Chapter eight: Finally, you morons!
Author's note: contrary to what most fanfics would have you believe, unless one of them is a seasoned martial artist (I'm a Karate black belt, so I know), fights are not usually uneven to the point where one kicks the other's ass with little trouble. This is not the first time people have Stan and Cartman fighting on a fic, but I'll not have one of them just walking over the other as easily as breathing. Let's keep this believable, guys
Both Cartman and Stan been in fights before. None of them was really weak. Despite still being fat, Cartman managed to get himself into the Cow's football team and was doing great as a defense player. Stan was the star quarterback of the same team, so needless to say the fight between them was pretty ugly. Cartman was stronger, but Stan was faster. They were both throwing punches and kicks like they were worst enemies.
Wendy, Kyle and Butters thought about splitting the two of them before someone got really hurt, but none of them really had the upper body strength to hold Cartman. At one point they asked Douchebag for help
"Let them sort this out, we'll take them to the hospital if they overdo it" was his answer
"But they are nearly murdering each other, asshole!" Wendy screamed to his face, shaking him
"Let them get this over with. That was going to happen sooner or later" Douchebag said calmly
'He has a point' Wendy thought 'let's just get this over with and go home'
Back to the fight, they were starting to get tired. Cartman had a black eye and a swollen lip. His arms would be all purple in the morning, but he could handle it. Stan also had a black eye and his nose was bleeding. At one point, Cartman kicked his left leg and it was starting to be hard to stand up.
"Ok, asshole. I'm gonna ask this just once" Stan said to Cartman as he tried his best to keep himself standing. Damn Cartman for fighting dirty "Since when have you been sleeping with my girl?!" His voice was rough. He wiped his mouth from the blood that came from his nose
"First of all, not 'your girl' anymore" Cartman said between breaths. He wasn't as beat up, but he was more exhausted. "second, we've been hooking up since the Mad Max thing last semester. And sex was just two months ago"
Stan certainly didn't expect Cartman to be so upfront and honest about it
"Why…" he spat some blood "Why the fuck are you being so honest about this shit just now?"
"Because is pointless to try and hide it. We already kicked each other's asses, didn't we?" Cartman said. He just sat down in the snow, too tired to try looking tough anymore "How did you figure it out?"
"She called you Eric… When she asked for a ride… The only people that do that are your mom, your sister and Butters. Then I started remembering all that shit over the years..." Stan said as he sat down as well
"Took you long enough. According to the Jewfag, everyone in town had it figured it out. Hehehe…" he laughed ironically and turned to Wendy "Hey sweetie, at least we were fooling someone!"
She started laughing too. It was just too much. She was tired of hiding it "Well, at least him. And to think us, the best manipulators in South Park would suck so bad at hiding an affair" She said humorously
"Tell you what…" Cartman said, finally catching his breath "Let's all go home and figure this mess out tomorrow"
"You really think we can fight and it's all okay? It just doesn't work that way asshole!" Stan screamed at him
"Let's face it: I messed up, Wendy messed up and you messed up. There is no point standing here and pointing fingers. I'm tired, you're probably still drunk, we're both beat up…" Cartman said, breathing again
"You're right" Stan sighed in defeat "But that doesn't mean I'm okay with it"
Wendy was really struggling with herself not to make things worse by tossing the fact that Stan slept with Lola in the discussion.
"Kyle, take him home. Eric, I'll drive us to your place. You need some ice on that eye" Wendy said, choosing for the quicker way to go somewhere else
"What about me?" Douchebag said
"Fine, we'll give you a ride" Cartman said
"Good"
Kyle went back to Stan's side to hold him up and go home. His house was closer and Randy would probably put some booze in Stan's body, so it was best if Stan went there
"Come on, dude. Let's go to my place" Kyle said as Stan put his arm on Kyle's shoulder so he could walk
"Thanks dude" Stan said. Right now, he just wanted a bed and some cotton on his nose.
-Cartman's car-
As they were driving home, Cartman was trying to keep his left eye shut because it hurt like a bitch. The thing is, Stan has skinny guy hands, so the punches he throws are pure bone when they hit. Wendy was taking some pity in her boyfriend's state, but she figured some ice and sex before bed were gonna do the trick. If she was turned on by Cartman's evil face, one could only imagine what watching Cartman fight would do to her.
"Okay, Douchebag, we're at your place" She said as she pulled over
"Thanks guys" Douchebag said as he exited the car "And Eva, next time you and 'sweetie pie' Adolf wanna do something stupid… Leave me out of it"
"Ey! It was Stan who took you into this mess" Cartman barked
"We're gonna try" Wendy said pulling Cartman back
He just shut the door and went inside
They drove a bit more, dropped Butters off (he got grounded for being out late and being near a fight) and went to Cartman's house. Mrs. Cartman had a major freak out when she saw her Poopsikins with a black eye and a swollen lip. She went into overdrive getting the ice and some medications for her son
"Dear Lord, what happened to him?" She asked as she rubbed something for the pain on his eye
"You should see the other guy" Cartman said, trying to humor her. She slapped him lightly on the shoulder
"Don't try being a smart ass right now, mister. Seriously, what happened?" She asked turning to Wendy
"Well, Mr. Cartman..." and she proceeded to tell Mrs. Cartman what happened with Douchebag and Stan "And then, they both got too tired to fight and we decided it was best if everybody went home"
Mrs. Cartman looked at Wendy for a moment. She really liked Wendy. She was really surprised to see her son with such a nice girl… and being his mother, of course she noticed he had a crush on her ever since he was a kid. What she hated, however, was this whole ordeal with one of his best friends.
"Well, I must say it's about damn time!" Mrs. Cartman said, noticing Eric had fallen asleep "You three should have sorted this mess years ago! Dear God, do you have any idea what me, your parents and the Marshes have gone through?"
"Wait… You guys knew me and Eric…" She asked surprised. The fuck? Even her mother knew!
"We're not stupid Wendy. I've seen the crazy messes my little boy stirred up to get your attention" She walked to the counter and took the bottle of Glenfiditch they were drinking at the bar "Don brought this here after you left the bar. How did you pay for this?" Mrs. Cartman poured a glass for each of them.
"Eric sold Kenny's organs in the black market. They keep most of it in fake bank accounts, though" She said as Mrs. Cartman laughed
"That's how my little Eric is. Always doing something crazy"
"So… you're not mad at me?" Wendy asked taking a sip
"Of course not. I'm his mother, it takes a lot more than that to irritate me. I'm just glad he found such a nice girl" She said raising a glass, to which Wendy toasted
"Well, I'm glad we got this over with. After this glass, let's get him to bed" Wendy said and Mrs. Cartman nodded
"oh, and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, there is a new pack of condoms in this drawer. Top shelf" Mrs. Cartman said as Wendy got so much red in her face she was a hammer and scythe symbol away from being the Chinese flag
