Chapter 8: Hidden Secrets and Doorstep Moments
I woke after yet another dream about Edward. Only this time he proposed to me, he was about to kiss me...then I woke up! I have wildest over-imaginative mind. I glanced over to my alarm clock and it only read 05:00 . I lay back on my bed and tried to let sleep take me but no such luck. So I reached over to my desk and grabbed my Mac book. I opened the sleek lid and worked on my coursework.
I must have fallen asleep writing about the atomic structure of Helium because the next time I woke up, my head laid on the Mac book and my alarm was singing Russian Roulette by Rihanna. I sat in bed for a few minutes listening to the song and just getting into the mood. I looked at the clock to find that I had only been asleep for an hour. I decided what I was going to do then.
I crept downstairs and stopped at the door to the basement. Which wasn't a basement; it was my haven to get away when I would feel too many emotions inside of me. I had never told anyone about this, except Charlie and Renée. Not even Alice and Rose, even they think that this is just a place where I keep my useless junk; in fact it's the opposite. This place contains my heart, my mind and my soul. I entered the 4-digit number in the code pad on the door and it opened with a hiss.
I locked the soundproof door behind me and I stalked into the room, entranced by the memories it contained. I had come to this very place almost every day from the day that Edward distanced himself from me; except I haven't been here in the last couple of days.
This was my personal recording studio. Charlie had it installed when I was younger and really into singing and playing. I never really utilized it until I had real pain inside of me, which needed to be released in some form, inflicted by Edward. I would never tell me him this because I knew he would feel really guilty and blame himself. I sing, play guitar and a bit of piano. Yet I had, never, ever told anyone this, nor did I plan to. It's just too embarrassing; especially what the sheets of music contain- songs. Which were songs to people but to me they were my past, my truths.
I dug through the sheets of music to find the song that I had written only a few days ago, "Tell Me Why". I hadn't recorded it yet and I felt that this was the perfect opportunity to do so. I grabbed my guitar, configured the sound settings, and sat on the bench with the mike raised near my lips. I hit start and sang my heart out, with tears pouring down my cheeks. Yet I kept singing, I needed to get it all out:
I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you like me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?
I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know
I pressed stop and transferred the track to my laptop so I could edit it later. I placed my guitar back on the guitar stand and turned all the equipment off. I entered the code again to lock the room. I walked upstairs feeling a lot lighter, like a heavy burdening weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This is the feeling I'd get whenever I'd write a song or record it. This was my way of venting my internal frustration, anger and hurt. I felt a lot happier than I had been an hour ago.
I snuck a peek inside Charlie's room to find he was still asleep. I was thankful to the fact that the studio was thoroughly soundproof because even my own father didn't know the things I kept bottled inside me. I quickly showered and checked my phone for any messages from Alice indicating what I should wear. There were none so I assumed that I could wear anything I want. Well that's a first!
I found a cute pair of jeans in the closet. They were ice blue ultimate skinny jeans. Alice had an amazing sense of fashion! I slipped on a white tee which had 'Abercrombie' written across it. I chose a black and grey striped boyfriend cardigan and left it unbuttoned. I found some black slouchy suede high-leg boots. Noticing it was cold outside; I pulled on a white woolen sequined beret and grey fingerless gloves. I let my hair form into its natural wavy style and just put a bit of pink lip-gloss. I looked in the mirror and I had to admit, I looked cute.
I walked downstairs to find Charlie in his pajamas, sitting on the dining table eating breakfast.
"Morning Bells," Charlie greeted me groggily.
"Morning Char-Dad! No work today then?"
"Nope Bells, I get to stay home and relax. That's something I haven't done in a while!"
"Well that's good then," I mumbled. OH SHIT! He's going to see Edward when he picks me up! I looked out of the window to see Edward leaning on his Volvo waiting for me. Unfortunately Charlie picked up on this too.
"Edward's waiting Bells. Why?" Now that I think about it, even I don't know why he's insisting that he drives me to school. I have my own car!
"Uhh ermm...Edward's taking me to school."
"Why?"
"I don't know?"
"Bells," Charlie hesitated, Uh-Oh. We had crossed the territory into awkward land and its thorny subject- boyfriends. "Are you and Edward?" he trailed off suggestively. I wish!
"NO! No, Dad. We're just friends."He gave me a long skeptical look and then shrugged.
"Whatever," he said dismissively and the look on his face said that he still didn't believe me!
"Okay Dad, I'll see you after school," I said heading towards the front door.
"Bye, kiddo!"
