Anytime you see a '...' its switching from Erins Point of View to Maddie's.
Dedicated to everyone who missed this.
Erin's P.O.V.
"Erin! ErinErinErinERINNNNNNNNNN!" The overly excited voice grates painfully against my nerves. I am tired and cranky and sore and Jay's all sunshine and roses and I can. not. DEAL WITH IT.
"Oh my GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" I'm fricken cooking pasta for christs sake.
"Get your camera!"
The spoon lands on the floor, sauce going everywhere, but I'm sprinting up the stairs, snatching my phone from the charger and sliding (literally- socked feet on hardwood stairs) down the stairs. Opening the correct app, I move into the living room where an extremely proud Dad is watching Maddie grip the coffee table.
I hit record, and a feeling not unlike one gets when watching their favorite sports team about to go for a game winning score come over me. She looks up when she see me. Her eyes are wide, face shocked at my sudden appearance.
"Come're Mads." Jay, seated on the floor, back against the wall with his legs spread apart, hold up his arms and beckons. Maddie face morphs into something akin to doubt and annoyance (if that's possible) and look at me as if to say "You seein this guy? Hes crazy." Our kid has gotten increasingly talented at facial expression. Especially her 'Seriously?' face. I blame Jay wholeheartedly.
"Go on." I manage, trying desperately not to laugh. The little tot focuses her attention back to Jay and starts to shuffle a little bit, moving her socked feet slightly. She quickly runs out of ground however, seeing as the coffee table ends.
"Come on Maddie." I whisper, more to myself. She's like two feet from Jay.
Walkwalkwalkwalkwalk- I chant to myself and then
One step. Then another. And suddenly the little feet are awkwardly moving them selves across the floor…right past Jay...and straight to me.
Little hands cling to my leg as I start wheezing with laughter, my camera catching every bit of Jay's crushed face, even as he slowly dissolves into laughter as well.
My wheezes turn into a giant barks of laughter as I put down my phone, picking up my blond haired girl and planting her on the plushy couch.
"Did...did you see…the look she had?!" Halstead glares at me, my sentence still punctuated by laughter. I've almost snorted once or twice. He catches the little hellion before she can take a dive into the bookshelf.
"So not fair." He grumbles.
"You just got curved by a ten month old!" I cry, bending at the waist and grabbing the couch as my knees go weak. I haven't laughed this hard in so long. My throat hurts I'm so into it.
"I did not!" I slide to the floor giggling and snorting at the pure betrayal in his voice. Only Jay would be so offended by his daughter's first steps.
"Momma!" The cry comes to my left and around the couch, all smiles and giggles until her little legs give out and she lands on her knees. The little bundle does not stop smiling though. She likes to laugh and smile if other people are doing it too, even if she doesn't know why.
"Come'ere bug!" A sharp squeal echoes in the room as I scoop her up,standing while flying her in a tight circle to come to rest on my hip. I smile at her then look at Jay who's still on the floor with his arms crossed.
"Awww...is Daddy pouting?" Another glare, this time accompanied by a mutter.
"What was that?" I exaggerate the question, glancing at Mads who looks between the two of us, obviously trying to understand why she isn't the center of attention any more.
"Nothing!"
"Uh huh. Well. Us grown ups are going to finish making dinner. Pick up your toys when you're done."
"Bye mom! Bye dad!"
"Bye sweetheart!" The little legs carry her up the bus steps one at a time, one hand holding the railing, the other an Avengers lunch box that she picked out specifically for this purpose. The black doors squeal closed, and as the bus pulls off I can see her planting herself right next to Sophie, already chatting away.
"Not even a hint of nervousness." Jay comments, sounding almost jealous. I nod, still staring after the bus.
"Kindergarten."
"Yeah."
"Kindergarten." I turn to Jay, a disgusted look on my face.
"What?"
"We're so old."
…
"Where'd you get that?" I turn towards Alex who sits across from me.
"Found it at the thrift shop. The one next to the awesome book store we went to for Kaylas birthday party."
