AN: I've gotten some really great reviews over the last few chapters. I appreciate all of your love. Enjoy. Congratulations to the ff board for 1600 threads of Living In Love, and 100 threads of fanfic at Zac's board. There may be a few typos, let me know, but if I find them, I will edit. Enjoy because it's almost over.
Disclaimer: I do not own HSM.
~*~
Lay Him Down To Sleep
PART EIGHT
"I crave the light that he brings."
-Gabriel, Lamb
February
A groan of frustration resonated from behind the closed door as Gabriella slammed it behind her in an effort to escape the room. Andy stood in his doorway as she stormed by, her cheekbones stained red and her fists clenched. Troy was being pigheaded and cynical and one more moment in his presence would have caused Gabriella to push him off the bed. Breakfast and Troy's failure to send her away had given her hope that her appearance alone would be enough to snap him out of his self-pitying depression, but the hours between her arrival and Saturday evening had dashed that hope to ruins.
He had eaten breakfast in silence under Gabriella's watchful eye, not meeting her gaze once. After he had listened to her berate him for his withdrawal from her life and his clipped tones, he had continued to stare at the wall behind her head as if she was talking to someone else. She argued against his lack of phonecalls and his dismissal of her feelings. When she had run out of breath and stood, chest heaving and tears streaming, at the foot of his bed, he had continued to maintain his speechlessness. Gabriella had left the room, only to return minutes later to try a different approach. Shoving her anger aside, she'd tried pleading with him. She'd tried guilt tripping him. She'd tried bribing him. Nothing worked. The basketball game droned on the television and when Gabriella caught him shifting his gaze from the empty spot behind her head to the TV screen to check the score, she lost all control over her usually tame demeanour. Yanking the remote out of his hand, she ignored Troy's verbalized protests as she threw it against the wall. Batteries fell out as the device broke against the plaster.
"Fuck the remote!" she had screamed at him, the pitch of her voice causing him to finally register the depth of her raging emotions. "Fuck you! What happened to the guy who wanted to leave memories? What happened to the guy I fell in love with?"
"He's gone, Gabriella. The cancer and the drugs and my fucking brain took care of him. Get used to it!" Gabriella saw the moment his mind registered what he was saying and for the first time, she realized what the Bolton's had been handling since she'd left.
She had known his impulse control would deteriorate, but to watch him struggle with the pain of hurting those around him was like a knife to her heart. Suddenly, she'd felt physically and mentally exhausted. Fatigue weighed on her limbs and even breathing seemed to take too much effort. Sighing, she'd run a hand through her hair, the curls limp and dull as she brushed them out of her face.
"You're giving in," she had replied quietly, her voice soft and heartbroken. "You promised you wouldn't. It was the one promise you've made that I expected you to keep. The rest are out of your control, but giving in is up to you."
Then she had left, slamming the door and leaving Troy by himself to mull over her words. Andy questioned her with his eyes as she walked past, and Gabriella could only imagine what she looked like. She hadn't slept much on the bus, her mind running at a hundred miles an hour as she imagined what her reception in Albuquerque would be like. She had daydreamed about her reunion with Troy, her mind falling into restless sleep on and off so many times it didn't seem to make a difference to her. Her hair had been tied up and let down repeatedly so that it was a tangled mess down her back. The Stanford sweatshirt she wore was wrinkled and her pants uncomfortable. She hadn't eaten in hours. Weariness made her eyes itch.
In the guestroom that looked the same as when she had left, someone had placed her suitcase on the bed. Ripping the zipper open, Gabriella yanked her sweater over her head and threw it across the room. It fell softly over the back of a chair. Her jeans followed after angrily tugging at the button, her frustration ebbing away slightly as she pulled on more comfortable sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt that barely reached the waistband. Pulling her hair into a messy bun, she clipped the back to make sure the wiry tendrils stayed in place. Irritation was replaced by restlessness as she toyed with the charm bracelet on her wrist. Part of her wanted to run back down the hallway and wage war again, and the other part of her wanted Troy to stew in his room. A soft knock on the door interrupted Gabriella's internal thoughts, jerking her head up to see Andy ease the door open.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, his voice quiet and his hands jammed awkwardly in his pockets.