"Oh and Dad? Please try not to burn the house down." The last time I left Charlie alone in the house he had put metal in the microwave causing to explode and start a fire. Luckily I got home in time otherwise I would have kissed my house goodbye.
"Oh, Ha, Ha! Very funny!"
"Bye!" I yelled into the house one last time before stepping outside to face the most perfect guy in the whole universe.
E POV (Finally!)
I parked my Volvo on Bella's driveway and found that Charlie's cruiser was there. Knowing Chief Swan, this was going to earn Bella some awkward questions. I got into the frosty atmosphere and leaned on my car waiting for Bella to appear.
I thought back to how messed up my life was just a mere few days ago. Despite all this, I was very happy right now except for the glooming truth, which no matter how many time I forced to the back of my head, seems to find itself back to the surface of my thoughts.
I loved Bella, with every fiber of my being. I couldn't dare hope that Bella would have mutual feeling after all that I've put her through. Two years ago, I realized that I was completely and utterly in love with Bella. I was very young and naive, not to mention scared of an emotion so strong inside me. Which, until that day, I didn't even know existed. I was very confused about what I should do. My idiotic brain came up with the conclusion that maybe if I somehow suppressed this extreme sensation stronger than the force of gravity, it would go away. How wrong I was.
This lead to me avoiding Bella and distancing myself from her. Then I discovered that it was easier to suppress my feeling by acting unkind to her and insulting her. I hurt myself twice as much every time I hurt her. As soon as anything slipped out of my mouth, I would instantly regret it. I learned over time to annihilate all human emotions. I became an empty shell, a lifeless, soul-less empty shell.
I played with girls, not caring who I was with, not caring for them at all. I only wanted the ache in my heart to go away, which happened from a fraction of time whenever I was with a girl. I needed more and more of this comfort. This sick masochistic comfort.
I had an epiphany a week ago which made me realize how fucked up and moronic I am. Ignoring Bella and pretending like she was nothing to me want helping me at all. I needed Bella. Even if all I would get from her is friendship. It's enough for me. I consider myself extremely lucky that she has even agreed to talk to me, let alone be my friend. This just shows how kind, caring and unselfish Bella is. She puts others in front of herself.
This is self-redemption for me. Maybe if I tried hard enough Bella would return my feelings for her. I can only hope, I am quite certain that it will never happen. Thinking about this every time I see her involves every kind of pain imaginable, but I'll endure it, just for pain that I had caused to her is much greater, and I'll spend every moment in my life suffering to make up for her hardships. I know that Bella would never show me extent of her pain because she knows I would wallow in guilt, which again just make me guiltier that she always has to be the protector. It shouldn't be like that. I should protect her from everything she doesn't like out there. It is really frustrating because I can't tell her why I separated myself from her. That would mean confessing my undying love to her, which I can't do because that would ruin our newly requited friendship.
It was like my life suddenly came into focus and everything was much brighter when she walked through the door. She was wearing a simple outfit, but it made her look incredible. It was amazing how she could take something so transparent and turn it into something so stunning that it is indescribable. Bella was the ideal image of beauty; she wasn't fake, which most of Forks is. She never sees herself clearly, which is really counteracting to me. She could be Greek goddess but she still thinks that she's plain. When will she see that she's much more than that?
B POV
Edward had a smile planted on his face after he saw me leave the house.
"Hey," I greeted him as I walked towards.
"Hi," he smiled a smile which made me go all warm and fuzzy inside. He opened the door for me and I climbed inside his Volvo.
"So where to Miss Swan?" he questioned pretending he was my driver. I chuckled.
"Forks High, Cullen boy," we both burst out laughing as Edward pulled out of my driveway and I could have sworn I was a figure watching us through the living room window. As he was driving, I snuck peeks at him when he wasn't looking. I ogled his flawless features, from his angular cheekbones to his smooth creamy skin. My hands ached to touch him, but I clamped them together because Edward would find it very weird if I suddenly reached out and started stroking his face.
When we arrived at Forks High, the reception was quieter than yesterday. Most of the student body had gotten used to the fact that Edward Cullen, the hottest, most popular guy in the school was friends again with Bella Swan, the plain Jane. Despite that, not-so-subtle whispering could be heard as we stepped out of the car. The crowd quickly dispersed as we walked to Alice . People were standing at the sides staring at us and whispering. Edward put a protective arm around my shoulders and I thought it was endearing.
"Well, Rose" Alice said looking at my attire as we approached her. "We can't say that she has a bad sense of fashion."
