Computer keys clicked and clacked in a steady rhythm. The sound was soothing to Barbara, both something she could understand and something she could control. Unlike everything else in the room.
Her phone buzzed and Barbara debated for a few seconds whether or not to answer it. As badly as she needed a distraction, she wasn't sure if she was prepared to handle anything else. But with every passing second, this hospital felt like an enclosed bubble, and a rapidly shrinking one. So she stopped typing and answered the phone, not sure if she was actually hoping for anything on the other end of the line.
It was Clark, surprisingly enough. "Hey, Barbara! Just checking in. Everything all right? J'onn said you had a family emergency back in Gotham?"
"More or less," Barbara confirmed, glancing around to see if there were any potential eavesdroppers. Not that she planned on saying anything to revealing. "I'm still working on my "project", and I'll be back soon to talk in person. I just had to take care of things back home." After saying it, she wondered at her own phrasing. Saying 'back home' implied Metropolis wasn't a place she was going to stay in, that her roots were in Gotham and she would inevitably return. She'd left Gotham for a reason, because it hadn't felt like home, she'd lost everything that gave her the feeling.
Not that a permanent return was out of the question, Barbara just liked choice, rather than the predetermination or assumption that she'd eventually end up right where she started. Her ability to choose had been taken from her so many times after all, another reason to leave Gotham and all it's ghosts.
"Anything I should know about? Can I help?" Nice of Clark to offer, though Barbara doubted even Superman could fix this. But it did give her an opportunity for payback, a chance to feel like she had the power again, and kick the legs out from under her idiot ex-boyfriend.
"Dick's baby boy is in the hospital. We're waiting for him to go into surgery now." It was fun to drop the bomb like that. One of the few pleasures she'd had since crossing the city limits. But she was the one to deliver the message to Dick's idol, not the fanboy himself, and he'd be crushed.
Clark's silence was almost enough to make her laugh out loud. She might have, if not for the gloom in the current atmosphere. "... Dick has a kid? When did... Should I be congratulating you?"
"It's not me!" Barbara snapped back. Was everyone going to think that? Did she look pregnant? "And who cares what dumb bimbo he knocked up, there's more important things to worry about!"
"I'm sorry, you two were dating for so long, I just assumed..." Clark trailed off, and he did sound genuinely sorry. "How old is he? And you said surgery, how serious is it?"
"Pretty bad," she admitted, now coming down from her rage. "Little thing's not even a month old and he's already dealing with cancer." Right, there were actually more important things than her bruised ego at stake. It was hard to remember that, when she was so used to fighting and scrapping just to keep people from sweeping her under the metaphorical rug and walking all over her.
Clark let out a low whistle. "Poor Dick." Barbara grumbled a bit, even though her heart agreed. But everything was making her mad today, and of course Clark overheard, as he always did. "You don't agree?"
"I do, it's just..." she let out a frustrated sigh. "Sometimes it's like he does this stuff specifically to hurt me. I know he doesn't," she hurriedly said, "But it feels that way."
"Because he dated someone else after you? Started a family?"
"He doesn't have a family," she sneered, trying to picture Catalina doing anything domestic or even supportive. The idea of her changing a diaper was absurd, or maybe that was Barbara's own derision coloring the thoughts. "You don't know this girl, but she's a deadbeat, a criminal. I don't know what was going through his head, he shouldn't have been anywhere near her." The fact that Catalina tried to kill her should have taken the girl off the dating market. Since when did Dick see murder attempts on his girlfriend an attractive quality?
"You sound jealous."
"I'm not-" That was a lie. And though Clark didn't have powers to detect it, it felt wrong to lie to Superman. "We're over. I should be over it."
"You loved him. We're all human." An interesting thing to say, for someone who wasn't actually a member of the species. "... I can't believe Dick has a son. It seems like only yesterday that he was running around in his little Robin costume." And Barbara was running around in her little Batgirl costume and the world was perfect. That was before clowns came out of the shadows and aliens came down from the skies. "Is he around, can I talk to him? Or just fly over? Anything I can do, for Dick or you?"