"I'm fine," she told sharply, dropping her fingers from the bracelet to dangle stiffly by her sides. She felt caged by his presence, as if he represented the hope of the household that she could work miracles. "I should have expected his reaction."
"He didn't have the right to treat you like that," Andy assured her. "It almost makes me wish I was back at school. At least then there would be something to distract me."
"No," Gabriella sighed, leaning her head against the door post opposite him. "It's worse when you're at school. You try to pay attention but your mind is always somewhere else. You try to make time for your friends but you're afraid to go out because you may miss a call; or the call will come while you're out and you end up ditching your friends to savour the precious moments that require privacy. You do homework, but you really don't care. You read your textbook, but you don't remember anything afterwards. No, being at school is worse than being here. I guarantee it."
"What are you going to do at the end of the weekend?" he asked, knowing showing in his eyes. They shared the same circumstances and Gabriella was aware that Andy knew her reluctance to return to Stanford in the first place. She was sure he could predict her actions now.
"I'll figure it out."
Andy let the subject go and the awkward silence returned, strangling Gabriella with the irony how quickly she could step back from Andy and halt the need to spill her innermost secrets. There were moments when she forgot what was lost between them, and there were moments when she longed to have it back. Stepping back inside the room, watched as Andy shuffled down the hall to the stairs, eyeing Troy's room as he passed, but Gabriella couldn't read the expression on his face. Rubbing a cold hand against her hot face, she shut the door and turned off the lights. Sleep was unexpected, but she welcomed it when it swept over her.
~*~
When Gabriella woke on Sunday morning, she felt disorientated until the previous day came rushing back to her. Suddenly the room was familiar again and the sounds of people coming from below made sense as fogginess of sleep was driven away. Dragging herself from the bed, she grabbed clothes from her suitcase and her bag of toiletries, slipping into the hallway and entering the bathroom. After a shower that removed the tense muscles and the grime from the bus ride, she took her time pulling on leggings and a sweaterdress. Makeup followed although she kept it simple, and her hair bounced as she pulled the brush through her locks. Feeling better than she had the night before, Gabriella gathered her laundry and tidied the bathroom before returning to her room to make the bed.
Her humming halted when her gaze fell upon the tiny blue box on the corner of the nightstand. Its familiarity made her breath catch and she sent a rushed glance around the room to look for its deliverer. It hadn't been there that morning, she was sure or she would have knocked it off as she stumbled out of bed. Leaving her laundry on top of the desk by the door, Gabriella slowly crept towards the box and gently picked it up, cradling it in her hand. It wasn't wrapped. No bow or adornment. No tag, but she knew who it was from. Trembling fingers pulled the lid off, stilling when she caught a glimpse of the charm. It was simple, like all the others, its silver background dull against the golden design of the mathematical symbol for infinity. Troy was giving her forever in the only way he could.
Clamping a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries, Gabriella allowed herself a few moments to cry before pulling herself together and marching down the hall to the tightly shut door. She didn't bother to knock. The room was dark, like the day before, but the TV was off. Troy was sitting on the end of the bed, his hands spinning a basketball between them. A cane leaned against his dresser and Gabriella assumed he'd used it to get to her room without anyone noticing. He didn't look up when she leaned against the doorway, the box still in her hand.
"Last year, those guys from the rental shop invited us into town for their bonfire," Gabriella began softly, her eyes on the charm link and its simplistic loops. Troy looked up. "Do you remember that?"
He nodded and Gabriella gave him a small smile. It was genuine, pulled from the happiness of yet another moment when everything was normal and they were just two strangers using each other to occupy their vacation. Troy's lips twitched, but his smile was stunted by the curiosity in his eyes. He didn't know where she was going with the story, but Gabriella took her time to think about how to phrase it properly.
"It was a couple of days after Christmas and it was some weird town tradition where the high schoolers or the college kids home for break would play football in the snowy fields and sit around on logs by the fire and make out with their significant others. We decided to go just to get off the resort." Troy's eyes softened their guard for a moment as he remembered with her. "I don't know where Andy was, actually I'm not sure why I never saw Andy at all while we were there, but the point is your dad agreed for you to take the rental SUV into town. The entire drive you rambled on about your truck back in Albuquerque and how much work you'd done on it. I remember in the back of my mind thinking that you sounded like such a guy and the thing was probably never going to run, but I nodded and let you go on for what seemed like ages anyway because it was obvious you loved it."
