A/N: Thanks for the reviews! They are like candy—except I don't really eat candy. Okay, they're like a fantastic Bordeaux or an ice cold bottle of Belhaven!

Leah loved the brothers MacManus although much differently.

Murphy had a side to him that she thought most people never imagined lay within him. He was zealous and gracious. He was gentle and soulful, spending hours in prayer and service of the sick. These lovely somewhat intangible qualities about him were probably the only qualities about him that made him dear to her. Much of the time, she wanted to smack him on the back of the head, as she had seen his brother do on many occasions. He could be the biggest whining brat, which oddly so many of her girlfriends found so attractive. And so arrogant, walking into a room as though he were the best looking male to ever grace the earth. And the stupid girls fell for that too, girls destined to be great scientists, attorneys, physicians, engineers and professors. The only time she found Murphy attractive was when he was talking to a terminally ill patient in his calm, lulling voice and holding the person's hand without a sign of revulsion. It was only then when he showed a glimpse of the man she hoped he would soon become, and instead of making her swoon, those moments filled her with relief. The majority of the time it was dreadfully hard to get close to Murphy through all the antics, tantrums, posturing and his uncanny ability to act like a ridiculous male peacock.

On the other hand, what did she not love about Connor? She could not even resent the fact that love had found her ten years ahead of schedule. Her insecurities faded when she was with him. She felt attuned to another entity in a way she never would have believed. And she yielded to it. Connor was excitement, brilliance, everything that made her laugh, everything that made her want to sigh and comfort all rolled into a physical being she sometimes could not believe existed outside of a myth. What did she not love about Connor? Now there was a point to ponder.

Murphy was standing outside the bathroom door in Connor's room when she walked out. Fortunately, not many people knew about the bathroom upstairs that separated the brothers' bedrooms in the house they had rented sophomore year with their friends James and Dustin. The party was loud. She had to go to the bathroom and she was starting to get a headache. The headache was probably from all the cigarette smoke. Connor and Murphy griped pretty much constantly about Dustin smoking and lots of his friends who smoked had come over. Connor had told her he would walk her home right after James got back from the store. He had asked if he could stay at her house that night. Dustin's friends were just complete idiots, and she knew that Connor was tired after a week of two exams and a huge project due. And then there were the girls coming out of the woodwork, including Diane the Man.

She had been a little shocked when he had been slightly grumpy with her when she teased him about "his harem" as he was trying to unstop the downstairs toilet that some girl had run out yelling to him was overflowing without bothering to cut the water off. Connor grumpy? That was a first.

Leah had spotted the cardboard tampon applicator spilling from the toilet and then the used tampon that followed and couldn't believe a girl had had the nerve to "make menstrual adjustments" in an all male household. Bloody fuckin' hell, is that what I think it is? Oh, yes, she snorted somewhere between hysterical laughter and complete revulsion. I've been trying to tell you, Connor, we're a completely vile lot. Hence, the origin of penis envy. Just give it a rest, Leah, he sighed, plunging the toilet, as she sat on the vanity and immediately stopped giggling. Sorry, he said a moment later, didn't mean to get snarky. It's okay, she started to say, when they heard a female voice in the hallway, shouting, where's Connor? Leah tried to suppress a laugh, as Connor mumbled, And just when I thought it couldn't get any fuckin' worse.

It was Diane from his fluid mechanics class that looked like a bloody bloke, he said, and always seemed to turn up everywhere. Bloody fuckin' hell, Connor hissed, fuckin' toilet overflowin' lookin' like a fuckin' homicide's been committed in it and bloody Diane the Man in my bloody fuckin' house!

Diane hated Leah and Murphy. Diane blamed Leah for making up the name Diane the Man. Truth be known, Connor had been the one to coin the moniker. She and Murphy had just laughed at it. Diane and anyone else for that matter would never believe sweet, angelic Connor MacManus capable of uttering much less thinking such petty thoughts.

I've seen a prettier jaw on a bulldog, Connor mumbled one night, after Diane had called him on the phone and asked him out. What's that, Connor, Leah chuckled, looking up from her bicycle. He was helping her change out one of her derailleurs when he had answered the phone call.

Diane had confronted her one day after her Plant Physiology class. She had seen something resembling a brick wall with long dark hair marching toward her and realized this must be the Diane of epic lore and proportion. So everyone says you're just friends with him. Excuse me, she asked, feeling very short and scrawny all of a sudden. With Connor MacManus. Everyone says you're just friends with him. Is that true? No, I'm actually screwing both the twins in a nightly ménage a trois, she wanted to say, but knew her mother would have a heart attack if she thought her daughter would speak that way, even if it was to this harpy. But what she replied, in her complete shock, realizing who this must be after Connor's vast descriptions, was probably worse.

