Chapter Eight
The drive to the studio was a silent one between the two longtime friends. Haley was concentrating on the road but every once and a while she would glance over at Brooke in the passenger seat, and watch her stare out the window looking solemn and sad.
While there may have been no words spoken between the two women on the drive, it was certainly not quiet in the head of Brooke Davis. The closer they got to the studio, the faster Brooke's heart started to race.
She wasn't sure she was going to be able to pull off acting like nothing happened between her and Peyton the night before. She had pulled away the first time, because she didn't know how to deal with the situation and now, two years later, she still had no idea how to deal with it. All she could think about was Peyton's touch and kiss.
She was beyond confused. Why did this keep happening? It had to mean something right? After all, they had been back in Tree Hill together for several weeks now and Brooke, although she couldn't remember everything… she was sure that last night it was Peyton who had leaned and kissed her and initiated what had happened between them. So what did that mean? Was Haley right? Was there a chance that Peyton really did have feelings for Brooke and she was just as scared as Brooke herself to admit them?
These questions continued to fly through Brooke's train of thought as they came to a stop in front of Tric. But neither girl makes a move to get out of the vehicle.
"Brooke… we're here," Haley announces, her hand resting on Brooke's shoulder. "You alright?"
"I don't know… my mind is just very cluttered right now," Brooke admits, feeling just the slightest bit of relief that she has someone she can talk to about this.
"Just act like yourself Brooke. She probably didn't even notice if you were both so drunk."
"No, you're right. I'm just starting to wonder…" Brooke trails off, almost afraid to say what she'd been thinking out loud. She didn't want to sound desperate by saying she thought Peyton might have feelings for her too and she still wasn't ready or willing to admit just exactly what had happened between the two best friends the night before.
"Starting to wonder if she has the same feelings?" Haley asks, getting Brooke's head to snap over in her direction. "Don't look at me like that! I've known both of you for a long time and I know the look you get when you are interested in someone. I've seen it on both your faces since you've been back," Haley says, smiling.
She knew, especially now that Brooke had admitted it, that Brooke was feeling strongly for Peyton. But she had seen the same look in Peyton's eyes. And Peyton had been very clear that she no longer felt or had feelings for Lucas. If she had to bet on it she'd say that both the girls had the same feelings for each other and both were just too scared to admit it.
Brooke was always the type of person that didn't like to admit she had something huge going on. She would keep the toughest problems to herself and try to deal with them on her own. Eventually she would break down, but it would always be in Peyton's arms.
Peyton was similar, but her tactic was to run from the thing that scared her. She would push, pull and fight to get away from whatever it was that she knew was going to hurt her. In the end, there was only one person who had always been able to reach her… and that was Brooke.
They were the same in so many ways, but so different at the same time. It astonished Haley that she hadn't picked up on their feelings for one another in high school, because the more she thought about it, the more obvious it became. They belonged together… two sides of the same coin… completely different but nothing without the other.
Brooke hadn't responded to Haley's comment and instead was looking down at her hands in her lap again. Haley let out a small sigh, hoping that the two girls would finally find each other the way they always did and admit their true feelings.
"Come on… let's go in," Haley says, opening her car door and watching as Brooke takes a deep breath and does the same. They walk up the outside steps of the club and into the darker lit room.
They make their way passed the empty counter and straight to the studio in the back, opening the door with Haley leading the way.
"Peyton?" she calls out, not seeing her anywhere right away.
Brooke walks around, glancing in the recording area and doesn't see her blonde best friend anywhere.
"She's not here Hales," Brooke says, coming back around the corner with a slight frown on her face. If Peyton wasn't at the studio, that meant she really was avoiding Brooke because of what had happened between them last night.
"Let's go ask Lucas if he's seen her then," Haley says, practically pulling Brooke back out of the studio and toward the bar of the club. This time, Lucas is standing behind it, arranging bottles of alcohol. He hears their footsteps approaching and smiles.
"Morning girls… it's a little early for a drink don't you think?" Lucas asks with a chuckle in his voice. Brooke's head is still pounding and she finds it hard to push out the fake smile.
"Actually we were hoping to see Peyton… have you seen her this morning yet?" Haley asks.
"Yeah, she was here when I got here believe it or not."
"She was?" Brooke asks, suddenly interested in the conversation now that she knew Peyton had been there.
"Yeah… when I got here I saw her car so I went into the studio to see what she was doing here so early. She never comes in before noon."