Gabriella paused in her recounting of the night, biting her lip before taking the plunge into potential battleground. Slipping the bracelet off of her wrist, she took the charm from its cotton nest and let the box fall to the ground as she stepped around it on her way to the bed. Troy looked surprised when she sat down beside him, pulling his hand closer until it rested over her thighs with the palm up. Placing both the bracelet and the charm in his hand, Gabriella closed her hand over his before looking into his eyes and continuing.
"Your dad showed me the truck before Christmas when we were in the garage together. He called it your pride and joy and I was surprised when he said you'd gotten it running and every time it breaks down, you get it going again." That time, Gabriella caught the eye roll from Troy. "I have to tell you though, it's pretty ugly. Seriously, it needs a paint job."
"What's your point, Ella?" Troy asked in a quiet voice. It wasn't sharp or biting and Gabriella found hope it.
"You're not the type to give in, Troy. It's not in you to admit defeat. You may be realistic, and you may have come to terms with certain things, but you're not one to lie down and just wait for the end." She took a deep breath, feeling as if she was standing on the edge of a cliff. "So why are you doing it? Why aren't you downstairs with your parents or out with your friends or spending time with Andy? Why is your truck getting rusty in the garage?"
Gabriella had thought it would take longer for him to answer. She had thought that he needed someone to listen as he hashed out his thoughts. She had been wrong. He had an answer, poignant and simplified down to only the necessary words and articulation. He had obviously been talking to someone, but Gabriella felt it wasn't her place to ask. If he had found a way to let someone in, then she would give thanks for it and accept it for what it was.
"Everything is getting harder," Troy spoke as he squeezed her hand that lay in his. "Before it was a headache here and there, a dizzy spell that was easily covered up, or a few extra hours of sleep in the middle of the day. Now it's all right out there in the open and everyone watches for it, waiting for me to ask for help, falling over themselves to be there or offer their sympathy. I'm so tired of it, El."
Gabriella turned so that when she tugged on his arm, he leaned into her chest. Her fingers played with the strands of his hair as his head rested on her shoulder and despite the current conversation, her heart felt at peace as she revelled in having him close. She was aware that her motions were desperate and that her fingers clung to him. Listening as he spilled his fears and his apologies and his regrets to her, Gabriella closed her eyes and soaked up his presence.
"For the first few days after you left, Andy and I would shoot hoops out on the court. I had crappy aim and we couldn't do one-on-one, but we could stand at the foul line and just shoot without keeping score. Then my co-ordination got so bad that Andy spent most of his time searching in Mom's rose bushes for the ball and I told him enough was enough. We haven't played since. I went out one night, determined there was a way to correct myself so that I could still play, but after an hour and not one basket, I had to give in." Troy's thumb rubbed at the skin on the back of Gabriella's hand. "After that, it was easier to say no."
There was more, Gabriella learned, as he continued to talk. The room was hushed, only the low tones of Troy's voice as he told her everything she had missed. Everything he said he was glad she didn't see, but everything he wanted her there for because things wouldn't have been so hard. He told her how his dad had installed a handrail in the shower upstairs and how his mother would hover outside the bathroom door when he showered in case he fell. He told her how the guys had stopped playing X-Box or Playstation when they came over because they had caught on that Troy no longer had the dexterity to manoeuvre the controller. The day they caught on he had been faking it for their sake, Jason had called him out on it and Troy had kicked them out of the house. He hadn't seen anyone but Chad since.
When he wasn't dizzy, he was nauseous or light headed. If he was lucky, and stayed sitting, he could go a handful of hours without any symptoms. Like he had told her though, his movements showed the tumour's progression. Stairs scared him, he admitted. Going up wasn't as bad as going down, but going up took more time and strength. Slanted surfaces, like the driveway outside or the patio stones in the backyard, screwed with his depth perception on bad days. He hated the movie theatre where the darkness made navigating the aisles all the more complicated.
