Sorry for being a little late. I've been pretty busy with school and adjusting to a new schdule, all that kind of stuff. But I'm back at it again with some more depressing shit!
NICO
The Beast in Me- Johnny Cash
After the events of this morning, I tried to go back to my cabin. I locked the door behind me and slipped inside, my back leaning against the heavy black wood.
I thought I was going to fall back asleep, at least after I'd calmed down some. I was still exhausted and liable to pass out, even after all the anxieties my fight with Will brought up. But after everything that'd just happened…that wasn't an option. My head was racing; all I wanted to do was pace. But my floor was still strewn with paper and dirty clothes, the walls covered with a collage of tacked up drawings. The mess became entirely too much to handle. I just had to get out; I was starting to get claustrophobic. So I grabbed the pack of cigarettes and a lighter off my dresser and made a run for it.
I ended up wandering in the woods for a while, trying my best to keep to the shadows cast by the trees. A few of the clearings were still busy with activity. Younger campers roamed the outskirts of the forest with guides, perhaps hoping for a fight with a small monster to test their newfound skills. But for the most part, I was able to avoid people altogether.
I'm just thankful that my usual spot is tucked so deep in the woods that nobody will find me. I drop down on the ground, a thick layer of pine needles cushioning my fall. I push my back up against the weathered rock and pull out my lighter, flipping the cool metal object in my hands.
After lighting what would be the first of many cigarettes, I let the small flame for a few seconds longer. I'm so tempted…but ultimately I release the striker. Maybe smoking will clear my head enough that I won't have to resort to…that…
I suck in a puff of smoke and hold it before exhaling deeply. I lean my head back against the rock, watching the thin wisps float amongst the dizzyingly tall pines. I let out a shaky breath before taking another drag.
Today has been so fucked.
My fight with Will was hard enough.
Some part of me has to believe that at some point, he was going to break up with me. He'll realize that I'm not worth it, that nothing he can do is going to change the fact that I'm fundamentally fucked up.
A wave of nausea hits me when I remember the way things were in the beginning. I used to be able to handle it back in the beginning, when everything was still fresh. I used to think that maybe I could change, and that maybe Will would be the one to help me. If I went to the bonfires with him, maybe I'd be happier. If I listened to him tell me how beautiful I was, if I let him kiss me, maybe I wouldn't hate my body so much.
That's not how it works.
I want to be happy with him. I want to feel comfortable; I want to be able to confide in him all the fucked up things that run through my head. I want him to hold me when I can't breathe. I want him to see my scars and still want kiss me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want the old Will, the sweet doctor that swept me off my feet and gave me the chance, a fleeting chance, to feel good about myself.
But I've destroyed that, haven't I? I've destroyed that charming, handsome, wonderful guy that got so nervous the first time he asked me out to the bonfire. And I've replaced him with an angry, combative person.
I'm poison, aren't I?
Maybe he'll finally understand that all of his efforts are pointless, that no amount of bonfires or playful nagging or cute couple trips is going to change me. Maybe today will be the last straw and he'll finally cut his losses and try to salvage what's left of himself. He'll find someone else because he really is a good guy, deep down. I just bring out the worst in him.
I need to do something before I ruin him more, before I drag him down with me. But I'm a coward. I'm a fucking coward and that can't face him. I can't bear the thought of another fight.
But I could always set him free in another way…
With that thought, I flick away the smoldering remains of my first cigarette and immediately grab for the haphazardly discarded carton. By this this point, my hands are so shaky it takes me a few seconds longer to light the next one; my fingers keep slipping against the striker, making the flame flicker in and out. I take a long, greedy drag once it's lit, but it catches in my throat and I can't help but cough.
I could end this…all of this. End the constant nightmares and the stupid fights and the fear of never being accepted…
It would be so easy to just disappear. In the end, Hazel would feel it, but by that point it would be too late…
I shake my head and bring the cigarette back to my lips once my throat has calmed down. It's been a while since I've thought like that in any serious way. It might've been fleeting, but it was still there.
Gripping the carton and lighter tightly in my hand, I toss down the remains of my cigarette and crush it with my boot. I rise on achy joints and begin walking again. I need to get out of here, away from camp and any chance of confrontation with Will. I don't trust myself enough for that…
I walk over to the shadows and make a quick jump to my cabin. I haphazardly sweep a bunch of stuff into a battered black backpack. A book, sketchpad, pens, my cigarettes, a small dagger in a black scabbard. The iPod Will gave me when we first started dating…
Almost as a second thought, I stuff a few bills of mortal money into my front pocket. Maybe I can find some sketchy corner store that won't card me for cigarettes. I'm running low, and I can't help but think I won't have any by the end of today.
Swinging the backpack onto my shoulders, I disappear into the shadows.
I guess it's ironic that I end up wandering the city all day. It's exactly what Will had wanted to do, but it was never going to happen with him. I couldn't be with him for that long. I couldn't deal with the expectations. I don't even remember what his plans for our trip were, but I knew they would've been too much.
So instead I go by my own plans, which are basically nonexistent. I just need to fill the day. I walk, and walk, and walk. I stop at a cafe for the largest, cheapest coffee I could find. Sometimes I loiter in front of a corner store to smoke. In the end, I spend most of the day roaming Central Park. I'm at my calmest there, under the canopy of trees. It's not nearly as quiet as the camp woods, but it has the benefit of nobody caring about me or what I was doing. It's like I'm invisible, even though the park is packed with people.
I find myself on the Brooklyn Bridge just as the sunset was coming to a close. Only a sliver of orange-tinged sunlight remains on the horizon. As I look across the East River, I can't help but think of Percy. I instinctively light a new cigarette, the last one in the pack. I sigh and scrub my face with my free hand.
