Authors Note: So, ah, not dead and have not abandoned this fic (weakly shrugs shoulders?). I'm sorry guys, I kind of lost my creative juices for this story on top of teaching/taking classes but I don't want to send it to the graveyard just yet. If you're willing to bear with me (which I know is a big request at this point), I have every intention of finishing this in a much much more timely manner.


Rey lost herself in training.

In Poe.

In this godforsaken war.

It was easier to focus on these three things than anything else. Because, honestly, everything and everyone else around her she couldn't bear to deal with for another second.

Ben had become something of a mute. Once Rey had revealed she was well aware what game he was playing, it seemed there was nothing more he wanted to offer up to the Resistance. He didn't even want to talk to Rey anymore. Not that she felt much obliged to visit him after learning the truth. He spent his days quiet and sullen, sitting down in his cell and reading whatever literature his mother gifted him with.

Rey had also distanced herself from Luke after learning he was just humoring her with "training". She stopped asking for missions, knowing it was useless at this point. Luke trumped whatever voice of reason called out for her to be let free, even Han and Leia. So she kept up with her training, preparing herself for whatever the future had to hold, but did so without the help of her foster father.

Even Finn became a distant figure in the background of her life. His mother's betrayal and his consequent flight from home was troubling him more deeply than anyone expected. It was like a weight on his shoulders he couldn't shake off, making him into a twisted form of anger and sadness that was obsessed with going from one mission to the next. Rey supposed if she was actually allowed to do the same, she'd be just as focused on completing one task just to receive another. Sometimes, when she actually stopped for a minute to think-to feel- guilt sunk sharp claws into her back. Finn was her best friend yet she distanced herself from him, letting him deal with his demons on his own. Poe tried, he always tried, and Rey saw and pretended not to. Finn would humor his friend, listening to whatever he had to say, but didn't provide much feedback of his own in the conversation. More often than not their interactions would end with Finn giving a curt nod and abruptly walking away.

Han and Leia even proved to be thorns in Rey's side. She hated to think of them that way-she loved them-but their love for Ben was clouding their judgment on properly treating Rey. While Ben had chosen to stop speaking to Rey, she was still the only person he would not be actively angry and antagonistic too. In their eyes, that meant there was still hope for their son, but it was a hope only Rey could help foster and grow. They couldn't see how much Rey needed to stay away from Ben, how the mere mention of his name made her heart drop and her brow furrow. Perhaps this was how Finn felt as constantly let his mother's choices haunt his every breath. Rey had to assume her way was better, ignoring it all and locking it up in a dark vault within her heart and mind.

Poe was her only salvation. His easy demeanor. Easy smile. Handsome face. Soft touches. Gentle kisses. Kind and funny words. The way he could make her heart light and her mind forget everything else. She could breathe without any guilt or burdens pushing down on her lungs. Could let her eyes close and not be haunted by the people she was trying to avoid.

She liked when his hand would brush against her cheeks, tug playfully at her buns, and lift her up by the hips when she was in his way.

They were in valley outside the base, not too far away to be on alert but far enough for some privacy. Rey, in her leggings and tunic, was stretched out on the lush green grass, angling her face toward the sun and basking in its rays.

She couldn't see but feel Poe's fingers tracing the skin along her face, his touch feather light like a butterfly. Down her cheek, around her chin, up her nose, and then across her brows. Over and over again. Sometimes they would brush against her lips, making Rey's heart pound, but it happened so quick she knew he was teasing her.

"Poe" Rey whined when his touch disappeared all together. She cracked an eye open to see him grinning down at her, head propped up on his elbow.

"Yes, my lady?"

"Don't my lady me."

"Feisty this morning."

"That was relaxing."

"Was it now?"

"Why must you always be so infuriating?"

"It's a specialty of mine."

She hugged and slapped at his chest. Poe caught her hand easily, bringing up to his lips to press quick kisses along her knuckles.

"Rey?"

"Hm?"

Her eyes were closed again but she could feel the sudden air of nervousness that overtook Poe. His hand, still holding her own, was unconsciously tightening and untightening and Rey could already envision the tick of his jaw.

"I know this conversation may be…early. But considering everything going around us, we might not have the opportunity to talk about it later."

Rey looked up at him, curious. "Talk about what?"

His mouth opened and closed, and Rey would have wiped away the lines of worry creasing his brow if he still wasn't holding onto her hand. "I wish to marry you, Rey."

Oh.

"Now, I'm going to properly ask you, I swear it, but I just wanted to make you aware of my intentions."

"Poe, I…" Rey didn't know what to say. Truly. Her mind was blank but not blissfully so when she was usually with Poe. This blankness was oppressive, scary, and making her sweat suddenly. She needed to say something, she knew she did, but Rey's mouth couldn't even open to puff out air.

