September 13

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and feel like shit?

And it's not just the headache or the protesting muscles. It's the dried tear stains on your cheeks and the fucking hole in your chest. The feeling like you never want to get out of bed, like you want to live the rest of your life in you sheets.

The regret, the guilt, the hopelessness. Ever feel like waking up and hating it, because at least in sleep nothing affected you?

Now ever turn sixteen? Ever feel like your teenage life just started.

Sixteen is your time for everything. There's stories, movies, songs based off turning this huge monumental number. It's the one day you're allowed to feel like a princess.

Now combine those two things together and you get my morning, or at least how messed up my morning was. I'm not even excited about my birthday. I'm just hating it.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" my mom sings as she throws open the door. I feel like crying all over again. How'd she even know I was home? I was supposed to stay the night at Tanya's.

I don't ask her this. I just roll away from her and bring the sheets over my head, wondering how long I would be able to hide in my cocoon.

"I feel sick, mom," I tell her. It's the truth. I finally conclude that I must have been somewhat drunk last night, because I have a pounding headache. Besides that, my feet and legs hurt from the walk home.

I don't want to even talk about my heart. It's so damaged I'm surprise it's still keeping me alive.

"What's wrong, baby," Mom asks. She sits at the edge of my bed, making it sink slightly. She places a hand on my side and pats it softly.

"I just don't feel like doing anything today," I say into my pillow. I feel bad because we were supposed to have a small dinner, but I just don't feel up to it.

"But Grandma Marie is coming," Mom says, making it worse. My throat tightens.

"Please?" I ask again, feel the sob coming on. My mom hears this.

"Scoot," she says and I do. She lays behind me and wraps an arm around me. Pulling me to her. Her sweet scent wafts around me. I feel comforted.

"Talk to me," she says. I don't know what to tell her.

"I don't think Tanya and I are friends anymore," I whisper, my chest shakes at that. It hurts, more than I could ever imagine. It feels like my heart slowly falling apart.

Losing a friend isn't easy, whether or not she was acting like a bitch.

"What happened?" she asks. She's not judging. I turn around and bury myself into her shoulder. She pets my hair softly.

"We both did some really stupid stuff. Stuff that I don't think can be forgiven," I stutter.

"Stuff that can break a friendship as strong as yours?"

"Yeah. I don't know if she could forgive me and I don't know if I even want to forgive her."

"Of course you do, sweetheart. You're just hurting right now, baby. It's hard, but you guys… do you remember meeting Tanya?" she asks me. I shrug. My first memories of Tanya and I were in first grade. She defended me from Lauren Mallory, a snobby little brat.

Ever since then we were inseparable.

"First grade," I say.

"But did you know that you knew her long before that?" she asks, and I shake my head.

"Well Sasha and I were very good friends," my mother begins. Sasha is Tanya's mother, "We had been since high school. When we discovered we were pregnant around the same time, we were very happy. Sasha had already had Irina, of course, but Tanya would be your age. We did everything together. We had a joint baby shower and shopped for each other. She was with me when we I went into labor with you. Then Tanya came along a few months later. Our girls we're going to be best friends, just like us.

"You two were together for most of your infancy. It was strange. You two calmed eachother, always happy to be together. But then Sasha and I had a falling out. I got jealous. She was always blowing me off for her other friends, friends who didn't even care about her, just her money. I tried telling her this, but she refused to listen. It slowly got worse and worse until, we just stopped being friends."

"But… you guys are still friends? Aren't you?" I ask, thinking of the times they had dinner together when we were little or the Christmas Parties we would attend at the Denali house.

"Well as Fate would have it, you ended up in the same first grade class with Tanya. Your bond didn't diminish over the time we had you apart. When you came home that first day and told me your new best friend was Tanya, my heart broke. I was afraid it wouldn't last. But Sasha called me later that night. Told me how Tanya wouldn't stop talking about a little brunette girl in her class.

"We realized then that our little girls were always meant to be friends. I didn't want to tell you to stop hanging out with Tanya simply because Sasha and I didn't get along. I seen how happy you girls we around each other. It reminded me so much of Sasha and me. I didn't want to see you lose that. Ever. So we decided to suck it up, for you girls. Over time our friendship came back, but it wasn't the same. I doubt it ever will be."

"You never told me that," I whisper.

"No, I didn't want to taint your friendship. I love Tanya. I didn't want you to think I didn't. I seen you guys had such a strong friendship. I didn't want you to loose that. To go through the pain I did. It's why I was strong about not letting anything come between you too. I'm sure you'll work out you're differences, honey," mom reassures me. But it doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like the stupid fights we use to have over Barbie dolls. It doesn't feel temporary and that alone scares me.

Mom gets up and leaves. She doesn't bother again.

A few hours later, Gram comes bustling into my door. I feel like groaning. I really don't feel up to company.

I got up to shower earlier, but other than that I've stayed in bed.

"Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea. How old are you now, eighty?" she asks with a chuckle. I force a small smile.