"And…" Brooke asks, waving her hand urging him to continue.
"And that's it. She said she had to do some paperwork and then she left. Why? Is everything alright?" Lucas asks, now concerned by the way Brooke is questioning him about Peyton's whereabouts.
"Everything's fine Luke… Haley just needed to talk to her about something and we were trying to track her down."
"Oh… well, she didn't say where she was going but now that I think about it, she did seem kind of off if you know what I mean. Like she hadn't slept and needed to clear her head."
Lucas' words all of a sudden send Brooke the knowledge she needs. She knows where Peyton is and she knows that she has to get there.
"Haley, can I borrow the car?" Brooke says, already holding her hand out for the keys.
"Ummm… sure… everything okay Brooke?" Haley asks, putting them in her hand and watching as Brooke moves toward the exit.
"I've got to go…," is all she says, and Haley can tell just by the rushed tone of Brooke's voice that she knows where Peyton is.
Haley and Lucas watch as Brooke disappears out the door and Lucas frowns.
"What was that all about?"
"I'm really not sure," Haley replies as she continues to look at the door that Brooke just exited out of and a small smile forms on her face.
Brooke rolls to a stop putting the vehicle in park. She doesn't move to get out of the car however, instead choosing to say seated and gather her thoughts first.
She wasn't quite sure what to say… but she knew she had to say something. She was trying to decide if Haley had been right. Was it better to get it all off her chest and tell Peyton the truth? Or would that just make it more likely for the blonde to go running back to L.A., leaving Brooke behind broken and distraught? Brooke couldn't be sure, but she did know that the last thing she wanted was for things to go back to the awkward stage they had been in after the last time this had happened.
When Brooke's head starts to ache from all her heavy thinking, she sighs and opens the door. While she wasn't exactly ready for what she was about to say, she knew no amount of rehearsing was going to make this any easier.
Brooke makes her way down the path, seeing her best friend sitting in the spot she always came to when she needed some answers. Peyton's back was to her, and she was sitting crossed legged on the ground, her hands in her lap. Brooke couldn't help but have a twinge of pain wash over her as she approached Peyton.
"Hey," she whispers out, not wanting to startle the other girl but wanting to let Peyton know she was there. "Mind if I sit?"
"Of course not," Peyton says, not turning to Brooke's voice but instead keeping her eyes straight ahead. She doesn't sound angry or even sad. But the sound of her voice is hoarse, making it very clear she had been crying for a good amount of time before Brooke arrived.
Brooke's heart swells up and she takes a seat next to Peyton. Her eyes move to the stone in front of her.
"Hey Mama Sawyer," Brooke whispers, her fingers reaching out to touch the top of the stone before settling back down next to her friend. "She was such a wonderful person," Brooke says quietly, smiling at the memories of the two of them playing and laughing while Anna looked on from the kitchen. "She made the best brownies."
Peyton chuckles a little, remembering the same.
"She only made them when you were over."
"But I was always over," Brooke says, slightly confused.
Peyton laughs again and Brooke wants nothing more than to wrap her arms around Peyton and apologize for everything… make her stay. It's moments like this that remind her of the friendship she's so desperate to keep... the single reason she has never told Peyton the truth about her feelings.
"Why do you think I always wanted you around?" Peyton says, finally turning to look at Brooke.
"And here I thought it was because I was so much fun," Brooke says, smiling truly for the first time in what felt like a long time. She turns to look at Peyton and now that the humor of the moment has passed, she can see the seriousness on the blonde's face. "Peyt…"
"No… it's alright Brooke," Peyton says, interrupting Brooke and holding her hand out. Brooke sighs out, watching as Peyton turns back to the grave in front of her. But it doesn't take long before Brooke can't hold it in.
"It's not alright. Peyton, we need to talk about this."
"What's there to talk about? I mean... it's happened before... it happened again... so?" Peyton replies, not sounding bitter but actually a little sad. It confuses Brooke but Peyton still isn't looking at her so the brunette can't read her friend's face.
"I know... which is why... we need to talk..." Brooke mumbles, not able to get her full thoughts out of her mind mostly out of fear she would spill her biggest secret.
Peyton finally turns to her and that's when Brooke finally sees just how badly this has affected her. Tears are in her eyes, pooling at the corners and Brooke can tell that Peyton is barely hanging onto them.
