A/N: Well I thought the session was over, but turns out it wasn't. Hope that's okay. ;) Sorry this took a tiny bit longer than I intended. I like to keep updates to at least once a week, but I've caught a flu, and it's hard to write when you're falling asleep at the keyboard.


Hilly was so glad Jak wasn't monitoring her vital signs in this session because wow, they might think she was in cardiac arrest. His hand was so warm and gentle on hers, his fingers lightly tracing the old scars on her knuckles. He dropped her hand finally and looked at her expectantly. The man's eyes should be illegal. Get a grip, Audhilde! Do your job!

Hilly rolled her chair back to her desk and pressed the intercom, "Jak, we're about to finish up here. You can go off-line."

Bucky shifted in the chair, suddenly remembering that it was wired to detect his vital signs. He'd actually forgotten. It might have had something to do with Hilly being in such close proximity, her soft little hand in his, so close that he could feel the warmth of her body until she'd moved away. She looked at him in a way that made him feel completely human again, her expression soft around the edges. He knew she was just doing her job, and her job was to care about others. It wasn't personal. How could it be? He didn't understand how someone could read through his files, know what he'd done, and still look at him like that. Like he was anything other than a weapon. She did, though. It wasn't personal, he told himself again. He couldn't help wishing it wasn't true.

"Thank you. Can I see Mr. Barnes this afternoon? About two?"

Hilly glanced over at Bucky and raised a brow.

He shrugged, "I'll see if I can free my schedule," he murmured with a hint of a smirk.

Hilly bit her lip and suppressed a chuckle, "No problem. We'll see you then."

He'd made her smile. He liked making her smile, and it was getting easier to remember how to do that. He knew it had been something that the old Bucky had done well. He also liked that she was coming with him to this meeting with Dr. Jakande. Stupid, but he felt safer with her there. Like she would keep any of the doctors from doing something to him he didn't want.

"What do you think that'll be about?" he asked.

She took a moment to consider. "If I had to guess, it could be either your readouts from today, from when you were in cryosleep."

He nodded, either of those topics he could deal with. He'd been curious about what made Wakandan science and medicine so special. The more he knew about what they were doing, the better he'd feel. He had a vague recollection of being good at science and math in school. He'd wanted to be an engineer. Build things, like Howard Stark. Howard, who had been his friend. Who he'd—No. No. That was a path he didn't want to go down right now.

He dropped his eyes to his lap, hair bracketing his face, hiding his expression from her.

"Or it could be about your new prosthetic arm."

Bucky shuddered, fear shooting through him. What if it was about his arm? Could he take that? He wasn't sure he could.

Hilly frowned. He was okay talking about cryofreeze but not his arm?

"You think he's gonna say they can't do it?"

Ah. There it was.

"What if they can't do it?" he asked, his voice so soft she had to strain to hear it.

"No. I think he would have let me know first if that were the case. And if they can't, do you think Steve won't find someone who can?"

Bucky scoffed, but he lifted his head.

She took a deep breath, "And Bucky, if he doesn't, so what?"

She caught a glimpse of something painful before his expression shuttered closed. She had the feeling they might be revisiting this topic again, because he nodded and gave her a little smile, but she didn't buy it. He currently was very much not okay with it. That was going in her notes.

She cleared her throat, "You should take some time to build a daily routine, and it is good for you to stick to it as much as possible, even simple things like reading or going to the café for lunch."

Bucky had avoided routine while on the run. Routines meant patterns, and patterns were an easy way of throwing up red flags. Routines made him uneasy… which was maybe the point.

"Breakfast with Doc Hilly, for example?"

So he was going to turn that look on her just to deflect from the topic, was he? All bright eyes and cocky smirk, his sharp jaw tilted up, challenging her to turn him down, knowing she wouldn't. He'd probably gotten a lot of mileage out of that particular look back in his day. Still worked on him, even with his days-old scruff and long hair. It kinda really worked. Ugh. Bad Hilly. Fine. But he wasn't getting off that easy.

"And workouts with Steve. Maybe hang out with a few more people once you get used to them."

His smirk faded. Yeah, she was pushing again. Bucky could easily close himself off from everyone but the bare minimum people he had to interact with, and she'd guess he wanted to. He didn't trust himself. She did trust him, and she damn sure wasn't going to let him hole up in his room all day every day. She lifted her chin and dared him to argue.

"So do you need me to go over anything again?" she asked, dismissing the session.

He gave her an appraising look before he stood up and stretched, "Nah. I think I've got it."

She stood up too, "If you need anything before this afternoon, call me. We can meet up in the kitchen about five before two for your meeting with Dr. Jakande."

"Sure. See you then." He turned to go with a lift of his hand.

"Oh! One more thing!"

He paused and half turned to face her.

"Are you okay with cats?"

Bucky's forehead creased, "What?"

"Well the Wakandans worship Bast, the cat deity, and so they have quite a lot of cats around the compound. They're good for reducing anxiety, and well, I like them." She flushed, warmth filling her cheeks. "So if it's okay with you, I'd like them to be allowed to come into the living areas."

