Hope you are all enjoying this. Thank you for your kind words.
When Kate Heightmeyer said, "Come in!" she felt her mouth gape open when Major Sheppard walked into the room. He sauntered in, hands in pockets and gave her a brief smile.
"Major Sheppard," she stuttered and gestured to a chair opposite her.
"Okay, I'm here," he said sitting very slowly. His hand found his side and he winced.
"Are you okay?" she asked leaning forward slightly.
He nodded, "Yeah just twinges now and again." He shifted in his seat.
"You know why you're here?" she asked reaching into a filing cabinet and pulling out a hefty file on him.
"Yeah. So uh, how does this work?"
"Lets start with the most recent events. Kolya."
"Rat bastard," said John quickly, "Next topic."
"Major, if you're not going to take this seriously then I suggest you leave before you waste both of our time," she said with a shake of her head.
"I'm taking this seriously," lied John. What he really wanted was to get this out of the way so he could go back on duty and get some semblance of normality back. "I take getting certified sane so I can get back to doing my job extremely seriously."
"I understand your reluctance to talk. It's natural to want to plead ignorance and get on with your life, but it's not healthy."
"Lt Blake died as a result of an impossible situation."
"Which you feel responsible for," said Kate.
He shifted in his seat again to find a comfortable position, "I am responsible," he said wringing his hands together, "But then military life expectancy isn't that high Doctor. I'm used to it."
"How do you keep everything bottled up?" she asked getting up and walking around to sit on the edge of her desk.
John looked up at her and she could see a bruise that marred his strong jaw line.
"I don't bottle. I just don't need to talk about it like some people."
"You need some kind of outlet," said Kate.
"Outlet huh?"
"I'm serious Major."
"I stick fight, I exercise, go to the shooting range-"
"- so you release your stress in violent outbursts."
John smiled and then stood up to walk over to the window, "You're twisting my words. Look just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean I don't care, or that I'm not coping. What do you want me to cry or something?" he asked shoving his hands into his pockets.
"When was the last time you cried?" asked Kate.
John let out a short laugh and then turned to her with an expression of 'are you serous?' and then shrugged, "I don't remember, probably when we lost the super bowl," he joked.
He heard Kate sigh from behind him, "I know you're a private person but-"
"Look it. Atlantis needs a strong leader. By moving on I show everyone that everything will be okay." He looked out towards the horizon, "You've let Elizabeth back on duty," he stated.
"I cant discuss my other cases, but I can tell you she has shown a healthy response to Lt Blake's death which suggests to me she can move on."
"Healthy response?" questioned John, "There's nothing healthy about it."
"You are being deliberately evasive," she said reaching for his file and looking through it.
"I am fine," he said, "And I'm not in denial." He thought for a second and then added, "And don't say I'm in denial for saying I'm not in denial."
Kate raised an eyebrow at him.
John turned to her, "We're not going to get anywhere," he said bringing his hand up to his head.
"I want to try something with you. Have you heard of regressive hypnotherapy?"
John nodded, "You gonna swing a big stopwatch in front of my face and tell me I'm sleepy. Very, very sleepy?"
"It's a method of relaxation which often warrants positive results. It allows the mind to remember certain forgotten events."
"I don't think so."
"Major, If the results prove productive then I might just assign you back to duty."
John thought about it for a moment and realised that without Kate's consent Carson would never let him back on duty, especially if he happened to read Bates report.
He nodded and Kate asked him to lie back on the couch.
"Okay Major," she said sitting in a chair beside him, "Are you ready?"
He settled back and closed his eyes, "Just don't go making me act like a chicken or something."
Kate smiled, "Okay I want you to close your eyes. Allow your shoulders, your hands, your legs to feel weightless. Allow your mind to drift over the events of the past few weeks."
Getting to a point of relaxation wasn't going to be an easy task.
"Concentrate on my voice. If I tap your hand you will wake up."
"This isn't going to work."
"Major."
"Okay," he said and concentrated on relaxing and breathing slowly.
"What do you see?"
"Nothing,"
"Your not trying, you need to release everything. You need to free yourself from every thought and feeling."
It took a while before Kate was convinced that the Major had reached the sufficient level of calm required for the process to be effective.
"What do you see now?"
"Blake's dead," he said.
They were pushed into the cell and both stumbled to the floor.
John reached round and grabbed Elizabeth by the arm and hugged her close as she continued to stifle the sobs which wracked her body. John just stared up at Kolya as Blake's body was dropped down into the cell with them.
"We'll give you some time alone," said Kolya looking at his watch, "And then we'll be back. Like I said I've got plans for you two."
The door was slammed shut and John held Elizabeth even more tightly, "Don't look," he said into her hair. She kept her head against his chest.
He just sat and stared across the room to Blake's open lifeless eyes.
John jerked his eyes open and found himself scrambling up into a sitting position, "What the…," he rubbed at his eyes and felt his face was slick with tears.
"It's okay, " said Kate reaching out to him, "I had to bring you out of it. You were getting distressed."