"The last two years without you were miserable and all I wanted was to pick up the phone and call you… but…" Peyton starts, her strength giving out as the tears fall.
"I pulled away..." Brooke confesses, unable to keep eye contact with Peyton as she cries. As she looks down she can feel her own tears forming and she doesn't even bother to keep them hidden. She lets them drip out slowly... several all the way down her cheek to plop onto her bare hand. "After the first time... I pulled away."
"So did I," Peyton admits, causing Brooke to look up. "It wasn't just you Brooke… I was to blame too. I just didn't know what to say... and I still don't... but I can't lose you again."
"Me either."
Silence lingers between them for a few minutes. Both girls lost in their own thoughts… Brooke desperately trying to figure out if now was the right time… if any time was the right time. She had to admit, Peyton was still sitting here… talking to her about it. If she was really upset she would have just taken off in the typical Peyton Sawyer fashion. But she stayed. She was here and Peyton was just as scared to lose Brooke as Brooke was to lose Peyton.
"Last night… I… I don't know how that happened," Peyton says, startling Brooke with both the confession and the sound of her voice after the silence. "I mean… I knew. I knew what was happening and we had been drinking a lot and... I guess I just... I let the alcohol take over." She pauses for a second to suck in a breath. "I can't lose you Brooke... please... I really, really can't lose you," Peyton says again, this time turning her body so her head is now is Brooke's lap, tears falling freely from her face almost to the point of outright sobbing.
Brooke's arms wrap around Peyton tightly, afraid to let go, unable to soothe her. Brooke can remember so many times that they sat right where they were seated in this position… Brooke gently stroking Peyton's hair as she cried and cried. Brooke called upon the strength from those times as she pulled Peyton up softly to look at her.
"P. Sawyer… you will never lose me. You are my best friend… those two years without you were hell. I can't imagine my life without you again and I am not going to live another second of another day without you by my side. We came back here because we were both looking for something… and because we needed each other. So if you think I'm just going to walk away because of a crazy alcohol filled night… you better think again. It's going to take a lot more to get rid of me than that," Brooke says, feeling horrible as the words come out but happy when she sees the slight smile on her best friends face. To Brooke, the look Peyton has is one of relief.
"I don't want to get rid of you. God, Brooke… if only you knew how miserable my life is without you!" Peyton doesn't wait for a response before she pulls Brooke into a tight hug, squeezing her and resting her head on Brooke's shoulder. The hug ends and Brooke smiles. She feels Peyton slip her hand into her own, their fingers latching together.
Brooke looks down at them, seeing them entwined together in her lap. It amazes her how perfectly they fit… like they were meant for each other or belong together.
Peyton's laughter breaks her thought process and she looks up to see the blonde chuckling to herself.
"What's so funny?"
"It just amazes me that after all these years, and everything we've gone through… we would let something like this pull us apart... again. I mean… come on… we've gone through way worse!" Peyton says with a laugh as she moves with her free hand to dry her eyes.
"We have," Brooke says, her gaze turning back to the stone in front of her, memories of young Peyton crying in her lap for hours and hours the night her mom died and countless other days since when the pain came barreling back. They had been just kids... so young... so naive... and yet still the only two people capable of calming the other.
They really had been through the ringer together, and somehow had managed to make it through as close as ever. Even their distant two years hadn't pulled them apart or ruined their friendship. It was like it picked up right where it left off.
"Do you think anything could ever come between us now?" Brooke questions, surprising herself with the question.
Peyton furrows her brow for a moment before replying.
"I think we've been through too much... made it through too much already," Peyton admits, smiling a little half smile. "So no... not anymore... at least not on my end."
Brooke takes a deep breath at the reply, feeling slightly shaky and a little nervous as she goes back and forth in her mind quickly, debating over whether or not now is as good a time as ever to get the truth out there.
Peyton had just said nothing could change their friendship. Brooke could tell that Peyton meant it and even though Peyton had just admitted that what happened between them was just Peyton's way of consoling Brooke... that it wasn't an act of love that Peyton was hiding... she wasn't sure she could live so close to Peyton and not have her know the truth.
It wasn't even that it was hard to hide her feelings any more. It was that Peyton was Brooke's best friend. If there was anyone she was supposed to talk to about her feelings for someone, it was supposed to be Peyton.