"This shouldn't be about me." And yet, she kept making it about her. Barbara just couldn't let this go. "But I don't know. I probably shouldn't have told you, he hasn't really gone public with it yet... And we've already got a good group here in the waiting room, with shots fired. Adding more into the mix might not help." Dick hadn't told any of them until the problem was too big to go unnoticed, so she'd already broken his trust by letting the secret out to Clark. Payback. It didn't feel as good as it did ten seconds ago. "And it might be good if you didn't go announcing this everywhere, the situation is a little weird."
"I understand." How could he possibly? "What do you mean, shots fired?"
Barbara wanted to tell, but wasn't sure if Bruce was ready to let the whole superhero community know about the resurrected Robin. She'd already dropped one secret she probably shouldn't have. "A long story." Clark grumbled something about bats, secrets and crazy Gotham. "Thanks for calling. I'll let Dick and Bruce know you're thinking of them."
"Thanks. Remember, if any of you need anything..."
"I know, you're our own personal Superman." She bid goodbye to Clark, then leaned back a bit in her chair. She actually did want to beg him to fly over, but she was right in saying the waiting room was getting crowded, and she wasn't sure how Dick would react to her telling Clark without his permission. Now that she'd done it, she kind of regretted it. But the man was only a phone call away, if Dick indicated he wanted more company.
For now, he seemed content to sit with Tim and Jason, who were taking turns reading children's books to RJ and making moronic faces. It was cute, and Dick looked something approaching happy, like he should be, finally having a child of his own. It was only the dream of his life, to be married and be a father, passing on all the good things he'd picked up from his various parental figures and building up a new family to replace all the deficits. Like a messed up stitch when knitting a scarf, he'd determined the next stitch would be perfect and then the whole row would hold together, even if one loop in the weave was faulty.
And God knew Dick needed to love something that would actually allow him his ways. Bruce refused to be helped, loved or protected the way Dick wanted to, and Barbara had some independence issues over it that had contributed to their eventual break-up. But that was how Dick was, he lost himself in other people, and given the absence of beings willing and nearby, he was starting to close off and turn into Bruce, especially as the problems with Blockbuster and the gang wars escalated. Barbara had actually considered buying him a puppy, just to give him an outlet.
A baby was perfect. Completely dependent and needing love and protection, Dick could pour all of that devotion into somebody who wanted it. And someone who would love him back, though that was an irresponsible reason to bring a child into the world, at least by itself. But Barbara couldn't think of another plausible explanation for hooking up with Catalina, except Dick was just that desperate for a family, that desperate to not be alone.
But that didn't make this her fault. No, Barbara wasn't responsible for whatever dumb things Dick did after they broke up. But Dick was also right in saying those dumb things he did were none of her business. They weren't together, Dick could date whoever he wanted. Impregnate whoever he wanted.
After all, they wouldn't be having the whole miracle of childbirth thing with her. Their relationship was doomed from the start.
Barbara sighed and rubbed her eyes, then looked down at her computer with a frown. She hadn't been completely honest with Superman, as she hadn't been working on her little "project" with J'onn. Instead, she'd been looking up facilities, medications and side effects, treatments and varieties of pediatric cancers. By herself, since she couldn't bear to talk to Dick after they'd all exploded in the waiting room. She was embarrassed by what she'd said, and how little like a friend she'd behaved. She wasn't sure how to make it right, since there was no taking the words back, and honestly, she still had a lot of those earlier feelings. Just because she shouldn't have said them out loud didn't make them less true. And how was she supposed to tell Dick she was sorry when she still thought he was an irresponsible, unthinking idiot?
When she looked up again, Tim was standing in front of her. "Hey," he said in an innocent and non-threatening way. "Can I sit with you for a bit?"
"Need a break from entertaining the baby?"
