Sorry for the long absence. I moved house late last year, so things were pretty crazy and I didn't have the time to write that I had hoped I would. I'm trying to get back into things now. For those of you waiting for a Safe Haven update, I'm hoping that won't be too long.
"Are you excited about moving day?"
Beca sighed, dropping her ipod down next to her and cuddling into her husband. "I know why you are." She didn't attempt to shrug, and Jesse knew it was because her body would not cooperate with that particular move. "But I'm only being moved out of the ICU and..." She paused, and he pressed a kiss to her crown as an act of encouragement. "I just want to go home."
He gave a weak smile, kissing her again, but staying silent. If he was honest, he wasn't looking forward to Beca being out of the ICU as much as he had thought he would be. He knew it was coming, she was stable, she'd been responding to physiotherapy, her scans had all remained clear, it had been a matter of time. Knowing it was coming hadn't stopped that uncontrollable sense of dread that had overcome him when they had been told, though. She was safe in the ICU. Safer than she had been outside of it, and he knew that once she was out of it it would become so much harder to keep his parents away from her. That Stacie would run out of excuses for their friends as to why coming to see her wasn't such a great idea.
He hadn't told her. And he didn't want anyone else doing that for him.
He was putting it off and he knew it. At first he had decided to wait until the doctor had checked her over, until he had more information. Then it was wait until he was sure she was completely stable and the shock and hurt wouldn't be detrimental to her health. Then he'd decided to wait until she wasn't so tired. He'd even decided he should wait until her father was there, but wasn't really sure of his reasoning for that. Then he'd settled on it: He'd tell her when she was strong enough to be moved.
"It's a good thing." He eventually muttered, unsure whether or not it was more for himself than for her. "One step closer to home."
"I know." She sighed, raising her one good hand to twirl her hair around her finger. "But it's new nurses and different doctors and more public."
"But the same me." He smiled, kissing her yet again. "It'll be fine."
She gave a reluctant nod, falling silent for a brief moment before changing the subject. "Did we really do nothing for Halloween? Or did you do something weird that you're glad I don't remember? Did you buy us stupid couples costumes again?"
He'd been sticking to the truth when she asked. They had done nothing for Halloween, they just hadn't been together doing nothing. The summer had been hot and she'd visited her dad. She'd been spending time with Stacie. His parents had called quite a bit. It was all true if he avoided going into detail. She had started to notice that he wasn't.
"We just weren't feeling it this year."
"That's not like you." She sounded sceptical, and he couldn't blame her. He would be too. "Are you okay? Is there something I should know?"
She was gazing up at him, so he shot her a reassuring smile. "I'm fine. Things were just stressful. Life got busy."
He could see the doubt in her eyes, but she didn't push him on the subject. She would eventually, he knew her well enough to know that. He just had to figure out how to tell her before that happened. As much as that wasn't going to be an easy task, and he would much prefer her never being reminded of those months they'd spent apart, he knew it was better that she was told, at least that way if she recovered any of her missing memories she'd be more prepared for it.
He'd spoken to the doctors at length. Spent the time she was asleep researching. There was no way of knowing if she'd ever remember, and it would be best to avoid upsetting her while she was so unwell. The advice had been sparse, as far as he was concerned. Not only did he not know how or when to tell her, he also had no idea how much he should tell her, he didn't want to overwhelm her with information.
"Can you get me some water?"
He carefully shifted upon hearing her request, careful not to jostle her too much. She was still in a lot of pain, and as much as he loved holding her, he also kind of hated her insistence that he sit on the bed with her and not in the chair by her side. He understood that she wanted to be close, though. He wanted that too. "Sure."
He stepped out of the room, barely acknowledging anyone he passed on his way down the hall. He broke the rules with her water, he knew that, he was meant to half fill the jug that was by her bedside and bring her a cup, encouraging her to pour it herself, but despite the physiotherapist's request, he couldn't bear to see her in that much pain. With one arm broken and the other bruised, it was a difficult task for her.
It wasn't until he was on his way back that he realised that he recognised the woman standing at the nurses station, a solemn, resigned look on her face as she conversed with the nurse currently there. It was the same woman he'd met in the family room that day, the one whose husband was also in the ICU. He paused for a moment, taking in her appearance and assuming that whatever it was that had happened to her husband, it wasn't good. The sight made him grateful. Beca was okay. Others hadn't been that lucky.
