Let me indulge in Pottermath (you'll see more below): Reviewers of this parody = incalculable awesomeness. (Well, maybe it is calculable. I'm not much good at mathematics.)

Several people have mentioned Harry's characterization. The poor little bastard is pretty much doomed to his "drama queen" stereotype-and I feel this is mostly the fault of the movies. Really, in the book series-OotP aside-I think the kid actually takes an awful lot in stride-assertively, but very well because of that (and yes, I don't really mind his emotional moments-or, as I think of them, "the times he reminds me that he's a human being and not just narrator's POV chap." So in this parody Harry does tend to be bipolar: either the reactive punching bag of a strange world (a more accurate parody of canon, I think) or self-centered emo brat (too embedded in the HP parody tradition for me to properly break away, though I don't think it actually sheds much light on what's making these books tick).

But then this is true of all the characters-I'm not bothering to keep them too consistent; they will act in whichever way furthers the latest joke.

I should mention that, upon rereading, this struck me as a fabulous chapter, maybe the best in the book. Makes me really wish that Rowling would go ahead and write something else, as I would definitely buy it. Cool pacing, excellent handle on loads of characters. Some of it is fluffy and indulgent, of course, but it's the fluffy and indulgent that an author earns at the end of a long and meticulous series. And the description of the ceremony itself was actually one of the sweetest things I've read in ages. I was a shameless sucker for "glowing" Fleur.

So yeah, it was pretty difficult to make fun of. But somehow I soldiered on.


Chapter Eight – Weddings Are Hell


HARRY, RON, FRED, AND HIS HOLEYNESS: Wow, weddings are so boring when you're ushers. If only something exciting would happen. Like a battle! Ha, just joking. Maybe.


THE GREAT, WILY PLAN TO CONCEAL HARRY FROM ALL THE NON-SECURITY-CLEARED RELATIVES, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THOSE MASTERMINDS OF INTELLIGENCE IN THE ORDER: is, quite seriously, to make him redheaded and trust to the usual tendencies of extended families to not be able to keep track of all the cousins.

THE WEDDING COLORS: are gold and white in a desperate attempt to not step on Hogwarts House-toes.

FRED: Allow me now to make a wiseacre about my own never-to-happen-marriage that will totally kill the happy mood for all my fans whenever they reread this book.

FANS DURING EVERY RE-READ: :-(

GEORGE: Oh, yeah—prat Percy. No reason to bring him up, just reminding those "casual readers" (bless them) that he exists. Oh, look, pimped-out wizard guests!

WIZARD GUESTS: *really, really like their bling*


TWINS: *immediately tussle over who gets to escort veela cousins to the seats*

GEORGE: I saw her first!

FRED: My fake French is faker than your fake French!

FRED: *wins*

MIZ PARODY LADY: *presumes that Fred was not much help for the rest of guest-seating*


HARRY: Oh look, Order-type guests. As opposed to those wretched relative-type guests.

TONKS: Hi, Harry!

HARRY: Uncharacteristic blond hair you've got there.

TONKS: Apparently I have passive-aggressive feelings toward Fleur, and, as a Metamorphagus, can do a lot worse than bitchily copy her shoes on her big day.

HARRY: A-ha. And *undertone and gesture* is he… er… time of the month… ?

TONKS: Oh yeah, well, you know my hubby. Always bringing the par-tay!

HAGRID: Oh wait, I had a specially assigned chair?

NON-SPECIALLY ASSIGNED CHAIRS: *crash*


READERS: Eccentric-looking wizard named Xenophilius… oh, this must be Luna's father, of course.

XENOPHILIUS: I am singlehandedly quadrupling the number of times teenaged creative writers use the one-word adjective "candyfloss"!

XENOPHILIUS: … also I know langua Latina that is even more canine than most in this series.

XENOPHILIUS: … also, gnomes are cool.

RON: Er… yeah… So, where's Luna?

XENOPHILIUS: Oh, Luna… I always lose track of her…


LUNA: Harry!

HARRY: No. Cousin Barmy. I mean, Barny.

LUNA: Oh, Harry. I know it's you.

HARRY: How - ?

LUNA: The pheromones, baby.

HARRY: Look, maybe if you were still wearing the radish earrings. Man, those things were sexy. But, yeah, as it is, let's just be friends.


LUNA: Ron can laugh, but my father has done respected and totally scientific research on his wacky superstitions.

HARRY: Of course he has.

LUNA: He also believes in astrology and "sun colors."

HARRY: The Wizarding world gets more and more… mundane.


AUNTIE MURIEL: I AM GIVER OF THE DAMN GOBLIN TIARA (VIZ BOOK 6), DON'T FORGET ABOUT DAMN GOBLIN TIARA, READERS.

AUNTIE MURIEL: Ahem. Oh, and your hair's much too long, Ronald, for a moment I thought you were Ginevra.

YAOI FANGIRLS AND FANARTISTS: … very interesting, thank you.

