Chapter 8
It took her 4 weeks to finally get out of bed and back to work. 4 weeks of lying in a bed in Seattle Grace Mercy West wishing she had died. She lost her wife; Rachel had gone back to Boston without her. The divorce papers had been filed; they lay next to her on the bedside table untouched. Rachel had signed them and sent them without so much as a note. Arizona knew she didn't want to talk to her at all she knew in her heart that it was over but she still felt like she had failed. Failing at a marriage she had sworn to never fail at. Miranda was keeping tabs on her everyday making sure that Arizona wasn't trying to push herself to get up and go back to work. She had 4 cracked ribs and a pretty severe head injury but Derek had cleared her finally after monitoring her for 2 weeks. All she did now was lie in bed and watch TV but not really watching it. Callie had come to see her once. Arizona had pretended to be asleep but as she lay there trying to not move a muscle Callie had reached out and took her hand. Arizona had slightly sucked in her breath and not moved for the half hour that Callie held her hand. After she left Arizona felt her heart break slightly.
Callie spent 4 weeks in a dream. A car had hit Arizona; she had broken up with her wife and filed for divorce. Callie had constantly checked up on her even without her knowing. Callie had pestered Derek so much he finally just stopped answering her and just handed her the chart when he saw her walking towards him. And no matter what she tried to do, no matter how many cases she buried herself into the only thing she could find herself thinking about was Arizona. She had heard the conversation, she knew Arizona still loved her; she could feel it, why else had she ended that marriage. Callie felt selfish then thinking that Arizona's only reason to end her horrible marriage was to be with Callie so she tried to put it out of her mind. Lucy had noticed a change in her she kept asking her what was wrong, seeing if they could talk about what was going on with her but Callie kept putting her off. The wedding date was getting closer and closer but all she wanted to do was scream. It was a Monday, a long weekend it had been sitting at home staring out the window while she pretended to be reading a book and thinking about the beautiful blonde peds surgeon who was lying in a hospital bed not far away. Callie knew she had to talk to her but it was just to hard to try and make words form when she thought of actually looking into Arizona's eyes and saying the things she felt. Calliope knew it was time to face facts, something in her heart was telling her that Arizona was here for a reason and she had almost lost that chance. She wasn't going to lose it again. Not now, not ever.
Arizona lay in bed looking out the window and trying to choke down the jell-o cup she had in her hand. It tasted like ass but she was hungry. She would be getting out of here soon, Bailey told her it was only a matter of days until she could go home and then it would be about a week until she was allowed to come back to work. Working at Seattle Grace Mercy West sounded like loads of fun now, Callie was engaged and Arizona was now getting divorced. The only thing that made her feel even worse was the fact that Rachel had left and she had failed at the very thing she hadn't ever wanted to fail at. What was going to happen when she came back to work and had to work next to Callie and her fiancé…it was going to change everything. Arizona made a promise to herself. She wasn't going to ruin what Callie had. She knew that it wasn't fair to her. She had ruined their lives once before when she walked away from their future. She wasn't going to start this again. It wasn't fair.
Arizona heard a soft knock on the door and turned. Standing in the doorway in dark blue scrubs with a white coat on and her hair down, ringlets around her shoulders stood Calliope. Arizona tried to hide her smile but it slipped out. Calliope felt her heart flutter at that smile, the smile she had dreamed about ever since Arizona had left that day. Calliope stepped into the room and Arizona felt her chest tighten. The moments that they were together had been the very thing Arizona lived for. She loved Callie, deeply, irrevocably. There was no mistaking the feelings Arizona shared for the woman standing in front of her. But Calliope had a life now, a daughter, a family and Arizona felt that if she laid all of her feelings out on the line this time she would do more damage then she had done walking away all those years ago.
Callie walked towards her and sat down next to the bed. She took her hand and stroked the back of it like she used to do when they slept next to each other every night. They had shared everything in their lives until one day it had ended. Arizona knew in her heart that Callie was struggling; she could see it on her face. Callie smiled a little bit and looked at her. "I came to see you, to make sure you were okay, I was here almost every day Arizona." Arizona smiled slightly as she sat up a little bit. "I know, I heard you once, but Bailey filled me in. Thank you for coming and checking on me." Callie nodded as her eyes wandered towards the side table where the pad of divorce papers was sitting. Arizona followed her gaze then let it wander out the window. "She sent you papers?" Callie asked softly as she let go of Arizona's hand. Feeling her breath on her sleeve was almost too much for Arizona to bear, she wanted so much to reach out and take her in her arms as she had so long ago but it was unbearable to think about all the things that had changed since they were together.