She turned unexpectedly just as he began to move again, unable to even force a weak smile as she approached. "How's your wife doing?"
"Great. She's um, she's doing well." He felt guilty just uttering the words, and was hesitant to ask the question that he knew societal norms demanded that he ask. "Your husband?"
She looked down, silent for a moment, and a small selfish part of him was hoping she'd hurry up and answer so that he could get back to Beca. When she looked up again there were tears in her eyes. "They want to take him off of life support."
"I'm sorry." He was genuine, but he also couldn't deny the relief he felt that he was not in her position. He fell silent, knowing that she was probably aware he felt that way, it was human nature, after all, and knowing that there wasn't much else he could say anyway.
"I just keep hoping that something will change..." Her voice was small, and he still didn't quite know how to respond. "I wish there was something I could do."
He glanced anxiously into Beca's room, seeing her watching them curiously. His eyes didn't leave hers as he responded to the woman in front of him. "Being powerless, it hurts."
"Loss hurts."
"I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost her for good." His eyes were still on Beca, but they widened when he realised he had briefly allowed himself to forget who he was talking to. He turned back to her quickly. "I'm sorry, I..."
"It's okay." She let out a sigh. "She's lucky to have you."
"I'm lucky to have her." He looked down at the cup in his hand, nodding towards it in explanation. "I should get this to her."
She nodded and he stepped past, quickly making his way back to Beca's side and placing the cup on the table beside her. "Your water."
"Thanks." She gave him a soft smile. "Who's that?"
He shrugged, glancing back into the hallway to see that they were being observed. "Some woman I met when you were first admitted. Her husband is here, too."
"Is he okay?"
"You know," He frowned, wanting to continue putting off updating her on the extent of what happened. "I don't know, she didn't say."
"Why wouldn't she say?"
"She just asked about you." He explained, taking the opportunity to sit. "She was around when I called your dad to let him know what had happened. It wasn't a long conversation, I wanted to get back to you. She just stopped me to ask about you."
Beca frowned. "You didn't ask how her husband is?"
"I did." He confirmed. "They think he's ready to come off the machines, that's pretty much all she said." It wasn't technically a lie, it was just misleading wording. The truth would hurt her, and right now he wasn't willing to allow that. "If I see her again I'll ask again."
- Shattered -
They sat in silence. Beca was used to silence, but this was so awkward, so uncomfortable, that she couldn't help but think that she'd done something wrong. She couldn't recall ever being looked at in this way before, the pity being confused by the obvious anger. Anger she couldn't explain. She bit her lip, deciding to break the awkward silence.
"So, um..." She glanced over at her mother-in-law. "Your birthday's coming up, right? Any plans?"
She was met with a steely look. "My birthday was in August."
"Oh." Beca let out a sigh. "Of course, I keep forgetting it's November."
"Convenie..."
"Mom." Jesse's warning caught both of their attention, and Beca watched him curiously as he scolded his mother with his expression. "Drop it."
"What am I missing?"
"Nothing." He sounded reassuring, but she could tell by the way he was fidgeting with his hands, the way his smile wasn't as big as it usually would be, that he was lying. "Everything's fine, right mom?"
Beca turned back to the older woman just in time to see the stony expression that been being directed at her before it was replaced by an almost unreadable frown. "Yes."
"Did I do something to..."
"No." Jesse interrupted her question, and she turned to him once again. "It's me. She's upset with me for not looking after myself."
"That was kind of my fault..."
"Bec, you didn't plan this, it wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault."
She heard the scoff her mother-in-law let out, but remained focused on her husband. "If I hadn't been there..."
"You didn't know."
"What if I did?"
"What?"
"I might have known. I can't remember."
"Bec, it was a gas leak." Jesse reminded her. "There's no reason that you would have known."
"I guess." She frowned. "Wouldn't there have been a smell though?"
"Not always." He shrugged. "Besides, you weren't really likely to notice, you were upset."
"I was upset?" She repeated. "Why was I upset?"