You're--Diane the Man!?!

The look of shock on Diane the Man's face could not have been any greater than the look on her own, when she realized what she had just said. After all, that was all Connor called her and it did have a certain ring to it. Horrified, Leah turned and took off running as fast as she could back into the building and up the stairs, knowing Murphy would be in the lab where he was doing undergraduate research at that hour. Murphy had howled with laughter, so had the two grad students, the post doc and the prof himself, who agreed to let her hide out in the lab if she agreed to help Murphy extract some DNA. Of course, this was a minor task, since the prof was her advisor's husband and Leah spent a fair amount of time extracting plant DNA in his wife's lab as part of her own undergraduate research down the hall.

"Hey, Murph. You surprised me." She said, walking out of the bathroom into Connor's room and finding Murphy standing there.

"I saw you come upstairs." He said, not stepping out of her way.

"I came up to wait for Connor to walk me home." She said, slipping past him and moving toward Connor's desk. "And to hide from DTM."

DTM was the universal acronym for Diane the Man.

"I'll walk ya." He said, and without turning around, she could feel that he was directly behind her.

"That's okay—"

He put his hand on her waist and gently pulled her around to face him. "Leah."

"Murph, what is it? Are you okay?" she asked, looking into his eyes that looked different than she had ever seen them. They had a nervous, almost frantic look.

She felt him pick up one of her hands. He lifted it and began to examine it, smiling to himself. He fingered the palm before he looked back to her. And then it happened so quickly. It caught her off guard. When she would think back on it, when she would allow herself to think back on it, she had never expected it. Of course, Janey had gone on and on. Perhaps she should have known but she could never imagine anyone other than Connor.

All she could think was this was wrong. This was not what she had planned. And then she felt sick at her stomach that it had happened in the room that belonged to the one whose lips she had wanted to first touch hers. The only lips to touch hers.

In Connor's room. In his room. Where he slept. Where she often lay next to him, with no guilty secrets between them. Connor, oh, Connor, in your room. Not for the world, not for the world.

"Leah?"

She realized Murphy was speaking to her.

"Go away, Murph. Please."

Her lips belonged to Connor. They were waiting for him, for the time when or if it happened. Perhaps it never would, but Connor only, only Connor. Connor. The only one. Connor, the oxygen that filled her lungs. Connor, the voice that filled her ears. Connor, the one that encompassed her. Only Connor.

"You're crying. Leah, you're crying. Leah. Leah. What?" Murphy put his arms around her and she sensed his own hysteria.

"Please, Murph. Please, leave me alone."

"You're crying."

"Yes. Yes, I'm crying." She said, sniffing and trying to shake his arms off her. "Please let go. Please."

"I've wanted to kiss ya since I met ya, since ya put the aloe on my knee. I've been mad about ya. I didn't know how to tell ya. I saw ya come upstairs and I just made a mad dash."

"It doesn't matter. Just please get out of here before he comes up. Please, Murphy. Please. I am so ashamed."

She felt her face being lifted from the surface of Connor's desk. And she saw Murphy's eyes peering into hers. And those eyes were terrified. She did not want to feel any empathy for him in that moment, but she did. She felt it in a not so tiny corner of her heart. It was Murphy, after all.

"So it is truly him you want?"

"He's everything I want." She said with as much conviction as she had ever said anything despite tears.

"Ye feel nothing for me?"

She was furious with him, whiny baby that he was and yet her mentch, her favorite above all others in so many ways.

"Murphy, I could not love you any more as a brother. And I know somewhere in you that you know that without me telling you. You have all the answers in and around you but you run from them, absolutely refuse to see them. And damn you for taking this from me."

"Taking what? Taking what, Leah? What did I take?" He looked truly scared.

"My first kiss, Murphy." she screamed under her breath. "I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to be Connor. Only Connor. He is the only one I want to ever touch me. Can you even begin to understand what that feels like? To have found the person that you trust implicitly? I may be just be twenty years old with my whole life ahead of me, full of ignorance about virtually everything, but I do know one thing. Connor is the fulfillment of every need and wish I have. I just hope I can be that for him."

Reaching instantly for the rosary he always wore underneath his shirt, Murphy stared at the floor. "Leah, I am so sorry for what I did. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. Jesus, I hope ya don't hate me."

She swallowed and felt sad. She hated this conversation but the reality was that it was occurring and like Winston Churchill said, she thought, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

"Murphy, I could never hate you. If you open your eyes a little, you might realize how much you mean to me—as a friend and a brother."

