CH 8: With friends like these…..

Kodiak assault shuttle:

The shuttle ride back was silent. Normally after a mission Shepard and Garrus would spend the entire trip back winding each other up, playing there constant game.

This time neither of them said a word, they communicated with nods and grunts. Their attitude quickly spread to the rest of the team, killing any enthusiasm or energy.

Normally Miranda approved of silence, it let her think without distraction. Now though….it was unsettling, there was something conspicuous by its absence.

The shuttle touched down on the Normandy's flight deck and Shepard threw the hatch open, stalking off without a backwards glance.


Normandy SR-2:

"Welcome back commander how did it go" asked Joker over the com as they headed to the elevator.

"Not well" replied Shepard morosely, "I saw Williams."

"Ash?...but that's great", whooped the helmsman, Miranda winced.

"No its not" replied Shepard.

"Commander what…." began Joker.

"Joker just shut up" snapped Shepard angrily. He turned and looked at Miranda, "Full debrief, whole team, one hour, in the briefing room" he ordered, his words clipped and harsh.

Miranda nodded, "Understood Shepard" she replied, hiding her concern. Pissed off superiors she could deal with but there was more to this than anger. Shepard wasn't just acting angry. He wasn't acting like Shepard.

Without a word or a backward glance at the team Shepard marched off into the elevator. Miranda was about to follow when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She glanced up to see Garrus, "Give him some space Lawson" warned the Turian softly.

Miranda was about to tell the Turian where he could stick that advice when she noticed the look in his eyes. Anger and sadness but also concern.

Miranda weighed up the alternatives, "We don't have long Mr Vakarian, I need Shepard operational."

The Turian sighed, "Give him twenty four hours", Miranda paused then nodded slightly, "Alright but in twenty four hours and one second I'll drag his arse into the CIC and bloody well make him do his job."

She turned and walked away, using her irritation to hide her very real worry…..if Shepard was coming apart at the seams then they were in big trouble.


Shepard had not improved, quite the opposite. In the debriefing he'd been short tempered, dismissive and morose. Miranda was still feeling the pang of failure for not anticipating the turn of events and his actions only added to it, making her angry and depressed at the same time.

Then when it was over Shepard had ordered them all out and confronted her, "So much for security?" he'd snapped.

"What" she'd asked confused, unprepared for the question.

"That's what you said on Horizon, 'so much for security.' Tell me Ms Lawson does the Lazarus cell have a leak."

That had gotten to her, she'd felt it as a personal challenge to her competence, "No Shepard we damn well don't, I can keep control of my people, none of them have leaked anything regarding you or Cerberus."

Too late she'd realised by the grim smile on his face that he'd been expecting that answer.

"I believe you Lawson, you're a very competent spy. So if Alliance intel has reports that I'm working for Cerberus and they didn't come from this cell…..then they can only have come from one man."

"That's ridiculous" snapped Miranda, although a worm of doubt crept into her mind…..what he said made a certain amount of sense, but why would the Illusive Man…..no it must be a leak she missed, another one of her failures

"Is it, you said it yourself that Cerberus cells are completely independent, that only the Illusive man knows what's happening in different cells and none of your people have leaked anything….which leaves only one candidate."

Before she could respond he'd turned away, "So now it's time for me to have a little chat with your boss."

His conversation with the Illusive Man had been even worse. He hadn't invited her to this one, indeed he'd ordered them all out of the briefing room and looked the door, but she'd still heard it all curtesy of the numerous bugs in there.

He'd angrily remonstrated with the Illusive Man, questioning him on Ashley Williams, on the security leaks, on whether Cerberus had known there would be an attack on the colony.

To her shock and slight disgust thee Illusive Man revealed he had planned it…baiting the trap with a rumour that ensured Ashley Williams would be there and the Collectors would take an interest because of her connection to Shepard.

Shepard exploded, "You risked the life of my friend, my crew, an entire colony just to lure the collectors there."