Jesse hesitated. Emotion. Another thing he'd avoided mentioning when she asked questions. It was easier to stick to the facts of what happened. Facts, no detail, no emotion. The more he gave away, the more she'd ask. "We'd had a fight. It was nothing huge, but I got angry and left, you were upset."
"You never get angry." She stated, her eyes narrowed. "And I would have to have done something really bad for you to leave me there."
He sighed. Typical, of course she'd find a way to blame herself. "You..."
He was cut off by his mother. "Maybe you should think about that."
"No." Jesse's response was instant. "She shouldn't, because she didn't do anything." He cut off, staring his mother down. "Didn't you have that thing this afternoon?"
His father stood up, shooting him a sympathetic smile. "Yes, yes we do." He glanced at his watch for effect. "And we actually should get going. Wouldn't want to be late."
Beca watched as her mother-in-law was ushered out of the room, her eyes fixed on the retreating couple until they were out of sight. "Jesse, what's going on?"
He smiled. "Nothing, everything's fine."
"Your mom hates me." She pointed out, shooting him a look of disbelief. "She didn't hate me before. What did I do?"
"You didn't do anything." He reassured her. He figured he could reason that lie away, if she didn't remember it, then did she really do it? It was a part of herself that she didn't remember, after all. "She's just still getting over the shock, I guess."
"I guess..." Beca trailed off, watching his obvious discomfort. She let out a sigh. "Jess? Did the girls say what time they'd be here?"
"Just afternoon." He gave a weak smile, his hands falling still. "I'm sure they'll be here soon, and I'm sure I can find something to do to pass the time."
She bit her lip, remaining focused on him. "Can you stay?"
He seemed confused. "I thought you'd want to spend some time with them?"
"I do, it's just..." She cut off, trying to find the right way to express it. She didn't want to make it sound like she didn't want to see her friends, she did, it was just a daunting thought. "They can be a lot sometimes."
He nodded. "Sure. Sure I can stay."
He let out a sigh, feeling somewhat relieved. He knew Stacie had explained the situation to their friends, and he knew they had all agreed to keep quiet until he had figured out how to fill Beca in on the months she was missing, but he would much rather be there just in case something was accidentally let slip. The idea of her hurting and him not being there to comfort her was too much right now. He'd convinced himself to leave for her sake, knowing she needed time with her friends, but it was never something he'd wanted to do.
"Why'd the all decide to come together? Seems like it would be easier for them to each come when they can."
"Limited visiting hours, I guess." Jesse shrugged. "You know how it is. Only immediate family outside of visiting hours."
"Does that mean your mom can't hang around?"
Jesse let out a laugh. "Yes, yes that's exactly what it means." He placed his hand over hers, brushing his thumb over her palm. "I'm sorry she's being so off. I wish I could tell you that she means well, but..."
"I know I must have done something, Jess." Beca admitted, connecting their fingers and halting his movement. "It was bad, wasn't it? That's why she hates me."
"She doesn't hate you. She's just..." He paused, contemplating his wording. "She's just worried about how everything is affecting me, how everything is going to affect me. She thinks I'm sacrificing my career to be here taking care of you, and that it's damaging my future."
"But..." Beca cut off, a frown taking over her features. "Jess, you haven't lost your job because you're here, right?"
"No." He reassured her. "They understand, sometimes I work while you're asleep and send stuff in. They're being really supportive." He smiled. "I guess it helps that they like you." He pressed a kiss to her forehead on seeing her scepticism. "Everything's fine."
"So she's freaking out over nothing?"
"She's freaking out over nothing." Jesse agreed. "And you really need to stop worrying about it. We need to focus on getting you home."
"Is tomorrow good for you?" She suggested, watching as he rolled his eyes. "What? You brought it up."
"You know the doctors aren't going to go for that."
"I'll discharge myself."
"No you won't."
"I hate being here." Her evident pout made him laugh. "They don't let me do anything. All I get to do is sit here. The highlight of my day is when they come and take my blood. Well, on the days I don't get to go and have more brain scans."
"I'm not sure whether or not I should be offended by that."
"Sorry, Jess, but you're part of the problem." Beca reasoned. "You won't let me do anything either."
"Are you not hurt enough?"
"It wouldn't kill me to do a little work, Jess."
"Your focus needs to be recovering." He reminded her. "Health first, then..."
