He had carried Dean back to the car. He had been barely conscious in Castiel's arms. The way that his legs dangled loose over his arm worried him. It had been awkward getting him into the car, but he had managed. He knew that they needed to get far away from this place. It was sucking away something vital from Dean. At first, he had tried to just snap them away, use his reenergized self to escape. He was able to move himself through space, but not if he tried to take Dean. It was as though there was something tying him down.
He drove west. He drove fast. He reached out to Dean across the expanse of the car in an attempt to pull him out. His light was there, glowing away beneath his unconscious features. He saw Dean's hand move a bit, a slight fluttering of life. He had felt Dean's hand on him back in Rhyolite, but it had been different. It was like Dean was reaching out to him with his soul and not his physical body.
He drove for many hours. He had considered stopping many times. He couldn't help but think though that distance had to be achieved. He did not have a clear destination. He did not know if he needed one. He had all of the items. He knew what he had to do next. He had doubts though. Hannah's words were tormenting him. He kept asking himself if he was being selfish. He kept asking himself if he was supposed to save Dean. But that thought was not one that he could handle. There is nothing more important. It was as though this feeling had been programmed into him. It seemed to be a core component of who he was. Dean's protector. Dean's guardian. He continually reached out to Dean and pressed his hand to him, willing Dean back. Hoping that his will to fix this would be enough.
After some time had passed, the land began to change. The scenes flashing past the windows in a blur were no longer sand and sagebrush. There were trees now. At first they just pocked the landscape here and there. Soon they became thicker and more prevalent.
He saw the glistening waters of Lake Tahoe in the distance and decided that he would stop. It was mid-afternoon and he needed to stop, just stop. He had left the main roads and found a long barren unpaved road that meandered down to the lake. He took the route slowly and stopped when the road came to the water and then looped along its edge. He shut off the car and reached out to Dean. He pressed his hands to Dean's chest, closed his eyes and concentrated on the warm core of energy that was coursing around inside of him. He pressed it out toward Dean. He felt a stirring beneath his fingers and the steady thrumming of Dean's heartbeat. Then he felt his hands covered. He opened his eyes and saw Dean staring back at him.
"What are you doing, Cas?" Dean's voice was a whisper. His usual strength was gone.
"I'm saving you." Castiel answered honestly. He wanted to tell Dean everything. He wanted to tell him that this was never about his grace, or his life, or anything more than just him. He wanted to tell him, because he wanted him to know that he was worthy of salvation. He wanted to tell him, because he wanted Dean to feel loved and valued. He had heard too often from those that guard, from those that they had encountered, from even Dean himself that they were lacking in worth. He recoiled internally from those thoughts. Dean was worthy.
He felt a surge of strength in Dean as he yanked his hands from his chest. "Stop it, Cas. Just stop it." Dean's voice even seemed to be growing stronger. Castiel moved his hands back up to Dean, but they came to nothing. Dean threw open the door and got out. "Why do you keep doing this? You need to stop."
"I don't understand why you are getting angry." Castiel walked around the car toward him.
"I heard everything that she said, all of it, Cas. I know what is happening. I may not know exactly, but I am not stupid. I told you that you needed to end me, and I let you convince me that I was necessary. You convinced me that you needed me. Damn it, Cas, I killed people. I killed people. You have to stop saving me. You have to! You have to! You have to!" He was stalking about by the car yelling. Then he turned to Castiel desperation and torment pouring out of his face. Then calmer, but not by much he said, "Why, Cas? Why would you do this to me?"
Castiel whispered out to him, "I am just trying to save you. I just need to save you. Nothing else matters except for that." He felt the twitch in his eye, and if he cried he imagined that it would feel like this moment.
"You are wrong. I am just one man. Hannah even said so. I am just one person, and if saving me hurts everyone else, then it is wrong to save me. You have to listen to her. You know that she is right. Castiel couldn't listen to him anymore. There was truth in his words, but he couldn't accept them.