"I just thought you might not want to be alone." Really? Because in Barbara's mind, being alone was exactly what she wanted. But Tim sat down in the nearest chair and smiled at her. "How are you holding up?"
"This doesn't actually affect me," she said, and typed a few random keys on her laptop to look busy. "It's Dick's life, I don't have a part in it."
"This affects all of us," Tim said in his diplomatic way. He smiled at her. "It's not bad that you care."
And that's when Barbara sensed the ulterior motive. "Look, if you think that Dick and I are going to get back together and raise this kid all happily ever after style, that's not happening. The world doesn't work like that."
"I'm not expecting a big romantic scene. I just miss having you as a friend. All of us do." His smile never dropped, or lost it's purity. Even though Barbara knew Tim to be more devious and secretive than Bruce. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
"Who cares if I'm okay? I'm not the one going in for surgery, and I'm definitely not planning on getting domestic with Former Wonder, no matter what mind games you're trying to play."
Now Tim lost his smile. "Barbara, you didn't join Batman's operation because of Dick, and I'm a little insulted that you think you're not part of us just because you broke up. None of us actually care about the status of your relationship right now." He stood up and made to leave, and Barbara winced.
"All right, I'm sorry," she called him back. "You're right, I have a part in this. I just..." Wished she didn't. Wished she could just call Dick an idiot and not feel anything. "I'm used to fixing your problems. And this one is beyond Oracle." Her power had been taken. Her choice had been taken, even if that was a little selfish. She would never be the mother of Dick's child, now someone else had gone and stepped in the empty role, taken away even the opportunity to come back and explore other avenues of parenthood with him. Even if she wanted to get back together someday, his first child wouldn't be an adventure they took together.
But she'd broken up with him, gave that up, as she'd been reminded. Now she was useless. What could she do, but sit on the sidelines and pretend she was still relevant to all of this? "I haven't been in Gotham for a long time," she said. "I guess I don't really have a place here, anymore."
"You always have a place, you're family," Tim reassured. "And no one's expecting you to save the day or marry Dick or anything big. We just need a friend. Right now, we could use all the friends we can get." He looked hopeful. "So, friend, can I sit with you for a bit?"
Barbara felt guilty again, for turning everything into a big drama about her, but she shelved it. "Sure. Pull that chair back up." It was nice to have a friend in the midst of all the chaos. She tilted her laptop screen towards Tim. "I've been looking up news articles on cancer in babies. There's a lot of cases where they survived and went on to live healthy lives."
"Really?" Tim seemed encouraged, hopeful. Of course, there were far more cases where they died or had horrific complications afterward, but Barbara kept that to herself. A friend's job was to be encouraging, after all. "I bet Dick would love to hear about this."
Barbara looked over to Dick, Jason and RJ. "Yeah..." It would be an icebreaker. Something nice to say, remind him that hope was not all lost. And maybe an apology wouldn't be out of place, even if she still thought he'd been out of his mind to ever touch Catalina. Being nice, admitting you were wrong even if you weren't ready to concede everything, that was what friends did, right? "I guess it might cheer him up..."
"Yup." But Barbara wasn't quite ready to go over to him, and Tim seemed to sense that. "Tell me more?"
So she did. She sat with her friend and they drew strength from each other, and once she'd gathered her courage, she'd roll over and share it with Dick. Just like their team, their family, always had.
After Tim left to talk to Barbara, things got awkward.
Just Dick and Jason.
Two guys who'd never liked each other that much anyway, now grown up and minted brothers by law and resurrection.
Just sitting there...
… Thank goodness for RJ, it gave them something else to focus on.
But Dick had to admit, Jason wasn't so bad now that they had a common interest and they weren't embroiled in some contest to prove which one of them Daddy loved best. He was actually kind of cute with RJ, though he only managed to hold the kid for about thirty seconds before handing him back and declaring he didn't want to break anything.