John stood up shakily and felt the renewed pain in his head as he weaved towards the door, "We're done" he said wiping at his face.
"Major, we were just getting somewhere. Please stay and try again."
"I said we're done," he shouted and hit the door release button.
When it swung open he was confronted by Rodney. The last person he wanted to see at that point in time.
"Ah Major, finally you've seen sense," he said.
John pushed passed him, "Leave it Rodney," he said and started to walk down the hallway.
Rodney proceeded to follow him, "What's wrong? You been crying or something?" he joked.
He was about to reel off another snide remark when he felt himself being pushed up against the wall with force. John was gripping his shirt and angrily gave him a shove, "I suggest you stop following me." He released Rodney and walked off down the corridor.
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Regressing back all those weeks ago had unlocked some dormant part of John's brain and now all he could see was those eyes and hear Elizabeth's sobs.
Sleeping had been a bust. He had simply tossed and turned until he had grown so frustrated he had thrust his pillow across the room and broken a lamp on his desk.
It was late now and John stumbled down the empty corridors using his hands to steady himself against the walls. He stopped momentarily to take in a deep breathe as another dizzy spell made his stomach spin.
He leant against the wall and then slid down it slowly to a seating position. He activated his radio and took a deep breath, "Comms"
"Yes Sir," the voice returned calmly.
"Could you put me on a private line to Doctor Weir?"
"Yes sir. Connecting you now."
"Elizabeth?" he asked rubbing at his eyes. He was not feeling too good right now and it was even worse knowing that it was self inflicted.
"John?" The sleepy voice croaked.
"Did I wake you?"
"What's wrong?" she asked. He could hear the sounds of ruffling in the background and realised he had indeed woken her.
"I went to see Heightmey…Heightmeyer," he said very slightly slurred.
"I heard," there was a brief pause, "Are you okay John?"
"Peachy," he answered and drew his legs up to his chest. "Blake was put in the cell with us after we were taken inside. Do you remember that?"
There was silence over the line and John thought that she had switched off.
"No," she stated.
"I do. It must have only been an hour, but I remember sitting there and looking at him for that hour. You know he was still bleeding out onto the floor?"
"John, you're scaring me."
"What do you remember?"
"I don't…well nothing crucial. Just shapes, feelings."
"Something's wrong Liz. Is it just me?"
"Did you call me Liz?"
"Something is wrong," he repeated. He could feel himself fading fast and he had to tell her something before he passed out or forgot, "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from that…….I was scared,"
"John where are you, you sound funny," she said hurried.
"Eliz……"he licked his lips, "I was scared because I might lose you and-"
"John, John?"
There was silence for a long time and then her earpiece crackled as a new radio connected to their line.
"Elizabeth, its Rodney I've found John passed out in a corridor. I'm going to get him to the infirmary."
Elizabeth didn't have to think twice. She pulled on her clothes and ran.
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Elizabeth ran into the infirmary and stopped herself just in time before she bumped into Rodney.
"How is he?" she asked and he gave her a shrug.
The sound of John retching bought her to attention and she looked over to see him sprawled out in the bed, leaning over the side and bringing up his lunch.
Carson was patting him on the back, "That's it," he said handing John a basin, "Get it all out."
"Carson?" asked Elizabeth from a distance. Already the room was beginning to reek.
Carson gave Johns shoulder a squeeze as he lost the battle with his stomach again and then walked over to them.
"Zelenka's moonshine," he said simply glancing back to where John was cursing.
"He's drunk?" asked Elizabeth crossing her arms.
"Kate said he was liable to react like this," said Carson, "Apparently he wasn't willing to let anything go at their session."
"He's certainly letting something go now," said Rodney bringing up a hand to his mouth as he felt his own stomach do a somersault.
They all turned to John lying sprawled out on the bed, eyes closed hand over his stomach. He cracked an eye open to see them and waved them away, "Stop staring at me," he shouted before turning green again.
"I'll keep him in for overnight observation and to get some fluids into him." said Carson.
"We'll have to talk to him tomorrow," said Rodney, "He can't go on like this."
"It's not like him. Usually these things don't hit him so hard." Said Elizabeth.
"Only because they have obviously been building up," said Carson.
"Can I talk to him before I go?" asked Elizabeth and Carson nodded.
A nurse was already mopping up the floor and the strong smell of disinfectant assaulted her nose as she approached the bed.
John had his hand up to his head and he muttered a weak, "Sorry,"
"Oh John,"
"Look a sorry state huh?" he questioned, "I was just gonna have a nightcap to help me sleep, but one turned into two and……it wont happen again." He said, "Oh my head is spinning."
"Zelenka's moonshine is pretty potent," said Elizabeth, "We'll talk about this when you're feeling better,"
John reached for her hand and squeezed it before bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it, "You are a good woman," he said eyes slipping closed.
"You're drunk" she said pulling her hand away.
He wouldn't let it go yet and he mumbled, "I meant what I said before,"
"About something not being right?"
"Cant explain but my head feels funny,"
"Get some rest John,"
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TBC