"BECA!" They both flinched at the squeal, but recognising the voice, Jesse turned towards the door, taking a small step back. "It has been months!"
"Months?" Beca queried, glancing up at her husband before turning back to her friends. "It hasn't been months?"
"It's been a little over a week, Chlo, don't be so dramatic." Stacie commented, walking in behind her. Beca didn't miss the pointed look she gave the redhead. "How are you feeling today?"
"Better, actually." Beca gave a weak smile. "Yesterday I felt like I had been hit by a bus, today I only feel like I was hit by a very large car."
"They didn't do anything about you looking like you were hit by a bus, though?"
Beca rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Amy."
"I'm a very honest person." Amy stated. "As well as being very humble, of course."
"Of course."
Jesse shook his head, a laugh escaping. "I don't think there has ever been anyone as humble as you."
Amy's eyes narrowed. "That's what I said." She glanced back to Beca. "You really must have trouble with getting him to listen."
-Shattered-
It was an ache. That was the best way he could think to describe it. An ache that had started when she'd woken up. A dull pain that sharpened every time he looked at her, every time he remembered. He had tried to convince himself it was overwhelming relief blurred with the crippling anxiety, but it had only worsened with time, despite the improvements in her condition.
As he'd watched her happily interacting with her friends, blissfully unaware of the rift she had caused within the wider group, he'd only become more aware of it, of the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. The feeling of their life being so unsettled. Usually he'd talk to her, address the situation. This time was different, he was powerless.
When she'd first regained consciousness he'd assumed that they'd talk about the elephant in the room within days. It was a nerve-wrecking feeling, knowing that an impending conversation, however necessary, would hurt them both, but he knew they couldn't really move forward without having it. Her missing memories had changed that. He needed that conversation, no matter how much he feared it, he needed to address the situation before it escalated again, he needed to know what had gone so wrong that she'd ran, but she was in no position to provide him with those answers. Even if he did tell her what had happened during those long months, she couldn't tell him how she had been feeling on that day. She didn't even remember that day.
He couldn't forget, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew deep down he was terrified, that a part of him was convinced that if her mind was still in June, those problems she had been struggling with before she left would soon re-emerge, that one day, just like that day all those months before, she'd take off again, only this time she may not come back.
"What are you thinking about?"
She'd been asking the question a lot. She could always tell when something was on his mind. He was pretty sure that she also could tell that he wasn't exactly enthusiastic about letting her know what that was, this time. "Nothing."
"Dude, come on!" She never had been one to hide her disbelief. "Something is clearly wrong. You've been quiet all evening, and this isn't the first time in the past few days that you've had one of these quiet moments."
He sighed. "You love me, right?"
Her eyes immediately softened, a questioning glint catching his attention. "Why would you ask that? Of course I love you."
He nodded. "And we're okay?"
"I thought we were." She hesitated. "Is there any reason that we wouldn't be?"
He paused for a second, glancing down at his hands before looking up at her, her eyes searching his own. "No, no reason." He forced a smile. "So, how are you feeling?"
She frowned. "Annoyed. Why are you changing the subject? You didn't answer my question. What were you thinking about just then?"
He leaned forward, kissing her forehead, a gesture that led to an unimpressed scowl. She wasn't going to let him out of this one. "I just can't let it go." He tried, deciding that the best option he had was to give her an answer that would make sense, but was a safe topic in comparison to the real issue. "I don't ever want to come that close to losing you again."
"Jess..."
"I can't stop thinking about it." He shrugged. "I keep thinking, you know. What if I hadn't left you? What if we hadn't been fighting? What if..."
"You never did tell me what we were fighting about."
"Stupid stuff." He went quiet again, and he could tell by the look on her face that she knew that wasn't the truth. "Nothing big. Nothing that can't wait."
She didn't immediately protest, but he knew her silence wasn't confirmation that she wouldn't. Her gaze was almost piercing, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. Mere days ago he hadn't known whether or not he'd even see her eyes again. He wouldn't give it up for anything. She opened her mouth to speak, and he braced himself to tell her what he really wasn't ready to tell her, knowing that with his behaviour giving him away he couldn't keep it from her for long anyway. "What's..."
"Hey kiddo!" They both turned, Jesse somewhat relieved at the sight of his father-in-law. "How you doing?"