So, not babysitter material. But he read a mean 'Cat in the Hat'. Dick smiled as he settled RJ back in his arms, and was still amazed that he actually felt happy. Or something like it, just for a second. He looked between Jason and RJ, looked over to Barbara and Tim, looked around the deceptively cheerful hospital room and marveled. There was so much to be miserable about, so many reasons he, Dick Grayson, did not deserve to be happy right now, the biggest one being the poor, squalling state of RJ, but still...
This was good. This moment was a good thing. "So, what's it like being a dad?" Jason abruptly asked, startling Dick. For Jason's part, he looked like he hadn't expected to ask the question either, certainly didn't expect an answer, and stared up at the ceiling like he hadn't said anything at all.
Dick could only answer honestly. "I'm not really sure, yet..." He looked down at RJ, as if he'd find the answer there. "It's different." Different like a wrecking ball through the living room. But not all bad. He'd find words later, when thinking wasn't strewn with hidden landmines and barbed wire.
"Hm." Jason looked away from the ceiling, now at the left corner of the room. Anywhere but at Dick. "You weren't planning on it, right? That's the vibe I'm getting from everyone."
"Yeah, it blindsided me just like the rest of you." Again, like a wrecking ball. He tickled RJ's cheek a little, and was rewarded with a small inclination of the baby's head. No laughs yet, but Dick supposed he wouldn't laugh much either with a tumor growing in his midsection. RJ had quieted down a bit from before, though that might not have been the best of signs, given the circumstances.
"Do you want him, though?"
That question shocked Dick, mostly because he'd been thinking nothing else for days on end and the answer wasn't as simple and crystallized as it probably should have been. "Yes." It wasn't a lie. Not quite the truth, either, but... "I love RJ." That was true. It took a while to figure that out, but it was true and real and absolute. "I just wasn't expecting him."
Jason nodded. "Yeah, I don't think my old man was expecting me either." Well, this was starting to get personal. "But you're doing a better job than he did. I think you're a pretty good dad." That bar was set abysmally low, but it was still the best compliment Jason had ever given him, so Dick decided to take it as sincere.
"Thanks."
"You're a better dad than a brother." Oh, wow. Maybe not a compliment, then? It had honestly never occurred to Dick that Jason wanted him to be a brother. His presence was rejected and resented at every turn, and the few moments of camaraderie they had usually ended with Jason feeling patronized and twisting things around until Dick lost his temper or his mind. All that time he felt Jason was pushing him away, maybe he was actually reaching out?
"Jason, I-"
"I think you tried to be," Jason continued, still not looking at Dick and apparently not stopping for input. "Maybe not super hard, but more than anyone expected you to, I mean... I was Bruce's kid, and you were just some guy who used to live there." They weren't family. So, a mixed compliment, not exactly an insult. But it still hurt to be reminded of that time when Dick had no family and no home, another boy taking his place in Bruce's heart without even a word from the other man to indicate they were anything to each other.
It still produced pains in his chest. It always would. "I think I get that now," Jason said, his voice a bit softer and reflective. "I didn't back then, but now I do. It was my job to make that happen, not yours."
"I don't think it was our job," Dick mused. Maybe Bruce's, he was the stupid parent in their messed-up, blended family. "Besides, you had that cute-but-annoying little brother act down pat. My issues had nothing to do with you." Didn't he just say that to RJ earlier? Dick's problems were always hurting the people he cared about, even without meaning to. He was poison, infecting anyone who got too close. "Maybe if we'd have been raised together..." If Dick had been adopted, if Robin had been a true passing of the torch... "I dunno, maybe things would have been different?"
"Maybe." Jason was quiet for a second, then blurted out. "But it doesn't change anything. I still hate you."
Dick sighed. "Sure, whatever."
"Not completely. Just mostly."
"I can live with that." He almost smiled when he saw Jason vainly pretending not to care about Dick's response. "I think you're a pain in the butt. But not completely." And Jason's lips curled up a little at the ends.