RONALD: *looks round hopefully at renewed fan attention… until he realizes that the slashers are mostly interested in the fact that he could be mistaken for Ginny in darkened settings*

AND THEN: *he blanches*


AUNTIE MURIEL: *offers a lot of important canonical info in this chapter. Perhaps the most pertinent is that Harry looks "gormless" in all those pictures that the Prophet likes to print of him.*


HERMIONE: *has another GoF-at-the-ball-moment—GoF the book, not the movie*

RON: Wow, you look great!

HARRY: That wasn't even Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches speaking this time, that just came straight from his, ahem, heart.

THE VERY IMPRESSED WEASLEY BROTHERS: *try to impress Hermione of Renewed Hotness by talking about Uncle Bilius pulling flowers out of his, well, we can't say the world in a children's book, but you know*

HARRY: I'm either laughing at Bilius or the smoothness of the Weasley lot in general, mwaha.


READERS: More sexual tension? Please?

VIKTOR KRUM: As you vish! I arrive.

THE CONSEQUENT SEXUAL TENSION: *makes Hermione drop her magic bag and Ron criticize other men's facial hair*


FANDOM: Mrs. Weasley has new dress robes! Fanartists, attention!

MRS. WEASLEY: *reddening and spluttering* Well… really… this war is either going to go down one of two ways: our side will win and be fabulously powerful, or our side will lose and die. And either way the economy's going to pretty much die. So what's wrong with running up our credit?

APPRECIATIVE FANARTISTS, ALREADY SCRIBBLING: Nothing at all.


HERE COMES THE BRIDE: *is, thankfully, not played*

THERE IS APPARENTLY: only one ceremonies officiant in the whole of the Wizarding world, which must make him privy to a lot of wartime shenanigans, pardon the plotbunny. (yes, you are allowed to use it. link-backs though!)


FLEUR: *so totally glowy. Blonde Tonks cannot compete*

AUNTIE MURIEL: *ruins the moment* Ginevra's dress is far too low-cut!

HARRY: Oh, no. Wouldn't want that.


FANDOM: Miz Author Lady seems to be squeezing in canonical middle names upon every conceivable pretext in this book… we totally approve, but…

ROWLING: Well, you lot are completely loopy, but you made me rich, so I figured I could indulge you.

FANDOM: William and not Bilius? Fleur Isabelle? Off to correct all our old fic!


WEDDING OFFICIANT: ... then I declare you bonded for life. *wandwave*

THE WANDWAVE: wasn't like that, get your minds out of the gutters!

READERSHIP: In our defense, this book has its mind in the gutter. We just followed it there.

THE WANDWAVE: Oh, all right, fine.

READERSHIP: Er, how strong is wedding magic? Seems like divorce could be a very real difficulty depending on what sort of spell this "shower of silver stars" thing is.

WEDDING OFFICIANT: Look, I don't know, okay? That's what fanfic is for.


HERMIONE: Let's go congratulate the newlier newlyweds!

RON: We'll have time later.

HERMIONE: But… what if the reception ends prematurely with panic and thuggery… such that none of us will see them again till April unless we betray the others in a cowardly, pissy spat? …

RON: Pssht. Silly woman. Go find us a table that is so many thousands of miles away from Auntie Muriel.


RON: Luna, you're conspicuously and pitifully and very yellow-ly alone here, would it be a problem if we joined you?

LUNA: I think I can live with that.

HERMIONE: *tries to flirt with Ron under the table but gets Harry instead*

KICKED-UNDER-THE-TABLE HARRY: Yyyyyyyoww! *wateryeyes* Future M/M R.B. Weasley play rough.

CERTAIN SEGMENTS OF THE FANDOM: *prick up their ears*

FUTURE M/M R.B. WEASLEY: Go away, Certain Segments of the Fandom.


RON: Mwahaha, Lovegoods, they're so quaint and amusing.

KRUM: *arrives, a scowling bundle of table-crashing fun* Who is that man in the yellow?

RON: Lovegood. He is not at all quaint and not at all amusing, and Slavic exes like you are not allowed to laugh at him.

KRUM: Vot, I'm scared of you?

RON: *glowering* ... Hermione, I'm filled with a sudden overwhelming desire to dance.

HERMIONE: Eh, what now? ... Should I be asking security questions?

RON: NO MISS GRANGER I EXPECT YOU TO DANCE.


KRUM: I would totally duel that filthy Holocaust-denier.

FANDOM: He does honor duels? We haven't seen any other character in this series do that. Apart from Harry and Draco being titchy schoolboys. So yeah, his coolness quotient just went way, way up.

KRUM: I am not interested in that! I am focused on the outrage of it all.

FANDOM: That's what makes him cool. *swoon*


HARRY: *recalls three books ago* GREGOROVITCH!

KRUM: *suspiciously* Vot about him? Are you vun of those strange boys who vakes up screaming his name too?

HARRY: … are there more of us?


KRUM: Vell, allow me to finish off the process of becoming Easily The Coolest Character In This Chapter with the immortal line—

THE IMMORTAL LINE: I had not realized I ever discussed my vand with fans.