"Maybe if you let me dress myself once in a while, you'd know that," we all laughed at that. We spent our time chatting and laughing at Emmett whenever he'd make a fool of himself. I gave Edward a quick hug as the bell rand and ran to homeroom with Alice . As I entered, Lauren and Jessica approached me. Geez, can't they leave me alone?
"Hi, Bella," Jessica said sweetly. What the fuck?
"Bye, Morons," I said trying to walk past them, but Lauren blocked they path.
"Bella," she plastered a fake smile on her face, on top of her mounds of layers of caked-on makeup. "Why don't you sit with us?" She indicated to the table where Mike, Eric, Angela and Ben were sitting. To be honest, Ben and Angela were the only nice ones of the group.
"No thanks, Poser," Lauren's lips set into a straight line and she forced them up, with great difficultly, into a small smile and walked away. Everyone looked at me with questioning eyes as I approached the lunch table.
"Oh the Masqueraders tried to buy me," I explained as I sat in between Edward and Emmett. Emmett let out a loud guffaw and thumped me on my back. I gave him the 'WTF?' look and he just shrugged and kept eating.
"So what did you say?" Jasper said. That was weird, Jasper is usually very quiet.
"Um, not much really; I just called them moronic posers and walked away."
"WAY TO GO BELLS!" Emmett thumped my back again.
"Emmett!" I said my teeth gritted. "I can barely stay upright by myself and I DO NOT need you thumping my back every five seconds!" For some weird contorted reason, Emmett thought this was very funny and roared with laughter.
"What is WRONG with him?" Edward said shaking his head.
"Well, I think he was dropped on his head when he was a baby," we all nodded to each other and went back to eating our lunch. I was having pasta with tomato sauce, and to be honest it was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. I stood up to go and throw it away. I hadn't even taken five steps when I slipped and I lurched forward. My tray went flying and hit someone with a thud. I couldn't see who because I had a date with the floor, embarrassment and humiliation. I squeezed my eyes together, bracing for impact. However before I could completely embarrass myself, I was caught in a pair of strong arms. I peeked through my lashes to see Edward grinning at me shaking his head with an amused expression. Laughter was a second away from bursting out of his mouth.
"I'm so sor-" I looked up at the person who I had dumped my lunch on. I could see why Edward was laughing now; there stood Lauren, with pasta and tomato sauce smeared all over her dress, face and hair. There was even a piece of pasta stuck in her fake cleavage.
"Ooh scratch that. I'm so not sorry," I burst out laughing and so did the rest of the cafeteria. Edward still had his arms around me so I leaned my head on his shoulder while I split my sides.
"BITCH," Lauren screamed and I turned to face her. She brought her hand up and swung it across to slap me. Before she could even get halfway, Edward grabbed her hand menacingly and dropped it to her side.
"Enough," he said gritting his teeth. She stormed out of the cafeteria with Jessica quickly following. I detangled myself from Edward as the bell rang and waved goodbye to everyone at the table. As we walked in a comfortable silence, I flashed a smile at him showed my gratefulness. He smiled warmly back at me in return, but I could see it was just a mask. When he thought I wasn't looking, his jaw was set and his eyes hard. Why was he angry?
He calmed during Biology as we were watching a documentary about planarian. I was holding his hand and rubbing comforting circles into it. I looked up at his face and was mesmerized once again. He looked so beautiful; his face shone from the light projected by the TV at the front of the room. Can someone as beautiful as him even be real? I nearly reached out and took his face in my hands, but I stopped myself in time. Whenever he would catch me looking, I ducked my head, but not before I saw the smile creep up to his face. When the documentary ended I had no idea what was in it, I had spent my whole time staring at Edward.
Edward grabbed me in his arms for a hug goodbye as we parted ways. Gym was excruciatingly painful. I managed to bruise myself in five different places! They were all hidden beneath clothing except for the one on the forehead. Luckily Alice was always handy with foundation otherwise I knew Edward would flip.
As I left the gym I saw Edward leaning against the wall of the building. He had his eyes closed so he didn't notice me. I walked straight to him, lined my eyes with his and tapped his shoulder. He was so surprised he jumped a foot in the air and I fell about laughing. Once he composed himself, he straightened up and glared at me.
"That's it! Payback time!" he grinned evilly at me and stalked forward. I was scared of what was about to happen next and stumbled backwards. In one swift movement Edward grabbed my waist and swung me over his shoulder. I pounded his back with my fists, but it had no effect.
"Edward! Put me down!" I yelled still attempting to get free.