Yes? No? Thank you? How sweet of you? I don't know?

"Should I be nervous?" Poe chuckled, but Rey could see the way he forced it. "You are uncharacteristically quiet."

"I…" Again, nothing. Rey was staring at him, terror clawing up her throat. The more seconds passed the more she knew how awful she was being. How awful Poe was feeling.

Poe dropped her hand. "I'm sorry-"

"No, no, I just-I don't know what to say-"

"You don't?"

They were both sitting up right now, starring at each other.

"Rey, I never once doubted my feelings for you. I've know you practically my whole life. I've envisioned you as my wife for so long."

Rey wish she could say the same. It's not like she hadn't gotten a little swoony over Poe throughout the years, every now and then, but it had never developed into anything larger or stronger than a crush. How could it when her heart had always beat for Ben.

Ben.

The traitorous name and face, now called upon, would not go away. Rey swallowed thickly as her hesitance seemed to make sense now. Stupid infuriating Ben. She wasn't over him yet. No matter how much she hated him at the moment or ignored him, he still held a place in her heart she could not banish but only ignore.

"Don't you have any inclination of how you feel for me? What you hope for us?" Poe continued, oblivious to the truth of the matter. "I'm not some suitor you just met at a ball."

No, he was not, and Poe deserved the truth from Rey.

"I love you Poe," Rey answered honestly. "But I-"

An explosion in the distance stopped her words and grabbed both their attention.

It came from the base.

Poe and Rey were on their feet and running in an instant. Rey already had her staff drawn as well as Poe. They always brought them with them when leaving the base. And it was the right choice. For as they got closer they saw it.

The First Order.

They were here. They found the base. And they were attacking.

It had all gone so wrong so quickly.

Rey shouted to Poe to stay with her, and he had, and the two started cutting down as many solider they could. But it was mayhem. So many First order soldiers. So many Resistance soldiers. Attacking. Shouting. Killing. Bodies running. Bodies dropping.

And the black ilk of smoke staining the air was making it hard to see let alone breathe.

Rey's mind was focused on finding her family. Luke. Finn. Han and Leia. One of them, at least, to appease a bit of the dread suffocating her.

She had been ignoring them and now this.

But getting inside the base was proving impossible. It was too far. Too much fighting to get passed. Where one solider fell another seemed to appear. And the explosions kept going off. Left, right, pounding her ears and burning her lungs.

Rey needed to stop for a second, just to catch her breath, and it was then she noticed Poe was no longer at her side.

She looked around frantically, screaming his name, but couldn't make him out in any of the crowd.

Now panic set in.

Rey was alone. She was too far away from the base. But now, she saw it, people were evacuating, not staying. Her family would no longer be there. Where was she to go now? How could she find anyone in this mess?

A soldier lunged for her but Rey easily fought him off, swiping at his legs before plunging her staff into his chest. Blood ruined his white uniform, some it squirting out and splashing Rey on the face. She didn't even have the sense to wipe it off.

And then a familiar face showed itself.

Rey's dread only increased.

Ben.

He had somehow escaped. Or someone had set him free. Was this what this was? A rescue mission? Did Snoke see Ben as a valuable possession?

Rey scolded herself. Of course he did. Snoke believed in the prophecy and he believed Ben to be the darkness in it, he would rescue him no matter what.

White soldiers flanked Ben as they marched away from the base. They killed every Resistance fighter they crossed paths with, Ben killing without a moment's hesitation.

Rey hated him. Hated herself. Hated it all.

She was running toward him before she even realized it.

"Rey, no!"

A body jumped in front of her, killing her momentum and halting her anger, if only for a second.

"Rey, we need to go. Please."

Luke. Luke was here, alive, looking worse for wear and bloody but still standing. His saber was clutched tightly in his hands, soaked in as much blood as her own weapon. Rey looked at it numbly, then back to her foster father. His blue eyes were wide with fear, she could tell, but stone cold determination masked it.

"Ben…" She looked over his shoulder, seeing her faux cousin was getting closer. Closer to attack. To kill.

Could she kill Ben?

"No, leave him be. There's too many of them, Rey, we can't win this."

"We can't let him get away."

"We have to. Leia has already lead the retreat. Han and I are staying behind to save as many people as we can but only for so long. You need to leave now."

Commands. Again. Telling her what to do. Again.

Rey gritted her teeth and clenched her staff tighter. She didn't move an inch.

"Rey," Luke growled. His patience had run its course. "I'm not asking."

"Rey!" Poe was back, appearing from the smoke of the fray and skidding to a stop at her side. His hand flashed out to squeeze her shoulder, assuring himself she was alive. "Thank God. I lost you, I thought-I was so scared-"

"The two of you need to go now. West, into the forest. Keep going till you hit a river then follow it north to a cave-"

"No," Rey breathed. "No, I'm not going. I'm facing him."