The illusive man remained calm, "A calculated risk Shepard. I thought the Collectors were looking for you or people connected to you, now I know for certain and….."

"And hundreds of children will probably die as a result", snarled Shepard.

"Someone has to make the hard decisions Shepard, I will not wait while the Reapers and Collectors gather strength, besides they would have hit another colony eventually and without a way to predict which one they would have abducted everybody."

"One death is a tragedy a million is a statistic" snarled Shepard.

"Joseph Stalin, a brutal man but one who understood what needed to be done to survive in a hostile world" replied the Illusive Man.

"Only you would view him as a role model…..you know Miranda and Jacob think that information about Cerberus is need to know so if there caught they can't betray the whole organisation. I can't help thinking there might be another reason, what do you think they'd do if they knew the truth about everything Cerberus really does."

Shepard's words hit Miranda like a lightning bolt and made her sit up straight in her chair, leaning back from the monitor. Her emotions raged…..anger…..denial…outrage…..and doubt.

That tiny point of doubt in the back of her mind that refused to go away….Shepard could not be right….he couldn't….he wasn't.

The Illusive Man stayed cool, "I am confident in the loyalty of my people Shepard, I suggest you focus instead on building your team, I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega-four relay. There is no guarantee you'll return, to have any hope of survival you and your entire squad must be fully committed to this."

Shepard glared at him darkly, Miranda could make out his expression on her monitor, the same mask of anger he'd worn when he'd killed the gunship that had wounded Garrus.

"Let me be quite clear, you have just pissed away any good will I felt towards Cerberus, my commitment is to my team and to preventing genocide. But my friends are off limits, Ashley Williams is now living a charmed life, anything happens to her, anything at all and all bets are off and I come gunning for you."

He meant every word of it Miranda could see that, she needed to take steps in case something happened….even if she could understand his rage.

The Illusive man paused, took a drag of his cigarette then gestured at Shepard, "I've forwarded three more dossiers to you Shepard, keep building your squad while I find a way through the relay….and Shepard be careful, he Collectors will be hunting for you."

"Collectors I can deal with, it's the enemy I can't see that worries me", replied Shepard and he killed the transmission and stalked out.

Miranda disconnected the feed, put her head in her hands and through sheer force of will didn't vocalise the internal scream of frustration.

Why the bloody hell had she been left in the dark.

If she'd known she could have managed the plan, could have prevented the loss of the colonists and maintained Shepard's good will.

Hell with a bit of tweaking she would have been able to ensure Cerberus was responsible for saving Ashley William's life and Shepard would feel forever in their debt.

Instead….weeks or work….wasted.

Now she had to deal with a pissed off CO who's motivations were as problematic as ever and a boss who apparently didn't think she needed to know about half the operation she was running.

The big question was what would Shepard do next.


The answer wasn't long in coming, she opened up her connection to his email account to find a message from Ashley Williams, as if she hadn't caused enough complications.

Subject: Hey there.

Shepard-

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. When I lost you two years ago, it tore me up. I prayed for you every day. I read a lot of Tennyson, thinking about you, just like I did when my dad passed. And then you came back, and it was like my prayers were answered. But I'm not who I was then, and neither are you.

I don't know what's true anymore. Part of me can't believe it's really you. I keep going back to that night before Ilos, our night... I haven't let myself think about those memories in over a year.

I wouldn't have expected you to work for Cerberus, but I know why they sent you to Horizon. I saw how many people were lost there, and if anyone can stop the Collectors, you can. I can't go where you're going, but I can wish you luck.

Just stay alive out there... Skipper. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't lose you a second time.

-Ash

Death closes all: but something ere the end
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.

...

Shepard's response was just as heartfelt but not nearly as poetic.

...

Ashley,

Don't kid yourself we always have a choice and you made yours. Blame the brass, the alliance, blame me if it makes you feel better. Bottom line I need you and you aren't here for me. I don't know if I can succeed at this, I'm making this shit up as I go along but I do know you just lengthened my odds.