He buried his face in his hands for a moment then looked back up at her with eyes full of shame but obviously wanted to trust. "Thank you. And I'm sorry. Wish I'd never touched ya now as much as I'd been wantin' ta. I should have known. Christ, I guess I did know. Leah, I—listen, it may not mean a thing to ya, but I do love ya. But, now ya listen to me. Ye'll have him. He loves ya, more than his own life. Ye'll have yer Connor. But just remember he's as scared as ye are. Scared to screw up, scared ye'll reject him, scared he's not perfect enough for ya. Oh, ye'll have yer Connor. And he's a better man than I could ever be." Murphy met her eyes when he spoke. "And for what it's worth, I'd never hurt ya for the world."

"I know, Murph." She said weakly.

"I really fucked up, didn't I?"

"It'll be okay, Murph. Just don't do it again. Give me a hug then go downstairs."

"Connor?"

"Aye?" he said as they walked back to the apartment she shared with Janey a block away. He wished he and Murph had rented the house with her and Janey instead of Dustin and James.

"Can I tell you something?"

"You can tell me anything. Ya know that."

"I don't want to talk about it, but--"

"But people who pick up used tampons off floors together stay together." Connor finished her sentence lightly but had a bad feeling about this. He thought he might get a laugh out of her by mentioning the incident.

They had divided the task. Covering their hands with plastic bags on the count of three, they accomplished the ungodly job, he grabbing the applicator and she the tampon itself and hurling the foul objects into a garbage bag in the bathtub, which then had to be taken to the dumpster, so Connor could dump the mop bucket of ammonia into the tub while balancing on the side of the tub. Who gives a fuck if all these fuckers keel over from the fumes, he grumbled. There was no fucking way he was stepping on that fucking floor until it was clean again. Bathroom is out of order, he hollered, when someone knocked, shaking the mop at the door menacingly, making Leah laugh. I have to pee. Sounds like a fuckin' personal problem, he yelled back, making Leah laugh so hard she nearly fell off the sink. I'll fuckin' kill Murph if he unlocks our rooms and lets them go in our bathroom, he told her, as the somewhat diluted red-tinted liquid went down the tub drain. Fuckin' Dustin deserves that fuckin' tampon on his fuckin' pillow. Connor, I believe you might be a bit of a misogynist. Gettin' there, he chuckled, real fuckin' fast. Dustin can clean the fuckin' tub himself.

"Connor, I have to tell you this but I really hope you won't get angry."

"Did someone hurt you?" he felt his blood rising.

"No, Connor. No one hurt me." She said quickly. "It's okay."

"Bloody well better not have."

"Connor, what does Murph say about me?"

"What?!? What the fuck did he do?"

"Calm down. I just want to talk to you about something."

"Leah, ye told me not ta get angry and then ya—okay, sorry, luv. Talk ta me. 'M sorry, 'kay."

"Okay. Well, when I went upstairs and came out of the bathroom, Murph was there and out of the blue, he just—well, he kissed me. And I don't feel that way about him. But I never would have seen it coming. Connor, would you tell me something?"

"What?" He asked, wondering where this was going and what he was going to have to answer and how he was going to not make as big an ass of himself as Murphy had. He could hear the hurt in her voice.

"Do I behave in a way around Murphy that would make him think that I—I want that kind of attention from him?"

He wanted to kill his brother at that moment, hearing her so unsure of herself. He wanted to kill that scumbag that had touched her when she was fourteen. Godammit, Murph, did you just have to invade her personal space with a fucking unsolicited kiss, probably the worst thing to do to her? Godammit! Maybe he should have told Murph about what had happened to Leah, but that was for Leah to tell, but he felt responsible anyway and chilled with sadness, when he looked into her eyes searching his desperately for an answer.

"Never, Leah. You're always respectable—except after black beans, and those farts aren't just respectable, they're downright admirable. There should be some kind of trophy for those."

He saw the situation was too far gone for a laugh. Godammit, Murph. And the truth is I want to kiss her too, Connor thought. But not quickly, not at a fucking college party, not until she's ready, not until she's ready.

"Leah, I can honestly say I've never met a more respectable or decent human being than you." He told her. "And what I'm getting ready to say is not intended to embarrass ya or make ya feel uncomfortable. But yer beautiful. And god help him, my brother tends to turn into an ass with the opposite sex if they're even just slightly more attractive than Diane the Man, much less…beautiful like ye are."

Silence fell between then for a moment, as they stared at each other. He couldn't believe he had said it but was glad he had. It was the truth. She suddenly broke the silence frowning, then swallowed hard before she spoke.

"It happened in your room, Connor. In your room. I feel as though I've violated your sanctuary." She said, starting to cry. "Connor, I would never betray your trust. Never. Please don't be angry with me."

"Dear god, I could never be angry with ya. I know ya would never betray me trust, Leah. Jesus, was that what ya were afraid of? You've nothing to worry about. Please don't cry. It's alright, Leah." Connor said quickly, so blinded with rage for his brother that he was having difficulty responding to her. "It's alright. Everything is alright. Can I hug ya, Leah?"