When I was younger, I use to get very upset with her and continue to tell her my real age.

"Feels that way. With all this hooligans going around and causing ruckus," I joke and she giggles as she takes a seat on my bed. She hands me a wrapped present.

I sit up slightly. "What's this?"

"Well no sixteen-year-old should be stuck sick in bed. It's your present," she says. I smile.

"You didn't have to get me anything." But I'm already ripping the wrapping off, eager to see what it is. Gram likes to travel a lot and sometimes her presents come from different countries or states.

I reveal a small jewelry box. I open it slowly and find a little fairy necklace. In her hands is a very small clear gem.

"It's so pretty," I whisper.

"It's a wishing gem. Legend has it, when you make a wish on it, the gem will change color. If the wish is of a wicked heart, the gem changes black, if it's good, it changes pink."

"That's… really nice," I say, a little startled. I want nothing to do with wishes anymore.

"So what's wrong, Sweet Pea," she asks, scooting closer. I cover the box and place it down at my side.

"It's nothing," I say.

"Oh, posh. Don't lie to me. You forget that I raised that little hell fire down stairs. I can spot a lie from a mile away," Gram says sternly. I plop back down in bed.

"I just don't feel like talking about it." I really just want to forget about it.

"Is it boy trouble?"

"Something like that."

"Well, I'm sure a brain like yours can figure it out. Just remember that nothing last forever. Your teenage years are just beginning Sweet Pea," she says and pats my leg. She gets up and leaves.

I think about that. It feels like my teenage years are practically over.

After that chat, I get up and dressed. I join my family for dinner, although I'm not to animated about it. A knock on the door interrupts us. Mom gets up to check who it is while Gram and Dad talk about baseball. My gram is a surprising fan.

"Bella, someone is here to see you," Mom says, walking back into the room and taking a seat. My head snaps up.

"Who?"

"Edward. He's waiting outside," She says and smiles slightly, although her eyes show a bit apprehension.

Dad places his fork on the plate.

"Who's this Edward?" he asks gruffly. I roll my eyes and get up.

"Never mind, Daddy," I tell him and pat his head softly.

I walk out to the front porch and find Edward sitting in the swing we have. He rocks slowly staring at the neighbor's yard.

"Hey," I say shyly, because things are awkward. He looks up and smiles and my heart still beats extra hard. She's a traitor and doesn't seem to understand that it's not the time now, or ever.

But she doesn't like that thought and clenches. Shut up, you whore. You got me into this in the first place.

"Hi," he greets, smiling a little and scooting over slightly. A silent invitation to join him.

I sit and it's quiet. We don't talk for a while and all that can be heard is the soft chirps of crickets.

"I'm sorry," Edward says finally. I knew he would. I was expecting it, but it hurt. He was sorry for kissing me. I wasn't, I shrug.

"I told Tanya," Edward says again when I don't give a verbal response. I turn to stare at him.

"How'd that go?" I ask. My voice is rough.

"She already knew. You told her. She said she needed time to think and she hasn't talked to me since," Edward says and rubs his jaw. A nervous habit.

"I'm sorry," I say, feeling bad even though I was in the same position. A worse one.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," he begins and I feel my heart sink. I know this. I know it shouldn't have happened, but it hurts to hear him say it. He continues before I can stop him, "the thing is I'm not sorry that I did. I'm sorry that I waited this long. I'm sorry about the timing, the way it happened, but I'm not sorry I did it."

"What?" I ask, because his words aren't really registering. It kinda sounds like he wanted to kiss me, but that can't be right. Right?

"I've liked you for a while, Bella. I thought you were sweet and funny and cute," he stops and sends me a crooked smile, "I felt like an ass around you. Here I was, spilling everything right in front of you and you didn't pick up anything. You seemed to turn the other way, pretend you didn't know. You acted like I was just a friend and I thought that you were trying to give me a hint. You didn't like me.

"So then Tanya came along and she was a lot like you. She was nice and interested, she made it really clear, but I felt shitty. I knew you guys were friends and I didn't want to date her because she was second best, but she was insistent. So I gave it a chance. I let things play out and they snowballed. I realized somewhere along the line that I was sticking around more for you, then Tanya. I can't tell you how much I felt like shit. I knew I liked you, but I couldn't do anything. Even if I ended it with Tanya, I still couldn't have you. You're a good person; you would have stuck by your friend.

"I was going to end it. I know that may seem hard to believe, but I was. It felt too wrong and that moment in Tanya's room told me things were getting out of hand. I had to end it. I just planned on doing it sometime after your birthday, so I wouldn't ruin it. But…" he trails off here.

I don't say anything, just letting his words register.

A tiny insecure part doesn't want to believe it, but there it was. His confession, straight from him. There was nothing to deny.

"I liked you back then, you know. When we would have little discussions in homeroom. Hell, I liked you back when I was just a lowly 6th grader. I liked you, I still do," I say and he lets out a bitter laugh.