Bucky registered her discomfort and the pink in her cheeks and gave her a crooked grin, "Good for reducing anxiety, huh?"

She just smiled, her expression hopeful.

"Fine by me. I like cats. My sisters…" he frowned for a moment and then gave a soft smile, "Yeah. My sisters loved them. I remember that. We had two, and they fought over who they belonged to. I told them cats belong to themselves, they just share with you. Truth was, the cats loved all three of them, but Juliet slept in my bed every night, and Romeo loved Becca."

She blinked to clear the moisture from her eyes. He'd looked so happy there for a moment.

"Thanks."

He nodded and turned to leave again.

She definitely had Bucky's approval. Now to get Steve on board which was easy enough when you knew which cards to play. She'd feel guilty about it if she wasn't convinced it would do both her and Bucky good.

"Steve is always in the gym this time of day," she offered, as he walked out the door.

One last little push couldn't hurt.


Spending time with Steve was a little weird. Bucky had recovered much of his pre-Hydra memories, but they were fuzzy and tinted with a veneer of nostalgia which made them feel not quite real. It was unnerving to look at Steve and feel the bond between them, but to have so little frame of reference for it. His instinct was to look out for him, watch his back, and that need was clearly strong. So much that before he even remembered for himself that he was Bucky Barnes, he knew he had to pull Steve from the Potomac. Had to. And he hadn't been lying when he told Steve he didn't know why. He hadn't known why, just that he had to. The fear that seized him before he'd seen Steve draw in breath on the riverbank was why. He'd thought he was dead, and something akin to pure terror filled him at what he could have done. If he'd killed Steve that day, there would have been no coming back for him.

Steve was a part of who he'd been before, a part he desperately wanted to hold on to, but every time he tried it slipped through his fingers.

Bucky wasn't the same, and Steve wanted him to be the same so badly it was painful for them both. Steve was like his brother, but like real family, he let that blind him to the truth. Steve seemed to think if the triggers were gone, he'd go back to being the same guy he was. Bucky knew that was never going to happen. He'd seen… done… too much. Steve acted like he was blameless, but he wasn't. Not really. He just hadn't been in charge of picking the targets.

The thing was, spending time with Steve did make him feel more like himself than anything else. He remembered things, remembered being that person. It was just the thought of spending time with him every day was gave him the same feeling he got when he glimpsed himself in the mirror. It looked like him, but it wasn't, and if you looked at the reflection for more than a second, all you saw was scars. All the parts of him that had healed up twisted and ugly. He didn't want Steve to see that, and if he spent much time around him, he would.

He'd seen the hurt on Steve's face when he avoided him, didn't take him up on his offer of dinner, didn't seek him out but instead locked himself in his room. Steve didn't realize how much worse it would hurt if he didn't.

Bucky sighed and went to change into workout gear. He could give him this much, at least.

Steve smiled when he saw him come in. "Hey Buck," he said, "was just about to go for a run. Coming along?"

"Yeah. I'd like that."

Hilly was right. He had to start somewhere.

Steve started talking once they settled into a comfortable pace, and this time Bucky didn't stop him. He didn't contribute much, but it was nice just letting him carry the conversation. He went on about how he busted his friends out of the floating prison, which was probably meant to reassure Bucky. It did. He didn't like the idea of Steve's team giving themselves up for him, but at the time he thought stopping Zemo was more important. He was glad they weren't locked up because of him.

Bucky mentioned how different the world was from when they left it, and that was enough to get Steve off and running on another topic. Steve confessed that since technology had advanced so far and he hadn't been around to watch it evolve, it usually made him feel stupid. Now Bucky's brain may not be what it was, but he knew for a fact Steve was far from stupid, and he said as much. It was worth it for Steve's shy smile and nod of acceptance. He got a strong impression that he'd done that for Steve when they were kids, reassure him when the world seemed like all it could do was pile more hurt on this little guy that just never stopped fighting. He wasn't so little anymore, but Bucky knew Steve was still Steve.

Mostly Bucky liked hearing about his friends. He liked knowing that Steve had people looking out for him, although it seemed to him that Steve was the one doing a lot of the looking out.

The Wanda girl was still a kid, really, even though what he'd seen of here abilities was impressive. The guy that turned tiny and giant had been useful, but completely star stuck by Steve, and both the guy with the bow and Sam were just highly trained regular men. The Widow, now she was something else. She was fully capable of taking care of herself and Steve too. He spoke about her with a warmth that told Bucky she was a true friend, and Bucky was glad of that. The Widow would make a terrifying enemy. He wondered if Steve would still feel the same about him if he knew Bucky had shot her not once, but twice. Then again, he'd watched him shoot her the second time. Something else he remembered… Steve was an idiot.


A/N: Pretty introspective this time, but that's just where the story went. I hope you liked it! I'm hoping you'll tell me if you did (or didn't) and bonus points for why. ;) Again, if there's something you like or want to see more of, just let me know. A lot of times that's a jumping off point for me that helps me figure where the story is going next. As always, thanks to the lovely folks encouraging me! The couple of minutes you take to let me know you like this makes it all worthwhile. *hugs*