"Please."

He pulled her to him on the sidewalk and thought of the walk they had taken the past summer in the early morning along the Irish Sea during her visit. She had turned to him after a long look at the water, a deep breath and thoughtful intake of their surroundings and said, I think this could be my sanctuary too.

"But it's your room. It's yours."

"That room is just a place where I sleep and where my things are, Leah. It's nothing. Now, listen ta Connor, take a deep breath. It's not worth crying over."

"It's just—that's just not what I wanted to happen."

He let out a deep breath of his own. "Leah, what should I do? What do you want me to do? How can I fix this? How can I make this okay?"

"Just don't hold it against me."

He took her chin in his fingers gently and looked in her eyes. "Never."

"Promise?"

"I promise." He said, his eyes never veering from hers. "Of course, I may kill me brother for being so careless and disrespectful of ya."

"No, no, Connor. Murphy's your brother. He loves you more than anything in the world."

"Ha!"

"Connor. Please, Connor, don't let this become a problem between the two of you. He's just trying to find his way. And we all stumble."

Connor nodded his assent to her wishes. It would be difficult to honor that promise, but god help him, he would do it.

"Thanks, Connor." She said, when they reached her door. She had turned and smiled at him. Then she jumped up and gave him an unexpected, sudden embrace that he returned. He spun her around and she laughed. Into his ear, she said, "Thanks for saying I'm attractive."

"Beautiful." He corrected her and he knew he was blushing but he didn't care at that moment, because he meant it and she needed to hear it. She needed to hear it from someone who cared and who respected her and loved her and would never hurt her. Maybe progress was being made too, that she was feeling better about herself. "I said ya were beautiful, Leah. There's a big difference. Keep that in mind."

"Well, thank you." He saw that her cheeks were bright red as she opened the door.

Leah's apartment was quiet. Janey was out with friends. The place was clean, and he was ready for a shower after the horror movie bathroom. When he returned to the small living room in clean clothes he had brought in his backpack, he smelled immediately what Leah was up to. There was nothing that went better with beer than German fried potatoes. He knew there was Belhaven in her fridge because he had put it there. It was a joke between them, that no Irish beer would inhabit her refrigerator. And damn the Scots for that bloody fantastic ale. And damn Murphy. When Leah wanted to eat greasy food, it meant stress. He hoped he had not added to it. But she had looked into his face earnestly and had been smiling. And she was beautiful.

He was never going to live with all guys again. There was never any food in the pantry. At Leah and Janey's, there was always milk in the fridge and it was not sour. They always had fruit, cereal of different sorts, spices, ingredients to make meals, and things like bacon well within the expiration date. They had grits and cheese, which Leah would always make for him. The furniture didn't have rips or broken legs in it from assing around or cigarette burns from Dustin's new filthy habit. The glasses in the cabinets matched. There were clean glasses in the cabinets, not just plastic cups from various Stop n' Rob markets. And the place didn't stink like gym socks and what Leah called "Boy Smell."

He had always been neurotically neat, unable to complete his assignments or study unless his books and papers were at exact ninety degree angles to one another on his desk. He hated blue ink, would only use black, and when he used a pencil, he had to use the same kind of pink pearl eraser he had used since he was in elementary school. He had an X-acto knife which he used to keep the edges of the eraser congruent to one another. Paper was another matter altogether. He would only use quadrille paper and printed his notes in all capital letters.

Murphy had none of these proclivities and found it absolutely hilarious to move the items on Connor's desk. He had even caught Leah in the act of carving a hunk out of one side of his eraser with a delighted, mischievous grin on her face.

He guessed he was a hopeless "enginerd" like many of his classmates.

"Want to go to the beach tomorrow, Connor?" she asked him, as they ate potatoes and he drank a bottle of Belhaven, which he never would have drunk in the presence of another Irishman but this was a safe haven, where he could enjoy his vice.

"That would be fantastic. You're not just fantasizing, are ya?"

"I wouldn't do that to you about the beach, silly. No, we'll set the alarm for six, go water the greenhouse and we can be at Emerald Isle by nine."

He chuckled. A North Carolina beach called Emerald Isle. It was quite nice there. Lots of interesting marine life, clean sand, a healthy coastal ecology. February would be cold and they would have the beach to themselves, just like he liked it.

And tomorrow was Valentine's Day anyway and being around campus was so fucking depressing with all the happy couples, going two by two. The beach with Leah was a dream come true.

"Do you have a lot of homework this weekend?" she asked.

"For once, no."

"Up for camping then?"

"Aye, you know it. This really is a dream, isn't it?"

"We'll take the dutch oven for grits Sunday morning."

"Must be dead and gone ta heaven."

"I didn't say anything about cheese. Likely purgatory."