I've been trying to keep him out of my mind all day because that was a tangle of emotions I wasn't ready to deal with. So far I'd been successful keeping most
But Percy…
My eyes flutter closed and my mind flashes back to earlier today. His labored breathing, the sound of his cries. My own feeling of helplessness, clawing its way up my throat. The way my voice trembled as I tried to count down from ten, my own panic mounting with each passing, unsuccessful minute. It was a horrible thing to watch to someone I-I used to love go through.
Who am I kidding? I didn't used to love him. I still do. I wish I could have him, all of him.
But he'll never love me.
Nobody will.
I shudder at the memory of that kiss on his forehead, however brief it was. That was a huge mistake, an afterthought that should have been ignored. There's a chance he won't remember it at all.
I have to hope for that. Because I can't explain to him why I did it. I can't admit that I've had a crush on him for years…
I can't see him anymore. I don't want to see him hurting…I don't want to hurt him anymore…because I always do.
The water seems so inviting now. I pick my head up and scan the rest of the walkway. There are only a few people left at this hour, and nobody is close enough to stop me. Hope the railway, run across the road, get to the edge and…
If I jump, I won't have to confront Will or Percy or anyone…Right now there's no notes to write, nothing left to say…
Drowning in the East River…
Flicking the spent butt on the ground and crushing it with my boot, I started walking again. I'll finish walking across the bridge, then I'll dip into an alley and shadow travel back to my cabin.
But all the walking has completely drained me. My legs are sore (and it's not just my raw thighs); my feet are burning. The tips of my boots drag a little on the pavement with each step. But neither pains hold a candle to the gnawing feeling in my stomach. When was the last time I ate?
By the time I make it to a semi-private dark place, I realize my shadow travel isn't going to end up being as precise as I want it to be. Here's hoping that I can still avoid everyone. It's late, too late for most people to be roaming camp. Dinner's over, there's no bonfire tonight…
I lean against the rough brick wall and tighten the grip on my backpack. Taking a deep breath, I melt back into the shadows.
I end up landing in a heap at the very edge of the woods. Twigs snap beneath me, and I hiss as they scratch my skin. I roll over and stay like that for a minute, stray peddles digging into my bony knees.
Eventually I find the energy to stand up and stumble towards my cabin. None of the cabin's lights have dimmed yet; nobody is asleep. But the grounds themselves are mostly deserted, though still well-lit. For a second, I almost believe I'm in the clear, that I'm going to make it to my cabin without anyone noticing me.
I'm wrong.
My stomach drops when I realize that someone is sitting on the ground in front of my door. Tthe green fire torches cast enough light to reveal a glimmer of blonde hair.
Will.
I want nothing more than to bolt, but the scuffle of my feet alerts him to my presence. His head snaps up, and once he sees me, he immediately scrambles to his feet.
"Where have you been all day! I looked for you everywhere," he exclaimed, grabbing me by the shoulders and pulling me into a hug. I immediately go stiff. I try to swallow past the rapidly growing lump in my throat to no avail.
"You smell like smoke," he observed as he pulled away a little, crinkling his nose in disgust. Having been given a chance to get free, I jerked away and tore my arms from his grip.
"Nico!"
"I-I just, please, I c-can't talk right now. I-I have to…" I shakily replied, my hand already touching the doorknob.
I wince when Will roughly grabs my forearm. "Seriously, I really want to talk. I-I'm sorry for today, I was just frustrated and," he rambles, tightening his grip so that I can't leave.
I feel like I'm going to be sick, the nonexistent contents of my stomach churning. I-I can't do this.
"Let go," I whisper in a quavering, barely-there voice.
"No, we have to talk," he replies incredulously, like I was delusional to think that I was going to get away with not talking about what happened.
No, we don't have to talk…I have to get away…I have to…
I don't know. But I can't stay here. I-I can't…
"Let go," I say again, more forcefully this time. I grip the doorknob tighter, if that's even possible. My knuckles turn white with effort.
"I'm not letting go until you agree to talk to me!" he shouts, tugging on my arm.
The fight is getting louder and louder. Curtains are drawn open, campers peek out their doors. All those eyes on me…all those people…watching.
The shadows start to swirl around my feet, dancing wildly in the light of the fire. They grow strong with each passing second, feeding off my emotions.
Will's grip tightens and he rips me from the door, turning me to face him. He grips both my arms in his, holding them tightly in front of me. His handsome face, twisted in a mixture of concern and anger, looks down at me…
I feel that familiar tug in the pit of my stomach. I hear my own pulse drumming in my ears.
Just like last time…in the woods…with Reyna and Hedge and…and Bryce…
"I said let go!" I scream, rage and fear pouring out in twin.
I don't really remember what happens after that. It all happened so fast.
One minute he's standing tall and gripping both my arms, not about to let go. Stubbornly trying to talk…trying so hard…
And the next he's lying flat on his back, sprawled in the dirt halfway across the courtyard, his whole body smoking lightly. He isn't moving.
He isn't moving.
Everything goes silent; the only sound comes from the crackling brazier in the distance. The campers that had gathered outside their doors are frozen in place, all wearing the same look of shock. Someone shouts to get a medic. Someone else just shouts.
I collapse back up against the door, choked sobs rising up. My mouth hangs open in shock as I watch a few campers carefully inch towards Will.
Will…oh Gods…
Calling upon the pooling shadows, I fall backwards into the portal. I don't know where I'm going…I don't know where I can go.
But I can't be here…I can't be here…
Oh Gods…Will…
Well, that was...unexpected? I didn't exactly plan for that to happen, but in the moment it felt right.
Hope you enjoyed! And let me know what you think so far!