"If you don't matter then nothing does." Castiel looked at him steadily, drawing closer, wanting to press more of the darkness back. Dean's form though was not darkness right now. So his desire was something else. It was something that he could not acknowledge. It was too selfish. He did not feel that he deserved it. He wasn't really thinking about what he deserved or didn't deserve now. He was really just thinking about how this mission was failing, how Dean would never let him do what he had to do. He was losing control of his carefully guarded emotions. He was angry and sad, frustrated and overwhelmed. It was all he could do to just keep from lashing out, but he knew that it would do no good. He wanted to fix Dean, not destroy him.
Dean just stood there. Dean grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to him. "You have to do the right thing, Cas. I can't do it myself. I don't have the ability. I need you to help me end this. Even Cain couldn't end it himself. I was supposed to help him with that, and I failed on that score too. I don't know what else to say, Cas, but you have to do this. You are the only one that I can trust. Please."
Castiel leaned his head down to Dean's chest. He felt like he had lost. He cast about in his head for a solution, any solution that would not take Dean away. Dean's hands loosened on his collar and moved around him. He felt the pressure of Dean's hands clinging to his back, holding him to Dean's chest. He listened to his breathing, stuttering and sharp against his head. He concentrated on the warmth of his body that was alive and filled with so much goodness. How could I hurt you? How could you ask me to do this? He tipped his head back and he looked at Dean, his face just above his own. I can't. I can't. I won't. He stared at him, waiting for the moment to end. It didn't. "Okay, Dean." He felt the words stabbing their way out of his body. "I will still need to retrieve my grace though, to do what you wish. I won't be strong enough without it." Castiel wanted to curl up somewhere and hide. Then I won't be made to do anything.
"Thank you, Cas." Dean released him. The cold bite of the winter around them sent noticeable chills along Dean's body. "When can we start the ritual?" Dean was stiff, matter of fact in his speech.
"Tonight. It must be done under the stars." Castiel felt defeated a little. Dean sounded like he had given up. He just wanted him to live, to want to live. He wanted to give him the little piece of whatever was missing from his being. He did not know how to do that though.
"Then let's set up camp here. We can do the ritual tonight. Then it can be done." It was still many hours before it would be late enough. Castiel followed Dean to the back of the car and helped him pull out some of their camping gear. They did not need to set up the tent or really make camp since they were not planning to stay, but they did it anyway to just have something to do, some physical activity that could occupy time. They did not speak. They just set up the tent and then Dean built up a small campfire. Castiel sat off to the side and stared out at the water. The evening was getting closer. He willed it back. He stood back up, walked closer to the water, and tossed some pebbles into it, watching the circles roll back to the shore.
He felt Dean's hand on the small of his back and turned to him. He hadn't heard him slip up beside him. Dean just stood there, looking out at the water with him. How do I put this off? How do I make this last? Dean's hand moved a little, like he was trying to rub into Castiel's back some amount of comfort for what he was making him do. "I'm sorry, Cas." Dean muttered out to him. Castiel shrugged away from him and stalked back to the fire. He was not truly cold, but he was unhappy, and Dean's words were not helping. Distance was not helping either though.
Dean followed him. He stood alongside Castiel, silent. "Can we just not," Castiel said.
"You don't want to talk about it?" Dean looked over at him, the firelight illuminating them both as the early evening descended upon them.
"No, I don't." Castiel looked back at him.
"What do you want to do then?" Dean stared at him calmly. The light was all that Castiel could see. He swallowed down his first answer the one that he could not give words to.
"Let's just talk, but not about that."
"Okay, tell me about the ritual. Tell me about the magi." Dean offered up the topic without even seeming to consider the fact that it was still the same topic.
Castiel huffed out a sigh and told Dean what he wanted to hear. They sat down by the fire on the sleeping bags that Dean had set there for that purpose. "So, the magi that gave gifts to the Christ child were guided by angels. Heavenly voices had called down to them from on high. They had asked these wise men to bring gifts across a great stretch of desert land. It was not the gifts that were the most important things. It was what the gifts could do. For each item, when brought together with the proper words could call down the grace of the angels into their vessels. Once this had happened, then the angels could watch over the child. They could act as guardians on this mortal plain. In theory, if we do this ritual, my grace will be called down to its vessel, and I will be as I once was. The magi were vessels. They watched over the child as he grew up. They shared a profound bond with him until his physical end."