Still… she wasn't sure that this was something that Peyton could handle, especially not today… not after what had happened last night between them. Brooke quickly made the decision to confess another day, after some time had passed and the night before was just a memory.
"You sure you're alright?" Peyton asks, noticing the way Brooke is staring off.
"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm good. As long as we're good," Brooke says.
"We're good... just promise me you won't pull away from me Brooke. I can't handle that... not again," Peyton says, and the fear is evident in her eyes. Brooke knows that it's going to take a lot of work, but she doesn't want to lose Peyton's friendship.
"I promise," Brooke replies and Peyton smiles warmly. Brooke smiles back… that same smile she's worn since the end of high school plastered on her face.
"That's it?" Haley asks, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of orange juice. "You mean to tell me you had a chance to tell her and you chickened out?"
"I didn't chicken out Hales," Brooke replies, sitting across the counter from her friend in the kitchen. She had brought Haley's car back after dropping Peyton off at home to get some much needed rest and had just finished telling Haley what had happened at the cemetery, minus the details of the night before. "I just made an executive decision that it wasn't a good idea to tell her right then."
"Brooke," Haley says, coming around the counter after having poured a glass of juice for herself and Brooke and sitting on the stool next to her. "Is there ever going to be a right time?"
"I want to say yes… but I don't know. I can't lose her Haley."
"So you've said. And you just also told me that Peyton told you there was nothing you could ever say or do that would come between your friendship again. Sounds like an open invitation to me!" Haley says, exasperated.
"I know," Brooke says taking a sip of her drink and then setting her glass down. She fiddles with it while she struggles to find the right words. "But there's so much more than just telling her! There's other people to consider..."
Haley gets a look of realization of her face when she figures out what Brooke means.
"Brooke Penelope Davis! Since when have you cared what anyone else thinks? Do you honestly think this will change the way your friends think of you?"
"I don't know," Brooke admits, glad she didn't have to say it and Haley just figured it out. She isn't proud of the fact that she's afraid of what her friends will think of her. But she's scared of their reaction and it's one of the reasons she's kept the secret to herself for as long as she has. "I mean, you took it alright but you are … you're you Hales! You are the most understanding person I know!"
Haley smiles at the compliment and then sighs.
"Look Brooke, I think you are underestimating your friends here. Sure, it might take some getting used to, but I mean… it makes sense in a way," Haley admits. That get's Brooke's attention.
"What do you mean? How does it make sense?"
"After I went home from dropping you two off after Tric, I was starting to think about high school and the way you had always been with each other… the way you looked at her. The jealously when she started dating Lucas. You weren't jealous because of him... you were jealous because of her. Even Rachel picked up on it, remember? She used to always make those snide Rachel-y comments about you two. I kind of feel dumb for missing it back then now that I know."
"You had a lot of your own stuff going on," Brooke says, knowing Haley well enough to know it was bothering her that she didn't pick up on it. Especially if she thought Rachel had. Haley had never liked Rachel... and the thought of Rachel knowing something about Haley's friend first... well, Brooke knew that wasn't something Haley liked.
"True, but you are my best friend Brooke… and so is Peyton. I should have seen it."
"You saw it now… and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you are here for me like this… it was getting tough to hold it all in you know?"
Haley shrugs again and then goes back to the subject at hand.
"None of that really matters… what matters is that everyone will be fine with it! They love you Brooke, and they love Peyton."
"Even Lucas?"
Haley hadn't even stopped to think about what Lucas would think when he found out. To be honest, he was the furthest thing on her mind. What would her male best friend and brother in law think about the girl he once loved falling in love with the girl he once called the love of his life?
"Lucas has Lindsay," she settles on, hoping in her heart of hearts that was true. She knew that Peyton was telling the truth the night she told her she hadn't returned to Tree Hill for Lucas, but she wasn't so sure about Lucas himself. It had taken him a long time to get over Peyton... and Haley had always held a slight doubt when Lucas had finally said he was over her.
"Having a girlfriend has never stopped him before… at least not when it comes to Peyton," Brooke says a flash of memories of the high school love triangle that included herself, her best friend and secret crush and Lucas Scott.
Haley waves Brooke off, not wanting to go there, a slight flash of memories waving through her own head. She doesn't want to remember those harder times for her two friends.
"It's different now. You need to tell her… and you need to tell your friends before this secret kills you," Haley urges, her hand finding Brooke's to hold.
"Tell us what?" Nathan asks, stepping into the kitchen.
