because, she really wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything that was going on in her life. She wanted to forget he thought of the person she used to be when they were together, because she wanted him more than she could think straight.
"I think you should go. Go. I'll come for Freddie in the morning." She spoke quietly.
"You think I should go? Just like that?"
"Yes."
"This is bullshit. Tell me what is really going on here."
"This is really what's going on." She put all her emotions in her voice, because he wasn't listening. "I don't … I can't need you. And I can't want you. And the sooner you leave and help me get that, the better off we'll all be."
His eyes locked on her own. Cold eyes. The same hard emotionless eyes she'd seen at the beginning of this mess. "Fine."
He walked from the room. She listened as his footsteps moved down the stairs. She flinched when the door opened then slammed shut.
In her office alone, she sank to the floor. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached more than it had ever ached before. The pain was so much worse than she'd expected, much worse than when she'd lost Dan.
It only made her realize how much she did want Jay. And now, no matter where she went, or who she met, the reality of what she'd just let slip away from her would haunt her forever.
Jay stood on her front porch and drew in deep breaths. Calming breaths, or at least an attempt at them. He didn't need this shit. He had been on an emotional rollercoaster since the day she'd shown up on his doorstep, and it was about to get worse before there was even a chance of it getting better.
He definitely didn't need a woman telling him what he though and felt. Because he knew exactly what he fucking felt.
He'd been standing there for so long that it was now raining. He jogged down the front steps and walked through the rain to his car. If she wanted to be alone, then fine he'd leave her alone.
This morning was me being emotional and overreacting and it didn't mean anything. Her words ran through his mind as he pulled the driver's door open. He remembered the look in her eyes as she'd said it. He'd been so focused on her words that he'd almost missed the most important sign.
Until they had been to see the doctor, she had been fine. She'd handled Jay's news about the phone-calls with a pinch of salt. She'd even accepted the doctor's explanation with a calmness that he hadn't expected. It was only when Jay had asked about her memory that she'd managed to put up damn invisible walls. Since then, it was like she was behind a barrier.
Damn it. She was pushing him away because she thought he was only interested in who she used to be. She couldn't possibly know that he was questioning himself. That he'd already noticed the differences in her, the attraction he felt to her was stronger than it had probably been before. And he hadn't even known that was possible.
She was implying that she didn't need him to take care of her. But he remembered the panic in her tone on the phone-call with Tori. About the mention of Vancouver.
She wasn't just scared. She was protecting him, too. Not wanting him to be too involved. Doing exactly what she'd told him not to do.
Before he could stop himself, he slammed the car door and retraced his steps back towards her house. He didn't bother to knock, instead threw the door open and took the stairs two at a time until he reached the top.
When he rounded the corner to her office, he found her slumped on the floor, her knees drawn up and her elbows resting against then. Her face buried inside there somewhere.
So much for not caring. She was lying through her teeth.
Her head darted up when she heard him. Her tears streaked her cheeks.
She swiped a hand across her nose. "What are you doing….?
His arms moved to underneath hers, picking her up off the floor. He pressed her against the window. Then his mouth was over hers, hot hungry and his kiss filled with all the anger and frustration and need that he had inside of him.
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