I didn't expect a poetic reunion, I'd hoped you moved on, you don't deserve to be miserable and grieve for me and I hope you found someone who made you happy, I really do.

But I don't deserve to be left out in the cold to fend for myself.

I never asked you to take me back, just to stand by me when the time came because we both know that when you get past the media circus and the bullshit I'm just one man and I can't do this alone…..I'm nothing without my friends.

Stay safe Ashley but don't try to contact me….there's nothing left to say.

James Shepard.

...

Miranda felt one of the migraines that were rapidly becoming a feature of her association with Shepard. She hoped this might be an end to it but in her heart she knew otherwise, the only question was what form would the break down take.


She got her answer late that evening.

She'd decided to trust Vakarian's judgement and give Shepard some space but had kept a close eye on him through the surveillance network.

He'd spent most of the day in the cargo hold doing a heavy work out, pushing his body hard including literally beating the stuffing out of the heavy bag Jacob had hung….that made Miranda's eyebrows rise.

Then he'd showered and spent time in his cabin, surfing the extranet, seemingly looking up old marine colleagues, but not attempting to make contact with them.

Miranda had already eaten in her office and was working through some reports while listening to Mozart when suddenly her com bleeped urgently.

"Uhhh Miranda, Garrus its Kasumi…..can one of you come to my quarters….sort of nowish…..there's a problem with Shep."


Miranda was out of her chair in a flash striding purposefully through her office door and towards the Port Observation lounge.

Behind her there was a thumping sound and Garrus Vakarian appeared from the main battery at a run, "I've got this Lawson, it's not your concern….",he snapped.

"Everything that happens on this ship and to Commander Shepard is my concern Vakarin", she interrupted.


They opened the door together and looked inside.

Kassumi was standing there by the bar, looking very worried, a broken bottle lay on the floor, blue alcohol pooling on the deck.

Shepard was slumped in a chair by the bar, a red bottle in his hand and a row of shot glasses in front of him.

Kasumi looked at them, relieved, "He's not good, he dropped one bottle and wont give me the other one."

Miranda strode forward a cold expression on her face…..she'd bought Shepard back to be a hero not a drunken loser.

Suddenly she felt a hand descend on her shoulder, the grip hard, "Lawson let me" barked Garrus.

Very slowly she turned to look the Turian in the eyes, very calmly and coldly with an undercurrent of danger in her voice she said, "Mr Vakarian….take your hand off my shoulder….now."

Garrus let go, clearly conscious that he was on thin ice and spoke softly, "He's my friend and he's hurting, I'm going to help him…..please Miranda let me take care of him."

It was the please that gave here pause, made her decide to risk it. With a sigh and sure she would regret it Miranda gestured, "You have ten minutes then I will sober him up with my biotics."

Garrus nodded and walked over to Shepard.


Shepard was leaning on the bar, staring at a whiskey tumbler brimming with red liquid and six empty shot glases. He didn't look up at Garrus when he stepped in front of him.

I think I've got it brother" he said his voice thick with alcohol.

"Got what" asked Garrus.

"The….ana…all…alanogy…the thing like the thing" replied Shepard.

He tipped the whiskey tumbler and filled each of the glasses in turn, showing surprising dexterity considering he could barely talk.

"See this is me….this glass" Shepard said holding up the tumbler. "It looks impressive but its empty….all show" he banged the tumbler down hard. "What's important is what went in it…..these six…..let me introduce you."

He held up the first shot glass, "Urdnot Wrex" he said and knocked back the shot, putting the glass back on the bar and taking the next one.

"Liara T'Soni", back went the second one, the empty shot glass went to the bar next to the first.

"Tali'Zorah nar Rayya" the third one went back and the glass joined the line on the bar.

He stopped and picked up the forth one and held it for a long moment, "Kaidan Alenko" he said eventually, his voice thick with sorrow, and deliberately held out the glass and dropped it to the floor where it shattered.