"I can live with that." He wasn't sure if this denoted a truce or not, but Dick thought it likely that Jason wasn't making plans to murder him in the near future, which was probably progress. "Not a complete pain in the butt. High praise from the Golden Boy."
Dick groaned. "Don't call me that."
"What, you prefer 'His Royal Highness'?"
"Stop it!" He said that a little more forcefully than he probably needed to, but it was a sore point with Dick. The Golden Boy, perfect and flawless, on a pedestal so high it was impossible to stay balanced, and the fall was enough to kill. "I hate that name." He didn't even know how he'd earned it. By the time Jason showed up, Bruce was cursing Dick at every opportunity.
But golden boys didn't have bruises on their faces, or have to rationalize how they got there. Dick held RJ close, partially for comfort, and partially to add to the ever-growing mental list of "Ways Daddy Is Screwed Up That We Are Not Going To Pass On." If Jason resented him that much, Dick would trade places any day. "It was always you, Jason. You were so loved, and Bruce just fell apart after you died."
Jason rolled his eyes to show he'd heard it all before, and didn't care. "Yeah, I'm sure he got real weepy. Right between adopting you and hiring Replacement and that dead chick to take my place."
"Really. After you died... he kicked me out," Dick said, and that got Jason's attention. "Took away the keys and everything. His son was dead, and if he couldn't have the real thing, he didn't want the fake hanging around..." That awful fight. Bruce blamed Dick for Jason's death, and maybe some of it was deserved. Dick had blamed himself a little, too, even before arriving at the graveside. Just like he'd blamed himself for Barbara's tragedy... Bruce hadn't verbally condemned Dick for that, didn't repeat that if he hadn't left Gotham, hadn't been so insubordinate, hadn't insisted on being Robin in the first place it wouldn't have happened, but Dick thought it was implied. Bruce probably blamed him for Stephanie, too. Jack Drake was another innocent who would never have suffered if not for Dick's entering and vacating the Robin costume, they could throw that whole family on top of his guilt pile.
And even if Bruce didn't blame him, by some miracle, there was still the awful truth Dick heard that day. Knocked to the floor, looking up to Bruce's nearly rabid face screaming how much he regretted ever having Dick in his life, it was a moment he'd never be able to forget. Bruce would rather leave Dick to the mess of the foster system, rather have Dick die as Robin, if it meant Jason continued to live as his son. "You never had to compete with me, he loved you so much."
"Just not enough," Jason muttered, and Dick gave a sigh. Bruce was such an idiot, if Jason honestly didn't know.
"Why? Because he didn't kill the Joker? He does that because he loves you." That earned a skeptical look. "Think about it, what if he had killed the Joker to avenge you? Back then, or even right now, think about the moment after. If he went out and blew off his head today, picture looking him in the eye and tell me what you have, where that leaves you." Because Dick might never understand what it was like to die or be resurrected, however that happened, but he did know what it was like to plunge your hands into blood and filth. "What does it change?"
"I know, it makes you just like them, I've heard the speech," Jason mocked, but his heart wasn't in it. He seemed to be actually considering the question.
"That has nothing to do with it. Bruce's rules and ultimate lines only work for him," Dick said, and it was a small miracle he kept his voice steady through that. He shoved away any ironic echoes and kept talking, "He can preach all he wants, but in the end, it's about a smoking gun and how you feel about it. And he feels he loves you too much to pull that trigger."
"That makes no sense."
"Bruce's best friend was Harvey Dent," Dick explained. "Great guy, until mental illness took over his life. Bruce used to visit him all the time, and always hoped Harvey would be able to heal, turn his life around. But Two-Face isn't going to get better until he wants to, so Batman keeps catching him and the courts send him back to Arkham, until he breaks out again."
"The Circle of Life," Jason mocked, but Dick ignored him.