"So, they were kind of like us. I mean, except for me being way less innocent and all."
Castiel looked at him with sadness. I'll never be able to convince you that you are good. "There are parallels, certainly."
"Cas, I know that you said that you didn't want to talk about it, but, I need you to do one more thing." Dean sounded a little subdued. Castiel watched him for a beat then nodded. "I need you to explain this to Sammy. I need you to tell him that I am in heaven. You need to make it convincing, because if you don't, he'll try to bring me back. I need him to let me go."
"Why wouldn't you go to heaven?" Castiel looked at him perplexed.
"I am a knight of Hell. I don't think that my kind is wanted there." Dean tried to sound funny. His tone was a little lost on Castiel.
Castiel just looked at him through the ever increasing dark. He felt the twitch in his eye that could be tears if he could cry. He lowered his head to his knees and stared straight down. He couldn't move, couldn't look at Dean, couldn't engage anymore. How could he be so cavalier about this? He thinks that he is making this easier for me. He felt Dean next to him then, his arms around him. "I'm sorry. I know that I am asking for too much."
Castiel just stayed like he was, head to his knees, but now with Dean's arms on him. "It's time for the ritual," Castiel muttered. He looked up then with a thought. "I want something from you, Dean. If you give me what I want, I'll do as you ask. I'll lie to Sam. I'll do it all."
"Okay. What do you want." Dean leaned toward him. Castiel wanted time. He wanted time enough to make things right. There would never be time enough for that, but he wanted it. Most of all he wanted to love Dean, and time would not allow for that to be shared. He wanted to live long enough, and have Dean live long enough to fully understand all of it. No one ever seems to know just how short life can be until it is at its end. He felt that fact painfully now.
"I want you to live for one more day."
"Is that all." He sounded a little disappointed. Castiel wondered why.
"I really want you to live forever, but I know that there are limits to what you will agree to."
"I just thought that there would be more. You looked like you were thinking of something more than just a day. I can give you a day. We stay here though. I don't want to be where I can hurt someone." Dean looked serious, and Castiel nodded his agreement.
Castiel got up to set up the items down by the lake. He knelt before them and held out his hands to the heavens. Next, he held his hand over each item and breathed out a single word of Enochian over each. The word fell from his mouth as a breath of fire onto each item. A small flame danced up from each into the air above them. Dean stood back behind Castiel. He could feel him there. He wondered if the grace would come to him right away, or if they would have to wait. He hoped for a waiting period, anything to prolong the inevitable separation between them. The flames jumped up then and grew, until he had to back up from them. "Look, Cas. In the sky." Dean was pointing up.
Castiel looked up and saw blue electric light streaming down from the heavens. It was pouring down toward him. He tipped his head back in anticipation, as the light came to him. He turned to Dean then and saw as the man stared in awe back at him. He wanted to say something to him, before everything changed. He felt the light surround him. It glowed around his form waiting for Castiel to give it entrance to his vessel. He continued looking at Dean and saw that he was so much light too. He could not see the once ever present darkness. He was a beautiful soul, and Castiel was filled with love for him. He would do whatever he needed, whatever he wanted. "I love you, Dean Winchester." And as the words left his mouth, the light of his grace poured into him.
AN: Thank you all for reading this. I am going to finish it by Tuesday morning, because I don't want to overlap it too much with the mid-season finale that will likely go in very intriguing ways. I will want to incorporate things from it into my fic, and then this won't ever end. Plus, I am writing a fluffy little Christmas fic, 25 Days of Christmas, that is needing more attention, since it is going to be a daily until, well, Christmas. Also, there is my other baby Dean, the Dangerous, and the Damned, which is thankfully written out a ways, so I have a little breathing room.
So, hope you are all enjoying this, and thank you for the reviews and encouragement. Love and Unicorns, Speary.