"Rey, now is not the time-"

"I am the light that will defeat the dark, not you." Rey spat, crueler than she had intended. She held no stock in the prophecy and verbally had said so before, but right now, for some odd reason, it was the only thing she could think of. Ben, his darkness killing those around him, and here was Rey-so close to stopping him if only Luke would just move….

Poe's hand squeezed firmer. "Rey, he's right. We should go, please-" His face has gotten closer to her, his words hot wind against her ear.

And this was when Ben finally saw her.

Poe holding her, whispering in her ear, the two close-almost intimate.

Rey saw all he was seeing. And what an idiot he was to think this was a kriffing good time to be jealous. They were blood soaked, lifeless bodies littered around them, and stupid Ben Solo believed he was witnessing a moment of romance.

Idiot.

Rey was ready for his fury before it showed itself on his pale face.

"Luke move!"

Rey shoved the old man to the side and raised her staff, meeting Ben's sword as it came down.

Metal clashed on metal, loud and heart stuttering.

Maker.

Would he have killed Luke?

Rey had no time to ponder it as Ben pushed her away and then went for Poe. He met his attack with another terrible sounding clang and then the two began to duel. Ben was pushing Poe farther away from Rey who, in the meantime, took on the guards at Ben's side. Luke recovered and quickly coming to her aid.

"Ben, stop this!" Luke shouted as he knocked the blunt end of his blade against the side of a guard's head.

The words fell on deaf ears. Ben was snarling at Poe, blind and a slave to his bitter emotions. It made his fighting more lethal. He looked enormous as he battered at Poe, without any thought or abandonment, with his hair matted on his face and his muscles vibrating with every attack.

Rey's heart stuttered when Poe's foot caught against a rock, making him falter and giving Ben an opening. He rammed his knee into Poe's ribs, knocking the air and a pained gasp out of him, and then elbowed his falling face in the nose.

Rey was rushing to them as she saw red pour from Poe's nose, wordlessly leaving Luke to deal with the last guard that had been trying to flay her with duel daggers. Rey bodied Ben's side as he was trying to raise his sword and deliver a killing blow, but he was so much larger than her it only accomplished in making him stagger about an inch to the right.

"Leave him alone!" Rey snarled, taking a defensive stance in front of a now kneeling Poe.

"Protecting your lover?" Ben hissed, raising his sword but not making any other attempt to attack her. They stood, facing off but not moving, anger gnarling both their features. "Typical Rey."

"Shut up!"

"He's who you've been spending all your time with, no? How goes your little courtship?"

Where had the Ben gone that told her he loved her but expected nothing? Quiet, reserved, and accepting his feelings but also to fate that did not include her? Had Rey misinterpreted how Ben had been spending his time in isolation? What had the darkness done to him as he sat alone in his cell?

What had she done to him by staying away?

"Ben, stop this." Rey allowed some pleading to enter a tone, if only to appeal to the part of him that claimed to love her.

"Too late, Rey. I warned you. He's come for me and I must answer his call."

Snoke.

"No, you don't, Ben." Luke slowly approached them. His eyes darted between the two, weary of making any sudden movement but keeping his weapon firm in his hand. "Abandon Snoke. Leave the First Order."

Ben glared at his uncle. "You make it sound so easy."

"We can help you." Luke insisted.

"Help? Don't lie to me. I know what you wanted to do with me, Uncle. Feed me to the wolves, forget your troubles, and hope I'd become some ugly distant memory. That's how you wanted to help me, isn't it?"

Rey wondered who in the Resistance had been speaking to Ben, telling him about the going-ons of his family while he was locked away. A traitor, apparently, was in their midst. Or worse. What evil magic had reached Ben's ears and blinded his judgment.

Luke frowned at the truth spat in his face. "I was scared," He admitted, his voice cracking a bit. "Scared for Rey. What you would do to her."

Ben laughed something awful. "Funny, I was afraid for her being around you, too."

Luke's face hardened in a second. "How dare you. I would never-"

"Hurt her? Just like you would never hurt me? What would you do, Uncle, to end this war? What dark path would you go down if it meant a quick victory? Kill your own daughter?"

Rey looked at him, outraged. How could he even suggest such a thing? Luke would never!

"Never," Luke swore.

"Liar," Ben snapped. "I've felt your thoughts, what dark places they brush against when you're weak and desperate."

"Enough Ben," Rey growled and took a step toward him. "This is nonsense."

"I can teach you, Rey. How to know what I know. Feel what I feel. We both can do it, with the Force."

Rey was done listening to his ramblings. Madness had obviously overtaken Ben in that cell. He was spewing delusions, spiteful words and thoughts to hurt those who he believed hurt him. And Rey was done humoring him.

She lunged.