ROWLING: Coz they're far too mature now to snigger about that.

THE MATURE FANDOM: Hahahahahahaha! That was so na-aughty! *stray giggles break out over the course of the next few minutes*


KRUM: Vow, Weasley girl is hot.

HARRY: Oh no you don't pal. She's totally taken.

KRUM: Vell, hrmph. I've played out this story vunce before in Britain. Vot is the point of being an international Quidditch player if all the good-looking girls are taken?

ALL THE SELF-IDENTIFIED GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS IN FANDOM: Yoo-hoo, O Suddenly Cool One!


HARRY: Ron I must tell you about Gregorovitch.

RON, ON DANCE FLOOR WITH HERMIONE: Sorry, Harry, but some of us are busy doing heterosexual things.


HARRY: *is a wallflowery nerd*

SERIOUSLY: He watches other people dance with his best friend and the girl of his dreams—sorry, Harmonians, we're talking about different people there—reflects on cross-cultural wedding traditions, notes that other people are getting hot veela action, and avoids creepy drunken Weasley uncles.

HARRY: The only thing that could make my night more exciting is to party it up with Elphias-in-the-Hat. Yo, Dodgy, what up?


DOGE: Oh, Harry! Hmm, I thought of writing words of comfort to you after Dumbledore's death. And then I didn't. Sorry about that.

HARRY: This seems to be a Wizarding theme, as I swear I had this exact conversation with Lupin sometime after Sirius went curtains, but that's beside the point. Can you tell me all of Dumbledore's baser secrets, Mr. Doge?

DOGE: What now? He had none! Most particularly none of the baser kind. Albus Dumbledore was practically perfect in every respect!

HARRY: Hmm, you're not going to be very helpful, are you.

AUNTIE MURIEL: HELLO THERE. ARE WE TALKING ILL OF THE DEAD?

HARRY: Auntie Muriel, welcome!


AUNTIE MURIEL: Let's not drag in these idiotic faith-in-God/faith-in-Dumbledore parallels, you have a whole book to brood on that whereas you will only have the one chance to talk juicy scandal with me!

HARRY: Good point. Proceed.

AUNTIE MURIEL: Isn't Rita Skeeter just dishy? It's so nice to have an accurate and fearless reporter in these degenerate days!

HARRY: …


FANDOM: While Harry is trying to recover, let us just say that we ardently hope that this Couples Cancer that has infected the series will not extend to Muriel and Doge.

AUNTIE MURIEL: Elphias, you pathetic, solemn old ass.

FANDOM: Whew. No, even by Potterverse standards, we're pretty sure that's not flirting.


AUNTIE MURIEL: Anyway, the most fabulous rumor of all is that Dumbledore killed his Squib sister!

AUNTIE MURIEL: … I know that will devastate Harry, as it sounds so totally in line with everything he knows about Dumbledore that it should be impossible to dismiss it as one of the Wizarding world's many crackpot rumors.

HARRY: OH GOD I HAVE FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN AND I MUST SCREAM.

AUNTIE MURIEL: Oh yeah, and I have found my fixed epithet. I cackle at least once a page during this conversation.


HARRY: … my childhood angst is coming back… indeed, I see myself in this Ariana Dumbledore… imprisoned for my oddity… cruelly manipulated by a certain Albus Percival…

ARIANA DUMBLEDORE: *voice-over* And a fellow fanfic magnet!

FANFICCERS: Testify!


AUNTIE MURIEL: Bathilda Bashot, ethnographer as well as historian, has all the goods on Questionably Secretive Dumbledore.

HARRY: Bathilda Bagshot? Thank God Hermione makes me read our required booklist sometimes, or I would be even more behind the rabid fandom.

AUNTIE MURIEL: Oh, and Dumbledore, very nebulously and nefariously, lived in Godric's Hollow. That that, Dumbledore worshippers!

HARRY: My family lived in Godric's Hollow + Dumbledore's family lived in Godric's Hollow, but he never told me in the middle of bailing me out of trouble with every other Wizarding authority in this country = betrayal! NOO!

READERS: *back away slowly, muttering to each other about Miz Author Lady's maths*


Meanwhile, while Harry is scraping together the pitiable scraps of his disillusioned and embittered heart…

HAPPY GROOM: So, time for us to sneak off and leave our guests to it?

HAPPY BRIDE: Oh, let's just finish zees dance, zare's no hurry…

BEFORE THAT HAPPENS: *we have the Message of Doom*


THE MESSAGE OF DOOM: *is sent by Kingsley, and I will insert an obligatorily unfunny 'Weasleys didn't invite the black acquaintance to the wedding' joke here*

KINGSLEY'S PATRONUS: The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. "They" are coming.

FANDOM: OMG we now know Kingsley's Patronus! And it's a lynx! *squee*

KINGSLEY'S PATRONUS: Did you not get the part about the doomsday? Run for your lives! Like sheep! Panicking, Disapparating sheep!

FANDOM: Oh yeah, yeah, right—we mean, O, how horrible! It looks like the action has started!