"Thing is, Two-Face probably does deserve death. He's done horrible things, beat me nearly to death once, and I bet Bruce wouldn't mind returning the favor. The odds of Harvey Dent ever cooperating with treatment and getting better are next to nothing. But Bruce can't kill him, because that means giving up on his friend. It means some people are lost causes, and there's no chance they'll ever do good in the world again. Some people's lives are so worthless that their future can be thrown away."
Jason sneered. "The Joker definitely qualifies."
"If Bruce kills the Joker, even to avenge someone he loves, he's saying some people are irredeemable," Dick repeated. "That's just how he sees it. If one person's a lost cause, then there are probably others. And if he gets to decide someone's life is worthless, why can't other people? If he decides that someone is that hopeless, in his mind, he's giving everyone the same license to judge, even if they've never known desperation or suffering. The people who believe a kid is doomed to be a thug because of where he was born, what his parents did, or a couple bad choices, that he'll never belong or be worth anything, no matter how nicely you dress him up..." Dick saw Jason making the connection in his head. "Bruce thinks that if he takes a life, he's giving people the right to decide that kid's worthless, too."
Dick let that sink in for a second, and focused back on RJ. He rocked the kid a little and wondered where they were going to be in ten or twenty years. Because Dick's reasons for not taking life were very different from Bruce's, mostly in that they weren't as strong or defined until recently, and that had all fallen apart for him when he met Blockbuster. And one day, despite all best efforts, RJ was going to find out the kind of man his father truly was. Dick would never be able to say anything without sounding like a hypocrite, but hopefully he'd be able to raise his son with enough of a moral code to be ashamed, rather than take after him.
That was a grim future, to hope that his kid would one day grow up to despise him. Meanwhile, Jason shook his head. "That's so dumb."
"That's Bruce," Dick shrugged. "He gets these ideas in his head and clings to them like gospel, it doesn't mean he's always right." But woe unto the fool who dared to nail that letter to the church door. "The important thing is that he loves you. He won't do what you ask because he cares, not the other way around."
"This is so messed up." That it was. Dick hummed a little as he rocked RJ and let Jason come to grips with how he felt about that little speech. Maybe it wouldn't matter that much to him in the end, since it didn't seem like Jason had any desire to return to life the way it was, and goodness knew Bruce would never let go.
But that was the dark side, the side Dick didn't divulge for fear of ruining whatever good moment he was having here. Bruce always left the option for reform open, even to the likes of Two-Face, but he hadn't been to visit his friend Harvey in years. He hoped for the man's redemption, might even be able to forgive the atrocities committed, but their friendship was over. And if the Joker achieved some sort of magical turnaround and devoted his life to good works and charity, Batman would let him go in peace, but he would never forget.
And Dick? Yeah, Bruce wasn't going to literally kill him, might not even drag him off to Blackgate Prison. He'd give Dick every opportunity to atone, brutal as the process might be, because he had to believe people could change, that they deserved to change.
But it didn't mean he'd ever trust Dick again, and he'd never love him again. Those were gifts that had been squandered, and Bruce didn't have to forgive. The fact that Bruce would probably throw open the manor door and kill a fatted calf if Jason would just walk away from the whole Red Hood thing now, and that Jason didn't see how rare of an offering that was, that stabbed Dick to the core. He didn't blame Jason for rejecting Bruce's path in life, and he was in no position to judge the new methodology, but to dismiss the great well of love the man had for him seemed like such a tragedy. The packaging was juvenile, as was Bruce's grip on feelings and expressions thereof, but the gift was sincere.
Dick lost everything with Jason's death, something his negligence only played a small part in. Now he had a real death under his belt. And he didn't have any of Jason's excuses to absolve him.
"Am I interrupting a serious discussion, boys?" Alfred said as he returned with the promised food, none of which looked appetizing to Dick. But he accepted a package of crackers with a lackluster smile.
"Nah, we could use a distraction, have a seat. And thanks for the food."
"Of course." Alfred sat down in one of the chairs and offered Dick a can of juice, with a face that demanded he take it. Dick did, but as soon as the liquid hit his throat, he felt like throwing up. "Master Jason, how nice to see you've returned."