"Nope," he said cheekily, popping the 'p'. Much to my embarrassment, he carried me across the parking lot, waving to Rose and Alice in the process. They gave me the 'WTF?' look and I just shrugged and mouthed; 'Don't ask!' Edward had reached his Volvo and just stood there, in front of it.
"Well are you gonna put me down or what?" He pretended that he was thinking,
"No I don't think I will."
"Edward, plea-se put me down!" I pleaded with him.
"On one condition,"
"What?" I asked warily.
"You have to admit that Edward Cullen is the greatest person that has ever lived on this planet," he said. Even though I couldn't see it, I knew he was smirking. It was so true, but I wasn't about to admit it out loud
"And why would I do that?"
"Because I'm your ride home?"
"Touché. Edward Cullen is the greatest person to have ever lived on Earth. Happy?"
"Ecstatic!" he said putting me down and opening the door for me to get into his Volvo. I took a seat into the warm Volvo and clipped my seatbelt.
"That was not funny," I told him once he sat on the driver's side. He turned to me and threw me his signature smile.
"It was a bit funny, you have to admit," I simply stuck my tongue out at him, crossed my arms across my chest and pouted as I looked out of the window.
E POV
I looked over at Bella to see her pouting and faking anger. Bella looked so cute when she puts, and her little kitten anger is adorable. I took every ounce of self-control I had not to slam the brakes, grabs her face and kiss her like my life depended on it. I shook my head to clear the vile thoughts I had. Bella deserved someone better than me, yet I felt like ripping the head off the person who would have Bella in his arms. He is so damn lucky.
I felt a wave of sadness wash over me as I parked in Bella's driveway. I was surprised to see Charlie's cruiser gone; he was here this morning… Apparently Bella felt the same way as me because she looked at me with her doe eyes, which were full of sadness. Then I saw a spark inside of them.
"Edward?" Bella perked up.
"Hmmm?" I was too absorbed in her eyes to form a reasonably coherent response.
"Do you wanna come inside and help me with my homework?"
"Yes!" I said a bit too quickly and Bella's tinkering laugh filled the car. I jogged over eagerly to her and opened her door. She unlocked the door and stepped inside. My eyes scanned the hallway and living room. They're not in any way different from the last time I saw them. It had been two years since I had last been here, last sat on the sofa, last watched a baseball game with Charlie. He probably hates me now considering what I did to his daughter. Bella led my to the dining room and I gingerly sat down on the soft plushy chair. The Swans had a dining table which could seat ten but only two of those spaces had ever been occupied. Bella headed to the counter where I saw a note. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion and she put the note down again on the counter.
"Dad's in La Push'" Bella explained. "At Sue's, I wonder what he's doing there?" She said more to herself.
My fist clenched when Bella said La Push, let's just say that I didn't really like the people from La Push. In fact I hated them; we always had an ongoing rivalry. I knew Bella was friends with a mutt from La Push, Jacob. I thought his name in disgust. I was relieved that Bella hadn't been around him lately because whenever he was with her, it would infuriate me immensely.
Bella and I sat at her dining table for ages, doing homework and just talking to each other. I even watched her while she made dinner for Charlie. She was so graceful in her every movement, except for when she trips on nothing and I have to catch her. I'm not complaining because its fun and I get to have her in my arms.
It was already really dark when I thought it was time to leave. In fact I don't think I ever would have left if it wasn't for Alice texting me every five minutes asking me where the hell I am.
"I better go," I said as Bella and I stood at her doorstep.
"Yeah," she breathed. In a cliché way, this was the doorstep moment. Where the guy leans down and kisses the girl and everything is alright after that and the girl and the guy live happily ever after. Unfortunately, Bella and I were different. We were…complicated.
I looked down at her face and the wind was blowing her face across her face. I reached down gently and tucked the strand of hair behind her ear. My hand stayed on her cheek, without thinking, I instinctively leaned down. It must have been my imagination but I saw her lean in a little too. I was inches away from her lips when my phone buzzed. I internally groaned and straightened up, pulling my phone from my pocket. It was Alice for the umpteenth time. Bella looked anywhere but my face. In a way, I both hated and loved Alice right now. I hated her because she had ruined my moment with Bella and I loved her because if we had kissed who knows what would have happened. Bella would have regretted to hell and back that's for sure. I decided to break the silence.
"Uh, bye Bella" She finally looked in my eyes.
"Bye," she breathed. I hugged her awkwardly and walked to my Volvo. I turned around gave her one last wave before stepping into my car. Standing in the doorstep, illuminated by the light behind her was the last of Bella I saw as I sped to Forks Highway to get home.