We were both extremely stupid; missing signs we thought we're both completely obvious.

We sit in silence for a while. There's nothing to say.

This isn't a movie. We can't just throw everything away because of our secret confessions. We can't hold hands and worry about tomorrow at a later time, because this is life. It doesn't end after the credits appear on the screen.

It goes on to tomorrow. It shows what happens when Tanya finds out, when all my friends find out.

I didn't know if I was still friends with Tanya, but I wasn't about to break the rules. You don't date exes.

This is so screwed up.

"Hey, look a shooting star," Edward whispers. I stare up at the pink sky and notice a flash shoot across.

"Make a wish, birthday girl," he says quickly.

Birthday. Maybe that's why my wish didn't work yesterday. Because it wasn't really my birthday.

I could make a wish, I could fix everything with the right wish.

But I don't.

Wishes got me into this mess and I would be the one to get me out of it.

I shake my head.

"No, I don't believe in wishes," I say and he looks surprised.

"Well that's a shame. You never know which one might come true." He sends me a soft smile and his words make me laugh. It feels really good to laugh after my shitty day.

"Do you think everything is ruined?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"My friendship with Tanya. My nonexistent relationship with you. My life," I say and sigh. He laughs.

"Well, there goes the dramatic sixteen-year-old. You're life isn't over. It just really sucks right now," he jokes and I slap his arm. We giggle for a moment.

"Bella?" a soft feminine voice says. We both snap our heads toward the sound, because we both recognize it.

Tanya stands on the bottom step of the porch. She isn't saying anything, just fiddling with her hands. I swallow nervously.

"Tanya. What are you doing here?" I ask. I look at Edward and he looks just as nervous.

"Could we…um… talk?" She asks, her eyes shifting down. Part of me wants to shun her. I have every right. It doesn't look like she would blame me, in fact it looks like she's expecting it.

But the other, you know, rational part of me knows we need to talk. I nod slowly. Edward gets up, causing the rocker to swing slightly.

"I need to get home anyway, but I'll call you later," he says to me. He walks by Tanya and she doesn't glance his way. This moment is so extremely awkward. Like if there was an awkward meter floating around, it would like combust.

I watch him walk away and Tanya moves to sit by my side.

"Happy birthday," Tanya whispers to break our awkward silence. I smile softly.

"I'm sorry."

The apology comes from both of us. We laugh a moment and swing. When we we're little and Tanya would spend the night, we'd spend the nights sitting out here. We'd watch the rain or fireflies or snow, depending on the season.

"I know, I'm a really bad friend. I know what I did was wrong, but you have to believe me when I say that I didn't think you still liked him," She says. I stiff.

"It's hard to believe anything you say."

"I know, maybe a part of me always did know that you liked him, but choose to ignore it. I take my part in this, Bella. I know I did wrong," she says. She stares at her hands.

"I don't think you understand the guilt that consumed me half the time. It was horrible. I felt guilty every time I was around you. I felt guilty for being jealous, for liking him, for betraying you. And that was before the kiss," I tell her. She nods.

"I knew you liked him, Bella. But you were always so quiet and whenever I tried to ask, you denied it. I thought maybe you just admired him from afar. It was stupid reasoning, I know, but it worked for me. So I asked him out and he said yes and I really liked him Bella. The first few times we started hanging out, I did see that you still liked him, but it seemed like it started to fade. I thought you were getting over him. Honestly, I did. Had I known you were still so… twitter patted," she smiles at our inside joke and I laugh a bit, "I would have ended it. I know it seems hard to believe but it was true."

"I would never have done that to you. I know what I did was horrible, but—"

"Hey, I trust you with my life Bella. You can't help who you like sometimes. I think we both did some pretty messed up things. 'Sides, Edward said he kissed you, not the other way," Tanya says and shrugs.

My heart pounds. Of course he would take the blame for it. He'd rather have us hate him, than ruin our friendship.

"Yeah, but… I wanted him too," I whisper, feeling my face heat in shame. She shrugs.

"I know."

It's quiet again. My mom comes out.

"Bella, hun, I think— Oh, Hi Tanya," Mom says, leaning against the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Swan," Tanya greets.

"Could I get a few more moments, ma?" I ask.

"Sure, but remember tomorrow is a school night," she says before stepping back in.

"My dad's waiting down the block. I should head home anyway," she says, standing up. she walks toward the porch steps and stops. She turns toward me.

"I hope one day, you can forgive me. I don't want to lose you as a friend. And as for me and Edward, we're pretty much over," she says with a smile and then walks off.

I knew she and Edward we're pretty much over, but…

Oh.

Well, now where does this leave us?

Okay, so I had to rewrite this chapter, hence the delay. I have maybe one more chapter and the story, I think, is over.

In the meantime, I did post a one-shot called, A Thing Called Love. It might be my next project, after this. If I decide to continue, but for now it stands as a one-shot. I would love if you would check it out for me.

Review.

-Dr.