"For Christ sake Shep I live here" snapped Kasumi.

Garrus held up a hand, "Please Kasumi I know he's being a dick but just give me a second."

Shepard didn't seem to have heard….he picked up the second to last shot and held it up for a long time and spoke slowly, "Ashely…Williams" he said and knocked back the shot putting the glass on the bar with the others.

He picked up the last shot and held it in front of Garrus's face, "This…this is you….Garrus Vakarian…..friend…..brother…..once you're gone, I'm gone, there's nothing left."

Garrus took the shot off of him and put it down on the bar, "I'm not going anywhere."

Shepard didn't seem to have heard him, he stared at the empty whiskey tumbler.

"See that's all I am…without my friends there's not much left of me…..just an empty glass, no substance…..no content…no use to anyone."

Miranda watched quietly, trying to work out what to do. It seemed that Shepard could face down the terrors of deep space and brush it off with a laugh but when it came to his friends….his Achilles heel. Get close to people and thy will screw you, even if it was by accident like her and Jacob. The man who had been too good for her, too pure and who when she rejected she'd felt like an utter bitch. No, better off alone wasn't just a moto it was words to live by.

Garrus walked around in front of Shepard, took the glass from him and set it down. "Have you quite finished wallowing in self-pity you asshole" he snarled.

Shepard tried to respond but Garrus held up a talon, "No you listen carefully Shepard. Do you remember what we were like at the start of the hunt for Saren huh? A rouge C-Sec officer, a biotic with self-confidence issues, a Quarian with a compulsive need to prove herself, a Krogan orphaned from everything but his hate, an Asari scientist with no clue about the real world and a marine with a dreadnought size chip on her shoulder.

You took us, you moulded us, you helped us when we needed it, you protected us from our enemies and you made us become friends, hell you turned a Turian and a Korgan into drinking buddies. Six outcasts from five species and you bought us all together, turned us into a team that could take down the Geth, Saren, even Sovereign."

Garrus paused and looked at his friend, "Yes Williams walked away from you, she was wrong to do it. Yes Kadien died, not his fault but it leaves you weakened, yes you'll need help. But you've got me and you'll build a new team."

"How Garrus….how do I do that" asked Shepard.

"I've no idea, that's your job" replied Garrus reaching for a fresh stack of shot glasses and placing them on the table upside down and empty in front of Shepard, naming each one.

"So…..the psychopath…..the hired killer…..the thief…the berserker…the boy scout…the ice queen…..the vigilante."

He picked up the empty whiskey tumbler and placed it in front of Shepard with a sharp tap, "The boss" he said firmly, "Your job it to fill those glasses, to add more, to bring us together as one, to make us more than the sum of our parts."

Shepard looked at Garrus then looked away, "What makes you so sure I can pull this off" he asked softly.

"Because I've seen you in action Shepard….you don't have to try to do something you just…..do it. I believe in you, so don't you dare shatter the last illusion I have of something real in this screwed up galaxy."

Shepard sighed, hung his head….then nodded.

"Alright brother…..I'll do it….for you and for the others, god help me."

He opened his eye and blinked, "First though….I think I might have had a little too much….unless there really are two of you."

Garrus snorted, "The universe couldn't manage two such specimens of physical perfection. Now you're going to bed to sleep this off and when you wake up you're going to apologies humbly to everyone but especially Kasumi for being a colossal prick."

Shepard nodded, "Yeah…..sure….now though sleep" and he collapsed on the bar.

Garrus walked round, got one of Shepard's arms over his shoulder and half carried, half dragged him towards the door, "I'll put him to bed then come back and clear up Kasumi, Lawson…thank you."

Miranda was still scowling but nodded automatically at that thank you, surprised the turian had bothered. Then Shepard as led out for the room and towards the elevator, mumbling quietly.


Miranda glanced behind her and saw the broken bottle, it offended her sense of order and she stooped to pick up the broken shards.