"She did. She's back in Boston and wants a divorce. She is taking the house and most of the money but honestly, I don't give a shit." Arizona looked up at Callie's face, seeing her eyes and watching for a sign, any sign that would indicate what she was thinking. Arizona remembered when she had been able to read everything going through Calliope's mind just by reading her face but those days were gone. Callie shook her head and stood up, looking at Arizona. " I'm so sorry. I hate her for doing that to you, for leaving you here. I wouldn't…"Callie stopped herself then swallowed and let herself finish her sentence. " I wouldn't have left you here…not alone." Arizona felt a tear fall from the corner of her eye. No matter what anyone said Callie was the woman she would always love. She knew that, she had known that when marrying Rachel and she had known that when she had told Rachel to leave. But Callie wasn't with her now, she was with someone who made her happy, someone who loved her daughter and wanted to be a part of that family. Arizona wouldn't do that. She wouldn't destroy Callie's life again. She wouldn't be selfish. It was time to be the woman she was meant to be, a good man in a storm. She would give Callie every opportunity to be happy.
Callie saw the tear and pulled Arizona close, wiping the tear away from her face. "Don't, don't cry please. I'm here. It'll be all right. I know it will." Callie whispered softly into her face, looking at her, searching for a sign, searching for the Arizona she loved and the woman she had fallen for when she had first seen her on her roller shoes. That was the woman she loved. Arizona looked up at Callie their faces were inches apart and all Arizona could see in her mind was Lucy and Sofia at home waiting for Callie. "Don't please…you have a life Calliope. You have a family now and a daughter to think about. Please don't make this harder…"Arizona stopped thinking because at that second Callie's lips were on hers and they were amazing. Callie pulled Arizona closer and kissed her with so much passion she felt like she was going to pass out from joy. Arizona wrapped her arms around Callie and pulled her closer letting their tongues dance around each other, as their kiss grew desperate. Arizona knew she shouldn't be doing this. They shouldn't be kissing, not in the hospital, not ever. But as their kiss kept lasting she lost herself in the intensity. Finally Callie pulled back and Arizona let her forehead rest against hers, she panted slightly as she felt her body trembling. "We can't do this. You're getting married. I can't do this Calliope."
Callie stared at her; all she wanted was to go back, to have run after Arizona when she had walked out all those years ago. She wished she had, more than anything she wished she had run after her and held her so close that she had never left again but there they were, in a hospital room kissing as if no time had passed. Lucy. Lucy was waiting for her, Sofia and Lucy were making dinner tonight for her and at home she was sure they were waiting around for a call or a text to indicate when she would be home. Arizona saw the panic on Callie's face and smiled a little bit, a sad smile as she pulled back and let Callie go. "It's okay. Go home to your family. Get married, live the life you were meant to live Calliope. I made that mistake once. I won't do it again. I won't keep you from who you are supposed to be with. I won't destroy your family again. Just go." Callie got angry, she wasn't sure what she wanted but now Arizona was telling her to leave. "You can't just tell me to go? You love me. You kissed me back. I felt that. I felt you." Arizona looked away and felt the tears coming again but refused to let them fall. "I can't give you what you want. I can't be your wife. I can't be the woman for you. I can't do that Calliope." Callie stared at her and looked away, walked to the door then back. "But you asked Rachel for a divorce. You asked her for one and you told her to get out of your life. What was that if not because you and I…we were supposed to be together? Wasn't that it?" Callie looked at Arizona hard, now letting her tears fall for the first time. Arizona let one teardrop fall on her face then she turned back towards Callie. "No. I can't. I can't be what you need Callie. I can't. I wont." Callie felt her heart shatter. Arizona was saying no again. She was saying no to her again.
It felt like her whole world was crashing down on her. She turned to desperation, the only thing she had left to turn to. Looking at Arizona in the face trying to see her eyes. "Look at me and tell me you don't love me Arizona! Look at me and tell me you didn't leave her because of that kiss at the wedding, tell me you love me more than anything and that we are meant to try again, just like Africa, just like when Mark got me pregnant. Tell me we can do this and fight for us. Tell me you love!" Callie yelled the last part. Arizona looked at the floor and then out the window again. "Look at me damnit!" Arizona looked straight into Callie's eyes. She felt that if she were with her again she would only end up hurting her more. She had a life now and was a mother. Callie didn't need her, all she needed was Lucy and Sofia and their family. Arizona took a breath. She looked up at Callie standing there with a wild look in her eyes. The only way to do what was best for her was to let her go. Arizona opened her mouth and then closed it, looked away and then back at Calliope, standing there. "I don't love you. Just go. She's waiting." Callie felt like she had been slapped. She stared at Arizona and then turned and stormed out the door. Halfway down the hall was an on call room and she ran inside, and broke down. Arizona was still sitting stone still, staring at the place where Callie had been. She would be happy when she realized she had avoided something horrible. She would be happy with her new wife and her daughter. She had to be. Arizona felt as if she had died. Her heart ached and finally she let her tears fall, she trembled and shook as she cried for her selfishness and cried for her Calliope. She wished she could be what she needed but she knew better.