"You're right about the truck," Troy told her over an hour later, the time having been lost like grains of sands in an hourglass. "It has always been the one thing I could turn to when I needed a distraction or needed to think. I used to work on it for hours when we got home from Colorado and I needed to get you out of my head. I rebuilt the entire front end when I learned you were dating Andy. In theory, I should have turned to it when you went back to school and I had to admit things were getting worse, but it's hard to find the will to do it when I can't even drive it."
"Does it run?" Gabriella asked, her brain firing thoughts at a million miles an hour and her insides giddy as tried to keep up with the idea that was forming. "If someone wanted to drive it, could they?"
"I guess," Troy hedged, eyeing her sceptically at why she seemed so interested. Gabriella could assume part of it had to do with the anxiety of knowing someone else would be touching his 'baby' in said scenario. "I mean, I drove right up until the diagnosis. It may need the oil checked."
"It's a stick shift, right? With a clutch and a gear shift and everything?" She wasn't even looking at him anymore but staring into space. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the worried look on his face and giggled at how quickly she was thinking up her plan, but also at how he was actually engaging in it with her.
"El, where are you going with this? I'm not selling it, if that's what you're thinking. I already told Dad I want Andy to have it." Troy narrowed his eyes at Gabriella as she absently patted his hand before standing up and kissing his forehead hurriedly.
"Don't worry," she assured him, excitement in her voice that was lost on him. "We're not selling it. I need to do some things but then we're going out. You should have a nap first."
"Out? I don't want to go out. What can we possibly do out that we can't do here?" The edge to Troy's voice began to creep back in but Gabriella could see he was desperate to join her in her enthusiasm. Reaching for his hand, she took back her bracelet and charm, swiftly linking them together with practiced fluency.
"You'll see," Gabriella promised. "I promise we won't see people. Just you, me and some fresh air."
Troy reluctantly watched her go, already laying down by the time Gabriella spun in the doorway to shut the door behind her. Racing down the stairs and into the kitchen, she almost slipped rounding the corner. A grin lit up her face as everyone in the kitchen including Jack, Lucille and Andy gaped at her with their mouths open. Giggling, Gabriella pushed her hair behind her ear and straightened her dress to calm her nerves.
"Honey, are you alright? You've been upstairs for hours," Lucille asked, not mentioning the fact that they had all been downstairs craning to hear if yelling had erupted again from upstairs. They had been shocked to have her rush into the kitchen with a smile on her face instead.
"Everything is fine. Perfect. Fabulous," Gabriella gushed, looking at Jack and Andy. "Do either of you know how to drive a standard?" Jack nodded hesitantly. "Can you teach me in two hours? I told him to have a nap but I'm not sure how much time that can buy us."
"Gabi, what are you planning to do? None of our cars are stick shift." Andy gave her an odd look that she was familiar with, but hadn't seen in awhile.
"The truck is," Jack noted, and Gabriella's smile grew until her face hurt. "You're going to take the truck out."
"Can we do it in two hours?" she repeated, giving Andy his answer while confirming Jack's.
"Let's hope so."
Clapping her hands like a small child, Gabriella yanked her coat off the hook in the hallway and jammed her feet into flat soled boots. She caught the keys that Jack threw her from the bowl on the counter and barely refrained from skipping out the door behind him as he led the way into the garage. Hearing the grinding of the garage door, Gabriella stood in the driveway and looked up to the window of Troy's room. For a moment, she thought she saw the dark drapes part, but then she decided the smell of gasoline was making her crazy and yanked her gaze back to the truck that Jack was pulling out of the garage. Climbing in the driver's side when he had vacated it, Gabriella gripped the wheel tightly and listened.
~*~
Trees and houses rushed past the windows of Troy's truck as Gabriella drove towards the outskirts of town, Andy's directions running through her head. Beside her, his silence exaggerated by the barely audible radio, Troy sat stiff in the passenger seat as he looked out the window. Gabriella had expected him to put up more of a fight when she gently roused him from sleep just after lunch and threw open the dark curtains to let in sun. He had grimaced and protested, but seceded to her insistences that it would just be the two of them as she tossed jeans and a t-shirt at him along with clean boxers, socks and a hoodie. Then she had left, only to return minutes later with a towel from the closet. After showering and dressing at the painfully slow pace Gabriella ignored, Troy had brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair.