"Thanks, glad you guys came when you did, poor guy was in a real mess" said Kasumi kneeling down next to Miranda and helping her pick up the broken glass.

Miranda shrugged then frowned, "Careful you'll cut your fingers."

"So will you" replied Kasumi.

Miranda smirked and gestured to her gloved fingers, "This suit's spun with Kevlar weaves reinforced with titanium micro filaments."

Kasumi grinned and held up her gloves, "So are these" she replied, "Girls got to have the right accessories right."

Miranda raised an eyebrow, "You don't seem to have much trouble in that regard" replied gesturing round the room at the antiques.

Kasumi didn't take offense, in fact she grinned wider, "Oh these they're just status symbols, trinkets, it's not about the pay-out it's about the hunt. Don't worry, I only take things from people who deserve it, your antique clocks safe Miri.

Miranda looked up in astonishment at the grinning thief…..no one gave her a nick name….well not to her face. She was about to admonish her when Garrus came in and helped to finish cleaning up and she decided to drop it, not point in giving it wings.


One they we're finished cleaning up they walked out together and outside in the corridor Garrus stopped and turned to face her, "Thank you Lawson….he needed to make that jump, get his confidence back.

Miranda shrugged, "I need him operational Mr Vakarian, I don't care how it's done but he can't be allowed to fall apart again like that."

Garrus looked at her and frowned, "Shepard's mortal Lawson, he has weak spots, things don't often get to him but when they do they hit him hard, that's what I'm here for."

Miranda sighed and looked at him, "Vakarian you're an excellent sniper, a strong tactician and a valuable asset so I hope you won't take offense when I say I wish we'd never found you."

"Now why would I take offense at that" replied Garrus sarcastically.

Miranda shook her head, "You're not the issue, Shepard is. Your right he does have weaknesses, his friends. If this little spat with Chief Williams has torn him up what will happen if you get killed, he'll go to pieces and we can't afford that."

Garrus looked at her for a moment then seemed to come to a decision, "Tell me Lawson, how do you judge yourself….by your achievements, by your failures, by the opinions of your Illusive Man?"

Miranda glared at him, "I fail to see the relevance."

Garrus sighed, "The point is James Shepard rarely gives a shit what others think, I once saw him toss a medal he felt he hadn't earned into the sea, he basis his decisions on the consequences, on what matters, on what he knows is right. But there is one thing that's even more important to him….his friends. He thinks the measure of a man is what he will do for his friends, what they think of him.

To Shepard the fight on the Citadel wasn't victory because we beat Saren and Sovereign, it was a victory because we all came back. To him Virmire will only ever be a total failure because although the soldier in him knows it had to happen that way, the man will never forgive himself for losing Kadien."

Miranda nodded, "My point exactly….we need him focused on the big picture, he can't be compromised by concern for a friend."

"My point is he will focus on the big picture….not because of the strategic implications but because he won't disappoint his friends. He'll fight and he'll win for us."

Miranda wasn't convinced, "What if he stumbles again Vakarian."

Garrus shrugged, "He won't, Williams may have hurt him but she's not a bitch, she won't twist the knife just for kicks."

"But what if he does" asked Miranda pointedly.

Garrus smiled, "Then he'll have his friends to draw strength from…..that's why I'm staying Lawson, not because I can shoot, because Shepard will never fail if I'm here to give him motivation. He'd fight any enemy in the galaxy to protect the innocent, but he'd descend into hell itself to help a friend."

"Fine but then we're back to my original point, any of us could be killed on this mission, what happens if it's you."

Garrus smiled grimly, "Then you've as good as one this war, the last time someone killed a friend of James Shepard's he destroyed an army of Geth, a rogue Specter and a damn reaper."

He smiled at Miranda's cynical expression, "What did you think he was doing all that for the good of the galaxy? He went after Saren as hard as he did to get revenge for Kadien, hell hath no fury like James Shepard out for vengeance."


