Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC.


Dangleberries

Kinders says I should look on this as a learning experience. He also says that the past is history and it's about how we behave from now on that's important. I wish I could believe that. Because the truth is, I've really fucked up this time. I've been a bully and that's not how my mum brought me up. When I look back at how I've behaved it's hard to believe that I could be like that. Particularly bearing in mind what was done to me in the past.

When I was young it was always difficult. I was always the smallest boy in the class and I got picked on for that and it was really tough. And it wasn't exactly like it was within my control. As I got older I built up a group of friends and it became OK. It happened less, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Luckily I had that growth spurt in my late teens. When I joined the army it was difficult at first but when I got posted to this section it all came together. For the first time I felt part of something and I had some proper mates and that was great.

When Dawes joined the section I thought she seemed OK. She was a friend of Smurf and he was one of my good mates and I thought I'd give her a chance to settle in. She seemed to be pretty good fun and I reckoned it must be tough for her. But then the other day Smurf told me she'd grassed on him and no-one grasses on one of my mates. Mates are important and she broke the code. I was determined that she would suffer for it and I set out to make that happen.

But now I think about it, did she actually break the code? She is the medic after all and it's her job to look out for the physical and emotional well-being of the team. The more I think about it, and I've thought about it quite a lot this afternoon, Smurf was acting strangely. Maybe she was right to tell the Boss about it. And if she was right then my behaviour to her has been well out of order.

When the Boss spoke to us when we got back to the FOB this afternoon he was scary quiet. We all knew a bollocking was coming, so when he asked, "Did any of you listen when I told you that you needed to look out for the other members of your section?" we were all surprised and told him we had.

Way wrong answer! "Did you really?" the Boss asked quietly, "because from where I'm standing only one member of this section looked out for everyone, and SHE'S NOT HERE NOW!" I sort of understood what he was saying but then he decided to spell it out! "You fuckwits isolated Dawes for doing her job. YOU ISOLATED HER! I have never been so disappointed in you as I am today. She came to me with a concern and, based on what happened today, she was right! I don't know what Smurf said to you, but if he had a problem with her it was up to him to deal with it. You had no business getting involved and you CERTAINLY had no business in behaving as you did. You all need to have a good look at yourselves and decide whether you're kids or soldiers, because from where I'm standing you're well named as under-fives! You need to fucking grow up. Kinders – with me!"

And he was right. I'd acted like a five year old. I hadn't asked Dawes for her side of the story. I'd just believed Smurf and then started picking on her. What kind of a man am I? Am I one even? Particularly bearing in mind what happened in my childhood. I was picked on for being different and now I'd picked on Dawes for being different as well. Her job isn't my job – as she proved this afternoon. If it was my job to crawl across minefields to save people's lives I don't think I'd still be doing my job!

I've heard more experienced soldiers say that medics are a different breed but I didn't understand it until today. When she volunteered to crawl across that minefield with no detecting equipment, my eyes nearly bugged out. And it became clear when she shouted the Boss down that I'd fucked up. Smurf had implied she didn't give a shit about anyone else, but it was clear she did. Here was a woman who was willing to crawl across a minefield to save a fellow soldier, and then to be winched up with him to save his life again even though she was at risk of sniper fire. I'd misjudged her. And I'd done it because of Smurf.

As I crouched down by that riverbed this afternoon, I was in touching distance of the minefield. I was focused outward, trying to protect my fellow soldier who was risking her life, but I couldn't help but think about how I had behaved towards her. She was new to our group. She had tried her best to fit in and I had spent the past two days throwing that back in her face. I was ashamed.

Kinders asked me whether I've learnt anything from this and I have. Truth be told I've learnt several important lessons from this. Never get involved in your mates' arguments if you don't know all of what's happening - they're their arguments and I should have stayed out of it. Never be arsey with someone unless you have heard them behave badly – Smurf said all sorts of things about Molly that weren't true but I just swallowed them down hook line and sinker without thinking to check on them. Medics are a different breed and deserve our respect – I will never disrespect a medic again after what I've seen today. Molly Dawes is good people – I'll never forget that - now.

Now I just have to go and apologise to her and convince her I've learnt my lessons.