"Bruce isn't right behind you, is he?" Jason asked with a skeptical glance down the hall, and Alfred smiled.
"Master Bruce is engaged in other business at the moment, but will arrive as soon as he can." He smiled at Dick, one that was not returned. "He wants nothing more than to be here, I assure you."
"Yeah, I bet he's got a lot he wants to say to me," Dick muttered, and Alfred frowned. He looked between Dick and Jason, both miserable now that Bruce's name had been brought up, and he cleared his throat.
"Sirs, I know this has been a trying time, and one where high emotions might not have revealed everyone's best sides..." Jason gave a snort, which Alfred ignored. "But Master Bruce cares deeply for both of you. He always will."
"Yeah, until he kicks us out, apparently," Jason retorted, and Dick flinched. But he was right in saying Bruce's love was conditional, and Dick had lost it. Once Bruce learned everything that happened that night, it was all over for him. Jason, perhaps, still had a chance, clearly not being completely in his right mind. He was hurt and confused, and though he'd crossed the line and killed, his mind was obviously clouded by pain and trauma. Bruce could still forgive that, if Jason met him halfway, and he'd hang on to his son a lot longer than he'd hang on for... whatever Dick was to the man this week. It was probably Dick's fault Jason had chosen this path, anyway, either because he'd contributed to Jason's death, or because Jason had subconsciously chosen Dick as a role model and followed in his abysmal footsteps. "Sorry, Alfred, I'm not exactly feeling the love here."
"Well, then," the butler said crisply, "There is one thing you would do well to remember. Master Bruce may hold the deed to the house, but I hold the keys." He waited until Dick and Jason both looked up and met his eyes. "Fight with him if you wish, but I care for you both as well, and the doors will always be open to you. Please don't forget that again, or I will be very cross." And his face certainly promised that, enough that Jason laughed a little.
Dick couldn't. Alfred didn't know the truth. Alfred still thought he was that perfect, golden boy with excellent grades and an innocent nature, who was obedient and eager to please. Even now, with suggestions that Dick had finally been shaken off the pedestal, Alfred still assumed the best of him.
"Well, we can't have that," Jason drawled, warming up to Alfred and allowing his posture to relax. Dick felt like choking, or drowning. He wished, not for the first time, he could leave RJ in this wonderful circle of love and just disappear. But he couldn't, even if he secretly feared the boy would be better off without him in the long run, and so Dick curled his arms around the baby in his arms and forced himself to nod. This would have to be enough.
A balancing act, a grand show, like when he was young, Dick would hide the truth for a bit longer, be that happy, golden boy for as long as he could. And as long as he did, he would have Alfred's kind words and caring eyes to get him through, Tim's admiration and cheer, Barbara's intelligence and exasperated affection, Cassandra's quiet strength and Bruce's grudging assistance. And some sort of pseudo-brotherly thing with Jason. He needed to stop thinking about how he didn't deserve it, and how much it was going to hurt when he finally fell and lost it all, and just enjoy it.
Jason was laughing openly, like he had before the Joker, and Alfred was cooing at RJ, who actually curled his pouty lips into a sort of smile for a few seconds. And Dick forced himself to swallow his awful feelings, save them for when he was alone and no one was depending on him to be the perfect one. For now, this was enough, and this would get him through.
No, he amended, as Jason picked up another children's book and Alfred called them "his boys", bringing Dick and Jason together in that familial context for the first time, this was more than just enough. He allowed himself to lean into Alfred's shoulder a bit as Jason started reading aloud again, and he nuzzled RJ for a few seconds. This was special. And even if it all disappeared with the inevitable reveal of Dick's crimes, it was still something real to hang on to.
After all the awful circumstances that led them to this moment, wedged in among the pain and misery, was a perfect, shining moment of happiness. And it looked like even a lost cause like Dick deserved a few of those.