The next morning Miranda's surveillance bugs gave her plenty of warning when Shepard was up, she looked at the feed from his quarters…he did not look well.

Slowly, painfully, he showered, dressed and headed down to the mess, curious she logged off and stepped out of the office as Shepard emerged from the elevator.

He tiptoed across to the counter, and very carefully made himself coffee so strong she thought it might eat through the mug.

"Morning Commander" barked Gardener cheerfully.

Shepard physically flinched in pain, "…..Morning Gardener" he managed after a little while and unusually didn't stop to talk but retreated to a table, sat down, put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

"Morning Shepard, how's the head this morning…..sore" asked Garrus Vakarian loudly as he emerged from the forward battery with a grin.

Shepard winced again, "I…..you….oh shut up" he managed weakly before covering his head in his hands.

Garrus grinned, "You know what they say Shepard, if you try and drink like a Krogan be prepared to feel like one kicked you in the head."

"Lawson….could you please shoot me" asked Shepard miserably.

"Oh no, you don't get off that easily" replied Garrus.

Shepard sighed, "Your right."

He stood up and raised his voice, "Listen in please."

The mess went quite, everyone turned to face the CO.

Shepard sighed, "I want to apologise for treating you all like crap over the last day. I'm sure the scuttlebutt has done its job and you all know I had a reunion with an old friend on Horizon….it did not go well. However that's no excuse for me behaving like a jackass towards my crew, far too often people get defensive and don't admit when they were screwed up. I screwed up and I'm sorry."

He paused to let that sink in and glanced around, "In particular….Kas where are you."

"Here Shepard" replied the thief as she de-cloaked a few placed down.

Shepard smiled, "Kasumi I sincerely and humbly apologies for acting like a jerk…."

"I believe the specific words were 'a colossal prick'" cut in Garrus.

Shepard sighed and carried on, "For acting like a 'colossal prick', getting drunk and messing up your quarters. Thank you for looking after me and not kicking my drunken ass out of the nearest airlock which I'm sure I richly deserved."

Kassumi looked at him and nodded, "Apology accepted Shep…..but next time I get drunk I'm coming up to your quarters and puking in your fish tank."

"Well someone should probably feed the poor bastards at some point" replied Shepard grinning.

There were a few chuckles and Shepard smiled, "Thank you everyone…..it won't happen again."

As talking in the mess, much more cheerfully he said something to Garrus and they gripped each other's fore arms hard. Then Shepard turned and walked over to Miranda.

"Can I have a word Ms Lawson", she nodded and gestured and they went into her office.


"I'm sorry" as the first thing he said when they entered.

Miranda snorted, "About last night? Shepard I worked undercover in a bar in Omega….you were a disgrace but hardly noteworthy by comparison."

Shepard smiled, "Well that's good to know, but I meant about being a bastard to you all day yesterday and especially about leaving you out of the meeting with the Illusive Man, it was wrong and worse hypocritical of me."

Miranda paused, she had not been expecting that, "Your in charge Shepard, command decisions are your prerogative."

Shepard snorted, then winced and held his head and sat down. "Oh god….anyway that's fine on paper but I need you to carry on doing what you're doing Lawson. Some of the time…..most of the time, I may decide to ignore you advice but that doesn't mean I don't value it. I respect you opinions and abilities as I hope you respect mine."

"I have every respect for your abilities, Shepard. It's your motivations that concern me" she replied coolly. "I'm concerned your devotion to your people may blind you to the big picture."

Shepard shrugged, "It's possible…..but it was my devotion to my team that got me through the fight with Saren….it's what I'm prepared to die for if necessary."

Miranda looked away out of the window, "That won't do anybody any good."

Shepard grinned, "Well then I'll worry about the team….you worry about me and between us we'll all come back."

Miranda snorted, "I wish it was that simple."

"Sometimes it is" replied Shepard softly standing to leave, "I'll see you later and thanks for giving me some space to get my head straight…I won't let you down Miranda."