Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or "Face Down".
Note: Chapter 8 already? Woot, woot! Your reviews are just SO positive and SO great. Thanks, readers! I have plenty more of this one for you! [[Side note: Although Kurt went to Dalton, and he did meet Blaine, they never became more than friends. End of story. Sorry.]]
"I think it's high time we had a group number up in here," Mr. Schuester said.
"You read my mind," Puck said. "The boys and I—well, me, Finn, Artie, and Sam—have something for you guys. A real treat."
"Great," Mr. Schue said enthusiastically. "Let's hear it."
Finn took his place at the drums. Puck took the bass guitar, and Artie the electric. Sam, not knowing how to play the keyboard, didn't grab an instrument, much to the ladies' disappointment.
"This one goes out to all the ladies who are, you know, abused," Puck said in a somewhat heartfelt dedication. "One, two, three…"
Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still, I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.Kurt shivered. He didn't like the way the boys were looking at him, especially Puck, as he sang "I see what's going down". He hoped that no one had found that picture he'd burned yesterday, the sole evidence of his mania. He didn't know what in the world he would do if anyone—especially an adult—found it. But wait, he told himself, there's no way they could tell who that picture was of. It was so far ruined, so utterly charred and destroyed, just like myself. It's been burned to ashes, has gone up in flames. Like me.
Cover up with makeup in the mirror
Tell yourself, "it's never gonna happen again"
You cry alone, and then he swears he loves you.Kurt sighed. At least this one wasn't a child abuse song, like the previous three had been. At least this one was different. He could still relate to it, though. He had covered himself up with makeup after the man who belonged to That Voice hit him and shoved him around. He'd cried alone in his room, late at night, when he was sure no one could hear him. Because if they could hear him, they'd care. And he didn't want them to care. Sam took over the vocals for the chorus at that moment.
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found.Kurt cocked his head curiously. Hmmm, he thought, this song was interesting. It was almost as if the singer were defending the girl, and trashing the abuser. It was almost as if someone actually cared, and that the bad guy, for once, would not win, as he had in the child abuse songs. Childhood was about fairytales, Kurt had decided. And in fairytales, the good guy always won. But life was not all about fairytales, something people generally learned when they were much older. Kurt had learned this at an early age.
A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
Every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down.Oh, Finn, stop looking at me at that line, Kurt thought to himself. You most certainly do not see what's "going down". I really was meditating yesterday…well, until you left, that is. Finn, Kurt thought, you'll never understand. You'll never understand what the flames can do to a person, what a great loss can do to a boy. Then again, Finn never really knew his father. At least, Kurt couldn't help to think, I got to spend eight years with my mom.
I see the way you go and say you're right again,
Say you're right again
Heed my lecture.Kurt looked over at Mr. Schue, who was smiling to himself. Why must you always be so damn optimistic? Kurt sometimes hated the choir teacher for his constant happy-go-lucky attitude. Don't you ever hurt? Kurt shook his head, hating that he was hating on the one adult in the school who might actually give a damn about him. What if he really needed Mr. Schuester someday?
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found.Will this world ever end? Kurt couldn't help but to think that, with his luck, if the world ever were to end, he and That Person would be the last two to remain on Earth. And if that ever happened, That Person would never, ever leave Kurt alone. He'd always be there, tormenting him, haunting him, following his every move, counting his every breath and wishing that Kurt was his. But Kurt was never his, never wanted to be his.
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."Have I had enough? Yes, Kurt said, I have. But what more can I do about this? He wasn't face down in the dirt, necessarily, when That Person was attacking him. But he had said, many times, that it didn't hurt; mostly, to comfort himself, to ensure that he did not cry. For he knew, if he cried, it would only grow worse. So yes, Kurt had had enough, but what could he do about the attacks? He never knew when or where they'd come.
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt,' she said,
"I finally had enough"
One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming round again.Good God, Kurt thought, what was it about these abuse songs and repeating lyrics? Was it to drive the message home into your mind, into your subconscious? Was it to bring up the memories, the cold and hard memories? Was it to make sure you never, ever forgot exactly what had happened to you? Was it merely to torment you, to keep you up at night with the nightmares and the memories, the terrifying memories?
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found.Kurt's breathing quickened, and he looked for a way out. He knew he couldn't pull off that stunt that he had the other day, as Mr. Schuester was sure not to accept yet another lie. He knew he couldn't let the memories succumb to him again, to make him cry out in front of those he cared about. He looked left and right; surely, there was a way out of this!
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down,
A new life she has found.
Alas, there was no way out for Kurt Hummel. He was always going to be trapped. He was always gonna be trapped in this endless game with That Person. He was always gonna be trapped in the love/hate relationship with the flames. He closed his eyes. Oh, the flames, the things he loved for what they did to him, and hated them at the same time, also for the things they made him do, the lies they made him tell, the people they made him hurt.
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."
"I've finally had enough," Kurt whispered.
"What's that?" Mercedes asked, absent-mindedly.
"Just talking to myself," Kurt muttered. He applauded polietely with the rest of the group. Finally, they were dismissed, and Kurt headed out to his car. His phone vibrated with a text; he opened it to see.
Blaine: Hey, wanna meet at the coffee house?
Kurt: Sure, be there in a few.
He sighed and flipped his phone shut. Blaine Anderson, his friend at Dalton Academy. Blaine had sort of taken Kurt under his wing and showed him the ropes at Dalton. Kurt had enjoyed singing with him and the rest of the Warblers, and he had been sad to leave him as he transferred back to McKinley. He hadn't seen Blaine in a few weeks, so this text was a welcome surprise. He got in his car and drove off to their favorite haunt.
"Hey," Blaine said warmly as Kurt walked in the doors.
"Hi," Kurt said back, quietly.
"How have you been?" Blaine asked. "I haven't seen you in a while."
"I'm good," Kurt lied with a smile.
"How's McKinley? And New Directions?"
"They're good. We're uh, we're actually doing a domestic violence awareness project right now."
"Oh, really? Tough subject," Blaine commented.
"Yeah," Kurt said. "People have been getting kind of emotional. But I guess I'm to blame, 'cause it was my idea to do this."
Blaine looked at him in surprise. "You suggested a domestic violence awareness project?"
Kurt shrugged. "Yeah."
"Interesting," Blaine said. "Very interesting. You okay, Kurt? You're awfully quiet. For you, I mean."
"Yeah, just a little tired," Kurt lied once again. How many lies would he tell?
Hours later, Kurt was alone again, in the darkness and comfort of his bedroom. He lit a match, a familiar routine by now, and rolled up the bottom of his shirt, staring at his stomach. "God, I'm fat," he mumbled. He closed his eyes tightly, took a breath, and put the match to his stomach without a second thought, gasping at the sudden rush of pain. He'd never burned anything but his arms and hands before, so this was an entirely new sensation for him. He traced a senseless and random design on his pale, soft skin, wincing in pain at first, but then gradually growing to like it. "Fat, fat, fat," he moaned. "So fucking fat." When he was satisfied, he snuffed the flames out, admiring the new scars in the mirror. "Perfect," he said at last.
The lies the flames made him tell were the worst.