Gabriella caught the slight blush of pleasure on his cheeks when she complimented him with a quick kiss before telling him she would meet him outside after she grabbed snacks. Disappearing down the stairs, Gabriella softly told Andy and Jack that Troy was ready for them to help him down the steps. The getting of snacks had been a legitimate excuse for Gabriella to avoid being present when Troy descended the stairs. She knew it was a weakness he hated to admit and given how much he had let her in that morning, she felt it was only within her abilities to offer him a chance to reclaim some dignity. So she made sure she was outside while his father and brother held each elbow and slowly encouraged him to place each foot evenly on a step before doing the next one. Once in the driveway, Andy had helped both of them into the truck and slammed the heavy, rusted doors shut.
Troy had waited until they were out of the driveway before asking questions, something Gabriella appreciated as she bit her lip and mouthed the words to Jack's earlier instructions of how to drive the standard transmission vehicle. She had given him no answers except to reassure him that they were going nowhere public and that in all likelihood, he wouldn't leave the truck before returning home. Despite his frown and anxious behaviour each time Gabriella flicked on the signal light to indicate a turn, or each time the engine threatened to stall when she let the clutch out too fast, Gabriella had the intense indication that he was happy to be out of the house. Smiling to herself, she hummed along to the dim radio as she made another turn and began driving down the narrow road that Andy had mentioned.
"El, are you lost?" Troy asked her dubiously, his eyes scanning the road and the dashboard of the truck to make sure Gabriella wasn't going to break it. She rolled her eyes at his protectiveness. "There's nothing down this road but the trails to the river, and the river is pretty ugly if you ask me."
"I'm not lost," she chastised good naturedly as the road narrowed but remained smooth. "At the end of this road is a giant parking lot that no one uses and should be empty. Andy says it's big enough that kids from the high school come here to race."
"Well, yeah, but it's just a parking lot for the park," Troy replied, "Nothing special."
"We don't need something special. We just need somewhere big and empty, preferably paved." Gabriella stopped talking as she downshifted to a slower speed when the road opened into the lot that she had been seeking. "See! It's perfect."
She felt Troy watching her as she parked into a spot that would be easy to pull out of. Ahead of them, the park trails wound through the trees and a giant map indicated their position in accordance to the river with a giant red star. Unlatching her seatbelt, Gabriella peered over at him, and turned off the ignition.
"You and your parents agreed with the doctors when they suggested you not drive because you knew that the headaches and the dizzy spells were dangerous. I respect that, but you also told me this morning that each time something is taken away, you find it easier to give in the next time. I need you to fight. I'm not naive in thinking it will stop anything, but I need to know that you felt enough for me and your family in the end that you fought for every second we got to spend with you. If giving you back a little bit of control does that for you-gives you another reason to stick around for a bit yet- then I will do it." Gabriella held out the keys to him and let them fall into his palm with a jingle. "The decision is yours, Troy. We can turn around and go home, where you will go back upstairs and spend your time watching ESPN, or we can trade seats right now and you can drive around this parking lot until we run out of gas. There's even an extra tank in the back."
"You're serious?" he asked her, his eyes wide at the possibility.
"I am," she told him, opening the door and sliding to the pavement. "You don't even have to get out. Just slide over to the driver's seat."
She waited, dangling the challenge in front of him while he thought. She had meant every word. His mother would probably have a stroke if she knew what they were doing. His father had most likely already figured it out. Andy knew since she had asked him where to go where there would be no cars around in case things didn't go quite as planned. It was safe. Gabriella wasn't stupid, but she did know that Troy could handle a wide open space with no one around. He had lots of pavement available to him and she would stop him the moment she thought he had reached a limit. But it was safe. The sound of him unbuckling his seatbelt caused her to pump a fist in the air and run for the passenger side of the truck. Leaping in where Troy had sat moments earlier, Gabriella bounced in her seat as he jammed the key in the ignition and laughed outloud when the engine roared to life. Buckling her seatbelt, Gabriella leaned over and squeezed his hand before watching him struggle for just a moment with the shift as his years of practice came back to him. Leaning back in her seat, Gabriella let the smile on Troy's face warm her heart.