"Seriously?" Anger and fear bubble in my tummy, and I wait for the jab about going to a thrift shop. Just because other people don't want stuff doesn't mean it's not good. There's a tiny dent in one corner and the inside is not super shiny anymore, but its got iron man and captain America on it and I like it.
"That's so cool! I'm totally asking my mom to take me there. I want a lunch box like that!" The anger disappears and I smile.
"Tell your mom to ask my dad where it is."
"Duh." He turns around to talk to Dustin. Sophie taps my shoulder.
"Your dad took you shopping?!"
"Yup." I smile, satisfied by her awe.
"He's awesome."
"Yeah. He is."
"Daddy?" I jerk my head around, seeing Maddie standing there with the door open, holding onto the handle. Her eyes are wide, staring at Jays thrashing form.
"Maddie go to your room!" I yell, a lot meaner and more harsh than I'd like.
"But-"
"Maddison NOW!" I screech, doing my best to hold Jay down as he sobs. The little girl sprints off, probably already crying. My panic and fear returns me to my husband though, a sharp gasp alerting me to his presence in the conscious world.
Eyes are wide, pupils dilated, barely seeing anything, he still gasps air, and the crushing realization of returning to reality does nothing to help him.
"Shh, shh it's okay, I'm okay, Maddie's okay. We're all okay." I speak softly as I pull him towards me, his sobs renewing as he curls into my chest. Something we have in common, if not a horrible notion, is that after the dream is just as bad as during it, and that only close contact can seem to calm us down.
Just a bunch of crazy in the same little pot. The problem is, we have a daughter now. And I know how badly this is going to hurt him, to know that his daughter saw him as anything but strong.
"We're okay." I keep whispering. "We're gonna be okay."
…
I fling myself into my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest and sobbing.
What's wrong with him?
What if he's dying?! Was that a seizure?! We learned about those in health last week, they can be deadly - or - or a sign of something life threatening.
What if that's the last time I see him alive?!
"Dad!" I scream into my pillow, still sobbing. This is bad. This is so bad. Mom was crying and she never cries. Dad was crying to. He looked like he was in so much pain-
Terror and pain fill me, making my stomach turn to ice and my heart want to break.
My chest heaves for breath and I sob harder.
"Do you understand what that means?!"
"Yeah Erin, I think I fucking do, seeing as I was deployed in a god damn war!" He roars, anger flooding his voice.
"Exactly! How can you be okay with this if you know what it's like?! She's your daughter-
"You think I don't know that?! You think I want this for her?! I don't! I don't want her to come home fucked up like I did, I don't want to see her fall like everyone else did! I don't want to have to bury my only daughter Erin, but I will not change her!" The roar is something unexpected, but it cuts through my anger and fear, enough to listen to him.
It's quiet, and we breath for a few seconds.
"I don't want her hurt. I don't want you hurt either. But going into the military, serving your country? It's not our choice. It's not anyone's but hers. I cannot tell her, that that thing she feels, that need to protect others and fight for herself and her country is nothing. It's not. It's a part of her just like it was a part of me. She has her reasons. We don't have the right to change that."
"I don't want her hurt." I sniff, tears still flowing down my face. It feels like everything's emptying, like I'm losing her while she's still here, and I can't, I can't lose her.
Jays eyes soften.
"Erin...what you're doing now, is worse. There is nothing about that girl that is wrong or damaged. I don't care if she wants to be a cop or a therapist or a fucking teacher, I'll never stop loving her, no matter what she decides. And if going into the Navy is what she wants to do, then I'm going to support her."
"What if...what if…" I sob. "What if it changes her?" She could come home, and not be her anymore. What if they change her personality, what if she-
"Erin." Jay walks forward, wrapping me in a hug. "She is always going to be your daughter. And let me tell you, she is the last person to let anything change her if she doesn't want it. And she's not going to forget herself either. She'll always be your daughter."
…
Neither of them knew of the teen outside their closed door. Neither of them saw her smile through her slowly drying tears.
So I low key switched to third person for the last two sentences...
Also I have the next chapter of this already written, so it'll be up in a few days...
To my New England fans- BUT THAT CATCH THO!
Review!