~*~
It was almost an hour later that Troy put the truck in park and cut the engine. Leaning over, he brushed his lips over her temple, his hand leaving the wheel to cup the back of her neck as she leaned into his kiss. It was long and sweet and tender, something they had both missed and yearned for during their separation. Seeing the happiness and new found vigour in his eyes, Gabriella decided it was time to spill the rest of her secret plans.
"I called Stanford this morning," she began, staring out the windshield. "I left a message for the registrar to call me tomorrow."
"Shouldn't you be back at school tomorrow?" Troy asked, his voice meticulously even. "You shouldn't be skipping class to come see me."
"I'm not skipping," she told him, refusing to meet his eyes. The tension in the truck built as each one waited for the words they both knew were coming. "I'm not going back this semester. The school knew it was a possibility when I left last week. I spoke to the department head on Thursday."
Troy looked over at her from the wheel of the truck. Behind him, out the window, she could see the field with its yellowed grass and bare patches. The sun glinted beyond the treeline. She could feel his gaze boring into her, but Gabriella was afraid to look at it. It was possible that he would be happy, and it was possible that he would be angry. The last thing she wanted was for him to be mad at her again, but the second last thing she wanted was to be separated by miles for another two months. Drawing in a breath, she waited for him to process the implication of her words.
"What do you mean when you say you're not going back?" he asked slowly, his hands clenching and unclenching around the wheel.
"It means I'm staying here," she answered, more snippy than she intended. She would defend her decision if he forced her, but as far as Gabriella was concerned, the reasoning behind it should be obvious.
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't do this." He paused, took a breath, and let it out slowly. Gabriella knew he was trying to control his temper. Trying not to yell.
"We did. Now I'm unagreeing. It's done, Troy." Gabriella turned in her seat to look at him, meeting his eyes when he did the same. "I can't go back. You wanted me to go because you thought it was best. I went because it made you happy. And I tried Troy, I really did, but I'm drowning there. My friends don't understand what happened between me and Andy and I don't want them to understand because that means letting them into something immensely private. I go to class but I don't give a fuck about what's going on because the entire time, I'm thinking about you. I can't be two places at once so here wins."
"Don't you think I want you here?" he asked, his hands pressing into the seat between them. "But you're sacrificing everything for me."
"So what?" she shot back. "You're worth the sacrifice. You're worth more than any scholarship or any degree or any course. I have a lifetime to finish school. A lifetime to work off the debt if they don't allow me to defer. I have a lifetime to live without you and there's no way I will give up the precious time we do have. I went back for you once, but this time I will go back when it's for me."
"It's hard to try and change your mind when I don't want you to go," Troy admitted. "I just want you to be able to live."
"I am living Troy, and I will continue to live when the time comes," Gabriella promised, gripping his hands in hers to close the space between them. "But right now, I want to live with you and no one can make me change my mind."
~*~
Later that night, when they were both curled up on the couch in the living room where Troy had insisted they watch a movie, Gabriella found herself watching the rise and fall of Troy's chest. He was right, to believe she would fall apart when he was gone, she could feel herself coming a little bit more undone each time she considered what it would be like for him not exist in her world. For her not to be able to reach out and touch him. To not call and talk to him, to hear his voice or his laugh. She'd also made a promise though, to live once he was gone and that was why the next morning, she spoke to the officials at Stanford and submitted all the paperwork to put her scholarship on hold until she felt fit to return.
Her professors were notified and her accounts balanced to zero owing. Her assignments were voided and all official paperwork sent to Albuquerque. Her mother was notified and her roommate gathered their friends and packed up her side of the dorm. Despite her disappointment and frustration at being so far away, Gabriella's mother paid to have everything shipped to the Bolton's or her home in Seattle, depending on what Gabriella required. When the final email we received and confirmed, Gabriella packed her books and school stuff in her now empty suitcase and shoved them under the bed, not wanting to think about when she'd have to look for them again.
